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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  The Ordeal - OWC
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  Author    The Ordeal - OWC  (currently 4937 views)
Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Ordeal by Cheater Stenchly - Short, Shark - In a post-apocalyptic world, a sacrifice is called for so that others may live. Who will pay the price? - pdf, format


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NickSedario
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Masterfully written, depressing as hell.

Typo on page 8, buy should be by,  This has gotta be an R1 script.
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rendevous
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I like a fade in. But I'm old fashioned that way.

Certainly set the tone by the end of page one. Which is quite something.

Nothing to do with it story wise, but the feel and atmosphere of this reminded me of The Walking Dead, when they were on a high. And weren't being silly.

I'm not sure about the Earth Goddess business. Maybe this is realistic for the situation. Maybe that's what people might do. I'm somewhat of a tree hugger myself. But it kinda knocked the realism out of it for me.

Apart from that it was well written and structured. Overall - pretty good.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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A well told story... aside from that I'm not sure what to make of it. probably my favourite so far though. Hits all the parameters.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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cheater stenchly - where do folk get these names. i really must try harder for next time, give myself something grand!!

SPOILERS

volcanic sky - thats a first for me
not sure you need to repeat the burned sky
i think severed leg is fine for detail
metal clamp - I'm sure this is possible but it did slightly conflict with my idea of the time period

oh now you jump era's
fortress house - whats that

cooks a couple of cans of beans - cooks beans should be fine

nice concept. a shark infested bay. the use of it as a sacrifice, but just women. an old ritual site, re invented we assume for a post apocalyptic future.

story wise, i did find this a little hard going, but i appreciate that once down in the bay the action accelerated.

the actions of the boy were consistent but the father and preacher seemed to vary.

whilst the image of the two of them supporting each other at the end has a certain degree of conclusion, the preacher etc again seemed a little strange. after all he is clearly insane, leads a cult of killers/murders etc and yet he's proud  at the end. i couldn't quite get my head around that.

i think the sacrifice spot is sound. i almost think i would bring it to the present day, a weird distant church and the lure of the unsuspecting

all the best



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mmmarnie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Pgs. 4, 5 & 6 dragged a bit. Preacher has the food, they don't want to join, he won't give it to them...I felt like this was being repeated too much.

There was some good tension in the last few pages. The action was written well.

The story itself...I don't know. I wasn't crazy about it. IMO everything about it felt too forced. Especially the end with Matthew and Angel hobbling off together.

The writing itself was good, but tense. Like the writer was trying too hard which is what I mean about it being "forced".  Because of this, the characters and dialog were very stiff.

Interesting idea though. Congrats on completing something for this OWC.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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The exchange between the preacher, Matthew, and Jones was confusing, a hot-potato of characterization. But maybe that was the point? I'd imagine in this setting under the circumstances, these characters don't know what the really want to say. A suggestion in this exchange would be to give the preacher the upper-hand, and maybe make it clear he is persuading the group with deception. I never knew the stakes of the baptism until they arrived at the site.

I bought into the premise, but I don't fully understand the sacrificial altar for atonement. Overall, I thought the conflict between Jones and Matthew should have been stronger and less back-and-forth, and the ending less obtuse. Maybe a good theme tie-in would to reveal Angel's name in the end?

The writing was solid, but repetitive in areas toward sentence structure. It could be a style decision to enhance the tone. Didn't really take away from the read.

Mixed about it. No denying the script has potential to be even better.

Johnny
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Forgive
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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...between the tibula and fibula? Around the tibia and fibula?

Apocalyptic images: homes with broken windows and overgrown lawns. Or just Luton Town...?

Quite simple dynamics, which works well for it.

I didn't like the Preacher's "That settles it line..." as it wrapped things up too nicely.

Okay, so starting off, I thought this was going to be quite weak, and the first couple of pages I wasn't too sure of - maybe just a few too many minors popping up. Once the dynamics between Jones and the Preacher kicked in, and it was about very basic things - survival, negotiation, and a touch of post-apocalytic message, that we'd soon return to sacrifice should our world be as insecure as it was in the days when people did sacrifice, then I think it started to work.

