Astrid and Seamus,  thanks for the reads.  Yeah, I  try to incorporate wrestling into everything I write.

Mike Shelton, I hear you about the trimming.  Believe it or not I trimmed the title before submitting.  I dropped the "it" from the end. No Shhh.

1987Brian -  Didn't care for the "sting" part, huh?  They are actually cool, if you are on the observing end.  A couple of my co-workers have been caught in john busts on their lunch breaks.

Hey rc1107,  OK, so everybody sounds immature.  That actually gives me an idea for a different script.  Thanks for the feedback.

JamminGirl,  just too much food poisoning for you, huh?  Guess that's life, death and the pursuit of happiness.

Dreamscale, Blakkwolfe and BobtheBalla, I'm pleased that most of this story worked for you.  I tried.

Michel,  Funny that you mentioned Agatha Christie.  "10 Little Indians" was something of an influence in the setup.  That and Rod Serling's "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street."

Breanne,  Thanks for your comments.  I respect your skills as both a writer and reviewer.  Yeah, you nailed me on a bunch of faux paus, especially the Cabin.  I failed to remove the isolation of the cabin after including the opening scene of Dina.
I only wish you would have submitted something.

Thank you, Pia.  I think you are about my biggest supporter on the board.  Much appreciated.  I'm surprised you didn't give this one a shot.  You do shorts so well.

Cloroxmartini ---  sorry that ending just didn't cut it for you.  I guess that's the nature of the beast.
___

Like other participants, I wrote this in 37 minutes.  It just took me 6 1/2 days to post.

As for the story:

I know the beginning is slow, but gimme a break.  I wrote that part after waking up.  I'm old and slow.
I know there are a lot of characters, and most have no personality, but I've been telling my family that all my freakin' life.
And I know the ending has a squirrelly climax and quick falloff, but I blame that on endurance issues.

The OWC was fun, as always.  I think I'm improving with each challenge.
--

My motivation for writing this script was to put myself in a dysfunctional state of mind.  I'm one of many on the SS boards to be participating in the upcoming Please Remain Calm web series.  My assignment, in 5 pages, was to write a rape scene with no real rape and no nudity.
It's to be dialgoue driven , with no real rape and no nudity. Some violence is okay, but go easy on the blood.

I guess the filmmaker thought I'd be perfect for the rape episode due to my first-hand experience with self-mutilation and penchant for dirty language.

Anyway, here's hoping I do rape better than picnics, family secrets and potato salad.  

Hey Gary,

I was surprised to see that you entered because we haven't seen anything from you for a while, so I thought I would give your script a read.

I thought you did a great job with the characters and the dialogue.  I did think there were a tad too many characters for a short but it wasn't that difficult to keep track of them if you paid attention.  

I thought the beginning was a bit on the slow side.  Once again the characters and the dialogue were great but there wasn't anything there that really grabbed me and pulled me into the story.

Once the secrets started flying though things really picked up.  I liked that you kept the secrets varied and I appreciated that you didn't let things slip into melodrama.  I really liked the end, quite the shocker.

Nicely done for a week.

Good luck with getting your PRC episode in. If you want someone to give it a once over before you submit it, I'm volunteering.

Cheers,

Michael    

"Yeah, I  try to incorporate wrestling into everything I write. "

Then I shall try to read everything you write!

So... Willis is the eldest brother until Brad, who is five years older, shows up? Weird.

On the whole, I really liked it. I think the secrets game was clever, especially the rule about how it can't be traced to whoever wrote it. It allows someone to confess without actually confessing and therefore spark that discussion. A lot of interesting things came out, especially the last one, considering how dad died and that he was always held responsible for the food poisoning.

Of course, Cooper was the one flipping burgers, so I don't see why they'd blame Dina.

Pretty good on the whole, though.

Thank you for the read, Michael C.  I guess that last think I submitted was another OWC, about a year ago.  So, it's been a while.

I figured the beginning was not going to be well received, but you know how it is, sometimes we don't have the time or don't take the time to go back and make things better.

And good luck to you on the PRC segment.  I will keep you in mind to exchange reads for future projects.  I had submitted my Rape segment last weekend, a day past the "deadline."  I am a notoriously slow writer.  

Seamus --  OK, now I'll have to put more wrestling into my writing.  I was going to post something wrestling related, but I forgot how to link a Youtube video.  But as soon as I figure this out, watch out for that German supplex.

George --- thanks for your comments.  I didn't even realize that I forgot to remove the "older brother" label.  I added another brother later and just got sloppy about the ages. My bad, and  nice catch.
I'm pleased the rest of the store more or less worked for you.
I can't recall about the food poisoning, but I think I wrote that Dina brought out the potato salad. If I did not write that, well, it was in my head at some point. HA.

Off topic, I'm wondering how to link the Youtube video, so that the actual video appears.  I'm pretty sure you or Shelton posted something about this in the last 6 months, but I couldn't find the answer in the Q&C section.  Can you enlighten me?  Thanks.

Go to the YouTube video and there should be a link there that says "show video on your own site" or something like that. Copy that code and just paste it in a post.