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Have to agree with others. Before it really got started it was over in a flash. I liked the direction you took us in, setting up four characters alone on a boat. Nicely done. The banter going on between the four would have worked better, IMO, if they had boarded the boat earlier and made their way out to sea or possibly just cut some of it out entirely. Took a bit long for the setup in the marina but when Dr. T died then that's when the story took off. Each character stood on their own and the dialogue for me was playful, fun. Ann and Dan mimicking someone in labor would be funny to see on film. Solid job overall.
I love the title and the logline(even though I wish it was a tad more simple). The characters in this were likable. I think you may have gone on a little too long though at the beginning.
I really liked when the tension picked up from page 7 on. I laughed at the decapitation. And the descriptions. I have to wonder if maybe this was a try at a piss-take or something. Overall, it was an entertaining read and a fresh take...so congrats on that!
9. Immersion Therapy - Dr. T's training is put to the test on the final day of aquaphobia desensitization class when his group therapy patients finds their phobia compounded by an immanent and genuine water hazard. Brief - Dr. and patients are eaten and terrorized in a bay
Characters to Animate/Voice - 4 Ted, Dan, Pete, Ann Scenes to Build - 5 Marina parking lot, gangplank, dock, marina bay, open bay Accessory Visual - 18 Cooler, boat x4, wake, small fish, large fish, shark shadow, shark x2, sunglasses, motor housing, car keys, life vests, blood spray, puke Accessory Audio - 20 Seagulls, gangplank board walk, waves on shore, running motor, motor cut off, motor start, scoop, water lapping, little splash, bump, crack, big splash, motor housing removal, key jingle, decapitation, blood spray, puke, plop, dog paddle
Genre & Marketability - Horror comedy Script format - Fair Comments - Slow beginning, ditch the whole Ian bit. Needs more shark + more blood + more OTT kills, develop characters better. Final word - Pass. Amusing, but needs work.
10/15 Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute x 9.2 Screenplay Pages = 92/138 Total Build Hours Time Cost
Another solid entry into the OWC. Good story, good characters, funny-ass dialogue and actions for the most part, had me going all "who-who-hee-hee" thinking "nothing bad is gonna happen", then something bad did happen and things went haywire.
I think Ian got out lucky, who's Ian? Well, he's the guy clever enough to stay at home.
For the most part this felt more like a comedy, then crap hit the fan and things went south (for the characters). This was an enjoyable one with some memorable moments.
Though...one must admit that death was a bit OTT. I imagined what the writer went for, but it does seem a little OTT.
Short - 8.5/10 (nice story, developed characters, side plot with the therapy arc, solid) Shark - 8.5/10 (takes a while to arrive, but when it does CHAOS comes with it)
My biggest pro's here: I like the title and I like the last image- Dan swimming with the help of the cooler.
On first page I can see how you created a scenario only to call out all their names.
Furthermore I have to say you made a small fault: When Ann finally heard the guys calling out after her, there must be a distance between them. If you don't cut this scene, Ann has to run 10 seconds or more in their direction. That's not good.
"Let’s go. And not a word to that asshole Ian."
Mr. T breaks character here.
I think the theme "water phobia" is good, but the balance is missing. They motivate their own therapist to make that trip in the end? The interactions and dialogue on the boat are too comical. It's contradictory to the theme neurosis/fear.
I think if you would cut this whole Ian discussion, and start right on the boat, bring more seriousness in the play and the character's phobia, then I would possibly enjoy your script a lot more. Could have been a crazy serious horror script where the last surviving phobia patient drifts with the help of a cooler back to the beach.
Nevertheless, the phobia/therapy theme makes it solid. For me, with the comedy aspects, you went the wrong track.
I actually liked this one. It does need a polish (hey, it's an OWC), but it's got several very good lines. For instance: "Ian’s an asshole", "Ann, you're not delivering a baby", and "Now I have another phobia."
My only qualm: the ending just didn't pull the final threads together. What happened to the shark? We need more oommph for the end. Have Dan kill the shark, perhaps? Or not... but something to finish with a BANG!
I'm with wonkavite. This is far from perfect, but a very solid entry.
