American Shark in London by Noshar Kneeded - Short, Shark - A great white interrupts a gangland execution. - pdf, format

Lol, I picked this to read first and it's...well, different!

Bit of tongue in cheek stuff but done discreetly to disguise it's possible hint at pisstake.

Fair bit of lively swearing and not to much shark.

Gotta love a script with a Stevie in it, lol.

I'm gonna rate all,the scripts out of 10 this time, just for the hell of it.

This gets a 7.


Note to perps: my reviews are usually short and sweet; I just write a few lines about the good and bad of a script. Feel free to PM if u want more detail, lol

Wow, whoever wrote this really, seriously likes the "C" word!    Just kidding - from what I understand, it does get used a lot more across the pond than it does in the States.

I give this one credit for lots of action - and really not all that high-budget.  There's lots of gore, sure... but that's something that can be done on the cheap.  If I were to ding it, I'd say that I was a little disappointed that everyone was basically a bad guy - no good guys to really root for.  And the ending seemed to just fade out.  Though, we all know where it's going...  

Cheers,

--J (W)

Comes close to a piss in a pot to me. I'm sorry. I regard "What the fuck" and the like as filler dialog, be it from "Psycho" Dave or Stevie. I don';t mind one or two f bombs, but combined with the use of the c word it gets on my bad side rather quickly. If that's pretty much all the characters say, more or less, there's very little to draw me in.

Also, "Then" this happens. No- just show me that it does.
SP didn't wow me. Sorry.

Good job on entering the OWC.

This one had the catchiest title and one of the better loglines, so I read it first.

Formatting is fine. The writing could be cleaned up in spots (the line about Stevie smoking and George not read funny to me).

I agree with Darren about the profanity. It's excessive, distracting, and actually brings the story to a screeching halt more than once.

I'll be honest -- I was disappointed George didn't turn out to be a wereshark or something. I could totally see him shifting when the guys toss him overboard, and I was under the impression something like that would happen based on the title. Oh well, I blame myself for getting my hopes up there.

Otherwise, a decent entry, but the unnecessarily vulgar dialogue kept me from liking it more. Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

Chris

The message on the title page made me wonder if I was on the Wikileaks site. Fair enough, I suppose.

It was quite good. Dialogue flowed. The language didn't bother me as much as it seemed to do others. The use of the C word is realistic. Thirty years ago the debate about 'fuck' was much the same. Oh the horror!

Any London pub at night is full of that sort of thing. Depends on how it's said. Usually with a long 'a'.

If you watch The Angel's Share by Ken Loach you'll see Scots using it profusely without the menace it sometimes has. It's just a word.

Anyways, script worked well for what it was. Like others I was expecting some werebeastie but it went alright anyway. Pretty fucking good.

R

So how are we supposed to know George doesn't smoke? And why is that important?

I liked how this started out. Four well dressed bad guys in a small boat at night. Shark in the water...but then it dragged with a lot of repetitive banter and no real explanation of why they were out there. IMO this needed more story.

I was rooting for George to win. Maybe cus I'm American and the other 3 guys were dissing us Yanks.

I may be wrong but this felt like present time and the challenge was supposed to be...not present. (**EDIT -- realized I read the challenge wrong and present time is fine.  Sorry**)

The writing itself was very easy to read. I breezed right through it. Congrats on completing something for this challenging OWC.

Sorry man, I had to bail at about pg 6. Quite a bit of NOT much holding my attention. Read a similar one, just awhile ago that had dialog that was easier to keep me going. Skimmed though to the end though.

Great job on getting a script in for the OWC!

Revision here: After going through all the feedback I gave on the other scripts; I realized that I really didn’t give you proper feedback on this one.  The feedback I gave, coupled with a ‘Congrats’ was blatantly ridiculous and about as close as one could get to an oxymoronic statement, and I’m here to say it was rude and uncalled for.

