Quoted from Grandma Bear If the script already have a bogus name on the cover page, then Don goes with that name. If the scripts are turned in without a name on it, Don makes them up. If you look at all the "writers' names" you'll see that Don has a theme going. He always does.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Hello!

Ok. I guess it was very difficult for you to deliver us that a "story teller's" imaginative story suddenly awakes when he told his nephew of an imaginative shark attack/boat trip. For me you were successful. I think you repeated so much dialogue to clarify and to put a brake in case of the risk of that visual concept.

The decisions how you balance and challenge such a fanciful concept represent you in a very good light from my view.

For the whole story- there's a yes and a no by now. Those fresh visual concepts would have to go through a development team with lots of hands in the game anyway(for me). You "could" cut the author's reference, that author's have that endless responsibility about their words and replace it with another conflict.

Ambition is what I'm looking for here (at simplys.) and that's what I found in this script.

The script "Shark dreaming" had a very similar vibe and concept. I thought it was a bit/ a bit of a better back-story and character's conflict there. Maybe you want to look out for that script and compare it to the "author's message part" of yours. It's just a taste thing in the end...


Very interesting. I liked that.

I liked the idea that you were aiming for here but it got bogged down a bit from the dialogue at the end. Peter teaches Holden that words are far more dangerous than he realizes and to choose wisely what you say because it could come back to bite you in the ass. Nice lesson, nice setup but the ending felt rushed to me. Why Jayne had no idea that her brother had the scar on his arm is beyond me. Was the scar fake? or real? Good job for one week of writing, just need a little clearing up is all.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

6. The Stillness in the Water - An author attempts to teach his nephew the power of stories by recalling a time when a novel he wrote lead to a close encounter with a great white shark.
Brief - Uncle Benchley educates his nephew about his regrets for his actions as a writer.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Peter, Holden, shark, Jayne
Scenes to Build  - 7/6
Open ocean, sailboat movement, dining room, shark fin filled ocean + rotation, boat strike, under the ocean
Accessory Visual - average
Peter c/u, laptop, switch flip c/u, crate + open, bait fish, scoop, water splash, boys fall into ocean, growing shark fin
Accessory Audio - average
Ocean waves, wave cutting hull, laptop slide, outboard motor stop, crate open, scoop sling, water splash, boat strike, boat splash, surfacing splash, fin cutting through water

Genre & Marketability - Fantasy drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Dialog’s wooden. Gonna cut out that motor, just pick up where the opening scene left off. Going to skip the ocean of fins rotation. Stupid “bigger boat” quote.
     The waters surrounding the boat for as far as the eye
     can see are filled with shark fins.
     ...
                    HOLDEN
               Did they attack?
The fins? Did the fins attack?! LOL. Oh, wait. You mean like shark fins still attached to sharks, right? Oh, okay. I thought you meant like hacked off dismembered “finned” shark fins filling the ocean.
     Out on page seven when one more scene to build was added.
     Producer hat off, reader hat on: The imagery and descriptions are great, the dialog is substandard. Just waaaaay too OTN. Overall it’s kinda good, kinda goofy. Maybe goofy done in a good way that isn’t really entertaining? I dunno.
Final word - Pass. Too much production effort for too small a payoff.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.6          Screenplay Pages
= 96/144     Total Build Hours Time Cost

This is certainly charming and I imagine it being an entertaining film.  The talk about the responsibilities of a writer grabbed my attention more than the shark teeth (writing is easy, you just take out a piece of paper and open a vein).  Anyway, this is a good fish story.

Opening… flashback?….lol

Dialogue needs work. Quick example. Just Peter referring to his nephew as…nephew. He should be calling him by his name, Holden.  Or a nickname of such.

Also that bit of dialogue when Peter is telling Holden about the his book and the shark population dropping off by 50 percent. It reads well, but not in dialogue. More like an article in some magazine. Doesn't feel natural. Much of this prevalent throughout.

I see you not so subtly through in that bigger boat reference.

Not enough action too much dialogue. Peters dialogue just runs on and on.  Very preachy. Your causing the reader to have some serious disdain toward him.

Jane talking to herself aloud about his scars, and could the story be true or not….take that out completely. Just a puzzled look I think would be fine.

“Carefully, almost delicately, the shark scrapes it’s teeth”….What? That’s your shark attack? Could you have imagined anything LESS threatening.  I thought he was gonna’ get his leg chomped off. Give him a fake leg. That could have been your big reveal.

The shark swims away from a misty blood cloud? That should’ve been dinner time.