I liked the tension when Angel was in the water - how the pace picked up, and how Jones eventually sacrifices himself having sacrifed her - an element of redemption in there, but also working on the key theme in the script.

The ending was a bit "wrap 'em up and send 'em home", but once it got going, I think this worked well.
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Leegion
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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This was darker than I was expecting.  It was written really well.  Dialogue was good.  Story... somewhat confusing but I think I understand what went on.  Kinda like a Pagan ritual type deal (sacrifice to us something and in return we will bestow upon you this) when I think about it.

The script has a lot of potential.  Definitely feels like part of a larger story.  The father-son dynamic was well-played throughout and I like Jones and Matt's interactions.  Not sure if the Preacher was just mad or truly believed his own bs, but sometimes it's best not to fully understand characters or their motivations.

All in all, good tale.  On a scale of 1-10:

Short: 9/10 (good pacing, characterization and storytelling)
Shark: 8.5/10 (had just enough SHARK and it WAS the main focus of the plot)
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DV44
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting take on the post apocalyptic world and what it has become. A human sacrifice for a better Earth. Future. Very cool and inventive on your part. Writing was top notch, dialogue was intriguing and the world you created was awesome. Definitely an early fav of mine.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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Gum
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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This is a smart, clever script. It holds close the ideology that pushes the human condition out of bounds with reality, especially when faced with the future of the unknown. I could picture, vividly, the landscape because it put me in mind of the movie 'Silent Hill'. Including the dementia involved with attempting to satiate the forces of the demons and, those who have the charisma to hold hostage an entire group of scapegoats to placate their sickness... which creep's the hell out of me.

I was reminded as well, of the Reverend Mother from 'Dune' and, her uncanny ability to inflict pain and suffering upon those she loved, all for a better cause of her awakening or understanding. Tightly woven with mythological beings, and an altar of sacrifice pushed this in a direction I wanted to go crazy with dissection, but with about twenty something scripts to read, I'll leave it at this.

Anyways, the plot played out very well, kept me enthralled and, delivered quite the message of religious fervor. Great work!

P.S. keep an eye on your ellipses count, LOL.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Well, not exactly what I was expecting, but sometimes that can be a good thing. Like other commenters--I didn't know if I'd like this but wound up getting into it. Very unique and well written overall. Not much else to add.

The Shark Apocalyspe. Gotta dig it.


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stevie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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This had all the makings of being really great.

It was still pretty good but the author lost control with page limits and deadline perhaps, which happens a fair bit lol.

Writing and formatting were neat.

Funny thing about it is one of my original ideas had a shark sacrifice involved too, lol

Give this a 7



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EWall433
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First off, the world built here was exceptional. Ren brought up The Walking Dead and I’ll throw The Mist in there for good measure. I like that you didn’t try to explain the Apocalypse and instead we just examine what sprung up in this little corner of the world.

Pg. 7 I found it odd that Jones would offer himself up for this “baptism”. I know it’s a ruse, but Angel hasn’t spoken in a long time. His entire plan seems to revolve around a mute girl volunteering herself. And what if she hadn’t spoken up? Kinda leaves Jones on the hook, doesn’t it?

Pg. 10 I feel like I’m missing a beat in Jones’ change of heart. As it reads, he’s acting erratically.

Looks like the page count got you in the end. Right now the end makes it seem like Matt, Angel and the Preacher are all cool with each other, but of course that can’t be the case.

Lots of good elements, but I think the characters let you down here. Angel in particular gets short shrift. The way everyone talks about her when she’s standing right there put me off (and made me think she was deaf as well as mute). I was hoping she’d play a bigger role. Turn the tables or something, but she stayed a MacGuffin character. You could change her from a 17 yr-old girl to a Labrador retriever and most of the plot would remain intact.

But this is one of my favorites so far just based on the premise alone. With the right characters and story I could easily see watching a full feature based on it. Neat stuff.

