Retrieval by Darren J Seeley - Short, Shark - A smuggler kidnaps a newlywed to assist him in recovering his loot, which is guarded by a rogue shark. 12 pages - pdf, format

This one appears to be just a title page.

Post modernism minimalist art gone even madder perhaps?

I dug this one.

Retrieval gives us a feel for the brevity of life and how easy it is for our own 'title page" to be gone in a flash.

I did however, see the ending coming...

Shawn.....><

Or perhaps just showing off the clever pseudonym.

Perhaps!

But I felt this one.

I wept!

shawn.....><

Quickest read yet!

Seriously, whoever wrote this contact Don. Maybe it'll get up there...
Other option is for this thread to go bye-bye
Otherwise, it's a GREAT title! Very ironic!

Link to script fixed.

Don

First paragraph is awkward, seems like a newer writer.

No need to put those useless asides there. Waste of three lines.

Writing is so bland and lacking any real visuals. Needs a rework or at least some actual depth.

Description of Zed makes little to no sense. Confusing more than anything.

They talked for 2 pages about taking a picture? Like really? Wow...

Take a good look at who? What the hell was happening with that cave scene?

Page 6, I have literally no clue where we're at and what they're talking about.

Not a fan here, thought the writing took a lot away from the script. How am I meant to get excited about a shark attack when we're presented with less than 5 words of description. It's not visual either, and I'd suggest trying to add a little more meat to your writing. The story doesn't make sense either, and you take too long to get into it. You could easily cut this down to 5 pages. I was lost after the 6th page and that's obviously a bad sign.

Code ZED, (30s) the man with the gun. Hawaiian shirt and hardcore attitude to go with it. His rage shows in his crazy eyes. Who knows what this psycho is capable of doing. [b]Even he don’t.[/b]

Watch out for those types of asides. This isn't working. Also, with the rest of your action lines, I'm getting the vibe that you're almost afraid to write them. Maybe because English isn't your first language and you're afraid of this getting picked up... or maybe scared of revealing your particular style... whatever it is, it's not making the read go well. There is a lot missing.

An action story that has some good elements, but needs a lot of work.

Well, there were spelling and grammar issues throughout but the story was pretty good. I was pleasantly surprised because honestly, it started out a little hokey. Lana and Pete's banter went on a bit long and was getting annoying. But I'm glad I stuck this one out because it was pretty good. I enjoyed it.

Nice job on this OWC!!

Pg. 5 - Pete's dialog should be (VO)
Pg. 7 - You call Lana "Lara" twice in the action.

It appears to have got longer. Unabridged at last.

To suntan? Is that like Olympians medal? I unlike it.

Sparse writing. Some of the dialogue is okay. But a lot of it feels like filler and somewhat forced.

I've not seen a Zed since Pulp Fiction.

Have to agree with nawazm11 on a lot of points. It was way too sparse in places for it to work. It reads fast but at a cost to high to your story.

R

Lana vs Lara. Choose one, stick with it.
One slug has a lower case C.
The opening with Pete and -I'll go with Lana since it's more common in script- it's alright but should have been a little shorter. She comes off as a little nagging. I would have thought more better of it if the iPhone became more of a plot device rather than a Maguffin or Pete did come up with a small baby squid and got his bride to pucker up. Hey, back in the teaser thread I did say it could be romantic, right? Oh well.

I would not have minded a page or brief scene showing Jack's demise. Yes, you could show a dead body and it wouldn't count as a character, but it would have made for a nice cold open I think.There still would have been only four speaking characters.

I didn''t hate the script. Good use of the shark, Good surprise at the end too. Everything points to a predictable outcome where I expected...you know...

Quoted Text "Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead." - Pulp Fiction

***SPOILER***

Bit Zed not only gets to kill and/or wound the shark, but gets away! Not a bad thing, because there is a beat or two that suggests Lana didn't make it either by shark or Zed shooting her too. That's what I loved about the script most of all. It wasn't predictable. So much so that I think this may have been a regular at SS and you were (as someone else pointed out) trying to hide your style but perhaps it could have also finding the right groove. Once things got to the cave, the read zipped by.

I'd polish it up.
-DjS

Ok a few writing issues as we go along and I'm not sold on the dialogue or the go faster boat

I did like the slugline with.   cAVE

I don't mind the abbriavted writing, many pro's use it, but sometimes it feels harsh.

The ending seemed unlikely.

