The god squad

Logline - goes back saves a wealthy man from a divorce, with a price. Not bad. Almost sounds like a Faustian pact?

Ok, lots of writing issues. So many obvious ones I wonder whether this is on purpose. Mind you, last time I said that I was way wrong.

I liked it but it clearly has issues. God squad, yet he acts very unlike god, and quiet frankly if he could do this, why he hasn't done this before?? There were rich people before.

Anyway, a fun read, nicely paced and with a twist, not a twist I thought worked, but all the same not the obvious one of getting sy and the wife together in a saintly manner.

Preston was ok. Bit cliched in part shouting, throwing phones in the water etc. Then you added depth, but with only a few pages it clashed to a degree. Why should I feel for the wife?

I suppose my core issue is the point of the story? A man who has the unique power to travel in time, someone with everything at his finger tips, even with a powerful observational team etc, steals a rich mans life and wife for the fun and glamour. Humm.

But, I enjoyed it.

Cheers

Hey.
It had a bit of a superhero taste at first. Partly cool stuff you brought on the screen. But:

The problem, as almost always when I read a script of the full page length, is, that there are wrong decisions inside the script which lead the play up to the very last border and cliff. It's not developed well. You have to bundle your concept to the best way, tell everything you Need, and which is important to show, especially complete, nothing else.

Why does Preston travel alone in the test?
Why has he killed his uncle, and with which consequences?
Where is Jacob in the end? What were their both motives? Etc etc etc

I think, the passion is there, sure. You would do yourself a favor to write more around the essence of what you want to tell, complete, without anything missing or unfinished strings and plots.

That doesn't mean anything has to be perfect, not at all. I hope you had fun to write, that's most important.
I think your play would be good if you would have an imagination where your character's world starts and where it stops.

Cary Grant in the role of Rex.  The writing is so confident that it transfers to the characters, or maybe it's the other way around.  The close of the story right in the reader's face would likely be amusing on screen.
I think all the chattiness in the descriptions is distracting... otherwise congratulations on this worthy effort.

Let me just get a little, personal nitpick out of the way-

Pg 11 “My family goes back several thousand years.”    Yeah, so does mine. Everyone’s does, actually.

“My people are on the walls of prehistoric caves and hieroglyphics in pyramids.”    Ditto.

The initial concept is very inventive, but it will take some shoring up. You’d need to think of a reason these guys can’t/won’t just take whatever they want, whenever they want it.

I agree with those above who said Rex’s goal should’ve been more emotional (ie pursuit of Veronica). Once again, the acquisition of stuff is too easy to carry much weight.

Your breaking of the fourth wall actually reminded me of House of Cards, but I don’t think you’ve used it as effectively as you could have. In that show, Spacey’s character frequently breaks the fourth wall to give us some background, or more importantly, to give some insight into whatever scheme he’s hatching. In a way, the show is making the audience part of his conspiracy. We’re complicit too. You could probably use it in the same way here, so I don’t think you need to get rid of it. Just rethink what information he’s telling us that way and why.

The scene with 9 year-old Preston is very jarring and out of place. I don’t think you need a background for this character, but either way this doesn’t strike me as correct. Preston comes off a little like Donald Trump. But from that scene, I’d project a serial killer.

You have enough here to make a good story. The idea that rich people would take this fantastic piece of technology and use it as just another way to make money seems… accurate. You just need to give the set-up and character logic a once over.

Congrats on completing the OWC

I liked the situational engineer term that was clever. It felt like the dialogue was going for a Goodfellas vibe. But it missed the mark. The insult of the dogs, the wife, facebook,... could be a whole lot better. This turned me off. However,  I imagine you're seeking that sort of reaction. There are more creative ways to make a twisted perverse insult.

I was really disappointed there was no machine or time travel science. The idea of hereditary superpowers was cool though. Different. The concept could be better demonstrated and explained.  After all, don't we all have ancestors going back 1000s of years. I like how you deflate the crazines with the cell phone reception joke.

My favourite reference was to Tesla. You should have elaborated on this more. Here was your excuse for the machine and the tech behind it. Use tesla as reference, or inspiration. Maybe hint that they share the same powers with tesla.he was smart because he saw the future. Oh and the happy ending comes without altering any timelines? Or am I confused here?

Good concept of time travel superpowers. Could be further elaborated.

The God Squad

The story here was okay.  Barebones, it's got some clever ideas that could lead to more story or even a feature.  The formatting is off with the spacing, slugs, and the spacing of slugs.  The dialogue was hit or miss.  Sometimes the dialogue would be brilliant and well-timed, then other times I would be scratching my head.

I would've like to see the operation execute in a more clever way, but mainly it would've been cool to see Rex use the same "check" line that Preston used on Veronica.  Kudos for giving Preston a little more depth than just your everyday asshole, but it never really surfaced in his everyday life.

Overall, not a bad effort but the script is inconsistent in story and formatting.

Johnny