Congrats on the OWC
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nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, not a fan of the writing, it's trying hard to flow and be stylish but it just comes across as rushed. Not to say it's bad, but it's awkward and needs a little rework to actually have the desired effect you're searching for. Not harping on the style here by the way, my entry has a very very similar style, except without slugs.

It seems to get better though, and actually starts to have that rhythm going, but it's that poor first few lines which throw the reader out of the reader. A few things that notably stick out. Firstly, you say 'under' the sky, which instantly lends an image of us looking down from a bird's eye view -- but then you mention the sun covered in ash? As in, there's a apocalyptic fog over the sun? It's confusing and that's totally not what you want go about it.

The second thing that sticks out is the missing period. Personally, I would've thrown the ellipses after 'ash' so our eyes lead to the Preacher. And even then, I would've at least put 'stands' or 'sits' or 'saunters' or whatever before it so I can get a clear image of what we're actually seeing. Yeah, you tell us later he's looking but I had to go back and reread it which is never a good sign.

Anyway, onto the script...

Interesting first scene.

"Apocalyptic images:" Mmm, it doesn't work for me, feels like you're trying to shove the Apocalyptic angle down my throat, again, almost like you're trying too hard. Something like "Images flash past --" would work better I feel. The script for Shutter Island is a great example of how it's done right.

Page 4/5, solid story building and irony.

The next scene goes on for too long, too much revealed in one moment, doesn't come across nicely. Probably condensed because of the page length.

Too many exclamation marks in the dialogue, or should I say, used in the wrong moment. Doesn't come across the way you want it to. Melodramatic more than anything.

"He takes Angel buy the shoulders." By.

"He brushes a tear from his eye, but nods." He (seemingly) hated her before and now he's shedding a tear? Melodramatic once more.

Page 10: Wait, when did she tell them her name?

It's also possible for amputees to swim, but of course, it's also possible for him to not have learned once he lost his leg.

So, his father is viscously killed by a shark but he seems a lot happier that the random bitch that popped into their house is still alive? And he doesn't even seem to care that his father died? Uhhhh...

Literally have no clue what happened at the end with the hobbling butt buddies. Totally ruined the script's tone and overall feeling, just not the way you should gone. It was coming onto be one of the better entries but I'm not a fan of the way you ended it. Last two pages or so are the biggest offenders. There's potential, but that's all there is really.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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No, I'm not a fan of the writing, either.  It's trying too hard and for me, it's far from effective.

I'm pretty tired of all the post apocalyptic world scripts and films, and I'm immediately not into this, sorry to say.

It's far from low budget, and it appears you have way more than 4 characters.

I started skimming early on and again, the style employed here ain't for me.

Congrats on entering.
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Last Fountain
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting approach. Religion vs nature.

What a powerful opening image... a volcanic sky of apocalyptic ash. Instantly sets the mood. This continues with the introduction of a preacher staring into a lagoon and distant chanting, I am loving this world already. It breathes.  It chokes. Hehhe. Then the body and the shark fin. You've established the tone in concrete within a 1/2 page. Great job setting this up.
Heavy. Dark.

Then we learn it's near present day. After a volcanic apocalypse destroyed civilization.  It felt like medieval times with a strange cult. For me this reveal of modern times was so shocking. Good job with that. The tradition of sacrifice is so primitive that you totally toyed with my expectations.

As I look at the whole picture, I can see you are leading me somewhere. I think you want me to think of how primitive religion is in itself.  Very interesting territory. Now I'm wondering how did the preacher fortify this religion and gain so much power over the surviving community.

The details may get too novelistic but I still enjoyed them. I'd consider trimming some descriptive passages, however. The details of the garden and guards stationed really helped develop backstory. Great way to show us they've been rebuilding humanity for a while now. I also liked when the preacher watches the shark attack and struggle with a smile on his face, entertained ancient Rome style. Creepy stuff.

When all is lost the flock turns to religion. I felt the preacher knew this and was manipulating the community with false hopes. He creeped me out. They have trial by fire called the ordeal. Interesting concept. I liked the dialogue,... through you our sins are devoured... it makes me think of the shift from sacrifice (animal, old testament style, idols) to self sacrifice (Jesus), which was meant to stop needless slaughter of children and animals. You bring up some interesting ideas and important commentary on what man needs to survive.