And then your ending…

He peeks from out the door frame to be like….I’m fuckin wit you…ehh.  His little tale was weak to begin with. You should have added some carnage to it.

Overall too much dialogue. Had potential…but fell flat for me.

Best of luck

Agree that the story and concept had potential.

Wished the 11 year-old would have sounded a little more like an 11 year-old. Especially since he's getting a "talking to" he's likely going to have a little more of a smart-mouth (think an 11 year-old version of any one of us).

Ending also didn't quite the deliver much. Was almost like it didn't know how quite to end.

I know this is crazy - but I was actually hoping for Peter to be telling this story and be dead the whole time - Sixth Sense style.

Compelling approach. The author of JAWS repents for fear created in public.

I like how you suggest social media bullying or online writing affecting others. Some people will believe your fiction. Your lies. So be mindful. Unexpected message with this challenge. Good job. It's interesting to see what happened after book's success

I like the surreal style of flashback,  as the young boy is transported by memories. Standing on the boat with pete. Nice image. This cautionary tale has some good dialogue,  like.. what suicidal folly

Strong image with boat surrounded by fins after pete apologizes. His prayers heard?

No need for bigger boat reference here. Kinda out of place, tonally.

Cool. Holden is so mesmerized by story, although not really there, he feels the need to fight the waves and drowning. Very compelling way to show this. Interesting that Pete feels he  deserves to be killed by shark. And perhaps repent?

I like how he decides to protect oceans,  his death would have made sharks an even bigger horror story.  Interesting.

Nice work with sister thinking it's another of Pete's stories. No. It's worse. Chilling stuff there. Also really cool that jayne travls into story as well. I wonder how she never saw scar before? Does he hide it?

I like the musical sting from jaws joke. It makes me  think John Williams is more responsible for all the fear of sharks. Not Pete.

I also like the open ended nature. Perhaps this injury happened differently. Pete just can't contain his desire to scare people. He's always telling a tall tale.

Interesting concept. Good visuals. Stylish flashbacks. Goo pacing. Uneven tone.

It's odd that this exciting because of narration and not the action. Good job there. After all this is about the power and emotion in words. And the effect they have on others.

Well done.

Hey all. Thanks for the reads and the reviews.

First up – Stillness in the Water = One of the original name ideas for the book Jaws – no-one picked up on that so I’m pointing it out so you know how clever I am.

Dakuwaqa - In Fijian mythology this is a shark-god. I was hoping using a shark god’s name would bring me good fortune but I forgot to sacrifice some virgins.

I had the idea and wanted to take part in this OWC but I knew the only time I’d have to write it was Thursday night. So I did some research but wrote it in one 4 hour session. I knew it would need work, just wish I’d have worked on it all week to do it more justice, especially now considering the quality of the other entries. However it’s still been a pleasure to take part in this impressive OWC.

STORY

Peter Benchley (author of Jaws) is chatting to his Nephew Holden at the request of his Sister Jayne. Holden has been writing some pretty dark, angry stuff on the internet and his mother is worried.

The story takes place around the turn of the century (coz Peter went and expired himself in 2006) hence the old laptop and Modem reference.

Peter decided to tell a tale that’s part truth, part imagined to Holden to demonstrate the potential power of words. He details  the negative impact his book ‘Jaws’ had on sharks and how it lead to a very spiritual encounter with a rogue great white shark, which in turn inspired Peter to become an Ocean Advocate.

Peter is such a powerful storyteller Holden can see the images of Peter’s encounters in his head and feels his is alongside him on the boat as he tells the tale.

At the end, Peter drops a hint to his sister that there may be more truth to the tale than she thought.

Partially based on truth, Peter did indeed regret the impact of Jaws and he did encounter a Great White Shark which ‘evacuated its bowels’ all over him and swam off instead of eating him. It was this encounter which made him start to think his initial impression of these sharks maybe wrong.  

COMMENTS

Quoted from rendevous Starts with a flashback. Hang on. It's not started yet. How can you flash back? R

Thanks for the feedback Ren and the humor, I always smile at your comments.
A few of you picked up on this and rightly so. I didn’t want to start with just Peter and Holden talking, I know talking puts some people off so instead I wanted to visualise Peter remembering a time when he went out to see some Great White Sharks AND for him to start thinking up the story he’s about to tell Holden.

There’s many TV shows and films that start off with a Flashforward and then they do the dramatic SUPER of “TWO DAYS EARLIER” or something so why not start off why a Flashback? Just coz it’s not been done before doesn’t mean it can’t if the story was right.

And it’s not strictly a flashback, it’s a memory mixed with imagination. If anyone has any ideas how to get that across better, like a Vulcan I’m all ears.

