SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:56am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Retrieval - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Retrieval - OWC  (currently 4084 views)
Last Fountain
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 12:11am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Ottawa
Posts
195
Posts Per Day
0.05
Pulpy with some good action.

Nice start. You lulled me in with the couple banter. Then hit me with an action sting. A boat comes racing in with a gun wielding maniac.  Pretty inticing. I'd consider trimming the couple's dialogue.  

Great character intro with Zed. The man with the gun. The description here reminded me of Shane black.  Check his scripts for great descriptions. Even though a lot of details weren't "show me" style I still loved them. These details instantly formed strong images for me.

Great pulpy dialogue too. Zed was very obnoxious. His cruel intentions juxtaposed with sarcastic humour.  Dark stuff.

I like when you cutaway to pete regaining consciousness. I wonder if he'd look for Lana first though. It'd be intense to see him panic and search for answers. Then first aid.

I think you should mention zed can't swim. Maybe Lana points it, insulting him. By the way, I like that even though she is captive she doesn't cower. She stands up to zed initially. She isn't scared, instead she insults him right away. Really creepy implications when zed says, I like your tan. Got me freaked. It's suggestive. And reminds me he's a pyscho. Good job with this bastard.

Consider keeping that Tarantino pulpy vibe by not revealing what's in the stash. Instead zed just tosses the knife. I wish the shark attack was more elaborate. As is, there was a good amount of tension and gore. Focus some more on the challenge parameter of the shark and exploit the attack more. And her struggle surviving. Maybe zed misses with the gun a few times? Although,  I did like the shock value of shoots gun. Then find out not at Lana,  but shark.

The end felt out of place. For me, you established zed as such a bad ass it was quite a turn of heart. Maybe embellish his psychotic behaviour. Schizo with a nice side. Show it come out earlier, or hint at it, so end isn't so jarring. It just tied together so neatly, too quickly.

Connsider a more shocking and intense end. Maybe pete comes to the rescue like the cliche. Or it plays as is. And when pete pulls lana into the boat. She looks at him, determined, bloody, she says, "After him!"

Good dialogue. Good flavour. Good descriptions. Good action. Good premise. Lackluster ending.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 15 - 20
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 9:27am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
The banter at the beginning was an attempt to get us to know and like the characters but it didn’t work for me, it seemed forced and unnatural.

I liked the other boat ramming them, that came out of no-where and surprised me in a good way.

So Zed’s a psycho - *sigh*

I presume Zed and the stash are references to Pulp Fiction, ok that’s fine, but you want me to buy it that Zed’s supposed to be a psycho with a conscious and also is stupid enough to leave his victims behind so they can identify him? That’s a bit too much.

But the ending isn’t what I expected and I suppose that’s a good thing, plus you met the entry criteria.

Congratulations on entering the OWC.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 20
DV44
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.12
Kind of had that Dead Calm feel to it. Psycopath kidnaps wife, husband is stranded, husband boards sailboat, husband finally rescues wife at the end but in your story the bad guy gets away. Kudos to you for that. The writing was ok for me, felt the dialogue could have been better in certain spots. A bit unbelievable that Lana would carry on a conversation with Zed knowing that her husband had been left for dead. I would think she would be crying or maybe just shut down completely and not talk to Zed. Just my opinion. I actually like the plot, smuggler kidnaps woman to help recover money from a rogue shark. Great idea but the story needs a little polishing.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 20
Grey
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
Nothing really happens in the first two pages. That whole scene with Lana and Pete and the cell phone could go away. Start in the action or at least give us something going on with our characters that will make us feel something. Lana was whiny and just not likable...I didn't care when she was kidnapped. I didn't care much about Pete floating unconscious either. Sorry. And then Lana just talks back and forth with her kidnapper. She doesn't even seem concerned about her husband.

What is a go-fast boat? And what does this mean: Lana cranks her neck??