I gave the script another read and, this time, adopted a less cavalier attitude towards the profanity, which was the primary reason behind my initial feedback. Not that I don’t appreciate this type of dialog when it’s done ‘tongue in cheek’, I just somehow perceived it, at first read, as something along the lines of a pi$$er, considering it’s so unnecessary.  Alas, it would appear that this is actually one of the few scripts that incorporated most, if not all of the OWC guidelines, or rule composition within the story itself, and that shows a commitment to the cause; lord knows I went way the hell off the beaten path with my twisted script.

So, even though some of the dialog was OTT to me, after a full read I can honestly say that the overall script design is similar to some of the better written scripts this time around. I hope you’ll accept that statement in lieu of my initial discordant opinion.

I love the title! The characters, to me, were ‘ok’. I didn’t find myself rooting for any of them except the shark.  It was wasted space to describe each character’s specific dress, in my opinion. There was some tension with George rowing down the river to his fate, replaced by a rogue shark in the water. There was never any sort of reason the shark was there. Missed opportunity maybe?

One problem I had was that the boat starts taking on water on page 4. I get to page 7 without another comment about the water filling the hull. Then they are still in the boat at the end of the script with no mention of it sinking or taking on water.  It may’ve upped the tension a bit to build on this since the shark cracked the boat on the first hit.

Also, why wouldn’t Bear and Stevie help their colleague? Instead, they do nothing.

Finally some blood on page 7!  Now we’re talking!

Body parts floating by...bonus points. One thing though, the body parts float by and Stevie is taken by the current, but still seems to talk back and forth with George.

So George finally gets ‘it’ in the end. I’m not sure this is enough for me to walk away feeling great about this story though. I think I would have felt a better pay-off if George was going to be killed but ended up being the only one that survived. Perhaps that’s a bit predictable, too. I have to admit, with that title, I was hoping for some sort of play on the werewolf flick!

Anyway, I thought this was clean writing(except the dirt in the dialogue) and a decent story overall for a week’s time. Good job.

Not a fan of the first sentence, very awkward. It seems as if you tried to make it active but all it did was make the whole thing read poorly.

"blows the smoke into George's - who doesn't smoke - face." Tell tale signs of a pisser... The writer was obviously knows this is a stupid line.

But it seems to get better. Dialogue was good, the writing also gets better. But this was the exact problem I foresaw with the OWC, that we'll have 30 unoriginal entries about the same thing. I can't really blame you but I think to really stick out through this OWC, you have to try something new, which I unfortunately couldn't see here. Not a bad effort though, it is what it is. Quite liked what the American had coming to him, glad you went that route. Disagree with peeps who said otherwise about that, and the profanity which I thought worked fine.

Quoted from mmmarnie I may be wrong but this felt like present time and the challenge was supposed to be...not present. .

Any time period except the stone age.
DjS

Word of the day: incredulous.

This one didn't work for me it all, especially at start, but it seemed to have a nice bit of writing in the end. I guess some of the weak writing here comes across intentional.

Characters identified by their different suits that have no way of being distinguishable on screen? At least not to me anyway. And how can these characters not come across like a bunch of talking heads without action to support their dialogue?

Stronger verbs were more frequent within the noun phrases, weakening the main clauses (until the end), it was really weird read pace for me.

There were some good lines in this, along with a few snaps back to good writing, but overall the thin streak at start was a confusing. Don't use dashes for adjective clauses, *they didn't feel right in the first sentence, and caused the subject/verb to be interrupted. Try commas.*

Sorry, kind of a miss for me.

Johnny

Where's the full moon? I expected this to be a wereshark story. I kinda wish it was.

This was b movie territory. The gangsters. The language. The violence.  The shark in London!  Why not go all the way. Sure, it'd be ridiculous,  but it'd be fun. There was lots of flavourful pulpy dialogue. Good job with that. I definitely hated them all and couldn't wait to see them get vigilante justice from a shark.

I think the characters could have a better argument. Maybe come in late on the scene,  already arguing in mid-conversation.  Like, I can't believe you did that. There was blood everywhere. ?. Just an idea.

I'd also consider variety in characters. Sure their all street level gangsters. They talk a certain way. Maybe spice it up. One hates the water, one is missing the game he's betting on, one in charge, one captive American.  Again, just my thoughts. It's a really cool b movie premise, I think it could improve with a rewrite.