I too enjoyed a lot of the dialogue, but I feel like the beginning drags on a little longer than it should. I honestly would start the script with the group boarding the boat and remove the first two pages of chit-chat.
I also agree with wonkavite that the ending didn't really finish the script. It needs to end with a bang. This isn't a two-hour character journey. It's ten pages. Kill 'em all.
Not sure how I missed this script, thought I had commented on it previously... hmm? I better go back and see what else I missed. Anyways, this was clever, well written, and very funny at times;
"ANN, 30s, a buxom butterface"
LMAO! I haven't heard that in awhile. Reminded me of that scene in 'Scary Movie 2' when 'Shorty' was banging some poltergeist with a bag over its head under the Hell House.
Anyways, I gave it a read all the way through, however, as well written as it was,it somewhat put me in mind of something unnecessary like a 'Rube Goldberg Machine'; doing something in an inefficient and complicated manner. That is, having people face their fear of water by taking them out on a huge open body of water... why not just a pool? Mind you, you did mention the trio being involved in 'Class Time' and a trip to the beach, but there was no indication of actually being immersed into water previous to their outing on the Bay, and I guess there's no shark in a pool to build a story based on that premise.
Still, wouldn't it be like handing someone the New York Times Crossword Puzzle to help them out in their quest to cure their phobia of big words? Like ripping off a Band-Aid I would presume. Obviously I'm shooting off on a bizarre tangent here, and I tend to do that when I read certain scripts. If you think about it though, it is similar to Rube Goldberg Machine. There's the build up of something about to happen, then the action continuing right through with the (machine's) journey, then a simple action that catches you out in the end, leaving you wondering what just happened... oh, I see what you did there, clever.
LOL, outside of my illogical description, I'll tell you that I liked it for what it was, and I think the script is really good based on the challenge put out for this OWC.
This could work as an entertaining film, I like the ending very much but think the beginning pages could be developed a bit. I'd like to see this re-worked outside the OWC limits.
I liked the writing of this for the most part. I'll go on a limb and say it's done by one of the seasoined SS'rs. It's one of the best so far. I'll remember it in voting later in the week.
The final test for a group of people to get over their water fears but the execution is poor. It could have been more.
I agree. I gotta lop off that set up and expand the "meat" of the misadventure. And I need to give each characters more distinctive personalities, too.
The characters are what makes this work, and the choices in kill order were the right calls... What I though was amazing is how you raised the stakes to kill off Dr. T first, leaving the rest in danger. Textbook. What followed was some good, pay-off kills that had me laughing. Nice work.
Thank you. It is indeed textbook: Put your characters in a tenuous scenario, cut off their lifeline, watch them rise to the occasion or devolve into selfish savagery.
Pg. 1 - "tip-toe looks to the right, then to the left." -- HUH? Do you mean she stands on the tip of her toes and looks? I guess that's what you mean. Strange wording that halted my reading.
Yes. Again, I know you guys here write almost exclusively for readers and competitions, just trust me when I say a producer will have no problem solving these kinds of problems, legit as they are in different arenas.
I'm almost never confused about anything anyone writes here.
Quoted Text
Okay, this is obviously a comedy. DJS was pretty specific about no comedies for this OWC.
Congrats on completing something though.
Thank you, Marnie! I'm delighted that you read this as a comedy, gruesome as it is. Really, I am.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Written well for the most part... quite a good story. Over all, not a bad effort, well done.
This more funny-strange than funny ha-ha but I was actually cracking up throughout this. Agreeing with some others, the characters were a bit dizzying at first but I thought that worked itself out.
Thank you, Ed. Glad you liked the humor, as well. Yeah, I understand that reading names of the character speaking followed by the names of the other characters they're speaking to is dizzying, but there's no other way to include them at the beginning of the story, otherwise they're all just "CHARACTER 1" and "CHARACTER 2". Maybe I've watched a few too many Saturday Night Live skits.
The concept was good but maybe the writer lost control and decided to make it a wanna be comedy? I dunno...
