Turn It Off by 0 - Short - Fantastic travellers from the future hunt down the inventor of the time machine to prevent him from destroying their kind. A cautionary tale of creation, sacrifice, and destruction. - pdf, format

Hey Writer,

Good job getting this done.

I gotta say I felt half and half about this. Somewhere at the heart of this piece lies a pretty decent story, but I'll be damned if I can really figure out what it is. I got so lost while reading, and just couldn't go back to re-read as I felt it would only confuse me more!

If say you can trim this way down, at least two pages. I think you need to strip away all the unnecessary exposition and get right to it. Make it simpler.

Your use of slugs, wrylies, and FADE: ?  -- all inappropriate. Though I did read through it all I'm sorry to say it wasn't for me. But good job on entering. As some are saying, this seems to be a very difficult challenge!

Steve

Instantly put off by the title page. The massive text. Almost makes me want to give up right now.

You also messed up on the FADE IN. I don't normally use those myself. But if you are going to use them, at least do it properly.

Code INT. LABORATORY - INDISTINGUISHABLE

Indistinguishable is not a good choice here. Usually people just leave it blank when that is the case.

Code Cellular structures under extreme magnification. The images keep dividing from the micro-world to the macro.

Apparently this is all happening in the laboratory? Are we not viewing things from under a microscope? What you should do here is make the correct slug. We are not actually in a laboratory right now, but right inside a microscope. It might be better here to intro the laboratory first and show the protag looking through the lens. Then move to what we can see through the scope.

Code Nano-machines are building a crystalline structure from miniscule carbon tubing.

Nano-machines build a crystalline structure.

Got to page 5 on this one. Not really for me. Not feeling the author's voice and there is a lack of screenwriting talent on show. Still a ways to go for this writer.

on p4 you have "That's what I'm looking for". But the character reads "narration" - and I'm lost as I haven't seen the description of this narrator.
Better have a character as Narrator maybe.
on p6 you have a character repeat "It's... It's" - I think one It's is enough. Even if the actor will feel compelled to say it twice - the phrases would read better that way. I found out about this just lately, but started using this knowledge.

Why do you need quotation marks on "blows his mind" - you don't. As I read there are many repetitions like that.

Then Mallik and the Man talk a really long talk. It's not easy to understand what the Man is trying to say to Mallik in my opinion. I think you need to simplify their talk a great deal.

I liked quite a few visuals in this and I liked how you kept it to the minimum characters. But I think you need to start explaining what's going on from the very beginning to hold our attention.

Ugh. Please ignore crappy comments like :

Quoted from DustinBowcot Not feeling the author's voice and there is a lack of screenwriting talent on show.

What a horrible thing to say. We all learn as we go. No one started out perfect...NO ONE. The OWC is a great writing exercises. I'm sure you'll learn plenty from this one and your next entry will be even better.

Anyway, this had some good moments. There was too much dialog though, and you need to break it up with some action. Better pacing is needed here. If you have conversations that last for more than two pages, it slows things down, like on pages 7 & 8. But don't sweat it, There are a few entries this month guilty of the same thing but even worse...Just learn from it.

Just keep writing and DON'T pay attention to ignorant comments. Congrats on completing something for this OWC.

Was kind of caught of guard by "indistinguishable". As far as I know, night and day are the only things you should use here cause it has to be one or the other, eg: lights on for night, sunshine for day.

I like your descriptions to follow, but as stated above - your slug still needs to be proper.

I guessing you're fairly new at this as you haven't capped the technician and narration should be MALE (V.O.) or whatever the name of the character is and the (V.O.) needs to stay there unless we are seeing the character speak. Then again, your descriptions seem clean, so I don't know about the newbie thing.  

Page numbers at top right, not bottom with a line across - this was distracting. Slugs don't seem to be spaced right either.


EXT. AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK – DAY

The blonde cracked desert of the Australian Outback.

SUPER-IMPOSED TITLE types out one letter at a time:  [SUPERIMPOSE - one word, or SUPER]

87 YEARS AGO.

The TITLE disappears via back-spacing, THEN:

TODAY.  [this made no sense - why state 87 years ago and then no show anything, then go and change it to today]


I think you gave this a good try, you've put a lot of effort into it and there is a good story in here, but it needs a lot of work. Keep at it.

