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A couple things. When I think of coral reefs I think of tropical oceans and warm water. I', not an expert but I don't know if killer whales live in that environment. This would be more of an arctic setting I would think. The corral reef is just about the only description of setting in the script though. This movie gave me a big Finding Nemo vibe. That film was full of color and varied setting for being underwater.
Also the dialogue is too spot on and too long. Except for the fight at the end and the seaweed trip at the beginning most of the film is just talk. For example a lot of time is spent talking about Walt being cowardly but not nearly as much is shown him being one. In the opening scene I would have it look like he was hunting a fish and at the last minute turn to actually grab the seaweed. It develops character right away. More of this is needed.
Walt has little reason to trust Jaws when they meet and Jaws has little reason to help Walt. They just run into each other and off they go as pals though we know there is distrust between them. Maybe Jaws shames Walt into coming along, peer pressure? Or the swimmer just happens to appear on the spot so Walt has no chance to leave?
I did like the line about Jaws having a history of being a hunter. I don't understand the three eyes bit while hunting though.
The last thing, which I'm sure you noticed is an issue, its hard to show your characters killing/eating other animals in an animated "kids" cartoon. Nemo and even Shark's Tale (ugh) knew this because the some of the sharks in there are like Walt, vegetarians, because they can't bring themselves to kill. To avoid being unoriginal, perhaps Walt is more of a scavenger? He brings home leftovers instead.
It’s a good idea it just needs more work to bring the shine out.
Another kid-friendly entry here. This worked well for what it set out to do, but it could use some smoothing over.
Considering the target audience, it may seem pedantic to point out that Killer Whales don’t live in caves, but these sorts of stories always come across better when you play off reality.
I’d rework the way Walt and Jaws meet. Maybe have Walt approach Jaws rather than the other way around. Walt is the one who needs what Jaws has (knowledge of hunting).
Pg. 8 Cut out the swearing. I can already see the parents cringing. And the next two weeks spent with their kid running around the kitchen table, holding a toy orca, and screaming, “This way asshole! This way asshole!”
The writing was decent throughout, but the action of the final fight was a little confusing (and maybe rushed).
My biggest problem with this, is nothing’s really resolved by the end. Walt’s family was going to starve on seaweed. He went and p***ed off a Great White shark, but never found any new source of food. Actually they’re in worse straits because that shark still knows where they live. So that’s the first place I’d start, figure out a real solution to Walt’s problem.
A noteworthy difference between the other entries so far, but a lot wrong with it too. Barebones, it's got a promising premise, and an entirely fresh take on Jaws. But that's about it.
The poor dialogue stands out, littered with short question and reponses. Jaws, Walt, and Maddie all used "ain't" in their dialogue. There's nothing wrong the word, just every character speaking it. It blends the speech together, and you don't want that effect.
Also, stuttering was incorrect. When doing them, use the first letter or "sounding combo" next to the word itself:
Kn-know. The "k" in "know" naturally produces an "n" sound, so "kn" should be included.
More examples would be, J-Jaws or h-he.
As is, I see a theme with no conclusion. Needs a rewrite.
I think this is supposed to be funny, but the problem is that it’s really not. This is well trodden territory you’re swimming in and it’s tough to write animated comedy, because the originals are so well known and well done.
4 pages in and it’s basically all dialogue and it’s not very well done. I’m getting very bored.
Way too many characters already – yes, in theory, you haven’t broken any rules, cuz they’re not human, but since they talk, they have to be looked at as human, IMO.
This is OK and I do appreciate that you tried something different…but it’s not really different and it’s dull.
Well, this was cute. Problem is, as far as this challenge goes, you have 5 characters. Walt, Maddie, Scrub, Hearty, Jaws. Too bad cus you didn't even need Hearty.
While some truth about Killer Whales may be overlooked here due to animated purposes, and I'm not against cartoon charaters considering to make meals out of others (Ice Age, WB's Wile E. Coyote trying to catch and eat Road Runner and also WB Sylvester vs. Tweety) none of them or the intended victims resort to profanity. But there's a bigger issue involved. And that's story.
When we first meet Jaws, there is a sense that Walt was being bullied when he was young (presumably by Jaws) then Jaws teaches him to hunt wanting him to attack a human. Walt says no. An image of peer pressure and doing the right thing. However, all this reveals to be a ruse so Jaws can go and eat Scrub and the other kids.
So the life lesson here is what? Don't mess with the family and protecting your own? Let's all be vegans?
Two themes that kids can relate to on some level were introduced and laid aside. A lot to digest here and little focus.
Second animation, I think? A simple story. Four characters and the shark, so not sure on where that stands.
Tricky balance with animation, making it interesting enough for adults and engaging enough for kids. Agree with the a$$hole bit better being taken out.
I didn't have any problems with the dialogue, pretty natural overall, but everyone's allowed their own take on things like this.
