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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Terror At Sea - OWC
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  Author    Terror At Sea - OWC  (currently 3719 views)
Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Terror At Sea by OWC - Short, Shark - It was supposed to be a day of fun on the ocean but as one family quickly learns...the ocean has many secrets. - pdf, format


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Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Link has been fixed.

Don


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Ledbetter
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Although this is a pretty decent story, Sam needs to be a little older.

13 just seems too young for her charector. Don't get me wrong, the subject matter doesn't bother me. It just seems the girl herself and the dialog belongs to a girl in her mid teens. 15 or 16 would work perfect IMO.

Killing him with a snail was a bit off as well. It seemed as though the shark was left as a clean up and not a center point of the story. In fact, there was hardly any "sharkness" to this.

It was a good story. I think you need to bring Ol Sharky to the front of the story though.

Great job for a week!!!

Shawn.....><
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Good job continually raising the stakes. Nick's character is drawn out, but it's anything but beautiful. There are some great psychological angles being worked here. An uncomfortable situation for both Sam and the reader. You've make Sam someone to root for by default, but what if there was more?

Even when it made me nauseous at times, it was good it wasn't taken to extremes. Nice effort.

Johnny
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, I liked this. Nick has a lot on his mind though. He jabbers on a lot. But there's a bit of suspense going on here. Script could be tighter, but for a OWC, it's not bad. If there's any issue I really have it is stuff like this


Quoted Text
Nick unties the collar from Sam's neck, picks her up and
carries her to the --

INT. FISHING VESSEL - CABIN - NIGHT
Opens the door, pushes her inside.

NICK
Get your rest. Got a long day ahead of you.

He closes the door.


I know it's an old screenwriting tool to feel like an unbroken take. But it doesn't have the same effect as a subhead. You are going from an EXT to an INT. It actually reads better if...


Quoted Text
Nick unties the collar from Sam's neck, picks her up and
carries her,
-
INT. FISHING VESSEL - CABIN - NIGHT
Pushes her inside.

NICK
Get your rest. Got a long day ahead of you.

He closes the door.


A good job overall though.
-DjS


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stevie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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This was not bad. Started well and with no inkling of the carnage to follow.

The super hinted at where it was as any Jaws fan should know.

Sort of a downer story but competently written.

Give it a 6.5



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rendevous
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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I always it find it hard to read a story when then some of the characters are so briefly described. I forget who is who. It may be Alzheimer's, early onset obviously. Or not.

Now where was I? And who are you?

I wasn't quite convinced by the snail. And 'chum' made me wonder if I'd forgotten a character. It's a pet food as far I know. Or what posher types call their friends.

I'll look it up. Ah, so it can be fish bait. If you'd have called it fish bait that would have saved me oooh, seconds. Or I could look at it as I learned something new. Which I will.

Still, every subsequent mention had me thinking for a moment - why's he doing that with dog food? But that's my fault.

The stakes raise as it goes along. I liked the end. Quite a bit too. Worked pretty well.

R



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Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  April 7th, 2014, 10:43pm
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nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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Cape cod, nice location, I'm planning to use it for one of my later features.

When reading the rules, they came across to me as you should ONLY have four characters. And that's including crowds and such. Not a cheat per say but it takes away the spirit of the contest since quite a few writers, me included, avoided putting big bunches of people for this reason.

Second paragraph is fragmented and doesn't read nicely, you're writing two different statements in one sentence.

"Without warning -- the boat swings in a tailspin catapulting
Jenny twenty feet overboard." Wait, what? 6 meters?  That must be a HUGE spin.

So, Sam was raped? Not very clear, it's a fucked up thing to say but it would evoke a better reaction from the reader if we saw at least when he makes a move on her. Very unclear at this moment, too repetitive, why doesn't he just do it when he first locks her in the room?

Nick is a psychopath -- and I don't mean that in a good way. WTF is wrong with him, it's comical the way he's going about this. Trying to dance with her before he rapes her? Where's the common sense in that? Not a good move on your part, writer. You could've cut down 5 pages if you just skipped all that non sense.

I think you overestimate how strong a 13 year old girl can be. Even I'd have trouble trying to throw a full grown 6 foot man overboard.

Well, the writing needs work. Dialogue was okay, could've been a lot better. Definitely not a terrible script, not very good either. Had its highs and lows. Unlike most of the other entries, you actually tried to milk out the tension in the scene so this was a little different to your boring and typical shark attack tale. Nick made this worse than it should be. Sound effort.

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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Another dark gratuitous fantasy with an insane character. What's wrong with you people? lol!

