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The Stillness in the Water by Dakuwaqa - Short, Shark - An author attempts to teach his nephew the power of stories by recalling a time when a novel he wrote lead to a close encounter with a great white shark. - pdf, format
Starts with a flashback. Hang on. It's not started yet. How can you flash back?
Now I have my annoying teacher head on I will state for the record, just once, quiet at the back! That this -
Quoted from TSITW
Peter is sat...
- is wrong. It'd be fine in a novel. But this isn't.
'Peter sits'. Tense. Present. Pulease.
I'll stop that now. Getting annoying. If it's not already got there.
The story's has an interesting idea at its heart. I heard he felt that way at the end of his life.
The approach was interesting. I've seen it done in several films and it works well. It's always a lot harder to imagine it from the page than see it, but that's true of most things. I'd say this internet malarkey is making people lazier with their imaginations. But that's another story.
Unfortunately these days the phrase 'great responsibility' has been grasped firmly by Peter Parker and his friends. Much in the same way as 'use the force' has by Jedi types.
This was alright. Original story, to me at least. It is a bit too cute for the likes of myself, I'd have liked a little more edge. But rather good, all the same.
You can't have a flashback at the start of a script, what are we flashing back from? Nothing. Take it away. Your first slug is also very poor, and you're bound to get a few comments on it.
Dialogue on the first page doesn't work for me at all.
"Holden shrugs his shoulders; whatever!" Mmm, I try not to harp on asides, I probably have half a dozen in the script I submitted but this is one of the reasons why a lot of people hate them so much. Not so much the 'whatever' but the exclamation mark that's almost forcing it to be cute in a cringe worthy way.
Peter and his nephew(?) seem awfully bipolar, with being angry and then suddenly curious and a load of other emotions in just two pages...
I don't believe a word of what Peter says since it's so damn outrageous. You have the be a real big hick to go around and kill sharks after reading a book, can hicks even read? This just plain makes no sense, did we get an influx of serial killers after American Psycho was published? Of course not. Seriously considering about stopping here, which is very rare for me with a short.
"Stood next to him, figuratively speaking, is Holden." What? So he's not there? Why mention it if he's not there? Another reason why asides get a bad rap.
Wait, what? So he is there? I have no clue what's going on here.
"the ways our lives benefit materially as well as spiritually are nearly infinite. And we are well on our way to ruining it all. What madness is this, what suicidal folly?" He must be a damn smart 11 year old if he can understand that nonsense...
Why do they say wow together? What?
"They all circle the boat in a clockwise rotation." Wasn't it meant to be a rogue shark?
"So that’s what I did and will continue to do so until my last dying breath." Uhhh, what did he do again? Just go out and look for sharks? Not the best atonement, I'd say...
"Jayne has replaced Holden as a floating witness." See this, this makes the scene lose all its effect and it's the exact same thing that happened earlier with the kid. We don't need a constant voice over guiding us through the script, I made that mistake with one of my features, let the scenes speak for themselves and or else it takes all the tension and meaning away. I've felt nothing so far.
"I’ll leave that for you, the audience to figure out." This is so on the nose that I want to rip my eyes out.
Jayne seems like a good mother, what with throwing the word asshole around and all.
Well... I don't want to carry on being an asshole, but I obviously had huge problems with most of the script. A LOT of problems actually... Needs work...
I don't believe a word of what Peter says since it's so damn outrageous. You have the be a real big hick to go around and kill sharks after reading a book, can hicks even read? This just plain makes no sense, did we get an influx of serial killers after American Psycho was published? Of course not. Seriously considering about stopping here, which is very rare for me with a short.
Humans killing things is pretty much our default mode. It takes an active push to stop it, not start it. Dolphins get The Cove, Killer Whales get Blackfish, Sharks get… Sharknado. Good luck passing their collection plate.
So this is Peter Benchley and Holden Caulfield? He certainly broods like a Caulfield.
Pg.7 Gin-clear water? Just clear water is fine, hold the gin.
I find myself with not a lot to add. The cheese definitely kills the story. Things are a little too happy go lucky, especially if you take into account the source material. In real life, despite putting a lot of effort in and having his heart in the right place, Peter never really undid the damage before he died. So to write a story based on that where everything is honky-dory at the end feels false. This probably should’ve been a bit more wistful and contemplative than what you’ve got here, and as such needs a substantial revision to set right.