When they wonder what's in the water, why not outright say I think it's a shark?  They make fun of him. Later... I told you! This would kinda make fun of the premise. Self aware. After all we have to accept the same premise. Also, funny was the literal spit take. I wonder if a smaller shark would work better.

Once shark is aware of them and drawn to boat why not shoot. Maybe gun can jam. Or they fight over gun. Shooting one gangster. Then gun falls in water. So you would still remove the easy way to kill shark.

This was a fun ride.I wish the end was better. More final. More impact. Why not kill them all. It's not like we've grown to like these gangsters. We're not rooting for one to survive. So kill em all in b movie fashion. Give the audience what they want, everybody dies in b movies especially the bad guys.

I think the ridiculous wereshark idea could work. George could be the wereshark. He hunted them. Bit. Now he can transform and kill baddies. Or have him bit on boat, somehow survives, transforms into wereshark. Or weeks later, howling at moon.

A cool b movie concept that doesn't fully deliver. Good dialogue. But better characters would help.

Good news is this is pretty low budget. The writing was good enough to allow me to see the action without much confusion and the set-up itself actually holds a lot of promise. Unfortunately the execution is quite there yet.

George is surprisingly stand-offish for a guy who’s about to be capped.

I didn’t mind the swearing, per se, but by the end it made all your characters sound the same. George even comments on it when Stevie starts swearing near the end. Leave the lewd bits to Psych0 Dave and give Stevie another way of speaking. Maybe something more refined. I got that Bear was the strong, silent type. Good on that.

There were a lot of odd moments along the way. Does Dave really think a dead body cracked the bottom of a row boat (while no one’s rowing)? Or the speculation that it’s George’s “guys”. Which could’ve added some tension except I never got the sense that George had any guys. It felt like stalling until the shark arrived and I think that’s due to a lack of back story. Why are they out there?

And one last comment I’ll lay here, but will probably be applicable to many of the entries – be careful about explaining the shark’s behavior.  I’m already well aware that sharks generally don’t attack humans nor do they have much desire to. I’ll forget all that for the sake of a shark story, but if you start saying things like, ‘gunfire attracts sharks’, I’m gonna start thinking things like, “No, it doesn’t.”

Anyways,
Congrats on entering the OWC

Have to agree with several of the previous comments. The banter is gratuitous and doesn't move the story forward. It felt like you were exercising your "witty British  banter muscles"... or that you were going for that "Snatch" feel.

There are some odd visual choices that didn't seem very clear to me.

In the end, a story should have a beginning, middle and end, but this only had a really long middle.

And from the title, I too felt as if there would be a "were-beastie". By not having one in the story, I feel like my expectations were set for me but not delivered upon.

This could be re-titled “Quentin Tarantino’s Jaws.” We were just missing Samuel L. Jackson as one of the four people. I didn’t picture him as “the American.”

I’m assuming the facts about the Thames is true. I bought it, anyway.

Good execution of an idea that stayed in the confines of the rule- it felt like you could only fit four people in that boat, then you add the shark.

I’m kind of mixed on this one. I liked what was happening here- some arrogant toughs oblivious to their own peril. But I was looking for a reason to like someone in this other than the shark.

American shark

Now that's a disclaimer - misdirection?

American writer me thinks
Lots of detail,on the suits which I'm not sure translates to the screen
Now I'm thinking Brit writer - confused )
As the dialogue goes along I think one less member - character - would have helped the flow
Does seem to go on a bit without mush driving the story forward

I know these scenes do appear but it does make you wonder why they let him live and row, rather than have shot him. The more the scene goes on the more this is apparent.

Swimming motion with his hand - funny

For a shark script actually not too bad on the budget, although I'm sure Ray will disagree.

I like the idea, a small boat, something to be done, a shark gets in the way. Alas too many characters IMO, and whilst it's nice to have a novel location, I didn't feel that worked too well.

But the concept has potential

Cheers

I liked American vs. British banter.

