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Nice find on the cone snail. I’ll be sure to avoid them.
I feel like you’re missing out on some potential tension by skipping forward to John already in the water.
Why would Jenny stop swimming? I wouldn’t.
Pg. 6 “Not the good kind!” This kind of interjection in the scene you’ve created is inappropriate. It makes me think you’re enjoying this and it’s testing my patience.
Pg. 8 Alright, you’ve got different angle on Nick here, so that’s nice. I’ll admit I prefer my psychopaths to be charming.
I pictured Sam to be too small to drag Nick anywhere.
And at the last line, is this a Jaws prequel?
This showed some inventiveness. I don’t think Nick’s “chum-boat” plan makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe he’s like the Joker and he just creates chaos to exploit the results, but there’s no way he could know that Sam wouldn’t get eaten by the shark as well.
I could see the cone snail coming back. I thought it was a little convenient that it would just be there when she woke up, but the whole ‘Nick the Romancer’ thing kind of covers it. All in all, not too bad
Pretty easy read out of the gate. I’m with you so far…
Page 2 – Little writing issues here and there, but nothing all that major.
Page 3 – Still with you. Writing’s easy and for the most part, pretty good. I also like the characters and the cone snail - but are tehy really located around Amity?
Page 4 – 20 feet? Really? First real issue is right here as this doesn’t fly with me.
This isn’t a great page for sure. The shark just took grandpa seconds ago, now it’s taking Jenny as well? You really need more time in between attacks to make them more tension filled.
“ Big mistake! She's pulled under. Gone forever.” – I agree – BIG MISTAKE to add crap like this, when the writing was so nice before it.
Page 5 – Another aside and a completely different tone all of a sudden – not a good move, IMO.
“…how are you’re gonna help me.” – Obvious mistake here, but more importantly, I can tell the writing’s falling apart at this point – rushed, not nearly as nice a flow. Time coming into play for the writer? I have a feeling it is.
Wo…now we’re really heading in a new direction and it’s not to my liking, sorry to say.
Page 6 – Yeah, your writing style has totally changed now. Short fragments, typos, mistakes. Almost as if it’s a different writer.
“Not the good kind!” – OMG…really? The aside itself is bad enough, but then you go and use an exclamation point? Not good…
Very passive writing going on now, as well. There was a little early on, but now it’s running rampant.
Page 8 – lots of asides and unfilmables everywhere now. This seriously feels like a different writer has taken over.
Ah yes…I knew it! Return of Cone Snail! It was pretty obvious this little critter would return and save the day…well…let’s see if it does.
Page 10 – Wait…Sam just picked this guy up and tossed him overboard? She’s 1 strong little tyke, huh?
“The nightmare is finally over.” – Indeed.
Well, you started out strong, went in a completely different direction, killing off 2 nice peeps and then terrorizing little Sam with sadistic fuck Nick. It didn’t quite work, as planned and 1 big issue is the writing, which went to shite after Page 4 or so. I also think you ended this too quickly, and lost lots of power by doing that, but maybe time was running out.
Not a bad entry by any means and actually, probably 1 of the better ones overall. It could be much better, though, as it’s just not believable or properly handled.
p.5 What you should be asking yourself is how are you're gonna help me?
NICK The seashells add a nice touch to the room, don't you think?. Thought to myself, Nick, she would adore you if you surprised her with it. -- Did Nick mean the seashells or the flower? I'm a bit confused here.
Not too sure she'd be able to pick him up... maybe pushes him over?
I was 50:50 on this one. I think there's some good story elements in there - the shell comes in nice and early, and the fishy smell and the antagonist are all in by the start of page two, so key elements have been set up.
I'll buy in up to page five, where we have the mid-point twist, which I quite like.
After that I wonder if you know what to do. Clearly you don't want to go in to Nick having his way with Sam -- and I'm glad that you didn't go there. But haviing referenced that this is Nick's intention, you then have to put it off, and it leaves things a little loose - he gets her to clean the decks instead?
It's possible that you could have stuck in a line to the effect that Nick didn't expect her to have survived?
What does happen is some STC fun 'n' games stuff with Nick hanging her off the boat, and this doesn't totally rub. Possibly you could have invested in their relationship somewhat during this bit.
Lastly onto Nick getting killed - a bit more of a struggle might have worked here - maybe Nick being partially paralysed, and grabbing onto her leg as he's slipping overboard? I'd have even liked to have seen her really struggle to get Nick out of the room - I think there's action you could have exploited here.
Lastly - I wouldn't have Sam smiling - she's alone on a boat, her Mother and Grandpa dead, and she's deeply traumatised - I think that needs to be acknowledged to give it a little more gravitas.
While this has a lot of misses, I think it's got a lot of merits too - it's just that there's some dramatic angles that I think you could have exploited that were left untouched. Good entry.
It was supposed to be a day of fun on the ocean but as one family quickly learns...the ocean has many secrets…
… and turned into a nightmare for said family because of some fruitcake who loves to paint boats with chum, sodomize underage girls, and (said in a creepy, raspy, Gollam voice)… murder!
I’ve never been to Cape Cod, and I hear it’s beautiful, and I love that 90’s sitcom ‘Wings’ and, wait… that was Nantucket. Anyways, this had some seriously dark undertones, and not an incredibly far stretch of the imagination to push it in the similar direction of the movie Cape Fear. I thank you for that, cause now have that sick-pedo image of Robert De Niro’s character (Max Cady) shoving his dirty fingers into Juliette Lewis’s mouth… not good, LOL.