As it is, this wasn't for me, sorry.

Good effort

Renee

Quoted from mmmarnie Ugh. Please ignore crappy comments like "lack of screenwriting talent". What a horrible thing to say. We all learn as we go. No one started out perfect...NO ONE. The OWC is a great writing exercises. I'm sure you'll learn plenty from this one and your next entry will be even better.

I'd say "love you, man" if it wasn't so grossly inappropriate...

Straight up, your formatting looks very off.

'Strange something' is a pretty poor description in context to the technical writing before. And then you use it a second time. Not the best way to shift a reader into the script by showing them random scientific mumbo jumbo. Have to be concise then skip directly to the android.

Too many descriptions with Man, I literally have no clue who's who.

The Suit (still don't know who that is) faints or does his mind literally blow up? I don't think I've ever seen a man faint from being surprised.

So he gets up then falls down again? Gave me a good laugh.

Okay, another guy introed as Man? Who's who now?

Well, I have no clue what happened here. Shame too since the idea sounded cool but everything was lost in the cryptic narration and random characters that popped in every where. Nothing was clear and that's always a big problem that a lot of writers face when they write hard sci-fi. Needs work.

INT. LABORATORY-INDISTINGUISHABLE – (No Fire Extinguishers here. That’s got to be a safety hazard)

What is the difference between micro-world and micro? A lot of the techno babble in the action I don’t understand but strangely it works at the beginning and a lot of thought/research has gone into thi.s

Not sure why some colours are in caps and others are not, what does that signify?

The scene headings are confusing. What is a LABORATORY / CABIN ?  I’m getting lost quickly now and The Narrator isn’t helping me understand at all.

“INTERCUT: EXT. / INT. JET “

“The TITLE disappears via back-spacing “

You don’t need to put in camera shots or FX. It detracts from what the script is supposed to deliver which is the story. Anything else can be cut and added later once the blueprint is done.

I did read it all but I couldn’t follow what was going on. This was very sci-fi and reminded me a lot of old sci-fi movies in a good way, like Collosus: The Forbin Project. I think you have a knack for writing Sci-Fi but this reads more like a short story than short screenplay and you just need to read up on more scripts and keep on writing!

Good effort and well done for getting this one done.

Page 5

Cool sound effects

TSSSST PPPPPRRR TTTSSST PPPPPRPPRRR.

wrong use of FADE throughout the script, in fact you had quite a few technical issues. They can be easily fixed.

Your story on the other hand was quite confusing, was the MAN actually MALLICK and why not give him a name like MALLICK FUTURE.

It was hard to grasp, but not as bad as some made out IMO

good job on entering

Mark

OK, listen...I'm not going to go into any detail, rant, or negativity.

It's clear you don't know how to write for the screen, but you definitely know how to write.  You get me?

Hopefully, you're reading and reviewing other OWC entries, and hopefully, you're seeing how scripts differ and what works and what doesn't work.

As others have said, there are many, MANY issue on display here, but you honestly come off as a writer and you have a platform on which to build.

Ask questions, get involved in discussions, introduce yourself.  SS is without doubt...THE BEST PLACE ON THIS LONELY PLANET TO LEARN THE INS AND OUTS OF SCREENWRITING...but...an OWC can be a harsh and  hard place to start.

Don't ever give up and kudos for entering this difficult OWC challenge.

You definitely can write but I feel you got a little ahead of yourself with this, especially towards the end or maybe I missed something because the story became less clear as I read on.

There was quite a bit of dialogue going on which took from the story as well but I feel a rewrite could reduce it by a page or two and you could still get your point across. Not a bad effort by any means but it just needs some clarity.

Great job and congrats on completing the OWC.

Your title page is screaming at me  

Writing needs work. A lot of condensing that could be done to make it smoother.

Having the Suit pass out only to wake up less than a minute later is just goofy. Just have him dumbstruck if you don’t want him speaking……..and now he’s out again.

What’s with the fixation on people’s shoes?