It's light on the story for me but I take it - it's a slasher. Stevie survives - good for him. Don't know much about slashers but know they are full of action. Yours is a lot of action. A lot of banter though as well - and you could cut quite a few of their lines as they were kind of to-and-fro but not adding texture or benefitting the story in any way. My guess is - you were shooting for page count here and that's why the abundance of dialog.

Maybe you could add to characters. Right now I have no idea why you need 4. Two will do. But I couldn't tell these apart - I guess that's what makes slashers better - characters.

Opening line is very awkward, and as I have a feeling I’ll be saying a lot, that’s just not the way you want to start your script. You also haven’t properly intro’d your characters.

Your lines are so awkward with the dashes.  I’m already thinking about baling.

Page 4 – the dialogue isn’t working for me at all, and I feel like I’ve seen this movie many times before.

Page 6 and the dialogue is getting worse.  How many times are these idiots going to use each other’s names in normal speech?  It’s also so cliché and downright goofy, like it’s a joke or something – definitely doesn’t feel remotely real, sorry to say.

The 3 line passage at the bottom of Page 6 is very awkward and poorly written.

Page 10 – “Panicked, George flails for purchase in thin air as he
falls.” – Huh?  There are so many crazily awkward lines on display here, I'm wondereing if this is supposed to be a pisser.

The end?  Really?  No end, actually. Did you run out of time?

Listen, this is very poorly written, sorry to say.  It’s very awkwardly written, also.  The story is paper thin at best, very clichéd and predictable, at worse.  You did have 1 decent character in George, and you killed him off for some reason, leaving only cliché goons.

Congrats on entering.

Works well on budget - I think this could be produced fairly easily, but it's not going to be a zero job.

Felt like a rough draft, that with some work could work well - lots of potential for characters working well in there - I was a little inbetween on if there was one too many character too.

I think you could have hinted a bit more about the back-story, why they were there etc, and what the stakes were. And the end... yeah, I think maybe something more needs to happen there.

Lots of potential though; it's tricky finding a different angle with this kind of thing.

I must admit I am a bit sick of London gangsters versus everything. It's saturating the British market. But this met the criteria of the challenge on all counts so well done for that.

The story didn't grip me and I didn't care for the characters, found myself skimming the last 6 pages but it was easy to read.  

George had the potential to be really interesting so if you do another draft I'd focus on fleshing him out more. I wasn't bothered by the profanity, such language is used in all the UK mob films like Cocnkey's Versus Zombies.

Congratulations on entering the OWC

Given the -ing verbs and -ly adverbs, I'm assuming the writer is fairly new. Psycho Dave? Eh....

Had a difficult time finishing this. Not much happens until the very end. And the dialogue was just...conventional. I love c unts as much as the next guy, but make em count!

Sorry, going to go with a D+ on this one. But with some edits, I'm sure you can make the story as awesome as the title.

what needs work:

- why does George stop rowing?
- George reaches into Dave's jacket while Dave is in the water(and hostile to George) and George is in the boat...that's not easy, probably not possible.
- Dave's body parts float to the surface? Did the shark spit them up? How do they see these...it was described as being very dark?
- why do they have a gun on George? Why is a shark attacking them in an unlikely place, and yet George seems unsurprised...predicted it even? Why does George know so much about sharks?
- most of the story conveys the Brits as comically stupid, and the American as wily and in control, despite their having a gun. Yet in the end he gets so easily pulled in the water by a guy he knows wants to kill him. Weird wild stuff.
- the writer seems to want to go comedy, probably has a good voice for comedy...but doesn't make the full leap here to comedy. So I would suggest looking for ways to ramp up the humor.