But I think a biographical take on Benchley could go pretty far. A man who comes to see his greatest success as his greatest failure is Oscar bait in the right hands.
Odd to start with a flashback. I think you should just start it and then the next scene, if it' years in advance or something, put it as a title.
This supposed to be Peter Benchley? "Did you know I wrote a book once?" -- He wrote more than one book, including "The Deep".
Okay, I like the idea here very much but unfortunately, not the execution. The dialog felt preachy and forced and the flashbacks got confusing. I wasn't a fan of the last two lines either. A great idea though, but one week wasn't long enough to flesh it out.
Dakuwaqa - where in earth do folk get them. I really must try harder
Let's see, please not a pisser, I'm a little pisser over burdened at the mo....
First slug - going to need INT or EXT How can Holden be standing next to him, and if he isn't then VO NOOOOOO - it's got the bigger boat (almost) quote
Oh I see it's gone all a but surreal, that's fine
I have a vague idea on the writer of this one, time will tell.
The concept has something, the writer of jaws, his story, his regrets at the consequences etc , probably a Nicholls feature entry in there!
Short wise a little on the nose, felt a tad rushed. The lose parallel of teaching the boy to be careful with his words and his book was ok, but maybe there are stronger options out there.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I see people got Benchley pretty quick, good calls. I zoned out when I got the p$sstake angle, but then thought maybe if it'd been taken seriously it could have been quite good. I guess you know that both Gottlieb & Benchley where characters in the film? Probably based it on that. Interesting take though, just maybe deserved a little bit more to it? Maybe not. I don't know.
Terrible opening – you can’t open with a FLASHBACK. Your opening line ends in an orphan. Then a V.O. and finally a completely incorrectly formatted END OF FLASHBACK. Not the way to start, my friend.
Oh boy – “Peter is sat” – Really? Patience is leaving me quickly…
Man, oh man…how many mistakes can you make in ½ a page? Really? And the writing is so awkward.
Dialogue is so OTN and unrealistic.
Page 2 – “whatever!” – Huh? Is this an aside? Damn, bro…I may be baling prior to Page 3 and that’s saying a lot, as I’ve done everything in my power to get through each script in its entirety. Let’s see if I can hold on…
Page 3 – OK, I’m sorry, but this dialogue is borderline pisser territory. It’s really bad and I’m out.
Can someone tell Reef Dreamer that the writers pseudonyms are made up by Don and not the actual writer? Sheesh, that has been driving me mad for 2 days, lol.
Um, ok, yeah this was a very ambitious piece and I loved the concept. But it doesn't really come off. Quite a few errors.
But with a decent rewrite, this could become a cool little script.
Well, this one's *pretty* close to a pisser. I give the writer credit for pulling off a tongue-and-cheek wink-wink script using "Peter" as the primary story teller. (I wonder what Mr. B. would think of this tale?)
Competent writing - though I felt that the ending left a bit to be desired. IMO, it tried to be "spiritual" with the shark experience... and then, well, I'm not quite sure what the significance of Peter's scars really were at the end. Was it all an elaborate joke complete with FX makeup? Not sure... and it feels like the writer was purposely going for goofy at that stage.
Can someone tell Reef Dreamer that the writers pseudonyms are made up by Don and not the actual writer? Sheesh, that has been driving me mad for 2 days, lol.
I make up my own pseudonyms... and they're used. I don't think Don would go to all the trouble of inventing individual pseudonyms to any degree of real creativity. It is hard enough listing the title and cut n pasting the logline without adding more to the workload.
OK. I skipped 3 pages of preachy dialogue. I couldn't care less what this wise old guy has to say so early in the story. Wise man say...
Ah, it continues in the same vein during page 4 too. I wonder if the guy will still be talking once the shark chomps down on him. That's if there is a rogue shark in this story.
Well... no. No rogue shark and not even a decent story to make up for it this time.
I make up my own pseudonyms... and they're used. I don't think Don would go to all the trouble of inventing individual pseudonyms to any degree of real creativity. It is hard enough listing the title and cut n pasting the logline without adding more to the workload.
If the script already have a bogus name on the cover page, then Don goes with that name. If the scripts are turned in without a name on it, Don makes them up. If you look at all the "writers' names" you'll see that Don has a theme going. He always does.
