I'm not a fan of the title, sounds like a dodgy tv cop show, but I thought I'd give this a read anyway.

Overall this was pretty good. It's a bit too vague in parts but I guess that was what the writer was going for. I found it was carrying me along well until near the end.

I'd say some parts need to make clearer exactly what is happening when. Otherwise at the end it feels more a partly glimped puzzle than a full fledged story.

I liked this script.  Solid writing, interesting characters...  And I actually teared up a little at Mom's speech at the end.  Don't tell anyone.

BIG problem with the ending, though. In the dream - which presumably is the time travel - the old lady and little boy are saved; and Devlin killed.  How did time then change to result in his father being killed instead?

A suggestion here: have the Fairy Princess reappear in the dream, and Conor begs her to save Devlin.  Maybe she even shows him a glimpse of what life would be like if it stays as-is...  His father wracked by guilt and ultimately destroyed.  Something like that.  Anything that explains the change in the ultimate outcome.  This is a good story - most of it.  It deserves a strong, poignant ending.

Cheers,

--J (W)

page 3

A change in time, we should at least have a SUPER and the year or Connor's new age.

page 8

Unnecessary use of fade out and fade in... you could use CUT TO but IMO we know you're going to a new scene via the slug.

finished

slightly confusing, I thought he went back in time to save his dad... then his dad killed Devlin while the old lady didn't die... but yet the dad still died and Marnie appeared.

this story needs to be more clear, you might have rushed it to get it in on time, but you left a lot loopholes.

either way it was an easy read

good job on entering

Mark

Madison and church

I've no idea what this title means, but it sounds like an address in New York

Ok, I admit it, this is the first time I have read the other reviews, after reading, before I put my response together. The truth is I was lost and I wasn't  sure if that was me.

Start, I liked it, a sense of foreboding, of mystery, of desire.

Then...two boys go to a junction and see an accident that results in one boy being killed by a bit and run car. But this avoids his dad dying later...at the expense of his friend??

I mean, the mother states he gave his life to avoid the woman, yet we see him not involved, because the other boy dies.

Yeah...big time confused, by what happened but importantly...the message and tone.

This is the confusing line...

"He gave his life to save them."

In what context? I am reading this that In a Previous version of event he dies avoiding the woman. If  so then the boy takes his freind there, who dies, but saves his father. But it doesn't happen?

Oh I have a headache....

Having said that, a fair effort

I'm afraid I don't have much to add that hasn't already been brought up so I'll keep this brief.

Ending doesn't make sense. There simply isn't enough information to draw any solid conclusions to what happened, other than Connor woke up and it was all a dream or something. This is no good. I feel like this might be an issue with getting your entry in on time so if you have any ideas as to how this was all supposed to work, those still need to be figured out.

The fairy was an interesting device for time travel but I feel like there's no explanation for why she shows up or how she operates. Also no good. Her dialogue is off as well. Seems like it's trying too hard to sound old timey, mystical, or whatever. It doesn't work given the present day context.

That's all I got. I think there's a decent story here but definitely some issues that need to be worked out. Hope this helps.

Madison & Church

Good, solid writing.  I think I know who wrote this, but I could be wrong.  Anyway, I didn't really care much for the story in this, even though I know it would probably translate to film and become a good short.  The ending was my favorite part and gives Conner a nice theme to attach his character to.

I respect the way the writer avoided making this a "one sided" story through the plot which gives credibility to Mary's character, and makes every more rounded.  Great technique, and I enjoyed how the tales clashed.

Overall it's a decent script, just needs some salt and pepper.

Johnny

Hey Gang,

First, I'd like to thank Sean and Don for putting this on. It really is a great exercise for us writers to take part in.

That being said, thanks to all who took their time to read. Much appreciated.

There seems to be a general feeling of confusion with my entry, and I'd like to try and clear it up if I can. Connor meeting with the Princess was a dream, as was his successful attempt at saving his father. I guess I tried to convey that this in some way was the truth about what might have happened had he been on the corner of Madison and Church that day. The end result with Devlin getting hit by the car is the trade off, and the risk one takes, to try and change the past.

After the dream is reality. Mary and his little sister Marnie were there all along, though they just weren't introduced until that time. There was no need to.

Connie's father did in fact die that day in a car crash, not in Iraq. So, in essence, nothing changed, which as Jeff pointed out, really did not fit in the parameters of the challenge. In my mind I knew this, but I felt it was sufficient at the time.

As for the ending, it was more a coming of age type thing, with Connor bandaging his sisters knee, thereby he's taking over the father role of the household, meaning the HE has changed, even as the past stayed the same

Confused yet?  Good. You should be. It is often my mistake in making my shorts a bit vague, really leaving it up to the reader to take what they want from it. It doesn't often work, and leaves people scratching their heads, which doesn't really translate to a tale well told. But, it was fun to write nevertheless.

