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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  American Shark in London - OWC
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  Author    American Shark in London - OWC  (currently 5697 views)
Don
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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American Shark in London by Noshar Kneeded - Short, Shark - A great white interrupts a gangland execution. - pdf, format


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stevie
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Lol, I picked this to read first and it's...well, different!

Bit of tongue in cheek stuff but done discreetly to disguise it's possible hint at pisstake.

Fair bit of lively swearing and not to much shark.

Gotta love a script with a Stevie in it, lol.

I'm gonna rate all,the scripts out of 10 this time, just for the hell of it.

This gets a 7.


Note to perps: my reviews are usually short and sweet; I just write a few lines about the good and bad of a script. Feel free to PM if u want more detail, lol



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wonkavite
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, whoever wrote this really, seriously likes the "C" word!    Just kidding - from what I understand, it does get used a lot more across the pond than it does in the States.

I give this one credit for lots of action - and really not all that high-budget.  There's lots of gore, sure... but that's something that can be done on the cheap.  If I were to ding it, I'd say that I was a little disappointed that everyone was basically a bad guy - no good guys to really root for.  And the ending seemed to just fade out.  Though, we all know where it's going...  

Cheers,

--J (W)
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Comes close to a piss in a pot to me. I'm sorry. I regard "What the fuck" and the like as filler dialog, be it from "Psycho" Dave or Stevie. I don';t mind one or two f bombs, but combined with the use of the c word it gets on my bad side rather quickly. If that's pretty much all the characters say, more or less, there's very little to draw me in.

Also, "Then" this happens. No- just show me that it does.
SP didn't wow me. Sorry.

Good job on entering the OWC.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Sham
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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This one had the catchiest title and one of the better loglines, so I read it first.

Formatting is fine. The writing could be cleaned up in spots (the line about Stevie smoking and George not read funny to me).

I agree with Darren about the profanity. It's excessive, distracting, and actually brings the story to a screeching halt more than once.

I'll be honest -- I was disappointed George didn't turn out to be a wereshark or something. I could totally see him shifting when the guys toss him overboard, and I was under the impression something like that would happen based on the title. Oh well, I blame myself for getting my hopes up there.

Otherwise, a decent entry, but the unnecessarily vulgar dialogue kept me from liking it more. Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

Chris


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rendevous
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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The message on the title page made me wonder if I was on the Wikileaks site. Fair enough, I suppose.

It was quite good. Dialogue flowed. The language didn't bother me as much as it seemed to do others. The use of the C word is realistic. Thirty years ago the debate about 'fuck' was much the same. Oh the horror!

Any London pub at night is full of that sort of thing. Depends on how it's said. Usually with a long 'a'.

If you watch The Angel's Share by Ken Loach you'll see Scots using it profusely without the menace it sometimes has. It's just a word.

Anyways, script worked well for what it was. Like others I was expecting some werebeastie but it went alright anyway. Pretty fucking good.

R


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mmmarnie
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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So how are we supposed to know George doesn't smoke? And why is that important?

I liked how this started out. Four well dressed bad guys in a small boat at night. Shark in the water...but then it dragged with a lot of repetitive banter and no real explanation of why they were out there. IMO this needed more story.

I was rooting for George to win. Maybe cus I'm American and the other 3 guys were dissing us Yanks.

I may be wrong but this felt like present time and the challenge was supposed to be...not present. (**EDIT -- realized I read the challenge wrong and present time is fine.  Sorry**)

The writing itself was very easy to read. I breezed right through it. Congrats on completing something for this challenging OWC.


boop

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mmmarnie  -  April 6th, 2014, 11:05am
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Gum
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry man, I had to bail at about pg 6. Quite a bit of NOT much holding my attention. Read a similar one, just awhile ago that had dialog that was easier to keep me going. Skimmed though to the end though.

Great job on getting a script in for the OWC!

Revision here: After going through all the feedback I gave on the other scripts; I realized that I really didn’t give you proper feedback on this one.  The feedback I gave, coupled with a ‘Congrats’ was blatantly ridiculous and about as close as one could get to an oxymoronic statement, and I’m here to say it was rude and uncalled for.

I gave the script another read and, this time, adopted a less cavalier attitude towards the profanity, which was the primary reason behind my initial feedback. Not that I don’t appreciate this type of dialog when it’s done ‘tongue in cheek’, I just somehow perceived it, at first read, as something along the lines of a pi$$er, considering it’s so unnecessary.  Alas, it would appear that this is actually one of the few scripts that incorporated most, if not all of the OWC guidelines, or rule composition within the story itself, and that shows a commitment to the cause; lord knows I went way the hell off the beaten path with my twisted script.

So, even though some of the dialog was OTT to me, after a full read I can honestly say that the overall script design is similar to some of the better written scripts this time around. I hope you’ll accept that statement in lieu of my initial discordant opinion.



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Gum  -  April 13th, 2014, 5:07pm
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Grey
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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I love the title! The characters, to me, were ‘ok’. I didn’t find myself rooting for any of them except the shark.  It was wasted space to describe each character’s specific dress, in my opinion. There was some tension with George rowing down the river to his fate, replaced by a rogue shark in the water. There was never any sort of reason the shark was there. Missed opportunity maybe?

One problem I had was that the boat starts taking on water on page 4. I get to page 7 without another comment about the water filling the hull. Then they are still in the boat at the end of the script with no mention of it sinking or taking on water.  It may’ve upped the tension a bit to build on this since the shark cracked the boat on the first hit.

Also, why wouldn’t Bear and Stevie help their colleague? Instead, they do nothing.

Finally some blood on page 7!  Now we’re talking!

