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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Vergence - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Vergence - OWC  (currently 4549 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vergence by E.P. Umum - Short, Sci Fi, Mystery - Obsessed with solving a series of murders inspired by Jack The Ripper, an agent travels back in time for research purposes at the risk of her own sanity. - pdf, format


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Toby_E
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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This is the first script that I have chosen to read, and I am sorry to say that I wasn't a huge fan of it

The main source of my unenjoyment stemmed from the fact that I just couldn't understand why on earth Urashi was travelling back in time to witness Jack the Ripper's murders, when she is trying to solve a murder from the present time, 300 years later? You say that she wanted to research the killings, but what can she possibly learn from going back in time to be killed by Jack the Ripper, which she couldn't learn from reading a book? I mean, so what if she finds out the identity of Jack the Ripper... how will this help her solve the crime at hand? Why didn't she just use the technology straight away to go back to the present murders, to try and gain an eyewitness account of the killer?

So unfortunately, this massive plot hole really took me out of the read

Furthermore, the way that you decided to conclude this story - by foregoing an actual conclusion - left a pretty sour taste in my mouth.

I thought that this story would have been far more effective and satisfying if you focused on travelling back to the recent murders, then using this technology to solve the case.


Below are a few more page specific notes:

Page 5- Really not too sure what Urashi and Jeff are discussing here. Why does Urashi want Jeff to tell her she knows "him"? The dialogue in this scene was pretty unnatural, IMO. Their dialogue in the next scene was even worse.

Page 9- I find it weird that Urashi asks Kelly if she knows him, considering they had a conversion a few pages earlier.


Sorry that I didn't enjoy this one

But congratulations on entering. You did better than myself!


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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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I was kinda with this until page 4, but from then on, I was completely lost to what was supposed to be happening.

Let’s try to get it straight – to catch a killer in the present, they travel back to research Jack the Ripper and his murders… why? To do this, you have to die and then be brought back… why?

So questions right out the gate, but then Jeff entered and he and Urashi had some really weird conversation where they both seemed to be high or something.

And the ending is just poor – no conclusion what so ever as far as I can tell. I take it Jeff left Urashi, and I for one wouldn’t blame him, the stupid woman only ever had peaches in the fridge.

I also wouldn’t call the futuristic device a cookie as all this did was give me funny images when reading… this for example:

“She places the cookie on her right temple.” Is chocolate chip I wonder?

I’m afraid to say that this one missed the mark for me and to be completely honest, I actually have no idea what it was all about or the point of it. The fact that she killed herself 9 times to do all this research, and then get taken off the case without even a hint of solving the current killings was a hard pill to swallow for me.

Work on your characters and find the actual story here – is it about the murders or the strain this job puts on her relationship with Jeff? Once you know that, the story will become more focused and we should get a better grasp of the characters and story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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nawazm11
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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I barely have a clue what's happening on the first page. Needs to be a lot more clearer.

And now I'm even more confused when I've read the whole thing. The dialogue was far from bad but it was so cryptic that the information was lost in a bunch of non sense. It starts out fine enough, find the serial killer but then I'm not even sure where we end up. The world you've crafted seems cool but that's all I can say for now. Needs work.
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RJ
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Bits of this I liked, others not so much.

For instance - the ending. Did you run out of time? Or simply plan it to end that way? If so then it's a poor ending, IMO. I wanted more from it. It felt like there was a setup of sorts and then it all fell flat. Which is also a good thing I guess - I wanted more.

There definitely seemed to be a lot of talking, not that all it was bad, parts of it were good, just that there was a lot. Then again, there seem to be a lot with this in this OWC.

As I was saying, I'm kind of split on this. There were parts that were interesting and this story did have potential, but as it became more confusing and then the ending hit and there were parts that didn't lead to any explanation, I found this wasn't for me. It could be though - with a rewrite.