If the script already have a bogus name on the cover page, then Don goes with that name. If the scripts are turned in without a name on it, Don makes them up. If you look at all the "writers' names" you'll see that Don has a theme going. He always does.
Ok. I guess it was very difficult for you to deliver us that a "story teller's" imaginative story suddenly awakes when he told his nephew of an imaginative shark attack/boat trip. For me you were successful. I think you repeated so much dialogue to clarify and to put a brake in case of the risk of that visual concept.
The decisions how you balance and challenge such a fanciful concept represent you in a very good light from my view.
For the whole story- there's a yes and a no by now. Those fresh visual concepts would have to go through a development team with lots of hands in the game anyway(for me). You "could" cut the author's reference, that author's have that endless responsibility about their words and replace it with another conflict.
Ambition is what I'm looking for here (at simplys.) and that's what I found in this script.
The script "Shark dreaming" had a very similar vibe and concept. I thought it was a bit/ a bit of a better back-story and character's conflict there. Maybe you want to look out for that script and compare it to the "author's message part" of yours. It's just a taste thing in the end...
I liked the idea that you were aiming for here but it got bogged down a bit from the dialogue at the end. Peter teaches Holden that words are far more dangerous than he realizes and to choose wisely what you say because it could come back to bite you in the ass. Nice lesson, nice setup but the ending felt rushed to me. Why Jayne had no idea that her brother had the scar on his arm is beyond me. Was the scar fake? or real? Good job for one week of writing, just need a little clearing up is all.
6. The Stillness in the Water - An author attempts to teach his nephew the power of stories by recalling a time when a novel he wrote lead to a close encounter with a great white shark. Brief - Uncle Benchley educates his nephew about his regrets for his actions as a writer.
Characters to Animate/Voice - 4 Peter, Holden, shark, Jayne Scenes to Build - 7/6 Open ocean, sailboat movement, dining room, shark fin filled ocean + rotation, boat strike, under the ocean Accessory Visual - average Peter c/u, laptop, switch flip c/u, crate + open, bait fish, scoop, water splash, boys fall into ocean, growing shark fin Accessory Audio - average Ocean waves, wave cutting hull, laptop slide, outboard motor stop, crate open, scoop sling, water splash, boat strike, boat splash, surfacing splash, fin cutting through water
Genre & Marketability - Fantasy drama Script format - Fair Comments - Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature. Dialog’s wooden. Gonna cut out that motor, just pick up where the opening scene left off. Going to skip the ocean of fins rotation. Stupid “bigger boat” quote. The waters surrounding the boat for as far as the eye can see are filled with shark fins. ... HOLDEN Did they attack? The fins? Did the fins attack?! LOL. Oh, wait. You mean like shark fins still attached to sharks, right? Oh, okay. I thought you meant like hacked off dismembered “finned” shark fins filling the ocean. Out on page seven when one more scene to build was added. Producer hat off, reader hat on: The imagery and descriptions are great, the dialog is substandard. Just waaaaay too OTN. Overall it’s kinda good, kinda goofy. Maybe goofy done in a good way that isn’t really entertaining? I dunno. Final word - Pass. Too much production effort for too small a payoff.
10/15 Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute x 9.6 Screenplay Pages = 96/144 Total Build Hours Time Cost
This is certainly charming and I imagine it being an entertaining film. The talk about the responsibilities of a writer grabbed my attention more than the shark teeth (writing is easy, you just take out a piece of paper and open a vein). Anyway, this is a good fish story.
Dialogue needs work. Quick example. Just Peter referring to his nephew as…nephew. He should be calling him by his name, Holden. Or a nickname of such.
Also that bit of dialogue when Peter is telling Holden about the his book and the shark population dropping off by 50 percent. It reads well, but not in dialogue. More like an article in some magazine. Doesn't feel natural. Much of this prevalent throughout.
I see you not so subtly through in that bigger boat reference.
Not enough action too much dialogue. Peters dialogue just runs on and on. Very preachy. Your causing the reader to have some serious disdain toward him.
Jane talking to herself aloud about his scars, and could the story be true or not….take that out completely. Just a puzzled look I think would be fine.
“Carefully, almost delicately, the shark scrapes it’s teeth”….What? That’s your shark attack? Could you have imagined anything LESS threatening. I thought he was gonna’ get his leg chomped off. Give him a fake leg. That could have been your big reveal.