3. American Shark in London - A great white interrupts a gangland execution.
Brief - Attrition story of four blokes in a boat on the Thames.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
George, Stevie, Dave, Bear
Scenes to Build  - 2.5
Thames river w boat, river + boat
Accessory Visual - 8
Oar, cigarette + lighter + smoke, rainy splash, water seep, dorsal fin, dave parts, vomit
Accessory Audio - 10
Rushing river, oar rowing/splashing, large splash, rainy splash, boat hit, water seep, wood splintering boat hit, plop!, wretching

Genre & Marketability - Thriller/horror
Script format - Good
Comments  -  Although the ending is abrupt this is a nice story. VERY economical usage of largely a single setting! And FWIW, I really don’t give a sh!te about the C-word being in there or not, I think it’s used only two/three times. I don’t understand the fuss, myself. I’m good with the profanity.
Final word - Should be a good contender for consideration, especially with a proper ending.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 10.7          Screenplay Pages
= 107/161      Total Build Hours Time Cost

Interesting concept with the gangsters in a boat but the end fell flat for me. It's possible you were rushed to get this in before the deadline. Understanding if that we're the case. The writing flowed nicely which made it a fast read and the twist at the end with George dying made it interesting but then Stevie and Bear get away with the shark chasing after them felt a bit off. Who were these guys? We're all four men gangsters and George double crossed them? It's little information like that, that helps us relate to characters and root for them. Saying that I did like the plot and direction you took it in but it needs a bit of a rewrite to flesh out the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

'American Shark in London' writer,

You've got a good story here.

From this OWC this submission is closest to being off-the-shelf ready to go into production.
It's technical demands to execute are easy.

I don't feel that as is this is a block-buster, stand out, OTT, mind blowing story; but it is fundamentally sound, clever, and robust in principle.
There's a lot of good potential from this simple scenario.

Honestly, I'd like to enhance the situation's comedy, really pump up the absurdist humor to Monty Python-esque levels, and make a good show.

If you're pretty sure you've got nothing better to do with this story I'd like to get in touch with you to discuss what my animation technical limitations are and how you could consider tailoring a variant of this story to accommodate those limitations for production into an animated short for festival submission, ideally for the 2015 circuit.

If you feel it's appropriate to hold onto this for a while, shop it around to more credentialed entities, then by all means gopherit!

Just know that this open offer is here, now and for down the road.


Sincerely,
Ray



Oh, yeah: For the writer's poll this entry got one of my two recommends.

Wow and wow.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Wow and wow.

I notice you keep sniping at me like a little biatch, kevin. I write things with production in mind. The chance of a shark short ever getting produced is extremely minimal.

My story is actually quite clever from a production perspective... something I'm sure you have very little actual experience of, hence the undercurrent of bitterness that pervades many of your posts here.

It's clever because it is filmed in the dark, in one location and no actual shark need ever be seen. I believe there were only a few scripts here that could be deemed anywhere near the true spirit of Jaws. This was one of them.

I wrote this in a single sitting as I'm actually working on a feature for a very famous martial artist, actor and fight choreographer who will also be starring in a short film I've written that is in development. I'm also working on another short that we're producing in just a couple of months, and auditions will be held 3rd May, with 35 applicants for 4 parts. As well as my normal job, setting up the production of two short films, writing a feature and taking care of my family... I went out of my way to write a short for this challenge. Admittedly I should have redrafted it, there was lots I wanted to do with this story, but after writing it I had so much on with other stuff I simply forgot about it for a few days and then submitted it before it got too late to enter. So yeah, I know there is work to do on it. But I write things to show production potential... that's all I've learned that I have to do. I don't have to polish anything. Polishing comes later. So long as you can show production potential and global marketability with your story, competent dialogue and action lines, then that's all you need.

I've achieved a lot the past 21 months... and I'm just going to keep rising. What a bitter little prick like you thinks doesn't bother me at all.

My review took place when I had no idea who wrote the piece. I almost didn't post anything because it was the only story I could not find one positive thing to say. I tried, too.

I have never sniped at you. I never even notice your existence until you bring yourself to my attention with your sixth grade little remarks.

But to be fair, based on your remarks about yourself, I actually did assume you had some talent. Occasionally your remarks are clever. You at least sounded like you had some potential.

But if you are serious about your work, you might consider pulling this before anyone else reads it and forms any opinion of your work based on it.

While you are certainly not a friend, that is my honest friendly advice.

Not to pile on, but Kevin is completely correct here, Dustin.  This is very, very poorly written and I honestly wondered if it was a poorly done pisser.