Good effort

Renee
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Out at page 4. Very clipped. I found this one difficult to follow.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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There was an idea here and felt like it was (mostly) written by a competent writer. The trouble stemmed from, I think, the writer not being certain how they wanted the story to proceed. Virtually nothing was changed about the present day murders, she didn't learn anything about the Jack the Ripper murders (except the killers are a similar height) and there wasn't really a resolution. It seems like she just turned into a drug addict. Anyway, this could have been better, but telling the story in this way wasn't a good choice.

C-.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Vergence

Logline - Jack the Ripper is a decent choice of going back, still a mystery and all that. Not sure quite why the agents wants to go back, but let's see...

Ok, not sure what happened at the end. Peaches??

Some of the processing was interesting but the husband wife thing, the peaches, the extra going back etc lost me at the end.

Cheers


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Opening passage is not well written.  Urashi is a strange name - any time you have to give the sex of the character, it's a bad sign, IMO.

"A man named Kelly..." - also a problem and poor intro.

"A man's rough hands..." - again, very awkward, as it's so apparent you are attempting to direct the shots.  Don't!  Just show us what's happening by using strong writing.

"A man's voice" - No, not necessary in a screenplay.

"(O.C.) - "(O.S.)


Herb, a doctor..." - you're telling us way too much info.  Don't tell, show!

Herb's dialogue on top of Page 2 is downright terrible.  So poorly punctuated.  So robotic.

WTF?  Really?  Check out this nugget of Herb's dialogue - "Do you want to stop, Amy Urashi?" - Serisouly?  You know what?  This line is so heinous that it's going to be the reason I stop reading.  Honestly, this sounds like the script is meant to be a pisser, it's so poorly done.


Congrats on entering.  Focus on your writing by reading others and commenting so you get to know some peeps who can help you going forward.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Sometimes scripts can be overwritten and this is one.. I get that you're trying to impress but it takes away from the story when  the reader spends too much time deciphering the actions IMO

In other words I was lost by page 6 you had an interesting concept on Jack the ripper. Just need to tone it down.


Good job on entering

Mark


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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A Jack the Ripper tale, should be interesting. Typing this up as I read.

“Like a cobra under a charmer’s music, Herb nods three times.” Didn’t like this line. I realise you need to give the script a bit of umph but trying to sex-up a nod is overkill in my opinion.

I do like the eyes thing though, quite different. Calling them cookie gizmos is distracting though.

Gruesome murder scene told from a POV and for a very valid reason – I like it!

I like the idea they can go back and observe but that is all and the psychological impact of what they observe effects them. I’m kinda getting the vibe the twist here is going to be Urashi is the killer copying Jack or someone on the time travel program is.

What do you do on a swank couch? Have a swank of course! Sorry, I’m British – that’s my excuse.

“Ripper image behind Jeff. He’s uncomfortable with the spectre over his shoulder.” Love this line, some great imagery there.

“Herb stands over Urashi, who lies in the coffin contraption.” But then you spoil it with the next line/ Give the coffin contraption a cool sci-fi name when you first describe them, then refer to them as ‘TIME CUBES’ or something.

I think I must have missed something. Did nothing happen at the end? It seems that Urashi simply got replaced. Really disappointed as I liked the idea of Urashi getting obsessed with solving the crimes from both eras and feeling the psychological impact of things the human mind shouldn’t be able to cope with.

A great idea, just needs work in my opinion. Well done on completing the challenge.


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Nomad
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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I think I see what you're trying to do here but this kind of story needs way more than 15 pages to flesh out.

Your dialogue doesn't push the story forward.  It just lingers on the page and wastes space and time.

Maybe with a couple re-writes you could have a pretty good sci-fi time travel story here.

Jordan


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DV44
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea you were going with but the execution was off. Didn't quite understand why Amy would have to die to see Jack the Ripper's kills just so she could understand how to deal with the killer in present time. Couldn't she travel in the past to the present killers first victim and witness who did the killings? Again, I like the concept but maybe with a rewrite you could flesh out more of the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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EWall433
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure why you want me picturing this device as a cookie. Why not just a ‘disc’?  A lot of the dialogue is very clipped and doesn’t sound natural.