The shark swims away from a misty blood cloud? That should’ve been dinner time.
And then your ending…
He peeks from out the door frame to be like….I’m fuckin wit you…ehh. His little tale was weak to begin with. You should have added some carnage to it.
Overall too much dialogue. Had potential…but fell flat for me.
Wished the 11 year-old would have sounded a little more like an 11 year-old. Especially since he's getting a "talking to" he's likely going to have a little more of a smart-mouth (think an 11 year-old version of any one of us).
Ending also didn't quite the deliver much. Was almost like it didn't know how quite to end.
I know this is crazy - but I was actually hoping for Peter to be telling this story and be dead the whole time - Sixth Sense style.
Compelling approach. The author of JAWS repents for fear created in public.
I like how you suggest social media bullying or online writing affecting others. Some people will believe your fiction. Your lies. So be mindful. Unexpected message with this challenge. Good job. It's interesting to see what happened after book's success
I like the surreal style of flashback, as the young boy is transported by memories. Standing on the boat with pete. Nice image. This cautionary tale has some good dialogue, like.. what suicidal folly
Strong image with boat surrounded by fins after pete apologizes. His prayers heard?
No need for bigger boat reference here. Kinda out of place, tonally.
Cool. Holden is so mesmerized by story, although not really there, he feels the need to fight the waves and drowning. Very compelling way to show this. Interesting that Pete feels he deserves to be killed by shark. And perhaps repent?
I like how he decides to protect oceans, his death would have made sharks an even bigger horror story. Interesting.
Nice work with sister thinking it's another of Pete's stories. No. It's worse. Chilling stuff there. Also really cool that jayne travls into story as well. I wonder how she never saw scar before? Does he hide it?
I like the musical sting from jaws joke. It makes me think John Williams is more responsible for all the fear of sharks. Not Pete.
I also like the open ended nature. Perhaps this injury happened differently. Pete just can't contain his desire to scare people. He's always telling a tall tale.
Interesting concept. Good visuals. Stylish flashbacks. Goo pacing. Uneven tone.
It's odd that this exciting because of narration and not the action. Good job there. After all this is about the power and emotion in words. And the effect they have on others.
First up – Stillness in the Water = One of the original name ideas for the book Jaws – no-one picked up on that so I’m pointing it out so you know how clever I am.
Dakuwaqa - In Fijian mythology this is a shark-god. I was hoping using a shark god’s name would bring me good fortune but I forgot to sacrifice some virgins.
I had the idea and wanted to take part in this OWC but I knew the only time I’d have to write it was Thursday night. So I did some research but wrote it in one 4 hour session. I knew it would need work, just wish I’d have worked on it all week to do it more justice, especially now considering the quality of the other entries. However it’s still been a pleasure to take part in this impressive OWC.
STORY
Peter Benchley (author of Jaws) is chatting to his Nephew Holden at the request of his Sister Jayne. Holden has been writing some pretty dark, angry stuff on the internet and his mother is worried.
The story takes place around the turn of the century (coz Peter went and expired himself in 2006) hence the old laptop and Modem reference.
Peter decided to tell a tale that’s part truth, part imagined to Holden to demonstrate the potential power of words. He details the negative impact his book ‘Jaws’ had on sharks and how it lead to a very spiritual encounter with a rogue great white shark, which in turn inspired Peter to become an Ocean Advocate.
Peter is such a powerful storyteller Holden can see the images of Peter’s encounters in his head and feels his is alongside him on the boat as he tells the tale.
At the end, Peter drops a hint to his sister that there may be more truth to the tale than she thought.
Partially based on truth, Peter did indeed regret the impact of Jaws and he did encounter a Great White Shark which ‘evacuated its bowels’ all over him and swam off instead of eating him. It was this encounter which made him start to think his initial impression of these sharks maybe wrong.
Starts with a flashback. Hang on. It's not started yet. How can you flash back? R
Thanks for the feedback Ren and the humor, I always smile at your comments. A few of you picked up on this and rightly so. I didn’t want to start with just Peter and Holden talking, I know talking puts some people off so instead I wanted to visualise Peter remembering a time when he went out to see some Great White Sharks AND for him to start thinking up the story he’s about to tell Holden.
