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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  The Ultimate Weapon - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    The Ultimate Weapon - OWC  (currently 5371 views)
wonkavite
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Holy Hannah - so far, THIS is the best script I've read in this OWC!

Strong, tight professional writing.  An actual Cassandra complex (a criteria which most of the scripts have completely ignored.)  Were there tons of twists in this?  No - it was pretty straightforward, especially for anyone familiar with the time travel genre.  But this story was simple, poignant and it just worked.  Wow. Kudos.  (The stream analog with Abe becoming part of it and able to look back.  Nice unexpected little touch.) Also nice: I've always wanted a family, but you're beginning to put me off.

Two minor critiques.  Taut vs. taught.  And Phials?  (Although, that might be a language thing.)

That aside, my hat's off to this writer.  Well done.  
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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“A saloon” Must be a Brit.

“DOCTOR SIMON” Found this strange – is his surname Simon? I’ve never heard a Doctor refer to themselves by their first name is all.

“fit.” There are a lot of fit men parading around these OWC’s.

“walks towards a sign” Is there only a sign? Or is Doctor Simon actually walking into a building.

“SIMON’S OFFICE” Now I’m inclined to think Simon is his first name.

Try not to repeat your slug in the action if possible. Just a thought.

Why is Jane leaving in a stealthy manner? Maybe she’s Catwoman at night.

“under the wire” You have to wonder why they would make such a tall fence when it’s so easy for someone to crawl under it.

“I was to wait for others.” This seems a bit odd – nobody has ever survived the travel and he’s on a bit of a time limit considering he’s dying and he’s told to just wait… those are the orders! I just find this strange is all.

“Any idea how he’s dying?” I’m actually getting a little confused. For starters, should a Doctor be asking a nurse this question? Then, it hits me that I’m not sure what kind of clinic this is? Is this just a general run of the mill army clinic or a specialized one, possibly psychiatric but if he’s dying, wouldn’t they move him to try and save his life. Do psychiatric clinics have the equipment necessary (obviously they don’t but they don’t know that for sure) Maybe I’m just over thinking things – I have a habit of doing that.

“Probably a trauma” Is this right? Wouldn’t this be obvious, but you probably don’t mean “blunt” and more psychological – would that kill someone?

“TW stands for time warp.” Would they really be that open?  I mean, surely they get a few curious people asking “what does TW stand for?””

“We’ll try to make you comfortable” Oh geez, Doc, try to be a little encouraging at least.  

“Doctor Simon! Room four is having
problems.”

And why are you here on your night off? What’s with all the black? Did you break into a research facility?

I don’t understand why you would go straight to your office where
there are probably cameras and so on after you’ve broken an entry.

“my children with
the story about you and your
delusions.”

Did he really just say that!

I couldn’t really get into this one. I had Terminator on my mind throughout which probably didn’t help, but this one felt so repetitive – very scene played out the same.

The Doctor speaks to Abe and gets told about a horrible future while we see snippets of a MAN in a balaclava breaking into a research centre… easily I might add.

Abe’s not bad as a character and probably saves this one from being a total turkey, but Doctor Simon or Simon wasn’t that great, he had no depth and wasn’t interesting in the slightest. His actual reason for starting to believe Abe is that he wants to start a family someday, but he then goes on to tell Abe (on his last breath) that he we will share Abe’s delusional story with his kids one day… Ouch!

His dialogue with the nurse (probably should cap her on first appearance) or Jane is also laughable at times, that this felt like it could be Carry on Doctor.

The writing isn’t bad, it read fast other than a few awkward lines and was a little inconsistent at times.

The premise is good, much like the Terminator, and I like the idea here but it just becomes too repetitive and your main character is without a solid goal or personality for that matter. Being a man in his position, I think he needs more persuading.

And that’s another thing, Abe is on a ticking clock, his character would be so much better if he wasn’t just lying in a bed, be great to see him escape and then persuade the good Doctor after they’ve built up a rapport.

Anyway, nice idea but the execution was all wrong IMO.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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rendevous
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Starts off pretty well, the Nurse's dialogue made me smile. At the start I was reminded of Terminator 2. A few pages in and I'm getting that sense again.

The talk between the doctor and Abe is getting a bit long. I might be little short on patience at the mo, but I thought it might work better if it was split over two scenes.

It seems a bit too reminscent of Linda Hamilton's Sarah talking to Dr. Silberman. Come to think of it, the dream sequences are also a bit T2 too. But, there's a lot of other stuff going on here as well.

I'm sure Google will be pleased with the plug. With the Youtube too. Other providers are available...

Overall it's well written with some good ideas. My grumpiness at the long chats I'd say as exposition makes me uncomfortable, which I think is the main problem here. If we're gonna have flashbacks then something about the kingdoms might have helped. However, it's pretty well done. One of the more interesting efforts.


