The main problem is the travel for me. Andrew invented a clock with which he can go to the past. Then the clock broke and he cannot go back, because he forgot a special wire…

During the travel his old self is still there. So, it's not just a travel, it's a clone travel. You become more when you do it. Yes, this has been executed before… I get not the connection to buy it here. It isn't original enough for me. Too safe and constructed. In that way it had to be a bit more ridiculous, that old Andrew somehow lives, like ALF, in Mitch's garage and they do some things for about a  longer time…

Quite a few loopholes in this one.

based on his age he could never have met his dad, but yet missed him, I guess through his mom's description.

At the end he asked if he missed mom to Mitch???? wasn't mom still alive or did I miss that.

Also the special wire that he forgot... I'm an electrician and I'm pretty sure even in upstate New York I could find any wire

Overall not a bad entry

good job

Mark

The use of VO here isn’t as bad as in some others, but much of what it says is visually conveyed just fine.

Pg 4 “If you get in that car, you’ll die”. Very blunt. How come nobody ever tries to gently manipulate the past?

Top of page 5: Why does Andrew grin when he says that? And since you mentioned it twice, what happened in those 6 hours that left Mitch in worse shape than the initial crash and explosion.

I’m torn over this one. It went down pretty easy and I enjoyed it as I read. I’m also pretty sure I understand everything that happened. But I also feel the pieces were in place for a much stronger ending. Old Andrew is a neat twist, but it’s a little ‘surface’, and doesn’t really address the heart of the story.

I was intrigued by the ‘You miss mom?’ line at the end because it seems to imply that her timeline is still going. That for her, Andrew just left one day and never came back (which is actually depressing as hell considering how broken she is).

It got me thinking, what if Andrew had to make a choice between staying with his dad in the new timeline he created, or going back to his mom? You could have him let go of the past, take responsibility of his present and try to console his mom with the knowledge that his dad is ‘out there somewhere’. I think you’ve already got the tone set to dig a little deeper, so something along those lines would’ve been nice.

Then again, maybe I should appreciate this for what it is, rather than what I wish it was.

Solid effort for ten days. Congrats on completing the challenge.

'Cowboy wallpaper' made me laugh, for the wrong reasons. I just had this image of badly plastered wallpaper. No? Just me then.

I haven't read other comments as some tend to give it all away so pardon me if I'm banging a drum you've already heard.

'older than her age'. Erm no, she isn't really. Is she? She may look it, but I often find people are rarely older than their age. In fact, it's very rare indeed. They tend to be the exactly the same age as their age. But this is time travel. So we shall see.

'she does not care'. I'm sure she doesn't, but it would help if you said how she conveyed this.

Not sure him dying 21 years ago is going to have the desired effect, seeing as the protagonist is also 21, so never knew his father. And I'm sure people do mourn for that long, but it seems a stretch.

The date didn't help. If he died that long ago then we're in 2028. Sadly everything looks much like it does now. Obviously fond of the retro look round there.

Now, pardon my pedantry. I'm gonna stop picking on things and actually read the thing.

Done. There's too many holes for this to have the desired effect. If he did invent it then I think it would take a little more than what he said stopped it for that to work. If he's exaggerating or ying for his own reasons then it doesn't ring true. In other words, it's needs a better line.

The other point that bothered me is he left his mother alone, who has spent two decades mourning her lost love and could do with the company, all things considered.

I may be picking too much. There was some of this that was done well. I think some of it needed a bit more thinking about for it to hit the mark.

There is repetition and padding in the descriptive language, I think, although the dialogue read smoothly, to me.  Maybe the voice overs could be cut down.  Or out.    But I can imagine this working as a film.  The story seems pretty straight forward; someone taking power over other lives, and since that's a logical extension of what this OWC is all about I think you succeeded very well.

Writer,

Interesting story. Interesting twist. It just feels like it needs something else. It's a little sentimental, and I like that, but it doesn't really go anywhere by the end.

Your writing needs a lot of work, friend. What is a "really" look?  Stuff like that. I'd suggest you read around a bit, read other scripts. Find what works best for you, because what you have here just doesn't flow very well.

Congrats on entering!

Steve

First off, I think you need to change the title. Leaper is literally a mere flex of the lips away from Looper. You can't tell me the title wasn't inspired by the film. Furthermore, I feel like Leaper suggests a dynamic action/thriller-oriented energy, which your script simply does not have. That's not a knock on your script; clearly this was meant to be something more low key and dramatic.

Anyway, I didn't care for this one. I don't think it's poorly written, per se, at least as far as the format and structure is concerned but damned if it isn't boring. I mean, the concept of a man going back in time to save his father is inherently dramatic but the means by which Andrew saves his father here are not. You even have one of your characters point out precisely why:

Quoted Text MITCH So, this grand plan of yours involves what? Sitting in a diner all night long? ANDREW Something like that. MITCH Sounds boring.