There’s many TV shows and films that start off with a Flashforward and then they do the dramatic SUPER of “TWO DAYS EARLIER” or something so why not start off why a Flashback? Just coz it’s not been done before doesn’t mean it can’t if the story was right.
And it’s not strictly a flashback, it’s a memory mixed with imagination. If anyone has any ideas how to get that across better, like a Vulcan I’m all ears.
And yet you know at some point some big director is going to start off a movie with a flashback and then everyone is going to be scrambling to do it. WELL I DID IT FIRST! Lol!
I agree with comments above. The dialogue is on the nose, awkward writing, and a heart felt story.
The bit at the end was great, the on the nose dialogue almost helped it, ironically. Sorry I don't have more, good effort. Johnny
Thanks Jonny. A few picked up on the dialogue. I agree it needs a polish but I also think guy telling a kid a story is going to have some on the nose dialogue as a natural part of the story telling don’t you think?
I don't believe a word of what Peter says since it's so damn outrageous. You have the be a real big hick to go around and kill sharks after reading a book, can hicks even read? This just plain makes no sense, did we get an influx of serial killers after American Psycho was published? Of course not. Seriously considering about stopping here, which is very rare for me with a short.
I understand nawazm11. If you don’t buy into a premise it’s very hard to take the rest of it seriously. Thanks for reading through anyway and providing feedback, it’s appreciated. However as someone else already pointed out it is widely established his book had a profound impact on the world’s perception of sharks and there was negative impact that continues to this day. Peter did indeed spend his life trying to make up for this and did state several times his regrets.
"Stood next to him, figuratively speaking, is Holden." What? So he's not there? Why mention it if he's not there? Another reason why asides get a bad rap.
I was hoping people would be able to figure out that Peter is telling Holden a story (which is why Peter is in it) and the person he’s telling the story to is there to watch it, figuratively speaking as in ‘not literally’ there. Peter is such a good story teller and Holden has such a good imagination it’s as if he’s there with Peter reliving the memories.
He must be a damn smart 11 year old if he can understand that nonsense...
Don’t underestimate kids – they grow up so fast these days. I had my own 11 year old boy read the script and he had no problem at all. He thinks its ace and should win this OWC but he may be bias. He wants me to write a Batman script with him next.
The cheese definitely kills the story. Things are a little too happy go lucky, especially if you take into account the source material. In real life, despite putting a lot of effort in and having his heart in the right place, Peter never really undid the damage before he died. So to write a story based on that where everything is honky-dory at the end feels false. This probably should’ve been a bit more wistful and contemplative than what you’ve got here, and as such needs a substantial revision to set right. But I think a biographical take on Benchley could go pretty far. A man who comes to see his greatest success as his greatest failure is Oscar bait in the right hands.
I contemplated making it more moody & depressing but in the end my research on the guy didn’t point to him being that defeated by life at all. He seemed like a fighter and never stopped his work, plus he’s teaching his 11 year old nephew the morals and responsibility of storytelling.
I didn’t want Holden to slit his wrists at the end or to burst into tears. He needed to be wowed by the power of the story, not had the fear of god put in him. But yes it could have been more broody and I agree a Benchley biography could be excellent.
I see people got Benchley pretty quick, good calls. I zoned out when I got the p$sstake angle, but then thought maybe if it'd been taken seriously it could have been quite good. I guess you know that both Gottlieb & Benchley where characters in the film? Probably based it on that. Interesting take though, just maybe deserved a little bit more to it? Maybe not. I don't know.
Sorry if you thought this was a pisser, not my intention. I had no idea Benchley was in the film though, as himself? Not sure who Gottlieb is – seems like I should have researched Jaws more instead of Peter Benchley lol!
Quoted from Dreamscale
HULK SMASH! Congrats on entering!
Thanks Dreamscale lol! Sorry you didn’t like it at all. Seriously though if you could give me some pointers and examples of where I’m going wrong that would be appreciated. I know my writing needs work and I struggle to get my thoughts across adequately in word format so any help is welcome.
The rest of the comments where in a similar vein and I’m glad some liked it and could see the potential in the story.
A special shout out to PrussianMosby and the final comment by Last Fountain in particular. Sometimes I think I’ve got no potential and I’m deluding myself; particularly when people read the script and don’t get it at all. You two seemed to really get what I was aiming for and could see the vision I imagined in my head when I wrote this so thank you for giving this amateur some hope!
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