Sam and Jenny come up to the speed boat, but there’s no name (for the boat). I remember that ol’ dude in Forrest Gump telling us that it’s bad luck to not name a boat. You don’t have to call it the ‘jenny’ of course, perhaps something witty and urbane that tells us were definitely not about to take a three hour tour.
So Nick forces Sam to clean his boat, and all the while he’s grooming himself for her? To say this guy is in denial of the particular relationship he’s created between them is an understatement. I think it’s safe to say Nick is a psycho… for real, not a euphemism.
The Cone Snail was a nice touch. I’ve never heard of that potent little thing, but then again, I live absolutely nowhere near an ocean. There are mosquitoes here, and one laid me out for a week with West Nile Virus; they jacked me up on copious amounts of morphine… way out of scope, sorry.
OK we’re done, and I’m glad to hear Sam made it out alive, as well as, Nick’s fate with the jaws of retribution. This was suspenseful, psychologically messed with me, and was definitely a great entry for one week’s work!
Interesting idea that took a 180 half way through with mixed results for me. I agree with others that maybe the girls age should be 16. Not to say a 13 yr old couldn't lift a grown man overboard but it's also hard to imagine it too. Nice touch with the cone snail (had to look that up) paralyzing Nick at the end. Justice served I guess with him getting eaten by the shark. All in all, not bad. Solid effort for one week.
A nice family day is ruined by a psychopath. Nice foreshadowing with cone snail. Not only does it appear later, but it also hints at survival aspects of nature. The seeminly harmless can defeag the obvious predator. In this case, a little girl vs a maniac.
Boat breaks. Nice tension building. Mom and dad are eaten by shark. Girl is alone and defenceless. I wonde if nick attacks here would be better than passout. Knocked out and awakens in boat cell. I like that sam is feisty, calls nick an asshole. It suggests she will fight back, she's not helpless.
Nick another case of insert psycho here, that happened a number of times this OWC. This one is truly vicious, at least. And you also didn't forget to get vicious with shark (as per parameters).
Chain and dog collar is way too creepy. Sam should be older, like 15 or something. It's too brutal and suggestive. Good job getting under our skin and making us squirm. Nick's death better be satisfying and equally brutal. And it gets worse as she is lowered over boat. This sadistic psycho. Nice foreshadowing though. We've got 2 ways to kill him now. Wow. He molests her. Touching her thigh. And it suggests more. I can't wait to see this asshole get torn to pieces.
Quite a turn. Nick tries to seduce and charm sam. Dressed nice. Hair cuf. Shaved. Her fishbowl and shells. Creepy. And it builds with the dance. If filmed right this will be so skincrawling. Embellish this scene.
They dance, revolving around fishbowl. Each twirl and revolution gets them closer to snail. Sam eyes it each time. Every turn. Maybe nick gets physically closer, each revolve, hands wandering. She is seducing him. She is in control. He can get closer as long as she gets closer, to snail.
As is, he asks of snail. Instead he should snatch it. Again, sam plays him, saying... you know what that is.. as he holds it... she describes... as tentacle emerges... he watches curious, smiling... sam mentions deadly, as tentacle searches Nick's palm... too late he's poisoned already. He collapses.
I actually think it would be more effective if a gun was on the table. She shoots him. In pain. Crippled enough so she can get the collar on him. She forces him to deck. Shoots again. He falls to deck. She could even let snail loose at this point. Either way he's facing the water. As sam lowers him, like he did to her. Shark leaps and kills him. Decapitating him. Sam watches. She doesn't pull in the chain. The shark jumps and tears apart torso. Revenge.
Nice homage to jaws, as fin heads to amity.
Nasty bad guy. Brutal. Perverse. Good shark attacks. Vigilante justice. Consider reworking to make even better.
A dark ride, but also intense and exciting.
I mention these suggestions because I liked what you have here. It's graphic, brutal, and intense. I'd focus on the primitive desire for revenge. He deserves it, if anyone does. More practical too. He walks to edge, no need to have small girl carry him.
Well, I like the ending shot on this one. Very nice nod to the Jaws series. And Sam's escape - though telegraphed - worked as well.
The rest of it... I give the writer kudos for creating a dramatic, conflict filled script. But this one edges far too closely to torture porn for me. And the fact that Sam is so young makes me even more uneasy/queasy. No reason she couldn't have been sixteen or so. Have a preteen chained up by the neck and threatened with rape...? Sure, the bad guy's supposed to be evil (extremely black and white evil, in fact), but it's just... bad vibes for me.
22. Terror At Sea - It was supposed to be a day of fun on the ocean but as one family quickly learns...the ocean has many secrets. Brief - Pedophile at sea captures a girl with a snail, snail kills him, she feeds him to the shark.
Characters to Animate/Voice - 5 Sam, Jenny, John, Nick, shark Scenes to Build - 5 NE beach, dock, boat 2x, boat INT Accessory Visual - average Seashell c/u, bucket, Nick’s boat Accessory Audio - average Beach waves, running outboard motor, wake waves
Genre & Marketability - Thriller drama Script format - Good Comments - HFS! WTH kinda title page IS THAT?! 12pt courier only please. All caps if you want. The snail thing’s kinda contrived. By page four I’m reading ahead w/o logging items because I get the feel this is… yeah, this is not any story I can use for the short film festival circuit. Sorry. However, it’s a fine psycho-on-a-boat story. Nick’s very horrible in a generic sort of way. Ah, page eight, there’s where that contrived snail comes into play. Sam prolly oughtta ROLL Nick off the deck into the water. Final word - Pass. I don’t know what the market is for this kind of story.
10/15 Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute x 9.5 Screenplay Pages = 95/143 Total Build Hours Time Cost
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Terror At Sea - OWC
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