Quoted from Forgive About half a page and then out - good p$ssers are fine - and I don't really think you should be able to tell a p$sser early on - getting them after a few pages is the best way.

That's actually a great point, Simon.  I agree with you completely.

Here was some skill on display here and the writer has experience and confidence to write some of the descriptions and actions with...umm...flair?

Anyway, some of the humor worked. Some didn't. The dinner banter could have cut down. Having the two women start to cheer at the start of the fight didn't seem right but then again a lot with this is backwards anyway...

12. Jowls - Four people on a boat. In the water. With a shark. A big one. Beeg teeth. Very beeg.
Brief - Two swinging metro couples have a hapless yacht ride, and there’s a shark

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Belinda, Lenny, Raphael, Melissa
Scenes to Build  - 7
Livingroom, Taxi, Restaurant INT + Streetside, Marina, Yacht INT + EXT, Ocean
Accessory Visual - >9
C/u of dolphin earrings, make up application, moving restaurant employees + patrons, handshake, peck, menus, champaign, pants, dress, shark
Accessory Audio - >9
Couch crash, car white noise, city noise, restaurant din, harbor + ocean waves, bang 2x, glasses break, yacht pitch,

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  
Some/many of these details are gonna get scrubbed for economy’s sake. Hilarious McCartney reference. By the time we get to the restaurant on pg 3 I’m already thinking of cutting the opening sequence, just FYI. Personally, as a producer, I really don’t mind this writing style as I’m much more concerned with the nuts and bolts of substance rather than style, but I can see why there’s so much grievance over how you’ve written this. Would probably skip the couples introduction, cut straight from taxi to seated.
     Stressful, semi-confrontational dinner convo = nice! I don’t get pg7’s “computer” reference. Story’s draggin’ by the end of pg7. “Front of the boat” is called the bow. Lenny’s a dick.
     Alright, I’m dropping consideration a few lines into page eleven. Story’s getting pretty retarded.
Final word - Pass. Dumb story. Don’t waste people’s time, dickweed.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.8          Screenplay Pages
= 118/177     Total Build Hours Time Cost

The characters were well defined and the story was interesting enough to let me fear for their safety and yet be glad when the shark leapt up.
The scene at the restaurant was terrific, the discussion / presentation of the food was plenty good.
And the glass-like shattered molars were memorable especially because they were unseen.
This was fun to read.

As others stated, your writing is good. Unfortunatley the story isn’t. It became obvious halfway through you weren’t taking this serious. That’s fine, if it actually had me laughing. A few lines might have brought a smile to my face. But that’s about it. Too much banter at the dinner table that ran on for 8 pages.

Could we have thrown in any more itlaian clichés? I think you strateched that gag to it’s breaking point.

Your formula for comedy is Raphael being the foreign funny man, and Lenny being the straight man. This would have worked if it was executed better. Most of your jokes were just comic jabs derived from Raphael’s accent and misuse of the language.

I did like that Tito Jackson line,. When Lenny’s like…Tito, my favorite.

I think your descriptions were funnier than your dialogue. Shame you can’t film that.

Your ending just felt like it was slapped together. Maybe that was your idea. It’s just if I’m going to read 12 pages of a comedy, there’re at least two things I expect. 1) That it makes me laugh. 2) That it was at least put together with a somewhat serious effort. Neither of these were apparent when reading your script.

So the writing is good. Unfortunatlely it felt like you didn’t put much effort in constructing a solid story. On the upside…There was a shark.

Best of luck

Well...  I have to say, this is the most fun I've had so far in this OWC.  Complete, utter pisser of course.  Someone had a BALL writing this.  Here are the lines I felt stood out:

When all my troubles seemed so far
away.

How old is she this time? Twenty
three again?

Belinda pulls a face. It’s not pleasant.

Posh is not the word. Well, it’ll do.

The taxi pulls up in front of erm, a boat. A big boat. No, a
bigger boat. Well, it’s a quite big yacty... yawt... yacth...
hang on. Yacht. That’s it. I think so. It’s as big as the
budget allows. Yeah, right.

I’ve had longer sneezes.

I think we jumped it a few
pages back.

And the sudden appearance of the shark on page 11?  Hysterical.  

Obviously disqualified.  But quite obviously a pleasure to read, too.

Cheers,

--Janet

Amusing read, I had fun with it for the first six or so pages before it waded too deep into absurdity and childishness.

Quoted from wonkavite Well...  I have to say, this is the most fun I've had so far in this OWC. --Janet

Sums it up for me perfectly as well. Generally I'm not fond of piss-takes, but this was a helluva lot of fun and had me laughing out loud.

I think quite a bit of work went into making it funny and silly and inventive too. All the fishy references and creative asides and the breaking of the fourth wall through dialogue:  

From: 'I'm fried', and 'piranha' on the menu to: 'Melissa gives a look that would frighten horses' & the Bryan Singer reference there's little on the surface of this one, but a lot more if you delve deep (pun intended).

A couple of little criticisms:  I think you should have used the term: 'lists' instead of 'shifts' and I coulda done without the 'bugger my granny' line, but thats just cause of my sophisticated sensibilities.  

"A huge shark flies through the air and grabs Melissa."  That nobody notices and they keep going with the fight is very entertaining and though maybe stretching it a bit could be a little social commentary nod? But then again... anyway it worked for me.