Overall? An easy read, that has turns more than twists, and could easily work with a bit of a re-vamp.
I'm going to echo what Darren said regarding the bullying. At first you have the shark coming up and Hola said he's out teaching another, but which wasn't very convincing either.
You could probably shave about three pages off of the back and forth dialogue and really doesn't pertain to this story.
It is a story with potential but it really needs to be reworked.
This was a pretty good entry, and definitely a different take on the concept. Not much I can say about formatting and story premise that hasn't already been mentioned within some of the other posts. I love the animated movies nowadays, so I'm always playing out possibilities in my head for something new or original. So, although this has never been done (Whales, I think), it does seem kind of old cause of the Finding Nemo thing, and the fact the movie also had a nasty Shark in it.
I liked how you briefly painted a vivid picture of the underwater landscape, and it probably could have used another line or so to give the reader a better idea of the world the characters live in. Mind you, most people will say it's too much, and in a short, maybe... but meh. I remember watching Finding Nemo on the big screen, and I thought I was tripping out from all the lucid imagery, couldn't get enough.
An easy fix might be the cave setting. Maybe the Whale family could have sought out a really cool underwater city (Atlantis) to make their home? Just an afterthought. Best of luck, and congrats for getting a script in!
I thought the idea was good and this could be interesting. But there's a lot of dialogue and not much happening. If they were swimming along and on their way somewhere it might work better.
The messages within also seemed a little off. I'm all for those vegan types and all that. (Aren't they always so shy about sharing it with everyone?) but I can't see why you couldn't pick creatures who would suit your story better.
Alright, you could argue Babe the pig didn't exactly stick within the usual ungulate or porcine behavior. And you'd be right. But your story would be strengthened with some work on your plot and characters.
It was a nice idea. And title. Some of the titles so far chosen have been awful. This has some great ideas.
Well, they're sharks, but you've technically surpassed the 4 character limit because of the three calves. Not really sure about giving them an age either, it wouldn't really matter since they have a different life expectancy compared to humans.
And they're not rogue either, which was a major part of the criteria. Also, we can't forget the fact that adult sharks leave their children after they're born so they don't eat them. In fact, why aren't they eating them? They seem hungry so... I know it's an animation but it really is the smaller things.
Yeah, you went over the character count regardless of the calves. So far, that's two things you didn't attend to which is a huge problem in my books since almost every other writer followed them.
Suppose this was cute, a little too childish to appeal to adults. And a little too gruesome with some profanity being thrown around to appeal to children. Doesn't really work for me in that sense since it's useless as an animation. But it works in one sense since it has a rounded story with goals and arcs if you're into that thing. Sound job, nothing to hate, not a lot to like except the appearance of Mr. Jaws himself.
Attempting an animation mixing elements that will appeal to kids but with adult orientated action is brave. It’s not really been done right since Watership Down and that film completely freaks me out, so well done for trying this.
As it is the story starts off reminding me of Finding Nemo for whales and only later moves into adult territory with the fight and Walt biting out the eye of Jaws. The changes in tone and target audience are hard to take in, maybe if you start off right from the start establishing this as a more mature piece it would work better.
I don’t get the relationship between Jaws and Walt. I get you are implying bullying and vegetarianism V carnivores but I didn’t buy Jaws being pally one moment and trying to kill his kids the next nor did I understand what history they have together.
I do understand what you are trying to imply with the three eyes thing but it’s clumsy and you mention eye too many times.
There’s nothing here a re-write can’t fix and seeing an animation like this certainly would be different.
Well done and congratulations on entering this OWC.
Mark
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Wow. An animated script in the middle of the OWC....
I have to say, the variety on these scripts so far is a lot better than I feared. I was expecting a ton of Jaws clones, with swimmers and fisherman getting bitten in half, and not much else. Yet, there seem to be a lot of creative scripts in this one, not taking the obvious rampaging-shark route.
Not surprisingly, I found myself thinking of Finding Nemo the entire time I was reading this. Which isn't exactly fair, because this script was a touch darker than Nemo - dealing with an actual moral premise: must a peaceful (whale) shark kill to feed his family?
I don't have much to say about this one. The characters were cute, and I of course rooted for the good guys who won out in the end. The bad shark was satisfactorily evil, and the ending wrapped up nicely. No real surprises here, but a cute little story. And a nice change of pace.
Cool. A cartoon. I was kinda hoping it would be family friendly though.
First off, I like Walt. Just a lovable and instantly relatedable killer whale. Who'd of thought? Hehehe. You worked with stereotypical characters, but I think it works here. Especially when considering a family audience.
An important message here is telling kids why animals eat other animals, and to see it as nature. Not scary. I think you may have missed the mark there. The shark is scary. His line... I'll teach you... really creeped me out.
I also liked the message about imagination. It's cool when you refer to it as a 3rd eye. Normally I'd think of the spiritual reference. This way kids watching this cartoon might be more curious about their own imagination and the ability to envision possible future outcomes.