I will give it a 5 and that's being generous lol
No way, Dude. Nadda pisser. This was a from-the-get-go planned high stress (small) horror comedy much like an Edgar Wright/Guy Ritchie sorta film. And I'll gladly take that generous 5, thank you very much. LOL!
Another one where four characters are introduced in the first two paragraphs. Not a fan but at least the other scripts tried to differentiate the names so they were easier to remember... Here we have three characters with three letter names and another one with four, you can raise certain expectations for the reader but remember, we're looking for any reason to quit.
Not sure if I should smite you down on using Ian, technically, that's more than 5 characters.
You are spot-on correct. A legit grievance. Names are largely irrelevant TO ME, so I tend to use simple one syllable names, often having something to do with the character's character.
Ted the Therapist
Anxiety Ann
Depressed Dan
PTSD Pete
Ichthyophobe Ian
Cute and all, but what I need to do, respecting the aforementioned and often cited grievance, is to go back and make the names more distinct from one another.
And Ian isn't an on screen character to be cast, costumed, directed, or even to record a voice over for. So, it's all good.
Bit clunky on the logline and concept but still has potential... Seems slow into the story, all the Ian stuff
Yeah, that logline is clunky. Gotta work on my approach to those. Yeah, that whole first act of just getting to the boat is killing this. Yep, gotta ditch the whole Ian bit, maybe have the hold up be Ann, not Ian. Would save on scenes, too.
However, thankfully, once on board and on the water, the patients do exhibit neurosis. Maybe one of them should be afraid of sharks. Go along with our expectations.
Exactly, on the neurosis part. I wanted them to behave fine in a comfortable environment, but really having a hard time holding their sh!t together when surrounded by what they fear - which was the focus of this specific event, the day trip in the bay.
What I didn't want to do was to open a whole can of spring snakes of everyone's multitude of concurrent phobias, which I felt would distract from the primary task at hand.
Thus Ted/Dr T's statement: "Dan, let's focus on one phobia at a time, please. The motor is fine."
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Consider punching up the ending. It seems like you wanted to end on a laugh. Guy swims away on cooler. What about a fin pops up at the end. Chasing far behind.
Agreed. The ending definitely needs work. What I want to do is re-work this so that all the things that Dr T has been telling his students and Dan in particular has been rebuking all along end up finally benefiting Dan during his successful escape from being immersed in shark infested bay waters. I really want the message be "Do what's right or good and you'll benefit." So, no dark ending. Sorry.
Yeah - I felt like this was a seasoned writer too. Had me thinking non-American too be honest, just some of the turns of phrase etc.
Displayed a knowledge of boats/boating which I felt was down to more than just research.
Yep. Nope, all-American, but international at heart. Six years as a USNavy Corpsman for the Marine Corps, lifelong appreciation of boating and the ocean.
Quoted from Dreamscale
It's funny at times for sure, but not completely pisser funny, IMO, but then again, what I find funny doesn't seem to be what most find funny, which reminds me of a funny story, but then again, it may not be that funny to everyone else, so maybe I shouldn't even tell it.
LOL! Nah, Jeff. Please. By all means. Go ahead and tell us the funny story - in non-pisser form, of course.
Took a bit long for the setup in the marina but when Dr. T died then that's when the story took off. Each character stood on their own and the dialogue for me was playful, fun. Ann and Dan mimicking someone in labor would be funny to see on film. Solid job overall.
Thanks, Dirk. Again, spot-on good calls. This act I is monster handicapping the story more so than the abrupt ending. Acknowledged fails on both. Glad you like the imagery.
I really liked when the tension picked up from page 7 on. I laughed at the decapitation. And the descriptions. I have to wonder if maybe this was a try at a piss-take or something. Overall, it was an entertaining read and a fresh take...so congrats on that!
Thank you, Poe. YAY! for the LOL!
Nah, this wasn't a pisstake, and I'm kinda befuddled why several readers here are muddling between "what's a pisstake vs. comedy?"
To me a pisstake is an outright disrespect for the honest work readers are putting in towards a legit challenge = rude. Whereas a comedy is something... a wee better than just puerile stupidity.
I meant zero disrespect to others here.
