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I loved the first scene. The discriptions and dialogue were very well written. My expectations were up. After that tho, it just went down hill for me. The writing continued to be good, but i was confused, maybe my fault, but why did Hector kill himself? Why are the streets filled with trash? Why are people fighting with the police? Are these things explained?
I like this one. It escapes me right now, but this is very like a film I have seen, but cannot pinpoint it. The pixilated conversation reminded me of Tom Cruise not being able to let go in 'Minority Report'.
The premise of this one then is interesting. Trevor has trouble letting go after the death of Sadie and Cade - was he intended to be emaciated and depressed like Trevor in 'The Machinist'? I assume that was an influence. That is a great film, by the way.
With regard to Astrid's questions above - I assume Hector's suicide, and the civil unrest was due to the imminent asteroid? The ending was satisfactory for me, as I like a happy ending now and again.
This was sad, but I did enjoy it. I agree with the Minority Report comparison - there's also a bit of Deep Impact here, and particularly the wonderful Children of Men.
Meeting the competition criteria: you have the family and the picnic, albeit under slightly unusual circumstances. However, I don't see a secret. That Sadie and Cade are dead is a reveal, but it's not a secret. So therefore, this doesn't quite meet the criteria for me - 6/10 Characters: I liked them. They were well drawn and sympathetic. Trevor I sympathised with, Hector I was intrigued by. Sadie and Cade were pretty bland, but fine - 7/10 Dialogue: generally pretty good. However, I was expecting a level of poignancy and emotion between Sadie and Trevor just before the asteroid struck which you didn't quite deliver on - 6/10 Story: I'm a fan of end-of-the-world stories if they're done right. As I've already mentioned, Children of Men is one of my favourite films. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy, is one of my favourite books. So I did like this. Hector's suicide, and the call, were both good touches. I wonder, given just how imminent the impact is, if people would bother going out and smashing stuff up. They have hours to live - wouldn't they be at home with their families. I didn't like the ending. Tailor-made heavens where the protag is reunited with his family are cliche and sickly. Marks off for that - 7/10 Writing/format: generally fine. The repitition of 'trashed', particularly the phrase 'bit trashed like the streets', stood out as a low point for me - 7/10
"With regard to Astrid's questions above - I assume Hector's suicide, and the civil unrest was due to the imminent asteroid? The ending was satisfactory for me, as I like a happy ending now and again."
This one was pretty sad. Like the others said, it reminded me a lot like Armageddon, Deep Impact, all the such. (And, I agree with Mr. Johnny, Children of Men is a fantastic film. I can see how he sees that in this script, with the fighting in the streets and stuff?) I was a bit confused about what was going on in the middle when he goes to Hector's house and walking along the streets, but it was all explained at the end. I really liked the ending, too. I liked the sense of complete serenity (sometimes I wish I could have that feeling). Some of the dialogue was a bit...off, I guess, for me. I dunno. But other than that, I thought it was good.
I liked this one! Very creative, and well written throughout. One thing that stuck out was in the very beginning...you describe Trevor as being tall, and then you say Sadie is no taller than Trevor. I don't get this at all...men are taller than women and when a man is described as being tall, then it goes without saying that he shoud be taller than the woman.
Pretty cool concept though and your writing worked for me all the way till the end, which I thought was pretty cool as well.
I think the super was placed in the wrong spot though. Was this to show passage of time? I don't recall knowing what the date was during the first picnic, or that Trevor had aged.
I liked this one as well. It was clever of you to set this in the future, which allows for the holographic technology as well as the asteroid.
Interesting, this is the second OWC script I've read with a dead guy with slit wrists in a bathtub. From a picnic theme? How does that happen?
But this story was well-rendered, I thought. It reminds me of a Canadian movie that I can't remember the title of, where an asteroid is approaching Earth, and it shows the various reactions of people. Some go wild, some stay home, some just go about their daily lives and wait for the inevitable.
It reminds me of a Canadian movie that I can't remember the title of, where an asteroid is approaching Earth, and it shows the various reactions of people. Some go wild, some stay home, some just go about their daily lives and wait for the inevitable.
Cam,
If you recall the name of that movie, please let me know.
You have a great attention to detail. It makes a reader feel enthralled in what’s going on. At least it did for me.
Your characters felt somewhat bland, but I got over it because the story seemed so good. It was so sad, and I like sad. But above all it was touching.
I say very nice job for the OWC!
Bryan
Shorts: Good Golly Miss Molly No Place Like Home New Moon Rising Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW! The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody Toy Soldier This Modern Love A Virgin State of Mind
Two great scripts in a row. By far, the most original of any of the OWC entries.
Quoted from "BryMo"
You have a great attention to detail. It makes a reader feel enthralled in what’s going on. At least it did for me.
Your characters felt somewhat bland, but I got over it because the story seemed so good. It was so sad, and I like sad. But above all it was touching.
Although I personally found the characters compelling, this about sums up my thoughts. And other than a couple typos, I didn't see much to fix or change.
