I'm still busy writing reviews, so I'll write mine before I read any of the comments.

I think this story has some very good aspects and suspense.  I don't get how Blue and Yellow would know how Brian was going to tell a secret when they weren't sure he was even the guy they were looking for.  

A family secret was revealed, but not to us and that was a bummer! However, the fact that I wanted to know what he did...that's not a bummer.  Good job on making us want to know!

There were many misspelled words, punctuation missing and I think, as I usually say, that it is important to be sure and proof your work just to tidy it up, as these become distracting in a read...at least for me.  Dialogue could also be strengthened along the way without too much effort.

I honestly think you can clean this up and it would be so much better.  Nice twist in the end, and the cool part for me was that it was a little too late for the innocent Brain.

Nice wrap up of the character, Ruby as well.  Good job Giles, just know that we can always improve on what we write with just an extra proofing.

Morgan

Quoted from GM Giles some of the beach scenes were actually being watched from the boat, so the dialogue was actually coming via the headphones. I did want to highlight this in Parentheticals but could not remember the phrase (I was using canned but was sure this was wrong)

I use 'filter' as a wryly in those situations, such as when someone talks through a phone or headphones or walkie-talkie or T.V. or radio.  It definately would have cleared up a lot of things because I thought I had missed a slugline a couple times and had to go back over and read a couple scenes because I was lost.

Anyway, what's up, Gary?

I really liked the story for this one overall.  I didn't really have that much of a problem with the dialogue that a lot of other people seem to be talking about.  I'll go over and give this one another read later, though.

You definately want to go back and fix all those typos, though.  Come on, how long have you been doing this now and you can't put out a 12-pager without any careless mistakes?  And I understand they're just small mistakes, like missing only one letter, but they make for serious problems.  For the first page I thought Ruby was a guy and I couldn't help thinking (what a dipshit this writer is.  Ruby's a girl's name.)  Okay, so I didn't really think that and I never called you a dipshit, but hopefully you get the point.

As for naming them Yellow and Blue, I see what you were going for, but they never refer to each other as Yellow and Blue, so it's kind of useless because it'll be lost onscreen.  (And isn't that what we really right in this structure for in the first place?)  Maybe you can have them wear watches and name them after the color of their watch, like Gold and Mauve or something.  That way, it'll help not only your readers distinguish them, but it's also a focal point for the audience that only sees it onscreen.

As for not sharing with us what Brian's secret was...  You're a dipshit.  :-)

Honestly, I didn't really mind it as I've come across so many 'what's in the briefcase' Pulp Fiction scenarios in scripts now that never get answered I'm kind of numb to it and expect it most of the time.  To be honest, something was telling me in the back of my head that Brian's secret was never going to be revealed.

Others have said that it wasn't integral to the story, and I'm not saying that they're wrong, but I'm going to have to disagree with them.  I think it is.  The secret is focused on throughout the whole script.  Hell, that's why Yellow and Blue were there.  To hear the secret and kill him.  They only hear the aftermath of the secret about why FBI agents always crawled around the family's living room.  I think, at the end of the story, that issue has to be explained.  Why were the agents there, then?  It comes off as laziness (or unintelligence) because it looks like you can't find or come up with a good reason for the agents to be there, but you had to have Yellow and Blue misinterpret something.  It seems like you kind of just gave up on the idea of trying to think of something for a great secret.  I know laziness and unintelligence definately isn't the case, but to a first-time reader...

Other than that, though, the rest of the story was real good.  You built up really excellent suspense...  the scenes seemed to keep building and building.  The writing (minus the typo's) were to the point and deliberate and got the idea across.

A very enjoyable read.  I'll also try and check out some other things you 'released' since I've been gone.

See you around, Gary.

-  Mark

That was pretty decent. I liked how you had it coming from different directions at the same time, and that strange person in the elevator. The secret (un)revealed was pretty clever leaving us to wonder what really was discussed. I would have liked to have known. I was a bit thrown off when they were watching the family from the boat, but I figured it out.

One issue I do have, though, is how you told the audience why the guys in the boat were there. You note in the description how something "completes the disguise." This says they're there for some kind of mission, so instead of giving us a bit of misdirection in thinking they're an ex-boyfriend or just curious for a bit, you tell us outright in an unfilmable line that they're in disguise for something. I would have liked to have seen some actual names as well to further misdirect the reader, since they never use the names you gave them. That along with a little less direct dialogue would have improved that part of the story.

And another thing that threw me off is the blood on Brian's hand. He's cooking and using a spatula or something. Where would the blood have come from? He just flipped the cooking steaks and gave his daughter a hug. The blood was confusing.

You also misfired a name in that Sean was suddenly cooking as the guys were watching from the boat. Who's Sean?

I think the overall story was pretty good and I liked it. I just think the boat part could have been a little more veiled.

Thanks folks for the read. Sorry I have not responded sooner, A huge week for me in every sense of the word and had lots going on. Anyway...


Morgan, you are totally right with your comments, I have already addressed most of them but the fact is that I got lazy and never did a great job of finishing this off and I have only myself to blame. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Mark, Hiya buddy, glad to see you back around and nice to see you are doing okay. I'm a dipshit am I? haha yes, you are probably right. I am stuck in two minds on this, but I do quite like not revealing the secret in the end. Brian is dead so it does not matter anymore what the secret is. I sometimes like ambiguous endings, probably more of a European thing really, where it is not as important to tell what happened at the end of a movie than it sometimes is in the US. I remember the Soprano's controversy, in the UK it was not received as that much of a big deal as it was in the States. Again, thanks for the read. Don't go digging too deep, there is not much I have written in the last year, been trying to work on features and have two unfinished ones. Gonna get my arse into gear soon.

George, Thanks, Good point really, you are the first to mention that and you are right. I never thought of it like that but I should not have mentioned the disguise bit. Thanks for the read.

Cheers folks.