The seed of this idea is appealing to me. I like the idea of someone turning on a time machine for the first time, only to receive an urgent message to turn it off. There’s a lot of mystery inherent in it. But this completely lacked drama for me. It was just one person after another delivering exposition. First the Suit, then he gets knocked out and the Man delivers exposition, then he gets shot and it’s the Technician’s turn. And for all that talking I still didn’t understand much. It’s disappointing because something about your title (and title page) gave me the feeling that this story was going to be filled with urgency. Sadly it wasn’t, and it wasn’t for me.

But if you could go back to that seed of an idea and develop something propulsive from it, boy would I like to read it.

Anyway, congrats on completing the challenge.

By now the writer will be aware their formatting is a little off so we'll take that as read.

I tried to plough on through this but it got more difficult as it went along. I reread a few pages and kept going but it's too confusing to get a clear idea of.

There is probably a good story in here. I'm all for mystery and leaving the odd the loose end dangling but this wasn't one I could make out. I do sense this could be good.

Quoted from mmmarnie What a horrible thing to say.

Yes, especially when taken out of context. I said the writer still has a ways to go which is the same as saying...

Quoted from mmmarnie We all learn as we go. No one started out perfect...NO ONE. The OWC is a great writing exercises. I'm sure you'll learn plenty from this one and your next entry will be even better.

My writing style is simply more succinct than yours. I can't be arsed frilling things over. It is what it is. I gave the writer added clues on how to improve. The way I see it, I gave the writer three ways to improve their future writing to your one.

To paraphrase Rendezvous, I wouldn't be surprised if there IS a good story in here.  But honestly - I couldn't really figure out what was going on.  Yes, I got some of the gist of it.  Mankind was dead, IA had taken over, and were searching the timestream to turn off the machine...  thus giving humans and their creator a chance to start over.  I think.  

Like a few other posters above, I do feel that your writing could be streamlined, and that it would help with the story.  Both the read, and clarification of the events.  It'd be interesting to see what happens if this story IS reworked.  Might be some heady stuff in there.

Cheers,

--J (W)

So, robotic clones from the future, of the guy who invented The Machine, have come back to tell him not to, in order to save the human race? That's what I got from this, but judging from the way the story was told, it could've been a hundred other things. Anyway, I enjoyed it in doses, but The Suit was kind of irritating as I just imagined him twirling his sinister mustache. The doctor had really no character, in fact, nobody in it seemed to. This is so average because when I found something I liked, I found something I liked equally less. It had nothing that stood out in its current form.

C.

Science heavy. Intriguing concept. Some intense moments.

Another narration. I like how this one was done from 2 different narrators. Well both cybernetic clones of scientist. I figure the narration starts with the man from Mars, then shifts to the other future technician.  I like the subtle change in the repeat opening narration too. Maybe too confusing. But I liked the narration.

Intriguing What If? The time machine is turned on for the first time and it prints a message saying turn it off. I don't know if I'd automatically do it or need more time to think on it. Interesting. So only robots in the future. The ai have a religion of sorts. That's intriguing.  They believe if they sacrifice themselves the creator can live. Complicated though. And gets a bit talky.

I liked the aboriginal touches. It hints at the larger picture, like how far removed are most of us from our primitive cultures. Likewise once the singularity happens. How human will we be then? How human will ai be?

The ending was confusing. He turned it off. Then somehow remembered the previous timeline. He now doesn't turn it on. He knows the consequences I guess. That's time travel loop logic for ya. But kinda cool the ai seemed to have no problem remembering their previous tfips. How could they remember all the timeliness?

Good settings, Mars to Australia outback. Ai to aboriginals. But complicated. Good What If?

The title page had me laughing - looks like you were running out of space so "off" is compacted together. Maybe that was intentional but it looks funny.

Hmmm, when a script starts with just "FADE" the signs aren't good.

Narration?

This is a strenuous read from the get-go - I have no idea what's happening - feels like I'm back in science class all those years ago.

Well I'm lost so far and this "It’s a 10 foot tall strange something." tells me that I'm not going to be able to follow this one.

"The Suit passes out. Whatever he sees just “blows his mind”." That's funny - really hope it's Crocodile Dundee.