There was some decent world building here. I thought there was a unique take on the time travel method and it seemed well thought out, but where’s the story? What is she looking for specifically?

I also don’t know why we watch her time travel from a screening room. If part of the point is how real it feels and the stress that puts on her, why make it seem fake to us?

I was baffled by the FADE OUT. Nothing of consequence had really happened. The case wasn’t solved and they never effected the present with their trips to the past (which kinda means this whiffed on the criteria). To be honest it almost seems like the first 11 pages of a longer script. Unfortunately that didn’t work for me.

Congrats on completing a OWC though
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Ok. Just for the fun.
???
Kelly wants to have the notes from Urashi's travel to London. Then he said "PEACHES" to Urashi.

I looked back to page one and Kelly's introduction. He said something - he would like to join the vergence-program.  So he did so and visited Urashi's place in the final scene.

Jeff, Urashi's husband said he don't like peaches in second act.

So what does it mean… The word "peaches" isn't a random choice. So, is Kelly Jeff? Why does he look different? My guess is: Kelly, Jeff, the murder with the hat and Jack the Ripper are one person.

So, the murder is already able to travel. Maybe he can change his body…

But I think you simply brought in a senseless end to the script and to my interpretation. This whole confusion is what you tried to develop in your script

I always go with that stuff. I don't have to know everything in film. But the pictures are not well explained. These whole eye-thing etc.

Seems like you put a part of a feature in here.



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wonkavite
Posted: January 16th, 2014, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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When I started the read, I liked this one.  Interesting concept (even if the Ripper murders have been done to death - no pun intended.)  And how can anyone NOT like a story that merges cyberpunk with time travel?

Problem is - for me at least - the story got muddled pretty quickly.  Nothing was accompished regarding the present day murders, at least as far as I could tell.  And then the story... just petered out.  I kind of got the feeling that Urashi had been retired, but honestly, I'm not sure.

Based on some of the dialogue, I get the feeling that a competent writer did this one.  But it does need a rework... IMHO...  FWIW - it could be very much worth that effort.

Cheers,

-J
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rendevous
Posted: January 16th, 2014, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Liked the title. It's one I can imagine on a poster.

Maybe I wasn't quite paying enough attention or am still in the world of Sunstorm, but I actually thought she was putting a biscuit up to her temple. Sorry, I'll pay more attention. Erm, had another look at that. Does need a bit more clarity.

The line about just getting DNA samples reminded me of Twelve Monkeys. One of the more underrated time travel films.

The use of 'Amy Urashi' is grating a bit.

Nothing wrong with fragmented sentences in screenplays but they're supposed to speed the read up. Overuse has the opposite effect. I did find myself having to go back to reread.

It's a fairly original plot to my mind. No-one else tackled the Ripper. I read this twice as I felt I must have missed something. Still not sure if I did, but if I don't get it after two reads then I'm not gonna get it.

I felt much of the story didn't push the plot along. I didn't get how the time travel affected the present. Maybe I'm time travelled out but I don't think this quite got to where it should have.



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Gum
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was going the way of a movie called 'Flatliners'. About a group of 20 something's who kill each other in a controlled environment, only to be resuscitated moments later to see what it would be like to die.

The only problem was, their (Flatliners) corporeal environment began to exhibit strange artifacts that they had brought back from the beyond.

I thought that Urashi's holograms (in the end) were residual artifacts that she couldn't get rid of, and somewhat permeated her reality without her being able to cull their existence. That is until Kelly showed up and took the cookies, removing the holograms in the process.

I think I've figured out the 'Peaches' detail. Jeff was, and in the end Urashi, were both addicted to a synthetic drug that was inhaled via a self incinerating apparatus, and was available in different flavours to boot.

This played out like a futuristic 'Gumshoe' detective script, where the Private Dick has to face many demons long after the ghouls are behind bars, or dead. Leaving nothing left for them in the end except to either bite the bullet, or the bottle. In this case, it's an addictive street, or government issued narcotic that helps the agents deal with the relentless flickering of the 'Eye Shine'.