Out Of Character - updated


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Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  January 15th, 2014, 11:08pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Fine script. Very accurate.

There are a lot of things in here which are criticized in screenwriting most times: VO's, flashbacks, dream sequences, much dialogue...
But here it fits to the script and seem to be the best way for the structure.
There's a dark tone and a good scene composition with the three main locations. The believability of the whole scenario works for me. The most inventions of humanity are firstly used for war, unfotunately. Like splitting of atom etc...
So the future kingdoms use time travel to kill their enemies in the past. To show that entirely, of course, there wasn't enough space on 15 pages. So, you decided to focus on Abe and his try to prevent the discovery of time travel.

All good. The only point is: that the character's Simon and Abe are much of a team, not very 3 dimensional. They show up the same sensibility partly, and Simon seems to accept very quick Abe's story. No problem, at all, because it's also nice to see how they team up within this dark situation.

Feels like someone written in his "home genre" now
Maybe even a premise for feature. These whole kingdom stuff and fantasy/scifi mix up seem to be up to date with Narnia/ and Avatar and so on. It would differ in case of more realistic war, darker tone at all... time travelling etc.

Thumb up.




Revision History (1 edits)
PrussianMosby  -  January 17th, 2014, 10:43am
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EWall433
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Pg 2 Small nitpick really, but “Jane slinks” doesn’t seem to fit the character or the situation.

References to these two playing along and pretending are taking me out of the read. Playing along with what? It makes me feel like I should know more than I do. And how would I know he's pretending, other than you telling me? (I guess Simon’s just placating him the whole time. My problem becomes, I don’t think Abe would be so dense as to not see that or mention it).

Cutting back to the research center is a nice touch. It keeps the tension up. But it might also help to add something to Simon and Abe’s scenes that keeps it from being a guy on a bed the whole time. Is there a game room, or a courtyard one of these scene’s could take place in?

Pg 13 “re-reads the word ARSON” This is awkward. From my perspective, when did he read it the first time?

This was a pretty strong entry, but I’m not convinced that uploading a video to Youtube is all that’s needed to change the future. I also thought Simon’s change of heart needed more weight. Overall I thought this was written and structured well, with an intriguing story.

Good job and congrats on the OWC
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one, overall. I was really disappointed that you gave it a happy ending. I was hoping for a more "12 Monkeys"-he's-stuck-in-a-time-loop-and-dies-over-and-over- forever kind of ending instead. Grammatical and spelling issues aside, it was too talky, but that usually seems to happen in first drafts.

B-.


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Forgive
Posted: January 19th, 2014, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one overall. Some problems here & there with the writing, but nothing major.

I was a bit wordy in places re. the dialogue, and I think Dr Si could have been more disbelieving of Abe, but then forced to concede Abe was telling the truth instead of wanting to believe him - bit more conflict, as that would ahve helped Dr to come across as less bland.

Nice bit of mis-direction with the early TW scenes.

I also like the suggestion of the wars in the background without ever having shown them. Not too sure the utube upload was the most impactful ending, but the principle of the sick man on his death-bed and the Dr struggling to end these wars worked for me. Good stuff.
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c m hall
Posted: January 21st, 2014, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Congratulations on completing a script, this one held my attention although in the end it's not one of my favorites.  By the end I realized I didn't like any of the characters and found the reliance on the images of children and flowers somewhat contrived.  However this is a very worthy entry and I sincerely admire the effort.
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Last Fountain
Posted: January 21st, 2014, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Cerebral. Poetic. Different take on time travel, with dreams.

This was a nice change. A more scientific approach. It's interesting you chose a prisoner as a time traveller. If it's a risky procedure, maybe scientists would test the technology on inmates. This opens an intriguing can of worms. Should scientists trust prisoners to behave themselves while traveling? Maybe you could elaborate on this dilemma more.

I thought you missed the mark with the virus element.  Maybe I missed something.  But when he is sent back with a virus, bio-weapon I thought,  cool. But not contagious.  Not cool. This would be an interesting idea to explore. He's dying from virus. That is contagious and can infect the enemy. Another nice touch could be taking off the mask to smell, risking spreading virus when he doesn't want to.

The man in black. I thought he was another time traveller. Nice twist that it was doctor, now convinced. Nice time shifting. Another nice touch was the idea that if you travel in the time stream, you become a part of it. Also interesting that dreams are connected, as well as memories to former timelines. Some heady stuff that leans towards philosophical dissection. I thought it was poetic that his dream changed because history was altered. So he is aware of future / past in his dreams.

I liked that the report on the fire changed. Maybe add photo with text. Reminds me of Back to the future, and his family photo fading. It's a good visual representation of the causal changes. Some of these elements mentioned could be better once you rewrite the voice over. It can add flavour if done right and help explain just enough when required.