The exposition is so heavy and slows the pace, so much so, that I had to skim the scene with the future technician. There has been a lot of just plain exposition scenes in this OWC and I expected that but this one goes way over the top and actually just adds to the confusion.

I do think there's an interesting premise here, going back to stop this man turning on a machine so he can concentrate on AI and save the future world in the process. I hope that's right? The problem lies in the execution though, the dialogue and the writing aren't the best and it makes it quite difficult to follow - naming the characters would help, and so would actually setting up the story and main character Mallick.

At the moment, this one reads confusing and is hard to follow but there is potential if you decided to give it a re-write. I feel this one lacks a genuine and relatable protag, someone to follow and get behind. It's just a mass of characters that are difficult to root for because we know nothing about them.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

The title page makes me SMILE. Ironic. No problem with that, here. Stupid cool.

But also leads me to overview the layout- A lot of I- and block pages! Page numbers!


I felt comfortable inside the story. There was coming a lot of heart, passion and I felt you want to impress the viewer/reader with extraordinary pictures. It works for me.

You showed cell building, an awaking cyborg, a rocket travelling to Mars, an old school laboratory in old times Australia.  

This whole flair with boards of equation and technical stuff you build up is good.

I understood the story and it was just cool, maybe I missed some tiny details as result of a lot of dialogue forcing and the twists are partly too arbitrary, so it was hard to change my view with them, precise and just in time. I hope you understand what I mean. Feel free to ask.

Concerning the other's criticisms about your technical writing. Read them and use them.
Especially the format things. I liked your descriptions "partly".

I think the important part is there, and impressive, passionate- the delivery part has to be able to carry that. Still great film, great stuff. Go on with it. Rewrite that stuff.

You have some really expressive visuals here, including direction of composition that you would like to play out. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you either do, or have worked in editing and would like to make the transition to creating what you see in your mind to paper, and it's creating some decent concepts here.

It took me a few times going through this, but I'll be damned if I didn't see it like an enigma to be solved, I just have to take a crack at this. Quite a few metaphors injected into this story. If they were consciously, or unconsciously put there is besides the point, because I like the way they resonate back and forth throughout.

First being the DNA sequencing. Cradle of life replication within the laboratory domes and the habitation domes within the landscape. The micro and macro worlds that are interwoven in just about every aspect of reality. GATTACA did something similar and it was a powerful opening scene,  "As it is above, so it is below" so it is stated.

The four helix strand that was being sequenced replicated the four section ladders within the machine used to transfer the digital stream. Wasn't sure at first how four strands could be ignited within a planet surrounded by the Van Allen belt, because it would require a higher frequency of resonation coming in than what is currently available... but alas, we find out we're on Mars and it might actually work. This in turn would ignite more Chakras and plug the being farther into the Prime (Creator). Closer to the concept of A.I. in this case.

You spoke of a BIO-logical transfer of the DNA through different streams, however, would it make more sense to say that the 'memories' and consciousness would be sufficient to travel through the (digital) stream, and just have the proper sequence reconstruct the biological aspect of the corporeal on the other side? Of wherever that is.

The DNA construct pushes out a replica, but with a form of A.I. that is susceptible to the consciousness creating variants within, giving each an inherently different set of nuances, and ultimately values. Hence the 'black' and 'white' shoes to reflect the metaphor of good versus evil. The good wanting to terminate the entire experiment to allow humans a chance to evolve to their full potential. I think creating a form of A.I. is an aspect of the symbiotic dance that we are being forced to realize anyways, so who's the winner in this story?

'A chalk board with a giant equation, taking up both slabs.'

It has been suggested that the most complex quantum theorem could fit on a 3 x 5 index card. I think it's mans current logic of thinking, that the most complex theories need to be visualized as complex. Think' Men in Black' when a cat had the entire universe dangling from a collar around its neck... conveyed a huge idea, made simple.

I think there is quite a bit in here that could be mentioned. You're going to have to post a synopsis of this when the time comes. Great work!

This was a turn off from the off, unfortunately - the huge writing on the title page, and then the 'indistinguishable' as a slug: not a great start.

Sorry - page three is such a mess that I'm out.