Steve

read your script. Not bad, but IMHO, and I mean humble, I'm nobody and my comments should be taken with a truckload of salt, it's way too long. I don't think this story needs to be any longer than 8 pages. 10 at the most. Some of that could be trimmed by more economical writing, but there were also some stuff that could be cut out completely. As writers, we don't like to cut a bunch of our work out, but sometimes it's needed in order to tell the story the best way possible.

This is how I saw the story. Connor has a dream that a Fairy Princess grants him a wish. He wishes for his dad  to still be alive. We go back two years. Connor and Devlin are out doing nothing in the city. Devlin gets hit by a car driven by Connor's dad. The dad survives, but now his best friend is dead instead. That's not what Connor wanted. Because his dad wouldn't have been the same after he killed Devlin anyway. He would've become a depressed alcoholic. So back to the way things were. The dad swerved to avoid hitting the woman and her kid and he dies. (must have been driving VERY fast on a city street to actually die...) We learn that Connor's mom was pregnant at the time of the accident and he actually have a 2 year old sister who wears a Fairy Princess outfit that their mother wore when she was 2. Marnie hurts her knee and Connor tends to her and gives her his long forgotten teddy bear from the beginning. It's all very nice. Characters are fine. Dialogue could use some work and at times be cut entirely, but overall, it's nice. Just too long. A 14 minute film...

You're a bit descriptive, IMO. Also not clear at times. The snow falls outside, then a few lines down, the wind howls. Doesn't give the same visuals of the snow. Little things like that.

First slug says BEDROOM. Then a few lines down, we get a mini slug that says BEDROOM. Maybe just calling them CONNOR'S BEDROOM and MARY'S BEDROOM.

Also, try to use better action verbs. Verbs that tell us the action exactly. Instead of walking slowly, maybe you can pick one of these, step, ambulate, perambulate, stride, pace, tread; foot it, Sl. hoof it, pad, ride shanks' mare, go by shanks' mare, Chiefly Scot. shank; stroll, saunter, amble; slog, trudge, plod; shamble, shuffle, Inf. galumph; lurch, stagger, wobble, waddle; sidle, slink, mince, tiptoe; move, go, advance, proceed, wend.  Now obviously they don't all mean walking slowly, but you get my point. Thesauruses are great!

I don't think you need to mention all the different planets. You've already told us it's a planetarium projector...

Is the Fairy Princess part a dream? If so, I think her dialogue should be a little more like a 12 year old. Seems the words she uses are not something a 12 year old would come up with.

I don't think we need to know the pedestrian signal has a thirty second countdown. Just a suggestion of where to cut something out. It takes 5 lines to let us know there's a pedestrian signal that turns green to GO and people cross...

Devlin's body. The young boy's legs... We already know how old he is. More unnecessary descriptions.

Maybe have Devlin call out for his mom rather than his mommy? Maybe that's just me, but a 12 year old seem too old to call out for mommy.

Good visuals on everything freezing in its tracks except the rain.

Page 9. We're back in the house now, but at what time? Present time or still two years earlier. I'm confused.

CRASH! Mary runs inside. What happened. I guess I'm dense?  

Marnie speaks very well for a 2 year old.


Not sure I've read anything by you before, but you did a great job. Just needs some tweaking to avoid being longwinded.  

Pia,

Thanks for checking this is out. Much appreciated

Quoted from Pia I'm nobody and my comments should be taken with a truckload of salt

First off, you're not nobody. You're well respected round here, and a produced screenwriter. That's exactly why I asked you to check this out.  

Quoted from Pia This is how I saw the story. Connor has a dream that a Fairy Princess grants him a wish. He wishes for his dad  to still be alive. We go back two years. Connor and Devlin are out doing nothing in the city. Devlin gets hit by a car driven by Connor's dad. The dad survives, but now his best friend is dead instead. That's not what Connor wanted. Because his dad wouldn't have been the same after he killed Devlin anyway. He would've become a depressed alcoholic. So back to the way things were. The dad swerved to avoid hitting the woman and her kid and he dies. (must have been driving VERY fast on a city street to actually die...) We learn that Connor's mom was pregnant at the time of the accident and he actually have a 2 year old sister who wears a Fairy Princess outfit that their mother wore when she was 2. Marnie hurts her knee and Connor tends to her and gives her his long forgotten teddy bear from the beginning. It's all very nice. Characters are fine. Dialogue could use some work and at times be cut entirely, but overall, it's nice. Just too long. A 14 minute film...

That pretty much sums it up. Everyone was so confused when they read this. Maybe the rewrite made it clearer. I dunno. I think taking it out of the genre of a time travel story lends a little clarity to it.

Nobody ever complained it was long winded. Just confusing. But I agree that it should be trimmed. When you look at it from a different perspective, I guess it needs to be more succinct and to the point. I did fill this with a ton of description as it was the first script I wrote that featured a much different style than I had used previously.

Thanks again. Salt taken.

Steve