At the end when Pete comes back to Lana's rescue I was totally confused. I thought he was knocking out, floating in the water? Sorry, this story needs a lot of work for me to buy into it. Good on you for completing a one week challenge.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 20
RayW
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
17. Retrieval - A smuggler kidnaps a newlywed to assist him in recovering his loot, which is guarded by a rogue shark.
Brief - Tropical honeymooners, boat crash, kidnaped, forced to dive w shark to get cash coffin.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Lana, Pete, Zed, shark
Scenes to Build  - 6
Sailboat on ocean, boat crash 2x, speed boat on ocean, tropical cliff cave 2x,
Accessory Visual - 27
Phone, snorkel, fins, jumps in, water splash, foot kiss, approaching boat, bull horn, injured Pete floating, Lana bound, Pete bandaging wound 3x, corpse floater, hook, chain, cranking, coffin onto boat + open, shoot off lock, Jack, cash bundles, knife in mud, Jack roll over, shark pull under, water spray, dead shark
Accessory Audio - 12
Ocean waves, big + little splash, kiss, crash, speed boat engine roar, winch cranking, coffin onto boat thud, gunshot, cash plop, knife in mud, motor rev, water spray,

Genre & Marketability - Adventure drama
Script format - 3
Comments  -  That boat crash is gonna be a PITA. I don’t understand the point of the change of scenery for that first Zed-Lana convo. This is a nice little adventure drama, kinda serious for what I’m looking for, thus likely won’t be able to use it, reaching for producer hat…
Well… that’s kinduva abrupt ending, can’t think of a better one, though.
     It’s not really a “rogue shark attack” story, though, is it? More like a kidnapping smuggler in a pinch story - with a shark involved! Sigh...
     Production wise, all those accessory visual elements are really hurting the otherwise favorable gross score.
Hem… haw...
Final word - Pass. It’s too serious a story for me to do anything with. It’s decent enough, not great, kinda cliché, but well told. Lousy ending, though.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.5          Screenplay Pages
= 95/143     Total Build Hours Time Cost



Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 20
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 8:10am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
I think some of you figured me out early on anyway. I will be revising in the days to come. In my previous comment to myself is most likely what I will add and/or subtract. The Pulp Fiction reference was co-incidental. Pete showing up in everyone else's script was a;so coincidence. His name will probably change (I'm assuming "Pete" was used by others in a nod to Jaws author Peter Benchley. Me? I just thought up a name that I haven't used before in any of my past scripts and something easy to remember)


Quoted from Grey


What is a go-fast boat?



A go-fast is a small speed boat. They are also called cigarette boats. They are recreational but can be usind for racing. They also happen to be a favored choice for various smugglers due to being hard to track on radar.


Quoted from DV44

Kind of had that Dead Calm feel to it


Freaking loved that movie,. And when Pete was left behind,,,yeah. Swap him with Nicole Kidman looking for Sam Neill...yes, there was some light inspiratiuon, I'll cop to it. Originally when I started the script, Pete was also captive and knocked out. When I wrote that Zed was a psycho, that was a hold over. He was originally going to put Pete's arm in the water and have Lana watch as the shark took a nibble. No joke. But the scene didn't work. Pete was passive. Zed kept turning his back on Lana. How did he get two people into the boat tied up. etc etc.

So I thought it would make more sense if Pete was left behind for dead. This also helped break up the narrative a bit with an A story and a B story.

Zed leaves some loot with Lana. And a knife. Some had issues with this. That's what I saw though. He's actually toying with her, daring her to strike back. His reason is that he hopes to kill the shark who killed his partner. Leaving a small amount of money behind is a drop in the bucket to him. When I go back I might alter it just a little to make it more clear.


Quoted from RayW
That boat crash is gonna be a PITA

You're right. It's altered in the re-write. Zed has a gun after all....


Quoted Text
"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone" - Al Capone


I did put in some thought into my own entry, but I have to admit...when the PDF link accident happened I was very tempted to let it stand. I couldn't stop laughing. Here's the frackin' genius who propsed this OWC! and he uses a bad pun and calls the script "Retrieval"

Thanks to all who took the time
-DjS








"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  April 15th, 2014, 8:46am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 20 - 20
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April 2014 One Week Challange  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006