A man kidnaps a woman, forces her to swim down past a shark, he dead friend alongside, all for some illegal cash which then decides to share and save her...I struggled with that reversal.

Kidnapping someone to swim past a shark for some booty is fine, not a bad idea, but I feel it needs a bit more. The scenes with the husband and his phone etc seemed to go on too long since they don't form a core part to the story.

All the best

Agh...this is a tough one to review.

I'm not too sure, but the deadline might of had this writer rushin'. I can say without a doubt the premise (once figured out) is good. Most would probably say the writing is horrible, but I think the presentation outweighs it. That and the dialogue.

Get to the premise sooner. I appreciated the playful buildup to an extent, but after that it either needs to have bearing on the conclusion, or it needs to be brief. The dialogue is not so good. But cleaning that up shouldn't be difficult. Even less dialogue would suit the story. When you write a skinny page, the dialogue is expected to be above average.

Not a way to end a story, thought there was a twist headed in.

Best of luck rewriting, it's a story that's worthy of one.

Johnny

Intriguing log lone.

There's nothing hardcore about a Hawaiin shirt.

This one got better as it went along. Still not overly excited about it. I would bulk up the descriptors a bit. Give us a better sense of what's going on.

Straight up C for me. Not terrible, not amazing IMO. Congrats on the entry.

Pulpy with some good action.

Nice start. You lulled me in with the couple banter. Then hit me with an action sting. A boat comes racing in with a gun wielding maniac.  Pretty inticing. I'd consider trimming the couple's dialogue.  

Great character intro with Zed. The man with the gun. The description here reminded me of Shane black.  Check his scripts for great descriptions. Even though a lot of details weren't "show me" style I still loved them. These details instantly formed strong images for me.

Great pulpy dialogue too. Zed was very obnoxious. His cruel intentions juxtaposed with sarcastic humour.  Dark stuff.

I like when you cutaway to pete regaining consciousness. I wonder if he'd look for Lana first though. It'd be intense to see him panic and search for answers. Then first aid.

I think you should mention zed can't swim. Maybe Lana points it, insulting him. By the way, I like that even though she is captive she doesn't cower. She stands up to zed initially. She isn't scared, instead she insults him right away. Really creepy implications when zed says, I like your tan. Got me freaked. It's suggestive. And reminds me he's a pyscho. Good job with this bastard.

Consider keeping that Tarantino pulpy vibe by not revealing what's in the stash. Instead zed just tosses the knife. I wish the shark attack was more elaborate. As is, there was a good amount of tension and gore. Focus some more on the challenge parameter of the shark and exploit the attack more. And her struggle surviving. Maybe zed misses with the gun a few times? Although,  I did like the shock value of shoots gun. Then find out not at Lana,  but shark.

The end felt out of place. For me, you established zed as such a bad ass it was quite a turn of heart. Maybe embellish his psychotic behaviour. Schizo with a nice side. Show it come out earlier, or hint at it, so end isn't so jarring. It just tied together so neatly, too quickly.

Connsider a more shocking and intense end. Maybe pete comes to the rescue like the cliche. Or it plays as is. And when pete pulls lana into the boat. She looks at him, determined, bloody, she says, "After him!"

Good dialogue. Good flavour. Good descriptions. Good action. Good premise. Lackluster ending.

The banter at the beginning was an attempt to get us to know and like the characters but it didn’t work for me, it seemed forced and unnatural.

I liked the other boat ramming them, that came out of no-where and surprised me in a good way.

So Zed’s a psycho - *sigh*

I presume Zed and the stash are references to Pulp Fiction, ok that’s fine, but you want me to buy it that Zed’s supposed to be a psycho with a conscious and also is stupid enough to leave his victims behind so they can identify him? That’s a bit too much.

But the ending isn’t what I expected and I suppose that’s a good thing, plus you met the entry criteria.

Congratulations on entering the OWC.

Mark

Kind of had that Dead Calm feel to it. Psycopath kidnaps wife, husband is stranded, husband boards sailboat, husband finally rescues wife at the end but in your story the bad guy gets away. Kudos to you for that. The writing was ok for me, felt the dialogue could have been better in certain spots. A bit unbelievable that Lana would carry on a conversation with Zed knowing that her husband had been left for dead. I would think she would be crying or maybe just shut down completely and not talk to Zed. Just my opinion. I actually like the plot, smuggler kidnaps woman to help recover money from a rogue shark. Great idea but the story needs a little polishing.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Nothing really happens in the first two pages. That whole scene with Lana and Pete and the cell phone could go away. Start in the action or at least give us something going on with our characters that will make us feel something. Lana was whiny and just not likable...I didn't care when she was kidnapped. I didn't care much about Pete floating unconscious either. Sorry. And then Lana just talks back and forth with her kidnapper. She doesn't even seem concerned about her husband.