And yet you know at some point some big director is going to start off a movie with a flashback and then everyone is going to be scrambling to do it. WELL I DID IT FIRST! Lol!

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo I agree with comments above. The dialogue is on the nose, awkward writing, and a heart felt story. The bit at the end was great, the on the nose dialogue almost helped it, ironically.  Sorry I don't have more, good effort. Johnny

Thanks Jonny. A few picked up on the dialogue. I agree it needs a polish but I also think guy telling a kid a story is going to have some on the nose dialogue as a natural part of the story telling don’t you think?

Quoted from nawazm11 I don't believe a word of what Peter says since it's so damn outrageous. You have the be a real big hick to go around and kill sharks after reading a book, can hicks even read? This just plain makes no sense, did we get an influx of serial killers after American Psycho was published? Of course not. Seriously considering about stopping here, which is very rare for me with a short.

I understand nawazm11. If you don’t buy into a premise it’s very hard to take the rest of it seriously.  Thanks for reading through anyway and providing feedback, it’s appreciated. However as someone else already pointed out it is widely established his book had a profound impact on the world’s perception of sharks and there was negative impact that continues to this day. Peter did indeed spend his life trying to make up for this and did state several times his regrets.

Quoted from nawazm11 "Stood next to him, figuratively speaking, is Holden." What? So he's not there? Why mention it if he's not there? Another reason why asides get a bad rap.

I was hoping people would be able to figure out that Peter is telling Holden a story (which is why Peter is in it) and the person he’s telling the story to is there to watch it, figuratively speaking as in ‘not literally’ there. Peter is such a good story teller and Holden has such a good imagination it’s as if he’s there with Peter reliving the memories.

Quoted from nawazm11 He must be a damn smart 11 year old if he can understand that nonsense...

Don’t underestimate kids – they grow up so fast these days. I had my own 11 year old boy read the script and he had no problem at all. He thinks its ace and should win this OWC but he may be bias.  He wants me to write a Batman script with him next.

Quoted from EWall433 So this is Peter Benchley and Holden Caulfield? He certainly broods like a Caulfield.

Cheers for the feedback Eric and Yes!

Quoted from EWall433 Pg.7 Gin-clear water? Just clear water is fine, hold the gin.

I spotted the Gin-clear water reference in the JAWS 2 script so plageri….I mean paid homage to it.

Quoted from EWall433 The cheese definitely kills the story. Things are a little too happy go lucky, especially if you take into account the source material. In real life, despite putting a lot of effort in and having his heart in the right place, Peter never really undid the damage before he died. So to write a story based on that where everything is honky-dory at the end feels false. This probably should’ve been a bit more wistful and contemplative than what you’ve got here, and as such needs a substantial revision to set right. But I think a biographical take on Benchley could go pretty far. A man who comes to see his greatest success as his greatest failure is Oscar bait in the right hands.

I contemplated making it more moody & depressing but in the end my research on the guy didn’t point to him being that defeated by life at all. He seemed like a fighter and never stopped his work, plus he’s teaching his 11 year old nephew the morals and responsibility of storytelling.

I didn’t want Holden to slit his wrists at the end or to burst into tears. He needed to be wowed by the power of the story, not had the fear of god put in him. But yes it could have been more broody and I agree a Benchley biography could be excellent.

Quoted from Forgive I see people got Benchley pretty quick, good calls. I zoned out when I got the p$sstake angle, but then thought maybe if it'd been taken seriously it could have been quite good. I guess you know that both Gottlieb & Benchley where characters in the film? Probably based it on that. Interesting take though, just maybe deserved a little bit more to it? Maybe not. I don't know.

Sorry if you thought this was a pisser, not my intention. I had no idea Benchley was in the film though, as himself? Not sure who Gottlieb is – seems like I should have researched Jaws more instead of Peter Benchley lol!

Quoted from Dreamscale HULK SMASH! Congrats on entering!

Thanks Dreamscale lol! Sorry you didn’t like it at all. Seriously though if you could give me some pointers and examples of where I’m going wrong that would be appreciated. I know my writing needs work and I struggle to get my thoughts across adequately in word format so any help is welcome.  

The rest of the comments where in a similar vein and I’m glad some liked it and could see the potential in the story.

A special shout out to PrussianMosby and the final comment by Last Fountain in particular. Sometimes I think I’ve got no potential and I’m deluding myself; particularly when people read the script and don’t get it at all. You two seemed to really get what I was aiming for and could see the vision I imagined in my head when I wrote this so thank you for giving this amateur some hope!