A groovy concept that could actually be scripted into something more. Good work!
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Last Fountain
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Good premise. Good gadgets. Realized world.

I love gadgets. I liked the intrigue of the eye patch and then the reveal of the eye with wires.  The holographic cookie device was cool. Like the future Google Glass. Another use of coffin imagery. I like the haunting effect it has. It suggests impending doom for the journey. And this case extra appropriate due to travel method.

I like how you set up some rules. Like observe only. No mirrors. This was awesome. The world is fully realized with the addition of the recreational drug use... the flavoured straws.... or am I reading that wrong. Regardless,  all these elements create a new world within 2 pages. Great staging. I'm with it at this point.

Simple intrigue comes from the name Urashi and British accent. Adds flavour. The incredible use of language really helps make this story authentic. Like future speak. Some stand outs: shine, ghosting, vergance, tripping, cookie.

I loved the following image... her boyfriend thinks there's someone else, she replies "No one else". While over her shoulder is the image of Jack the Ripper. The man occupying her thoughts. Nice language in the description of "spectre" paralleling the term "ghosting".

I like how she doesn't travel bodily to the past. She sees through the eyes of a victim. This is very different than the others. I really appreciate this unique "vision". And how scary would that be to see on screen. We are the victim. And the killer is the notorious Jack the Ripper.

So I was fully immersed in your world, the build up was tremendous. The dark subject of the Ripper,  while morbid, is very interesting. One of the biggest unsolved mysteries worthy of vivisection through time travel. The end was confusing and a letdown for me. I was so pumped up for the resolve.

I appreciate the obsession with death for Urashi. She dies to trip to past. She gets lost there. Limbo. And my understanding is she meets her replacement in the afterlife. This is interesting but needs more lead into. Maybe she meets another traveller in the afterlife earlier. Or make more clear if this is the case. I get vibes of another movie, FLATLINERS. Which if you haven't seen could serve for inspiration. So maybe I'm way off with my afterlife interpretation, it could be Urashi is just trippin on "peaches". Haha.

Full immersion into the world leads to an uneven ending.


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SAC
Posted: January 18th, 2014, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Hi. Sorry but I just could not grasp what was going in here. I couldn't figure out the time travel device, and I think you should pick another word for the "cookie" device. It just sounded kinda silly to me. So, on the whole , this entire story was just so vague.

Your writing was choppy in spots. It needs a better flow to it. That's something that'll be worked out in time. But like they say, Story Is King, and I just couldn't find one here. If a script makes me go back and check to see if I've missed something, I do not take that as a good sign. Simplify this in a future rewrite.  

However, congrats on entering!  

Steve






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James McClung
Posted: January 19th, 2014, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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This one has potential, for sure. I enjoyed the Jack the Ripper angle (probably the main reason I clicked on the script) and the way time travel is portrayed. I liked that we didn't actually go back in time but rather the whole process is instantaneous and that we see the outcome of the trip and how it can be used in the present (which I'll get more into later). I also liked all the little gadgets and details (e.g. Urashi's eye) and the overall minimalist feel.

That said, the execution is quite poor. This is one of the few scripts that was actually underwritten. The descriptions are sparse and borderline-staccato in nature. I didn't have too much of a problem with this at first but the more I read, the harder it became to find my bearings in the world you've created. This was especially true with the images of the killer in the present. No idea what this was supposed to be.

The dialogue is also extremely cryptic at times. All the scenes with Jeff, I had next to no idea what was going on. I got that he was leaving and that Urashi's head was kinda messed up, presumably from excess time travel, but that's about it. These scenes might have to be rewritten in their entirety while others have a little more wiggleroom. Still, it takes forever to get to the point of what's going down so everything along the way is super cryptic and inane in feel.

Also, the importance of going back in time to solve a present day crime is a major plothole and needs to be addressed. Naturally, this has already been brought up but it's a big enough problem where it needs to be hammered in a bit.

That's about it. Has potential. Needs work. Lots.