By the end nature (science) beats religion. Jones sacrifices himself to ensure the continuity of his genes. Survival of the fittest. I'm glad angel lived and hobbles off with her brother. It's even creepier, for me, that preacher believes the sacrifice is real. Whether it's to appease the volcano gods or something else. He believes sacrifices must be made for him to stay alive. Even creepier than an exploitative cult leader starving for power. All the sacrificed are his children. Metaphorically,  in his mind. Again just as creepy as if he actually sacrificed his real genetic daughter in the opening scene.

Great way to make us reexamine what we see. In his short and in life. You worked on a much larger scale, thematically,  than I expected with this challenge. Great job there.

Interesting commentary. Great intro. Great mood. Solid entry. Could amp up the action elements a little more.


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Grey
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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I like the way this one starts out. Infact, it’s my favorite opening so far. The writing is clean and easy to read.

I actually cared about the characters in this(most of them). I was curious about what was going to happen to Angel from the minute she was introduced.

Jones...I didn’t like him after he talked about getting rid of Angel(which is a good thing). Knowing that something bad could happen, I found myself really rooting for Angel and Matthew.

I was sympathetic to Matthew, but wasn’t sure at the end of the script if maybe he lost his leg in the same manner that Angel lost hers. Overall though, this is a good read. One of my favorites.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Interesting start with a volcanic sky of apocalyptic ash but that would suggest the outside world was difficult to breath in and no-one seems to have that problem. A minor nitpick really.

“We’ll be as clever as mice in the kitchen.” – I love that line.

Unfortunately, as has already been pointed out, this cleverness relied on a mute girl suddenly speaking and volunteering herself to be sacrificed. I’d think of some other way of coercing Angel or not have her mute at all.

I loved the tension in the Lagoon, that is a very powerful and exciting scene.

The ending feels flat after such a wonderful build-up. She can swim after having her leg chewed off and the Preacher seems to have some way of healing her in the church we never see. They hobble off into the sunset at the end – I felt disappointed, but I think this is just because you ran out of time/pages though.

Very well written, another fine entry in a string of very fine OWC entries! I’ve been impressed and more than a little jealous by the quality and diversity of the scripts this week.

Mark



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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hello.
The story is dialogue driven. The situation is only sparsely described with the setting, more than that the characters explain what's going on via dialogue...  6-7 complete I pages. They are just talking, no mimic no movement, nothing HAPPENS concerning pictures and impressions.

I'm at p 8. I guess the girl will try to arrive at the buoy because of the preacher's cult. The shark will kill her and an ironic witty pointedly ending should bring some style into the end. I'll see...

Ah, okay. The father did the job of being shark foot; and the ironic witty pointedly ending happened.

There's no conclusion. What do they eat now? Are they now part of preacher's cult religion, I guess not, in the end Jones has been killed.

The good "crew' characters" was a mixed package of different personalities, not bad. The preacher the weirdest character wasn't worth a line of visual description. Maybe you intended to let us decide how your cult preacher looks like, which is fine.

I miss the bite, the deepest possible ambition of exact your theme and stuff. It feels like it was written in a few hours. The easiest way to do it like that is drive everything by dialogue. And that was the choice here.
Your apocalyptical world could be interesting if you draw it out better, and think longer about your story; let them act in conflicts and not talk about conflicts.
The start was a positive opposite of that lack; the climax with everyone trying to give his life for the other too. The rest isn't interesting – "the way it is developed".

From a clever script about religious critic or a good post-apocalyptical theme I expect strenuous efforts or it will be average.

Sorry. The setting was nice. A bit of Mad Max flair.



