I enjoyed this one. I'm not sure what a pisser is but if this is one of them I'll be reading more of them. , loved the action and the crack was good. I thought it was easy to follow too.

No dramas, put another shrimp on the barbie mate

A title that sounds remarkably like it would go straight to DVD and star Christian Slater and Val Kilmer. Oh Christian, whatever happened to the guy that starred in True Romance and was destined to be the new Jack Nicholson? And Val, the man who did Jim Morrison better Morrison himself.

Er, sorry about that. Now, I've read it I see this is more an Austin Powers type thing. Well, lots happened and I smirked a few times. Writing was good in parts but it seemed to go a bit off the rails in others. I don't think there was enough jokes to make it work as well as it could.

I can't see what's wrong with calling these types of scripts comedy. A pisser is someone having a leak, probably where they shouldn't be.

So this is what DUKE NUKEM the movie would be like. Tons of action. Tons of funny lines. The 4th wall shit reminds me of a Merc witha mouth DEADPOOL. This short has such a fun vibe. With the Raybans, the bar fight, and the bazooka this really feels like a 80s / 90s action flick. I could picture Wesley Snipes of old as Sunstorm. Like Demolition Man era Snipes. This time cop idea has just enough scifi elements, like the 2 selves problem and the paradox evaluation.  The destruction of the wormhole by bazooka was just ridiculous enough. Afterall explosions solved all problems in 80s/90s era acion flicks.

Lotsa fun. Great antihero. Over-the-top. Ridiculous dialogue. Visceral action.

Sorry for the short remakes but my iPad has lost my comments three time so and there is only so many time I can write this.

In short...

Not a pisser, a solid effort at an action comedy, with a touch of spoof-slapstick, and overall well delivered.

The reality is if for OWC entries like this, and I tried a couple, is that comedy comes off lightweight, so is marked down compared to others, when actually it is hard to pull off. I applaud the effort.

This was a decent effort in the time and the circumstances, not my fav but it stands out from the others.

I'll have a guess on the writer as well....usually wrong on these matters

Cheers

This was a pleasant surprise. The title gave me pause, but this actually ended up being one of my favorites (and 80s action spoofs aren’t even my thing, really). It was certainly one the best writing-wise. Even the ‘voice’ and asides worked more often than not, although there were still some spots where the asides seemed redundant.

I’ll admit that most of the jokes were hit and miss for me, but I’ll forgive that because 1) It felt like they would work better on the target audience, which wasn’t me and 2) there was enough action and forward momentum to keep me engaged. I think this is one of the better paced scripts of the challenge.

Now is this a pisser?

Who cares? There’s a few ‘pisser’ related elements, but they'd be pretty easy to lift. I mean, in a 80s action spoof, do you really need a reason why they burst through the front door, guns blazing?

Anyway, nice job and congrats on completing the OWC.

Right off the bat: I'm not a fan of cheesy 80s action movies. Not a fan of cheesy action movies now for that matter. So I didn't go along with this as much as a writer would hope one would.

Still, not bad for what it is. Pretty well written, for the most part. I got a sense of Sunstorm's character right away and the Australian angle was endearing. Not all the jokes worked for me but some of them did and honestly the ones that didn't still seemed perfectly suited for the genre, even if they were eye-rollingly corny. A lot of people have mentioned this as a comedy but I don't see it that way; I just thought the jokes came with the cheesy action territory and weren't necessarily the main focus.

The story was somewhat vague. I mean, I understood what was going on for the most part but didn't understand WHY it was going on. All the characters and events lacked context for me. It seemed like it was all taken from something bigger, which happens in the OWC from time to time. I don't think there's much you can do about that without feeling forced or bloated; that's just the biproduct of choosing a story that's too big for 15 pages.

Still, I wasn't confused per se. Just kinda wondered WTF the point was to everything.

The writing was sort of a drag though. Waaay overwritten. Some of the asides worked but many of them didn't. At worst, they came off corny and obnoxious and occasionally like they were trying too hard.

Honestly, I get pretty annoyed when the writer tries to appeal to me and rope me in with his "wordsmithery," especially with lines like "And you guessed it..." and "You've seen the Matrix." Occasionally, asides can give insight into how characters behave and react or make a particular image "pop" a little more, which can be a benefit to the script, but this showman bullshit... meh. The story and characters should speak for themselves IMO.

You've also got a fight scene early on written in montage format. Did not see the point of this at all. If you've taken all the dashes out of it, it would've read like a perfectly normal scene. I mean, it's all instantaneous and fluid. No time jumps or anything. Just totally unnecessary the way it's written now.

The opening scene was sort of pointless. We don't really need to know how the wormhole came about. Same goes for the V.O. although it seems like both were there for artistic license purposes and not so much because they were important to the story so whatever. I bring this up because there's a lot of issues with the opening. You should name your characters for one thing, especially if one's name is mentioned in the dialogue, and the descriptions are sort of vague and don't give a good sense of what the characters are doing. One of them "peers up" for example. At what? Desert makes me think flat, desolate landscape.

A few lines I didn't care for. Why would Potts call Russia "Mother Russia" if he's British, for example. I also HATED the page count references. I get it but to me, that's more an admission of failure than anything and honestly just makes it look like you weren't trying/didn't care.

As it happens though, I didn't think this was a pisser or anything. It seems like it was written by someone who's been at this for a while and for such a short period of time, the quality is pretty impressive. I liked the character and there were definitely moments that were sort of fun and endearing. But again, this is not my genre and the showy writing did get quite on my nerves at times.

A mixed bag overall, I'd say though definitely one of the stronger efforts I've read thus far.

Thanks to all who took a peek at this - it's much appreciated.

The big question - was this a pisser? No, it wasn't supposed to be one at all but I know the two reasons why peeps might think it was, but I can try and explain both in someways --

I didn't want any long exposition scene having to explain time travel so the voice over guy was the device to avoid this in a funny way which kept in with the tone.

The page count quip was basically there because I was running out of page space (I was close to the deadline) and I again thought this would be a nice inside joke to all who entered the OWC.

As one reader pointed out - these sections could be taken out easily without changing the story.

Otherwise, I hope peeps who read this got a good laugh or least had an entertaining read because that's all I was trying to accomplish with this one. I knew this wouldn't be to everyone's taste and that's why I actually gave it the title I did... I mean, with that title, peeps surely should have been expecting some cheese right. It hardly screams emotional drama of characters trying to save love ones from their past.

I must apologize for the clumsy opening page with the backpackers, but I just didn't get the time to edit it, or maybe I was just lazy and couldn't be bothered - either way, it wasn't a great start was it.

The many asides that some peeps may have not liked were only there to add to the tone of the script, and in this type of story which is in spoof territory, I feel they're perfectly fine to have.

Other than that, my writing style is what it is and I'm sure a few readers who have read my recent work (Mark, Mo, Bill) would have possibly guessed this was mine?

Anyway, I feel like this shouldn't be the end for Sunstorm and I hope to write some more of his adventures in the future. Expect beer, babes, guns and lots of cheese!

Cheers again for the reads.

Great stuff Coopster on this total pisser

Mark

SUNSTORM: AUSTRALIA'S FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE

Catchy and clever.

This was awesome, and I can't wait to see who wrote this.  A superbly written, mash-up of my favorite action movies.

"Are you Einstein?"  "Then how the fuck would you know!"  Had me LMFAO!!!  Both times.

To me, this was a freefall of creativity and craft.  I'm impressed with the writing, the level of clarity, and dialogue.  Great work to whoever wrote this!  Grade A