What is a go-fast boat? And what does this mean: Lana cranks her neck??

At the end when Pete comes back to Lana's rescue I was totally confused. I thought he was knocking out, floating in the water? Sorry, this story needs a lot of work for me to buy into it. Good on you for completing a one week challenge.  

17. Retrieval - A smuggler kidnaps a newlywed to assist him in recovering his loot, which is guarded by a rogue shark.
Brief - Tropical honeymooners, boat crash, kidnaped, forced to dive w shark to get cash coffin.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Lana, Pete, Zed, shark
Scenes to Build  - 6
Sailboat on ocean, boat crash 2x, speed boat on ocean, tropical cliff cave 2x,
Accessory Visual - 27
Phone, snorkel, fins, jumps in, water splash, foot kiss, approaching boat, bull horn, injured Pete floating, Lana bound, Pete bandaging wound 3x, corpse floater, hook, chain, cranking, coffin onto boat + open, shoot off lock, Jack, cash bundles, knife in mud, Jack roll over, shark pull under, water spray, dead shark
Accessory Audio - 12
Ocean waves, big + little splash, kiss, crash, speed boat engine roar, winch cranking, coffin onto boat thud, gunshot, cash plop, knife in mud, motor rev, water spray,

Genre & Marketability - Adventure drama
Script format - 3
Comments  -  That boat crash is gonna be a PITA. I don’t understand the point of the change of scenery for that first Zed-Lana convo. This is a nice little adventure drama, kinda serious for what I’m looking for, thus likely won’t be able to use it, reaching for producer hat…
Well… that’s kinduva abrupt ending, can’t think of a better one, though.
     It’s not really a “rogue shark attack” story, though, is it? More like a kidnapping smuggler in a pinch story - with a shark involved! Sigh...
     Production wise, all those accessory visual elements are really hurting the otherwise favorable gross score.
Hem… haw...
Final word - Pass. It’s too serious a story for me to do anything with. It’s decent enough, not great, kinda cliché, but well told. Lousy ending, though.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.5          Screenplay Pages
= 95/143     Total Build Hours Time Cost

I think some of you figured me out early on anyway. I will be revising in the days to come. In my previous comment to myself is most likely what I will add and/or subtract. The Pulp Fiction reference was co-incidental. Pete showing up in everyone else's script was a;so coincidence. His name will probably change (I'm assuming "Pete" was used by others in a nod to Jaws author Peter Benchley. Me? I just thought up a name that I haven't used before in any of my past scripts and something easy to remember)

Quoted from Grey What is a go-fast boat?

A go-fast is a small speed boat. They are also called cigarette boats. They are recreational but can be usind for racing. They also happen to be a favored choice for various smugglers due to being hard to track on radar.

Quoted from DV44 Kind of had that Dead Calm feel to it

Freaking loved that movie,. And when Pete was left behind,,,yeah. Swap him with Nicole Kidman looking for Sam Neill...yes, there was some light inspiratiuon, I'll cop to it. Originally when I started the script, Pete was also captive and knocked out. When I wrote that Zed was a psycho, that was a hold over. He was originally going to put Pete's arm in the water and have Lana watch as the shark took a nibble. No joke. But the scene didn't work. Pete was passive. Zed kept turning his back on Lana. How did he get two people into the boat tied up. etc etc.

So I thought it would make more sense if Pete was left behind for dead. This also helped break up the narrative a bit with an A story and a B story.

Zed leaves some loot with Lana. And a knife. Some had issues with this. That's what I saw though. He's actually toying with her, daring her to strike back. His reason is that he hopes to kill the shark who killed his partner. Leaving a small amount of money behind is a drop in the bucket to him. When I go back I might alter it just a little to make it more clear.

Quoted from RayW That boat crash is gonna be a PITA

You're right. It's altered in the re-write. Zed has a gun after all....

Quoted Text "You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone" - Al Capone

I did put in some thought into my own entry, but I have to admit...when the PDF link accident happened I was very tempted to let it stand. I couldn't stop laughing. Here's the frackin' genius who propsed this OWC! and he uses a bad pun and calls the script "Retrieval"

Thanks to all who took the time
-DjS