I'd quickly pull this one...or maybe say it was a really poorly written pisser after all?

Quoted from KevinLenihan My review took place when I had no idea who wrote the piece. I almost didn't post anything because it was the only story I could not find one positive thing to say. I tried, too. I have never sniped at you. I never even notice your existence until you bring yourself to my attention with your sixth grade little remarks. But to be fair, based on your remarks about yourself, I actually did assume you had some talent. Occasionally your remarks are clever. You at least sounded like you had some potential. But if you are serious about your work, you might consider pulling this before anyone else reads it and forms any opinion of your work based on it. While you are certainly not a friend, that is my honest friendly advice.

I couldn't give a flying ... what anyone thinks. Anyone that feels negatively about what I've said, I'd rather not work with anyway.

Your comment... wow and wow... was clearly a bitchy snipe. Just like the remark in the other thread about there being only one story you couldn't find anything positive to say on.

You're clearly looking for a fight from the safety of your PC. Maybe you need to masturbate... that should help relieve some frustrations. Or pay for it... if you can afford it. Treat yourself.

What you assumed, isn't of any concern to me. Who are you? What have you done? Aside from learn how to spout shite on an internet forum...

Why would I listen to you? What experience do you have in all the time you've been doing this? Indeed, aren't you moving into ebook publishing now? The modern version of vanity publishing. Maybe you could write an ebook on how to spout shite on an internet forum with authority.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not to pile on, but Kevin is completely correct here, Dustin.  This is very, very poorly written and I honestly wondered if it was a poorly done pisser. I'd quickly pull this one...or maybe say it was a really poorly written pisser after all?

Same question to you... what makes you an authority on this aside from the fact that you've been here for ten years or so and still not actually succeeded with your methods?

I wouldn't pull it.

It's completely doable.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Same question to you... what makes you an authority on this aside from the fact that you've been here for ten years or so and still not actually succeeded with your methods?

It doesn't take an authority to see an extremely poorly written script, bro.  Really?

It honestly reads like you had a tweezers in 1 hand with your dick in it and your other hand was flailing away at the keyboard.  Some of the most awkwardly worded "sentences" I've ever come across.

Very poor...

Just because it's filmable...Jesus, knee surgery is filmable...but good luck.

Quoted from Dreamscale It doesn't take an authority to see an extremely poorly written script, bro.  Really? It honestly reads like you had a tweezers in 1 hand with your dick in it and your other hand was flailing away at the keyboard.  Some of the most awkwardly worded "sentences" I've ever come across. Very poor...

A few awkwardly worded action lines doesn't mean anything. It's not a grammar competition... we're selling an idea.. a concept... no matter if that's a logline, synopsis, treatment or an entire script. All of them can be worked on and fleshed out later.

You wouldn't understand that though... got no experience of it... I find that shocking from someone that lays claim to know it all yet has bugger all to show for it after a decade.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Just because it's filmable...

That's the whole idea. Write novels if you want to sell in depth stories. Short screenplays are to the point, and at this level with a shark, I reasoned one would have to make it very cheap. One location, in the dark, Noshar Kneeded.

The only thing that bugged me is the boat and actors in the water... it's no way doable anyway. Just isn't on a short on a budget. Not many actors would get into the water... unless we could hire a swimming pool at night maybe with a green screen... actors would be free but the hire of the pool at night may be a problem... they probably wouldn't have insurance cover to open at night.

That's why I gave up on it a little. I actually wrote this with a mind to producing it myself but it's too much hassle I think.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It's not a grammar competition... we're selling an idea.. a concept... no matter if that's a logline, synopsis, treatment or an entire script.

Thank God, it's not a grammar competition, because you'd be out before it even begun.

Dustin, in all seriousness, your idea and concept here is piss poor, cliche as all Hell, and so poorly done.

Drop your tweezers and at least use 2 hands when mashing this shite out.  You get me?

I didn't say anything about the writing. I don't even remember it. It was every single aspect of the story that made not even a lick of sense.