Some violence and coarse language harms the flow and content overall. I'd consider imagining this as family entertainment.
I like how you convey that Walt is no coward, he just doesn't attack the helpless. He fights when he needs to. Some badass dialogue during confrontation. I like the repeated message of 3 eyes.
This was light on strong imagery for me. I would consider some quiet moments with strong visuals. A good option would between scenes when jaws leves walt and goes to Walt's family. Maybe you could show Walt lamenting. Mad at himself. Searching for more seaweed. Maybe finding a struggling injured fish caught in a clam. He decides to not eat it, but help him. Then Walt feels down on himself during swim home.
Just some ideas to better convey the message. Let it breathe anbit more. And rely on some images vs dialogue.
Nice parable. Consider making more visual and kid friendly.
Wow. This reads like animation. I’m not sure I like the title much for this, but I do like the logline.
You did a decent job with your characters. I enjoyed Scrub the best although I think he could’ve been a little amped up. One problem I found with your characters was that they all sound the same. None of them had their own voice. Jaws was supposed to be big and bad(maybe a bully from fish childhood it seemed), yet his dialogue was similar sounding to Walt, who was somewhat an alternative to the circle of life. Walt was like a vegan in the fish world LOL That part is unique and I love anything original, but make sure to give each of your characters their own voice and make them more diverse.
I feel like this writer could’ve been rushed to finish or something. It’s a cute story, just not as well thought out as it could’ve been in my opinion. The writing is good. Decent job for a week’s work! I enjoyed reading it.
Animated script - nice to see a difference. Let's see...
Now I have repeated parts of my slugline, but to point out its a cave when it's in the slugline is not great.
Ok a reluctant killer whale, taught how to hunt by a shark, who then goes after his family and they get together to fight him off.
To me the conclusion of this would be the father realises what he needs to do best for his family and that feeding is a natural park of life, for a killer whale, like defending his family. As parents we have to do things we'd prefer not to.
The veggie option seems a tad too sharks tale for me.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Cool spin on Jaws' legend, writer. I liked it quite a bit.
Though, I suspect this is aimed at kids? Animation and what-not, or I could be wrong.
There's something rather comical about an INFANT WHALE calling a MANEATING GREAT WHITE an "asshole", lol. I couldn't help but laugh in that instance.
All in all this was a fun read. A nice break from the serious with a bit of the comic. Couldn't help but think I was imagining watching a Pixar movie for some reason, like Shark Tale or Finding Nemo.
Short: 8/10 (a kind little adventure with spark) Shark: 9/10 (you nailed what a shark is with Jaws IMO)
I think you should build up and draw a better world where those animals live in. There's so much dialogue which is only interrupted by a shark or whale grinning or doing other mimics. The visual appearance should be better. That's just my opinion how animation should work. When they speak, I only see them speaking while they swim in the middle of nowhere. I didn't saw a combination and balance between dialogue and what the characters are actually doing. I guess you just wanted to tell it dialogue-driven and that's not my taste...
8. Hunt - A killer whale faces adversity in more ways than one. Brief - Hell Disney: agro Nemo + killer whales + sharks mash up.
Characters to Animate/Voice - 5/4 Walt, Maddie, Scrub, Hearty, Jaws Scenes to Build - 5/4 Active coral reef, ocean cave, open ocean 3x, Accessory Visual - >7 Seaweed movement, three killer whale calves, Walt smile, tuna school, surface swimmer, boat shadow, Jaws grin, Accessory Audio - 4 underwater swish, snap, rushed bubbling, thump
Genre & Marketability - Fantasy Drama Script format - Fair Comments - I think I’ll ditch the coral reef build and just economize with open ocean 3x. Jaws makes this story’s fifth speaking part. Ditch the hearty character. If Jaws said “Don’t look like it” while Walt had seaweed in his mouth that would be better. Dialog’s pretty bad. Page 6’s slug “EXT. OCEAN - DAY” should be “LATER.” By page nine this is reading like a horrible Disney movie. By the end of page ten I’m pretty sure I’m not interested in producing this. But I am impressed the potential economy of sound usage, lotta re-use available. Final word - Pass. I don’t know who the market is for this “hell Disney” story.
10/15 Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute x 11.5 Screenplay Pages = 115/173 Total Build Hours Time Cost
Cute little story that gets bogged down a bit by the dialogue. I like the concept of a killer whale learning hunting tips from a great white shark only to use what he learned at the end against him. I feel you could eliminate Hearty's character altogether. He didn't really serve a purpose in the story. Focus on Walt and Scrub's relationship and Walt and Shark's hunting venture. The real meat of the plot. You've got a nice story, especially for one week, just needs a rewrite.
Just a quick thank-you for all the reads -- as some of you guessed, this was a first hack at an animation, so of course it went wanting - but thanks for the input nonetheless
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