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RayW
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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24. The Ordeal - In a post-apocalyptic world, a sacrifice is called for so that others may live. Who will pay the price?
Brief - Post apocalyptic pseudo-religious crazies extort followers for food.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Preacher, Jones, Matthew, Angel
Scenes to Build  - 4
Lagoon + shore, Coastal town, Fortress house EXT.
Accessory Visual - average
Skiff, buoy, fin, blood stained water, chain/clamp/leg, fire
Accessory Audio - average
Harbour waves, boat through water, chain pull,

Genre & Marketability - Fantasy drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  
     his once strong frame depleted from
malnourishment
Please don’t do that. I can’t plop a camera and film what a character’s body used to be, and I can’t create an animation of what something used to be. I can film and animate a malnourished man, so just say that alone.
     Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature.
By the beginning of page three I can tell this is going to be super-drama =  not really interested. Hand halfway removing producer’s hat…
     Producer’s hat’s off when the story jumped the shark halfway down page seven when the baptism became “.... swim to a buoy in the middle of the harbor and return.”
     Honestly, this is a fairly good usage of three/four scenes. Talkies are good for the animation I do.
     Nice post-apocalyptic pseudo-religion insanity.
Final word - Pass. I just can’t do much with this genré, marketing wise.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.8          Screenplay Pages
= 118/177     Total Build Hours Time Cost



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KevinLenihan
Posted: April 14th, 2014, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Voting over, Monday morning, no reason not to out myself.

Thanks for the notes! I wasn't in love with this story either, I just wanted to participate. No plans to work any further on it.

For those interested, a quick story explanation:

Post-apocalyptic; a small cult has arisen around a shamanic preacher who worships a mother earth type god; she does in fact reward them with some supernatural power; she asks for an occasional human sacrifice in return; the shark serves the mother god in this process.

That notion is not as far fetched as it sounds. Hawaiians have a similar traditional religion where they use shamanic power to call on the sharks, which they venerate. They don't use sacrifice, but sacrifice is the most fundamental motifs in human religion. Obviously Christianity, but in most indigenous religions it exists in some form. The idea is that one of the members of the tribe is sacrificed in order to purge the tribe of its sin.

Here, I was trying to avoid showing the shark for reasons of cost. I probably should have used an arm bone at the beginning so that it would not be confusing when the girl loses a leg, not to mention the boy has already lost one(nothing to do with the shark).

The girl is not mute...she is shell shocked from the events that destroyed her world. So she doesn't talk yet. She showed up as a stray and has been with the father and son a couple weeks. The father knows they can't afford to give her the food.

The father works out a scheme with the preacher to give up the girl. In return they will get some food...and she will stop eating theirs. But the father does not want the boy to know. So he and the priest work out a scheme  where it will seem the girl volunteered. Could they know she would? No. And if she didn't, they would have tried some other angle.

The father changes his mind and tries to rescue the girl only because his son showed. He does feel a degree of guilt, of course. It was not an easy decision.

When the shark kills the father, of course the boy is horrified. He hides his face. Nothing he can do, though. No reason he doesn't still care for the girl making it ashore.

The priest helps them because the sacrifice is no longer needed. The father's blood satiated the goddess.

Not saying it was a good story, just explaining the attempt.

Word on the writing: everyone has seen a volcanic sky. Google it. At sunset, sometimes you get that orange sky with brilliant flashes of red streaks...that's called a volcanic sky.

If you saw that during the middle of the day, however,something would be wrong with the sky. But even then, you may have seen something close. It happens. A few years back, there were terrible forest fires in Canada that covered the high atmosphere over the Northeast with ash. This colored the sky a hazy orange.

So whatever apocalypse struck the world...volcanic, meteor, war...it filled the high atmosphere with something that blots the sun to a degree. I never thought that the term would cause confusion.

One reviewer said there were way more than 4 characters. There were precisely 4. We could hear chanting from the church, but that shouldn't count as characters. We never see them. That's just a soundtrack. And there's a moment when a rifle shows from the church. But we never see the character. I hardly think that counts.

Same reviewer said it would be expensive. Huh? This is one of the cheapest scripts in the OWC. You don't even have to rent the church...just find one to shoot outside of. The only thing that might require some work is setting up the house...but that's flexible. I mean if you really have no budget, just put a guy on the roof with a rifle. My thinking was to try to make it look like a house that people have been trying to protect for some time, so maybe they've built a barricade or two. That should not be expensive.

