To paraphrase Rendezvous, I wouldn't be surprised if there IS a good story in here.  But honestly - I couldn't really figure out what was going on.  Yes, I got some of the gist of it.  Mankind was dead, IA had taken over, and were searching the timestream to turn off the machine...  thus giving humans and their creator a chance to start over.  I think.  

Like a few other posters above, I do feel that your writing could be streamlined, and that it would help with the story.  Both the read, and clarification of the events.  It'd be interesting to see what happens if this story IS reworked.  Might be some heady stuff in there.

Cheers,

--J (W)

So, robotic clones from the future, of the guy who invented The Machine, have come back to tell him not to, in order to save the human race? That's what I got from this, but judging from the way the story was told, it could've been a hundred other things. Anyway, I enjoyed it in doses, but The Suit was kind of irritating as I just imagined him twirling his sinister mustache. The doctor had really no character, in fact, nobody in it seemed to. This is so average because when I found something I liked, I found something I liked equally less. It had nothing that stood out in its current form.

C.

Science heavy. Intriguing concept. Some intense moments.

Another narration. I like how this one was done from 2 different narrators. Well both cybernetic clones of scientist. I figure the narration starts with the man from Mars, then shifts to the other future technician.  I like the subtle change in the repeat opening narration too. Maybe too confusing. But I liked the narration.

Intriguing What If? The time machine is turned on for the first time and it prints a message saying turn it off. I don't know if I'd automatically do it or need more time to think on it. Interesting. So only robots in the future. The ai have a religion of sorts. That's intriguing.  They believe if they sacrifice themselves the creator can live. Complicated though. And gets a bit talky.

I liked the aboriginal touches. It hints at the larger picture, like how far removed are most of us from our primitive cultures. Likewise once the singularity happens. How human will we be then? How human will ai be?

The ending was confusing. He turned it off. Then somehow remembered the previous timeline. He now doesn't turn it on. He knows the consequences I guess. That's time travel loop logic for ya. But kinda cool the ai seemed to have no problem remembering their previous tfips. How could they remember all the timeliness?

Good settings, Mars to Australia outback. Ai to aboriginals. But complicated. Good What If?

The title page had me laughing - looks like you were running out of space so "off" is compacted together. Maybe that was intentional but it looks funny.

Hmmm, when a script starts with just "FADE" the signs aren't good.

Narration?

This is a strenuous read from the get-go - I have no idea what's happening - feels like I'm back in science class all those years ago.

Well I'm lost so far and this "It’s a 10 foot tall strange something." tells me that I'm not going to be able to follow this one.

"The Suit passes out. Whatever he sees just “blows his mind”." That's funny - really hope it's Crocodile Dundee.

The exposition is so heavy and slows the pace, so much so, that I had to skim the scene with the future technician. There has been a lot of just plain exposition scenes in this OWC and I expected that but this one goes way over the top and actually just adds to the confusion.

I do think there's an interesting premise here, going back to stop this man turning on a machine so he can concentrate on AI and save the future world in the process. I hope that's right? The problem lies in the execution though, the dialogue and the writing aren't the best and it makes it quite difficult to follow - naming the characters would help, and so would actually setting up the story and main character Mallick.

At the moment, this one reads confusing and is hard to follow but there is potential if you decided to give it a re-write. I feel this one lacks a genuine and relatable protag, someone to follow and get behind. It's just a mass of characters that are difficult to root for because we know nothing about them.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

The title page makes me SMILE. Ironic. No problem with that, here. Stupid cool.

But also leads me to overview the layout- A lot of I- and block pages! Page numbers!


I felt comfortable inside the story. There was coming a lot of heart, passion and I felt you want to impress the viewer/reader with extraordinary pictures. It works for me.

You showed cell building, an awaking cyborg, a rocket travelling to Mars, an old school laboratory in old times Australia.  

This whole flair with boards of equation and technical stuff you build up is good.

I understood the story and it was just cool, maybe I missed some tiny details as result of a lot of dialogue forcing and the twists are partly too arbitrary, so it was hard to change my view with them, precise and just in time. I hope you understand what I mean. Feel free to ask.

Concerning the other's criticisms about your technical writing. Read them and use them.
Especially the format things. I liked your descriptions "partly".

I think the important part is there, and impressive, passionate- the delivery part has to be able to carry that. Still great film, great stuff. Go on with it. Rewrite that stuff.

You have some really expressive visuals here, including direction of composition that you would like to play out. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you either do, or have worked in editing and would like to make the transition to creating what you see in your mind to paper, and it's creating some decent concepts here.

It took me a few times going through this, but I'll be damned if I didn't see it like an enigma to be solved, I just have to take a crack at this. Quite a few metaphors injected into this story. If they were consciously, or unconsciously put there is besides the point, because I like the way they resonate back and forth throughout.

First being the DNA sequencing. Cradle of life replication within the laboratory domes and the habitation domes within the landscape. The micro and macro worlds that are interwoven in just about every aspect of reality. GATTACA did something similar and it was a powerful opening scene,  "As it is above, so it is below" so it is stated.

The four helix strand that was being sequenced replicated the four section ladders within the machine used to transfer the digital stream. Wasn't sure at first how four strands could be ignited within a planet surrounded by the Van Allen belt, because it would require a higher frequency of resonation coming in than what is currently available... but alas, we find out we're on Mars and it might actually work. This in turn would ignite more Chakras and plug the being farther into the Prime (Creator). Closer to the concept of A.I. in this case.

You spoke of a BIO-logical transfer of the DNA through different streams, however, would it make more sense to say that the 'memories' and consciousness would be sufficient to travel through the (digital) stream, and just have the proper sequence reconstruct the biological aspect of the corporeal on the other side? Of wherever that is.

The DNA construct pushes out a replica, but with a form of A.I. that is susceptible to the consciousness creating variants within, giving each an inherently different set of nuances, and ultimately values. Hence the 'black' and 'white' shoes to reflect the metaphor of good versus evil. The good wanting to terminate the entire experiment to allow humans a chance to evolve to their full potential. I think creating a form of A.I. is an aspect of the symbiotic dance that we are being forced to realize anyways, so who's the winner in this story?

'A chalk board with a giant equation, taking up both slabs.'

It has been suggested that the most complex quantum theorem could fit on a 3 x 5 index card. I think it's mans current logic of thinking, that the most complex theories need to be visualized as complex. Think' Men in Black' when a cat had the entire universe dangling from a collar around its neck... conveyed a huge idea, made simple.

I think there is quite a bit in here that could be mentioned. You're going to have to post a synopsis of this when the time comes. Great work!

This was a turn off from the off, unfortunately - the huge writing on the title page, and then the 'indistinguishable' as a slug: not a great start.

Sorry - page three is such a mess that I'm out.