Body parts floating by...bonus points. One thing though, the body parts float by and Stevie is taken by the current, but still seems to talk back and forth with George.

So George finally gets ‘it’ in the end. I’m not sure this is enough for me to walk away feeling great about this story though. I think I would have felt a better pay-off if George was going to be killed but ended up being the only one that survived. Perhaps that’s a bit predictable, too. I have to admit, with that title, I was hoping for some sort of play on the werewolf flick!

Anyway, I thought this was clean writing(except the dirt in the dialogue) and a decent story overall for a week’s time. Good job.


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nawazm11
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Not a fan of the first sentence, very awkward. It seems as if you tried to make it active but all it did was make the whole thing read poorly.

"blows the smoke into George's - who doesn't smoke - face." Tell tale signs of a pisser... The writer was obviously knows this is a stupid line.

But it seems to get better. Dialogue was good, the writing also gets better. But this was the exact problem I foresaw with the OWC, that we'll have 30 unoriginal entries about the same thing. I can't really blame you but I think to really stick out through this OWC, you have to try something new, which I unfortunately couldn't see here. Not a bad effort though, it is what it is. Quite liked what the American had coming to him, glad you went that route. Disagree with peeps who said otherwise about that, and the profanity which I thought worked fine.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mmmarnie

I may be wrong but this felt like present time and the challenge was supposed to be...not present.
.


Any time period except the stone age.
DjS



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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Word of the day: incredulous.

This one didn't work for me it all, especially at start, but it seemed to have a nice bit of writing in the end. I guess some of the weak writing here comes across intentional.

Characters identified by their different suits that have no way of being distinguishable on screen? At least not to me anyway. And how can these characters not come across like a bunch of talking heads without action to support their dialogue?

Stronger verbs were more frequent within the noun phrases, weakening the main clauses (until the end), it was really weird read pace for me.

There were some good lines in this, along with a few snaps back to good writing, but overall the thin streak at start was a confusing. Don't use dashes for adjective clauses, *they didn't feel right in the first sentence, and caused the subject/verb to be interrupted. Try commas.*

Sorry, kind of a miss for me.

Johnny

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  April 6th, 2014, 8:34am
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Last Fountain
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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Where's the full moon? I expected this to be a wereshark story. I kinda wish it was.

This was b movie territory. The gangsters. The language. The violence.  The shark in London!  Why not go all the way. Sure, it'd be ridiculous,  but it'd be fun. There was lots of flavourful pulpy dialogue. Good job with that. I definitely hated them all and couldn't wait to see them get vigilante justice from a shark.

I think the characters could have a better argument. Maybe come in late on the scene,  already arguing in mid-conversation.  Like, I can't believe you did that. There was blood everywhere. ?. Just an idea.

I'd also consider variety in characters. Sure their all street level gangsters. They talk a certain way. Maybe spice it up. One hates the water, one is missing the game he's betting on, one in charge, one captive American.  Again, just my thoughts. It's a really cool b movie premise, I think it could improve with a rewrite.

When they wonder what's in the water, why not outright say I think it's a shark?  They make fun of him. Later... I told you! This would kinda make fun of the premise. Self aware. After all we have to accept the same premise. Also, funny was the literal spit take. I wonder if a smaller shark would work better.

Once shark is aware of them and drawn to boat why not shoot. Maybe gun can jam. Or they fight over gun. Shooting one gangster. Then gun falls in water. So you would still remove the easy way to kill shark.

This was a fun ride.I wish the end was better. More final. More impact. Why not kill them all. It's not like we've grown to like these gangsters. We're not rooting for one to survive. So kill em all in b movie fashion. Give the audience what they want, everybody dies in b movies especially the bad guys.

I think the ridiculous wereshark idea could work. George could be the wereshark. He hunted them. Bit. Now he can transform and kill baddies. Or have him bit on boat, somehow survives, transforms into wereshark. Or weeks later, howling at moon.

A cool b movie concept that doesn't fully deliver. Good dialogue. But better characters would help.


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EWall433
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Good news is this is pretty low budget. The writing was good enough to allow me to see the action without much confusion and the set-up itself actually holds a lot of promise. Unfortunately the execution is quite there yet.

George is surprisingly stand-offish for a guy who’s about to be capped.

I didn’t mind the swearing, per se, but by the end it made all your characters sound the same. George even comments on it when Stevie starts swearing near the end. Leave the lewd bits to Psych0 Dave and give Stevie another way of speaking. Maybe something more refined. I got that Bear was the strong, silent type. Good on that.

There were a lot of odd moments along the way. Does Dave really think a dead body cracked the bottom of a row boat (while no one’s rowing)? Or the speculation that it’s George’s “guys”. Which could’ve added some tension except I never got the sense that George had any guys. It felt like stalling until the shark arrived and I think that’s due to a lack of back story. Why are they out there?

And one last comment I’ll lay here, but will probably be applicable to many of the entries – be careful about explaining the shark’s behavior.  I’m already well aware that sharks generally don’t attack humans nor do they have much desire to. I’ll forget all that for the sake of a shark story, but if you start saying things like, ‘gunfire attracts sharks’, I’m gonna start thinking things like, “No, it doesn’t.”

Anyways,
Congrats on entering the OWC
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TimWestland
Posted: April 5th, 2014, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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Have to agree with several of the previous comments. The banter is gratuitous and doesn't move the story forward. It felt like you were exercising your "witty British  banter muscles"... or that you were going for that "Snatch" feel.

There are some odd visual choices that didn't seem very clear to me.

In the end, a story should have a beginning, middle and end, but this only had a really long middle.

And from the title, I too felt as if there would be a "were-beastie". By not having one in the story, I feel like my expectations were set for me but not delivered upon.
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