We have no idea why these gangsters are in a boat...why the American is so cocky, except because the writer wants him to die at the end...why the American is so quick to think there are sharks in the Thames of all places...why the American just happens to be some kind of shark expert(or at least in the writer's eyes)...but even accepting all those strange things, none of the actions make any sense, not even in a comedy...and when the American reaches in the jacket of one of his enemies in the water...have you ever been in a boat? Good  Lord

These were my original notes. Had no idea the writer. Tried to find ways to soften the words when I posted.

what I like
can’t find anything

what needs work
- why does George stop rowing?
- George reaches into Dave’s jacket while he’s in the water?
- how do we know something grabbed Dave’s leg? maybe just say he’s dragged below.
- Dave’s body parts float to the surface? Did the shark spit them up? they tend to swallow pretty much everything. Not sure what they would see since it’s described as quite dark
- I don’t mean to be mean, but what is the point of this story? We don’t know why they have a gun on George, we don’t know why the shark is attacking them...I mean Moby Dick battles Ahab because it’s personal...even it Jaws 4, the silly one with Michael Caine, it was personal. This shark has no reason. The characters just act weird. George stops rowing for no reason. Knows sharks, or at least in the writer’s imagining of things he does anyway, but we don’t know why he knows sharks; the Brits are comically stupid, but comedy doesn’t seem to be the goal; and then George, who seems to be on top of everything, gets easily pulled out of the boat from a guy in the water who he knows wants to kill him. Weird stuff. The writer seems to want to go comedy here, but is hesitating to. Go with it! That seems to be more the writer’s natural voice, shoot for comedy with your story.

Quoted from KevinLenihan I didn't say anything about the writing. I don't even remember it. It was every single aspect of the story that made not even a lick of sense. We have no idea why these gangsters are in a boat...why the American is so cocky, except because the writer wants him to die at the end...why the American is so quick to think there are sharks in the Thames of all places...why the American just happens to be some kind of shark expert(or at least in the writer's eyes)...but even accepting all those strange things, none of the actions make any sense, not even in a comedy...and when the American reaches in the jacket of one of his enemies in the water...have you ever been in a boat? Good  Lord

I didn't say that you did say anything about the writing. I'm asking you about your story-telling credibility. You keep avoiding the question. If you know so much about what makes a great script, from a producible perspective, then why haven't you got anything to show for it and indeed are considering giving up?

I would answer the rest of your questions, but many of them are answered in the script.

I have been in several boats. The boat in this one is small, barely large enough to hold the four of them. Have you ever been in a small boat?

Those 4 guys in a small boat at night...then a shark? Perfect atmosphere for tension and horror. IMO their motives need to be clearer, action and tension enhanced and the dialog needs a fix. This is one of only a few I could actually see being filmed.Congrats.

Hi Dustin,

After reading your work and being from across the pond I would have to say this is accurate, down to the cliche cockney geezers and down to the loud mouth Americans, which I must safely say 99% of the British public think. (Just for the record I'm not part of that 99%)

The over use of cursing and of the word c**t is real, those who have criticised you, have you ever been to London? I mean the real London not bloody Leicester square.

We could all argue the fact that it is a ridiculous idea that there is in fact a great white shark in the themes but that been said there have been several sighting of the fish on our coast. There is a species of shark which is called a 'Bull shark' which are well known for their ability to survive in fresh water as well as salt and are commonly sighted in estuaries.  

There has been many ridiculous films out there which I am sure we can all agree on so why slate the story. Like dustin has said it's an idea, if you can visualise what is on the page and see the concept then surely as a writer he has done his job.  

Lee

I read this just because it appeared at the top of the board.

Thought the first 8 pages were very strong.

The tone was perfect...great cross of tension with the comedic, but in-keeping (for want of a better expression) dialogue.

Last four flagged bit. It didn't seem to know where to go.

It's definitely got potential though. Maybe it's a cultural thing that a lot didn't get the tone.

Don't know what to suggest in terms of improvements, but maybe knowing why they were there (ie what George had done to piss them off) and then having that pay off in some way at the end, would stiffen it up a bit.