There you have it. This is the veritable climax of your script BTW. I mean, nothing else is. Seriously ask yourself, is this really climactic?

Everything about the script is also cliche to boot, down to the smallest details like the pie, flux capacitor jokes, Andrew ordering a "cup o' Joe," or Mitch calling his son "champ." You even have Mitch say "Too old to hang out with your old dad, huh?" I mean, he didn't say "old man" so it's not as contrived as it could've been but the idea still is.

Andrew's V.O. is also cliche. Comes off like a movie trailer. It's also incredibly expository as is the majority of the dialogue in the script. It's all explaining to the point where it's basically the means by which the plot moves forward. When Andrew and Mitch meet in the diner, Andrew saves him by basically spewing information at him. Hardly any action taken whatsoever except perhaps taking a seat across from his dad.

The only real innovation in the story is the ending with Andrew sticking around after the time machine broke. It was actually sort of refreshing when it came about but in hindsight it actually doesn't make that much sense. I mean, I can see why they might keep up their relationship if Mitch felt that Andrew had saved his life but how does he know this for sure? Did someone else die that same night on the same stretch of road and was also found six hours later and identified by their dental records? If Mitch read something about that in the paper the next day or something to that effect, it might've worked. Otherwise, he just ran into a creepy dude at the diner who'd somehow dug up a bunch of personal shit about him. I mean, maybe that'd seem like enough but time travel is just flat out a HUGE pill to swallow for anyone regardless of the circumstances.

Anyway, there's this notion that a script doesn't need to be super original or innovative; it can be a familiar story that's just well written. I happen to agree with this, even though it's not a mentality I apply to my own writing. However, there's something to be said about interpretation. You can have a familiar story but a different interpretation of it. To me, there was almost no personal interpretation brought to this script and even if that weren't the case, the plot is still too static and easy to really be effective.

Sorry to come off as an asshole. But honestly this reads overly safe and complacent, which sort of rubs me the wrong way. That, of course, is just something I'm inferring. I could be completely wrong. But I think more effort should have gone into this creatively speaking. The writing itself is okay, I suppose.

Hope this helps.

This one was serviceable. Maybe it's just me, but when I think time travel, I always want there to be an unhappy ending, just on principle. You didn't deliver that here, but with good reason. The writing (mainly dialogue) wasn't so great, but the story itself worked. I really didn't like the way you handled the scene in the diner, though. Anybody who would be able to tell me that much detailed information about my past, I don't think I'd play the skeptic card. I'd be inclined to believe them almost instantly. Just a thought. Decent work.

C+.

Like others, I looked at the title on this and thought that maybe something else might have been better. With it being so close to Looper and the challenge being time travel, well - the expectations on this being good are lifted.

The opening scene for this is out of place as Andy at age six and never meeting his father, wouldn't be feeling what he while looking at the photo - the emotional attachment isn't there. Unless he had something happened that would have been related to him not having his dad around, ie: being bullied, but we don't see anything that would suggest this at all.

I also don't believe that Ashley would still be in the state she is. I believe it would have been hard on her, but this is a bit much this many years later.

I liked how Andrew went back and changed things, but was a little thrown by his older self being in the future the way he is. I think the ending could have worked if Andrew just had have come back and things were peachy, ie: he lived a happy life with his parents now.

I liked the idea itself, its a neat little idea, but I feel this story needs more. IMO, it needs a rewrite with more pages to really explain everything properly. Then again I think a few of the entries do.

Hard challenge  - good effort.

Renee

Guess I can chime in on this now.  

Some liked, some didn't.  Seems it's a mixed bag.  Which is a good thing, as this was my first script since coming back from a 418-page novel.

I do see the problems this has, which is why I'm rather shocked to see it made consideration for the top 3.  

Be assured, I'll fit a rewrite into my schedule shortly, hopefully to clear up some of those issues and holes. Whether that's a feature or a short, I can't say. It is on my list though.

Thanks to everyone that read this, and be sure I WILL READ YOURS if I haven't already.

I'm just bogged down at the minute with a production company that's working with me on one of my scripts.

I'll make time this weekend.

-Lee

Leaper

Although I didn't get into this right away, it grew on me in the last pages.  As far as the writing goes, it's pretty solid.  Formatting/spacing off page 1 looks off.  Also, Andrew references his fathers death 2 times in V.O., and once directly to him.  It's a minor gripe.

But the ending was clever, two twists back to back.  I think you could've put us in the middle of it all with the interaction between him and his father at start.  Or open with mystery, maybe the final revelation?  That way when we see old Andrew in the end, it would be really mind bending stuff.  Personally, I thought the beginning was boring but fortunately it didn't take away from the end.  Nice work.

Johnny