I meant to provide a story that would be fun to sit at your computer and watch unfold: poor unfortunate people making earnest attempt to overcome their fears become immersed in their very fear well beyond a therapeutic range - but in an amusing way. Which, mostly, I did.
Good story, good characters, funny-ass dialogue and actions for the most part, had me going all "who-who-hee-hee" thinking "nothing bad is gonna happen", then something bad did happen and things went haywire... This was an enjoyable one with some memorable moments.
Short - 8.5/10, Shark - 8.5/10
SCORE! Thanks, Lee. I'll gladly take that deuce 8.5!
Well... exactly! It is a break. Sometimes professionals make a judgement call, put textbook practice aside, and just try to make the best of a buggered situation.
What would Kelsey Grammar/Frasier Crane do? Imagine if Ted were played by Jack Nicholson? Someone just... trying to get through the d@mn day without one more f#ckup so that he can get on with the rest of his own day. Ted/Dr T is not a saint or a martyr. He's a man, and men make mistakes. Sometimes we don't live to regret them.
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Nevertheless, the phobia/therapy theme makes it solid. For me, with the comedy aspects, you went the wrong track.
Sorry. I see that I totally zigged when you wanted to zag. Happens.
Quoted from wonkavite
I actually liked this one.
My only qualm: the ending just didn't pull the final threads together. What happened to the shark? We need more oommph for the end. Have Dan kill the shark, perhaps? Or not... but something to finish with a BANG!
Yay! Thank you, Janet. Yeah, that end is just... half-@ssed. I wanna go back and re-write this having Pete apply - and benefit from - all of Ted's teachings that Pete's been so resistant to throughout the story. The teacher died, but his worst student survives because of what the teacher taught him. I like irony. In spades.
I honestly would start the script with the group boarding the boat and remove the first two pages of chit-chat.
[The ending] needs to end with a bang. This isn't a two-hour character journey. It's ten pages. Kill 'em all.
Thank you, Chris. Glad you liked the dialog. That's always been my strong suit and almost a calling card. Beginning drag = Yep. Lame ending = Yep. You guys are very consistently all over the weak spots of this submission.
If anything, all of you that nailed the same things should be affirmed that you know WTH you're doing.
THAT and a buck thirty-five will get you a coke outta the machine. Ha!
Obviously I'm shooting off on a bizarre tangent here, and I tend to do that when I read certain scripts. If you think about it though, it is similar to Rube Goldberg Machine. There's the build up of something about to happen, then the action continuing right through with the (machine's) journey, then a simple action that catches you out in the end, leaving you wondering what just happened... oh, I see what you did there, clever.
Your consideration beyond the glib is appreciated more than I can convey.
Yes. They had classroom group discussion, they probably did some classroom group exercises, there is a mention of a previous group trip to the shore, and now they've graduated up to being in a boat surrounded by what they fear. These are kinda sorta the gradual progression of steps of how desensitization therapy goes.
And of course, the greatest irony is now that Dr T/Ted has built this entirely new healthy architecture for his students to work with - it gets totally destroyed by an unforeseen and irrational event: rogue shark attack in a bay. Pfft! Who woulda thunk that woulda happened?! Now, all of their fears are solidly confirmed. At least... anyone who survives. Ha!
This could work as an entertaining film, I like the ending very much but think the beginning pages could be developed a bit. I'd like to see this re-worked outside the OWC limits.
Hey, Catherine! Long time, no blab. Hope you're well.
Well, strangely enough, I wrote this specifically to "up my own game" in animation. Gimme a few months and you guys can see what happens from script to screen, good or bad.
I have to say I'm amazed at how often I see errors in the comments on scripts (not just this one). Reviewers take writers to task for sloppiness but are sloppy themselves!
There are some on here who assume if they aren't familiar with a word then it doesn't actually exist and the writer should change said word to one they are familiar with. I dread to think what happens in their house when a fuse blows.
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Immersion Therapy - OWC
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It does need a polish (hey, it's an OWC), but it's got several very good lines. For instance: "Ian’s an asshole", "Ann, you're not delivering a baby", and "Now I have another phobia."
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