I’m not fussed about the crowds, to me crowds are not characters but background to a scene so in a sense it fits the parameters of the challenge, but that’s just my opinion.  

It was written well and I could follow it all clearly. I too doubt a 13 year old girl could throw an adult body overboard.

Death by sea snail seems kind of weak but to be honest I was just glad he was killed and didn’t care how by that point.

You completed and entered the owc so well done for that.

Mark


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mmmarnie
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Poor Sam, Mom and Grandpa shark food, then...Nick. Ugh.

Nick was a good villain although maybe a tad over the top.

I thought the snail thing was odd when first intro'd. Same gathered shells and inadvertently picked up a deadly cone snail.  Now having spent LOTS of time on Cape Cod myself, I had to look this up and Cone Snails are located in Pacific waters. Just a little FYI. Also a peace of mind for myself next time I step into the Atlantic.   But it worked for your story since Sam throws it at Nick.

As for Sam...there were things that worked and things that didn't. Shedding a tear over a dead fish she's had for 2 minutes...not thinking a 13 year old would do that.  Dragging Nick's body and tossing him overboard, unlikely. But I do like the idea of a teen girl prevailing.

Solid effort for this OWC.


boop
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Too unbelievable for me this one. How did a thirteen-year-old girl drag a fully grown man anywhere, let alone lift him up and throw him overboard. It just wouldn't be possible without the guy helping her along. Be hard enough for a man to do it, a young girl would have no chance at all.

Not only that but the whole plot seems off. The guy goes to all the trouble of putting chum on someone's boat just so that it will be attacked by sharks, and only the parents will be killed, obviously... and he's done it before... Too much trouble when he could kidnap a kid from anywhere.

Written well, but the story is extremely weak.
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ReneC
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Bit of a mixed bag for me. The writing's pretty good, but it felt a bit rushed, falling into clumsy and awkward at times.

I love the setup. The initial shark attacks work so well, and the horror of the girl witnessing it all was gut-wrenching. I was so looking forward to a 13 year old stranded on a dead boat with a shark in the water that the twist was actually a huge disappointment.

I don't buy that the shark was being used as a means to target specific people. Nice idea, but doesn't make sense, at least not how it's explained here. Certainly not as elaborate as baiting the boat, and following them without being noticed? Thin, very thin.

If the point here is to thrust us into uncomfortable territory, you need to commit. The girl gets raped, like immediately. We don't need to see it, but we need to KNOW it happened. That said, I don't like the whole Nick angle as I mentioned so it wouldn't matter for my personal taste.

Mostly I wondered why Nick kept the fish bowl. Certainly not sentiment, so what's it doing on the boat? I don't mind death-by-snail, though slapping him while HOLDING the snail would make it a more active kill and totally believable, even triumphant.

Good writing, doesn't work for me.


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SAC
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Pretty good effort for a week. Your actions were written well, and there was good visualization throughout. I enjoyed how this did a complete 360 and turned everything up to that point on its ear.

As one commenter noted, the girl could have been older. Perhaps instead of her mother and grandfather you could have substituted a boyfriend who maybe was forced to watch the indignities forced upon our heroine. Either way it makes for an interesting read. The killer snail was a clever device. Never would have thought of that. You apparently did a bit of research. I never knew a snail could kill.

Or perhaps it can't? Had me fooled.

Anyway, pretty decent tale. Congrats on getting this written.

Steve


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Grey
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Ok with a title like Terror at Sea, I was hoping you’d start with something tone setting to be honest instead of a family day at the beach.

Sam does not sound like any thirteen year old I’ve ever been around. She speaks more to her parents and grand like she is around five.

Then by midway through, we finally have some sort of shark attack. Then Sam wakes up in a cabin with bars and Nick? What? So I guess it’s some sort of kidnapping?

“Sam stares for a moment. Smiling. Dawn breaks over the
horizon. The nightmare is finally over... She's alive.”  I just can’t buy this. I’m sorry.

This one needs a lot of work in my opinion. I don’t care about any of the characters at all. Sorry.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Title - not sure why but this doesn't do much for me. Seems a little melodramatic, but lets see...

Until nick turns up I was thinking this was all very predictable and familiar

It then went all extra nasty, the whole thing a set up. Somehow he placed fish next to the boat, cut the engine and just about summoned a shark.

Being trapped aboard a boat with a mad man feeding sharks is a very intense place and that alone could work. Will she live extra. The poisonous snail wasn't a bad idea. The family episode before then into the boat seemed too much.

Got potential.


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