Overall anything that cracks me up and has me laughing in my chair gets my popular vote. We all know this is not going to win a mug cause that credit will go to a legit entry.

Having said that, a special thanks to Don for allowing one of the more clever send-ups like this to be allowed a hall pass.

Alright, so... now that I've had time to catch up on a few more pressing matters...

(Ren, Ren, Ren... sigh... chuckles)

Tell me WHY you chose to go this route, writing and submitting a pisser?

I'm not at all being judgmental, I just have a casual interest in the decision making process of how someone goes from "I could do such-and-such" to "Hail, yeah! I think I will... pound, pound, pound... SEND-ola! Ahahahahahaha!"

Thank you, sincerely.

Quoted from RW (Ren, Ren, Ren... sigh... chuckles)

Yeeeaaasss? (Why are you talking in parentheses?)

Quoted from RW Tell me WHY you chose to go this route, writing and submitting a pisser?

I don't subscribe to this 'pisser' idea. Nobody considers Life Of Brian anything other than a comedy. Not that Jowls is a patch on it.

I did it BECAUSE I hoped I'd get this -

Quoted from LC but this was a helluva lot of fun and had me laughing out loud.

and this -

Quoted from Wonkavite Well...  I have to say, this is the most fun I've had so far in this OWC.

Some seemed to really enjoy it. Others took it as some type of personal affront. They need to get out more.

Far as I know there was mention of no pissers with a shark in a swimming pool. I didn't think I was breaking any rules.

And writing it was a lot of fun.

R

Fair enough.

Thanks.

Now then. About time to respond to these posts. First up, Steve McQueen...

Quoted from DJS Well here it is! My "favorite" of the submissionbs so far!! Hard to imagine, but I'm sure that this one was written about five days ago from today. Because that's what it feels like. an April Fools.

Erm no. I thought it was funny. Not a practical joke.

Quoted from DJS I didn't mind a few fourth wall breaks...

I doubt this is entirely true.

Quoted from DJS ...but y'know when a character complains about "not having enough pages" but the writer puts this in referring to A four line description about a yawt...a yatch etc... And things like that? Bull s***.

Ooooh. Bit strong. Almost a kick in cock.

Take it you seriously didn't find it funny. However, some did. Like Wonkavite for instance. Few others. Me too.

Joint second in the voting as well. And no, I didn't vote for it myself. I never do. I'm not that sad.

Quoted from DJS Take that all out and you had your script. It may not have been knocking my socks off, but at least you won't insult anyone's IQ. Keep this in mind: you are not Shane Black, and neither am I. But nice effort. Just for that... Yes. I'm not serious. It was far and large NOT my "favorite". In fact, I found it to be mpre of a p*ss-pot.

Well. I've always thought that when you have to explain sarcasm it tends to lose its potency.

I wasn't insulting anyone's IQ. Funny you should think so. It was a comedy script. Why would you appear to get upset?

If so, why allow it in the OWC at all? Having cake and eating it. If a bouncer lets a drunk guy in a club he can hardly complain with any authority about said drunk falling over and dribbling.

No, I'm not Shane Black, thank Christ.

A mire of a piss-pot? Oh dear. I do sense you really didn't like it. Dedums.

R

Lots more later.

And now back into the breach.

Quoted from Dreamscale Well...2 pissers in a row.

Says the fella who wrote one himself.

And you're talking just after you just reviewed your own. Shameless.

Quoted from Dreamscale This one was a tough slog with all the inane asides and banter.

Yes. I should have gone more for 'the man falls over his own penis' type routine with some Carry on Benny Hill stuff from the 70s. Far more subtle and sophisticated.

Quoted from Dreamscale I skimmed the last few pages, but was glad to see the jumping shark take peeps out in 1 bite - very funny.

I'm very pleased to hear you found something funny.

Quoted from Dreamscale The writer sure has a voice, but it's quite an annoying one, IMO.

What one hand giveth the other will surely take away. I believe the technical term for this is a compliment shit sandwich.

Quoted from Dreamscale Congrats on completing the OWC.

Thanks! If only your review of mione was half as good as the one you gave yourself.

Quoted from DV44 This one took a bit to get going. Probably could have shaved off a few pages at the beginning and moved the four straight into the dinner scene. Even there you could scaled back some as well. I actually enjoyed the comedy throughout even though we were told not to go in that direction.

I probably could have shaved a whole lot off but I liked it.

Glad you enjoyed the comedy. I wasn't told not to go in that direction but reading the manual was never one of my stronger points. What next? No tragedy? Absolutely no irony? Oh the irony in that...

Much more axe grinding coming up soon.

R

Hey, Ren.

Sorry I called you a dickweed.


I honestly feel pretty bad about it.

I forgot about that, RayW.

Don't feel bad about it. Apology gratefully accepted. I often get called far worse. By my relatives, too. The cheeky barstards.

I'm just glad I'm not a sensitive seventeen year old who might have taken it to heart.

We should all bear in mind the OWC is anonymous. We've no real idea who wrote what until Don says. Comments should be measured accordingly.

Thankfully I'm a thick skinned tosser. Which is just as well seeing the cock kicking given to Jowls.

Now I'm going to work on my next comedy, especially for Jeff and all those who loved my last one so much. That is after I find my kettle. It's not in the bedroom or the dog basket. You would think it'd be in the kitchen where I left it but it's like my youthful twinkle and innocence - gone!

Think I'm gonna have a look in the cellar.

R