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Forgive
Posted: January 22nd, 2014, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Odd one to be honest. I might need to read it again to make sense of it, but unfortunately i really don't want to.

Appeared at pains sometimes trying to be stylistic, and there didn't appear to be much of a story to it. Lots of chat too. And fractured sentences all over.

Good on getting an entry in, but not to my taste.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from James McClung
This one has potential, for sure. I enjoyed the Jack the Ripper angle (probably the m

The dialogue is also extremely cryptic at times. All the scenes with Jeff, I had next to no idea what was going on. I got that he was leaving and that Urashi's head was kinda messed up, presumably from excess time travel, but that's about it. These scenes might have to be rewritten in their entirety while others have a little more wiggleroom. Still, it takes forever to get to the point of what's going down so everything along the way is super cryptic and inane in feel.

Also, the importance of going back in time to solve a present day crime is a major plothole and needs to be addressed. .



I highlighted that last part, because it is the main thing that peeps disliked. I had built up a lot of stuff and outlined it through. I wasn't surprised by the reaction. I always get a mixed bag, But as nifty as this was, about page 9 or so I knew there would be no way I can payoff what I started in under 15 pages. Also things came up that I expected that I wouldn't have time on the last Friday. If I did, I would have resubbed with a few extra pages to pay off the plot hole.

But I am pleased to see in some of the latter comments, a small handful saw the seeds I planted. That being "Jack The Ripper" and the serial killer being hunted in this story are one the same - a time traveller from the future and the Vergence project was created on that suspicion. It is my fault I didn't make that more clear.
When another peer mentioned Flatliners, it didn't occur to me...but a few days ago I still kicked myself as I suddenly remembered the 1979 film Time After Time where Jack The Ripper and H.D. Wells crossed paths, Jack hitched aride on Well's Time Machine and H.G. Wells met his future wife from the future and ate at McDonalds. But that film wasn't an infliuence. Just a side note.

About the dialog. Let's start with page 10. Good place to start, don't ya think?


Quoted Text
KELLY
The past really can’t be changed, can it?
Even I’ll go back, try to talk you out of it if you like.

URASHI
You did?
KELLY
Not yet. I don’t think it worked much either. Fate is what you make it, Agent Urashi.


also, on p11

Quoted Text
KELLY
Made improvements to these things I see.
I’ve been tempted to check out the older line. Comparison, you know?



I highlighted the dialog for this is exactly what he does on page 1. Likewise, also on page 11:

Quoted Text

URASHI
Do I come back?
KELLY
Can’t answer that. Only you can.


To my surprise, nobody caught this. Maybe it my bad as well, because she did come back and try to change the past. Her future self appears on page 5 and 6. Specifically:


Quoted Text
URASHI
I can’t ask you to stay. But do one favor for me before I go. Please.
JEFF
Treat me like dirt and you want a favor -
URASHI
I know who I’m looking for. I met him. I know him. Tell me that.
JEFF
What are you talking about? This got to do with that Vergence thing?
URASHI
I have to stop him.
JEFF
Who?
URASHI
I can’t tell you who. I can tell you to tell me I met him.


When we get to the bedroom, it isn't her future self.



No No., you all say. The travellers in the story have to jump into dead people! See p 11.

Quoted Text

KELLY
Vergence has improved since you left. Now you can be a witness.
In a few years. They just got to work out the kinks.


And, if you like Pardoxes...? See them side by side.


Quoted Text
I know who I’m looking for.   Now you can be a witness.
In a few years.




Uh...okay. Let it put it to you this way. The OWC said nothing about setting the stories in the future and having character come back in time to the present of when the story takes place. So we have characters going back into the past to try to alter the future. Just so happens the story takes place in...the...future...



Well, that's where I was going anyway. Also, Kelly was supoosed to be the ("future future") killer/Jack The Ripper. Given extra pages, he would go back in time to attempt to torment the person who broke the case -as she played a victim and...



Well, okay, maybe it's a good thing I quit while I was ahead.

More...
















"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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