Truly terrific. And the writer did this in a week? Wow.
Best one I have read so far....there is some real good writing here and a really neat story. I don't think there is anything in this script that I didn't like or would change, even the whole "deep impact" thingy worked. This fit the theme and genre very well. Great job to whoever wrote this one
I have to say that in my opinion, this is the best I've read so far by a country mile. I loved everything about this, the idea, the writing, the ending, outstanding from start to finish.
The setting in 2069 was great, the technology, everything. It was so well thought out and put together. I did have one or two minor issues with dialogue but I'd be nitpicking. I don't really have a bad thing to say about this.
Alright, first of all, I want to thank everyone for reading, and that I'm glad that those who enjoyed it...Enjoyed it. I appreciate the comments.
And now on to the questions...
Quoted from Andrew Allen
I like this one. It escapes me right now, but this is very like a film I have seen, but cannot pinpoint it. The pixilated conversation reminded me of Tom Cruise not being able to let go in 'Minority Report'.
The premise of this one then is interesting. Trevor has trouble letting go after the death of Sadie and Cade - was he intended to be emaciated and depressed like Trevor in 'The Machinist'? I assume that was an influence. That is a great film, by the way.
I've never seen either of those movies, so I had no idea this script tied to those two movies.
Quoted from Jonnyboy
However, I don't see a secret. That Sadie and Cade are dead is a reveal, but it's not a secret.
Yeah, that's true, but I do recall someone asking (in the thread where the OWC genre and theme were revealed) if the secret had to be revealed to the family members, or if it could be revealed to the audience (if the characters already know), so I decided to go with the second one (mainly because I couldn't figure out a way to keep this type of story but make the secret revealed to the characters).
Quoted from Dreamscale
One thing that stuck out was in the very beginning...you describe Trevor as being tall, and then you say Sadie is no taller than Trevor. I don't get this at all...men are taller than women and when a man is described as being tall, then it goes without saying that he shoud be taller than the woman.
...
I think the super was placed in the wrong spot though. Was this to show passage of time? I don't recall knowing what the date was during the first picnic, or that Trevor had aged.
What a stereotypical thing of you to say! Ha ha, just kidding. Yes, it's true that the average man is taller than the average woman, but some times women can be taller, and men can be shorter.
The super was to just show what the era was, considering that there were soon going to be high-tech gadgets involved, and the soon-to-be imminent disaster was going to happen (since scientists say that these disasters can happen very, very soon).
My question though is what about Hector? I'm not 100% sure what happened there...
Since the world was ending, Hector just didn't want to be there when it happened. So he decided to end it early, but since he had something he needed to give to Trevor, he just told him there's a key on the door frame, and that there's a note on the hologram generator. Hope that helps!
Thanks everyone for reading! I'm glad you all liked it!
This one was pretty sad. Like the others said, it reminded me a lot like Armageddon, Deep Impact, all the such. (And, I agree with Mr. Johnny, Children of Men is a fantastic film. I can see how he sees that in this script, with the fighting in the streets and stuff?) I was a bit confused about what was going on in the middle when he goes to Hector's house and walking along the streets, but it was all explained at the end. I really liked the ending, too. I liked the sense of complete serenity (sometimes I wish I could have that feeling). Some of the dialogue was a bit...off, I guess, for me. I dunno. But other than that, I thought it was good.
Sean
LOL! a critique from the author himself. Misdrection at its best?
Wow, that was really good. I was momentarily confused as it rolled onwards with some of the apparent inconsistencies. The beauty of it was that the inconsistencies cleared up as the ending came on. It was a very sweet, well written story.
The only comment I would have that is that for me, it ended perfectly at the bottom of page 7. Page 8 was unnecessary. Sure, you had a sort of sappy heaven-ish ending to it, but it wasn't needed. You had all the melodrama you needed right there at the bottom of 7, including the title. It was all explained.
But it was still good, and I liked how it kept a lot unexplained until right at the end.
I'm glad you liked it, George. And are you talking about it ending after he opens the locket and inside it reads "Always and Forever"? That would be a good "alternate" ending, but it wouldn't really explain the chaos on the streets, why Hector killed himself, etc. But when you find out about the asteroid, everything pulls together. But if you're talking about just the picnic scene in Heaven, then I can see that the script works without that, also.
A loud BOOM echoes from the sky. The ducks by the pond quack wildly and fly away. All three look up.
A small asteroid breaks through the clouds as a giant fireball. The fireball explodes into smaller pieces.
More small asteroids break through the atmosphere. As each one breaks through, Sadie and Cade�s bodies flicker and pixilate.
Trevor grabs his necklace and squeezes it. He sighs deeply and opens up the locket. Inside is carved �ALWAYS AND FOREVER�
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I got it on page 7. I didn't need to chaos on page 8 to understand it. Everything was there to explain that there was a climactic event having to do with an asteroid collision that destroys everything. You could even add the big asteroid there on 7 in place of the small ones and it's done. It's a case of less being more, in my opinion.
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OWC - Always and Forever
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