I think you could allude to the concept of living dreams in death earlier. Ease us in with this concept.  If I'm reading it right. If he lives his dreams in death, then his would be hell.

Dark stuff. Good job on the whole. Made me think.


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James McClung
Posted: January 22nd, 2014, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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Decent effort, this one.

I liked the writing. Vivid but to the point. It flows quite nicely but not without creating some strong cinematic imagery along the way that linger after the script is over. No grammar issues or excessive liberties taken with the format either.

Overall, tight, effective, and refreshing. Kudos.

I'd change the name of the car on page one though. I had to Google saloon to confirm it is indeed a type of car. Maybe I'm just an idiot though.

As for the story, I did like the central concept. The setup and images early on peeked my interest. The dialogue could use some work. Lots of exposition for one thing. But it didn’t get on my nerves and kept me interested, for the most part.

As the story went on though, I started to get a little restless. The dialogue seems to be the driving force of the and while the dream sequences are moody and ominous, even surreal, they get to be pretty repetitive.  It’s not until the animals and the twist ending that we really get any curveballs.

I did like the twist though. Nicely done. I would’ve gone with a name other than MAN though.

I think you could’ve taken this one further. You might try building on some of these dream sequences. I think they could be even darker, stranger, and more exacting. The script seems to ride on Abe’s testimony and the notion of “war is hell” more than anything and while the images are strong, I think you could make them more varied and dynamic and not so heavily reliant on what the characters say. At least have them change a little over the course of the story.

Not bad, overall. Definitely has potential. A little work could make it great.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2014, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks all.

I appreciate this needs some work. You should have seen the version the day before posting!!

I had an idea that a sick man is forced into the machine as a test, bound to die, and comes out the other side.  But I couldnt get it to work.

My favourite idea was that of a noble fighter, badly wounded, going back in time to save the warrior kingdom only to be the first person to get through and be CURED in the process. Once back he decides he is due a new life and buggers off (walks way for non Brits). Again I loved this idea but I couldnt get it to work. Maybe next time.

I suppose the end result was a mix of them.

So far I can't work out whether to spend time on this one. One to ponder.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 27th, 2014, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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The Ultimate Weapon

Not a bad entry here, the juxtaposition of visuals were intoxicating.  I could tell the scenes were thought out because they were well placed in structure.  Writing was good.  I liked the whole interview aspect to it, although I think Simon gave in a little too easy.  Or got in a little too easy.  Either way, I never sensed the urgency in the plot even with huge stakes.

The ending was different because it actually makes you wonder what we are perceiving.  I've read some endings where folks say it's meant to be polarizing, or open to interpretation.  This one is actually effective.

Johnny
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DanC
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bill,
    Congrats on the news.  I hope you win it.  I read the story, twice and both times, I really enjoyed it.  I think it is a story that has so much going on that you have to read it twice, or more.

I wanted to make a few observations:

1.  Unless I am wrong, at the beginning, both Simon and Jane think he's nuts, and not really from the future.  They are merely humoring him.  

2.  For some reason, Simon begins to believe him.  Most likely from the bad dreams.  And that leads Simon down the path he chooses.

A few things:
1.  I wish you would spend more time talking about the relationship between Simon and Abe, why Simon starts to believe him.  Something that he witnesses or some other random luck occurrence.  

2.  Why is 40 old in Abe's time?  You talk a lot about him being weak and frail.  Why?

3.  I LOVE the misdirect.  Everyone will think it's Abe doing the cloak and dagger, and the Simon reveal is very clever.  I'd also like for the reveal to see some evidence of early time travel, perhaps half a carcass or something.

4.  I'd think an office building running something like that would have a lot more high-tech security, but, since Simon isn't a real soldier, perhaps that's for the best.

5.  It would be really cool if Simon and Abe are related, somehow...

I really enjoyed it as u can tell.  


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dan.

I'll try to get around to your sci fi  series, but give me a few days.

Turning to your points;

1) yes. In many ways the story is about bonding and trust, something which develops with time and knowledge

2) largely this comes from the shared interest in the army, but simon earns Abe's respect out of his selflessness, just trying to help. The final trigger point is that simon discovers its a cover up.

Your other points

1) perhaps if I had more time

2) he's frail because he's ill - chemical attack

3) thanks. One idea in this script is that there is no others evidence. If the others had arrived war would have broken out so there is a bit of a race against the clock

4) it has extra security but you have to rememeber they haven't made the big discoveries yet, so they don't know. A theme of the script is the problems with secrecy.

5) may be in a bigger script, but here I just like the suggested family paralles, ie they both come from fighting stock.

Thanks for the read.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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