Even the killing of the father I tried to make cheap. We don't even really see the shark. It tips the boat, then eats the father in the water. Sometimes comments just baffle me.

As far as the story being dialogue driven...well, not exactly. The opening scene can be stretched to take a couple minutes, and the last scene would take up several minutes, the bulk of the film actually. There are 3 dialogue based scenes. They look longer because dialogue takes up more space in a script then action. Also, each of the 3 dialogue scenes has a good amount of conflict.

In the opening page, about half way down, I repeated a description of the sky. Some people called this "trying too hard". They didn't perceive what I was really trying: to avoid the slug MOMENTS LATER. Nothing wrong with that slug, but I thought it would benefit to replace it, and I'm not sure the film would be broken up.

See, it takes some time for the preacher to row out to the buoy. I can break up that time with a slug. I can maybe say he rows and rows and rows. Or I can assume the reader understands it takes time, and just try to use another line to stretch it out so that is represented some way in the script. Thus another description of the sky.

I appreciate the feedback from those that gave it honest read, which was most of the reviewers. Sorry it wasn't a better story...damn, this was a hard one! Thanks again everyone.
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mmmarnie
Posted: April 14th, 2014, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Personally, I thought this was impressive for a week's worth of work. We all have major kinks to work out. I think you started out creating atmosphere and story, but given another week you would have worked out your characters and dialog.

By the way, you get my vote for best reviewer this OWC. Really insightful reviews. Thank you.


boop
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 14th, 2014, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Ah Kevin, you're the author. Wouldn't of guessed it. It's got a lot of potential, you're thinking about abandoning it? Thanks for the detailed response on it, that helped me understand some of the questions I had about the story. I'm still kind of curious if you might be able to elaborate more on the ending.

You should revisit this in some form later on down the road, without the restrictions. I thought the buoy was an intense way to present the theme.

Like Marnie, I was also impressed by your thoughtful and professional feedback regarding the entries. Very helpful to have you around. Learned a lot.
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KevinLenihan
Posted: April 14th, 2014, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, John. At the end, the preacher uses the power his church receives from the goddess to heal the girl. When she is ready, they are free to leave. For some reason I had a ying and yang image in my head of two characters, male and female, each missing the opposite leg...suggesting that together they could be as one. Corny,didn't work.

I wanted her to swim as an ordeal, and originally thought of an island. I believe the natives on Easter Island have a similar ritual where they have to swim to a sacred island. I forget why I changed to a buoy. Probably just so a victim could be chained to it.

I won't be returning to it, I have too much else to do. I have several screenplays I want to write(features), but at the moment I am turning away from screen and to e-books instead. I've written about 10 features. Time to try something different. I'll still be here, though. Hey, this was the worst one of my OWCs ever did! I'm regressing!
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DV44
Posted: April 14th, 2014, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Very impressive writing for one week, Kevin. Nicely done. Personally i've never been great with reviews so sorry for the weak one I gave you.

-Dirk
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wonkavite
Posted: April 16th, 2014, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kev -

Quick review; not much, I'm afraid - partially due to time constraints, but also because there's not too much to say.  Very well done and smooth.  Great characterization here...  I definitely see your evolution as a writer over time with this script.  It's taken me a little time to adjust to the ending, but it works.  (Too many characters for the challenge, though!)  Otherwise, no complaints!  
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KevinLenihan
Posted: April 16th, 2014, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Janet. Thanks for digging into a relatively unpopular script!

There are only 4 characters. We don't see the people in the church, we just hear the chanting. I didn't think that counted as a character. It's just background noise.

I couldn't quite pull off the story. I wanted the idea of the sacrifice cult, and I began with the idea of the girl seemingly making safety, but then we look down and see she's lost a leg. Maybe it doesn't work, but I had in my head.

I also had the weird idea of the two survivors walking off, each missing a leg, symbolic of their forming a ying and yang bond as one. Cookoo, I know. And I was sober!

Been a while since I wrote a short, had fun!
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