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Fuck…really? Another pisser? And I thought no pissers were allowed.
Just hilarious writing early on here. Every single line and passage, just classic. I salute you, my brother.
Hmmm, Spring break 2012? Wonder why we’re back 2 years…
Page 2 – “DRIP, DRIP, DRIP” – Oh man, nice. The drippings so loud, you can hear it over the sounds of the ocean, the raft bobbing up and down, and these 3 cartoon characters chatting. Classic!
“human pez dispenser” – Fuck, I almost threw up I laughed so hard. Shawn…is this yours? You pisser!
I love the Brock dude! Great character!
Page 4 – LMFAO!!!! Wonderful dialogue. I actually have to stop for a few minutes. My gut hurts. Seriously, funny stuff.
Page 5 – “(shouting) Help! Someone! Anyone!” – pure classic. Love it!!
Page 6 – “…and you’re a fucking pervert.” – Oh man…I may need another break. Fucking hysterical.
Page 9 – revenge! Ah yes…revenge! Dude, seriously, you’re killing me here. This is exactly the kind of pisser I like best…one that brings a hilarious story in, has all the inane dialogue, the redonkulous action…everything…dude..I may shed a tear I’m so moved right now.
“He knows Brock is right.” – Of course he is. I knew I liked this Brock guy when he first uttered his first stupid line. Epic! Oh man…no…yes…Brock’s at it again! Necrophilia? YES!!! This is the winner!!!! No way possible anyone can top this.
Page 10 – “square in the dick” – classic…
Page 11 – Brock screams with glee – LOL…man…I fucking love this script.
Page 12 – Grinding Nemo” – Wow…this is genius on display. So funny..and well thought out even!! Shocking!
The End. Bravo…Bravo…
Could be in the top 5 pissers ever written. Marvelous. Thank you for entering this gem.
I didn't get the Tim Tebro at first, but as they kept coming I chuckled out load. There were some laughs in this, but once I got a sniff of the premise, it kinda took the laughs back. Not sure if that's good or bad.
Good effort. It read quickly, but sometimes I got lost.
10. Jail Bait - Three bros find themselves stranded on a party raft in the middle of the ocean after a day of drinking. Brief - Crazy story of three drunk fratties and their rape victim. And there’s a shark, too.
Characters to Animate/Voice - 3 Aiden, Brock, Tyler Scenes to Build - 1 Party raft on night ocean Accessory Visual - >5 Punch, foot pull, dangle girl, dangle girl flipped over, puking Accessory Audio - >5 Ocean waves, beer cans, soft punch, drip, puking
Genre & Marketability - Drama Script format - Poor Comments - Alright, you gotta use a little common sense when you write things:
A party raft bobs up on down on the open water. The ocean is calm. The night is still. And the salty air is pitch black. A super moon hangs on the edge of the horizon and illuminates the surface of the ocean.
Three overgrown frat guys sleep inside the raft alongside a blacked out twenty something girl in a bikini.
If “the salty air is pitch black” how the hell are we supposed to see frat guys and a twenty something girl in a bikini? It’s all gonna look like a bunch of silhouettes. How are these characters illuminated? By that whopping moon? Writer, Dude: the “Jack” in Jack Daniel’s whiskey needs to be capitalized, not only because it’s a specific product but also because it’s a name, a proper noun. By page four I can tell I don’t wanna pursue producing this story, The characters are just too annoying. I do like that I’d have to build pretty much only a single scene, though. Anyways… I’ll don my reader hat and go from there: “God” is a proper noun: capitalize it. “Bigger boat” usage does not fit where it’s placed. By page nine the story is just bizarro-goofy. “Dick punch you in the fart box.” That’s effing Shakespeare, man. Final word - Pass. [Expletive] wasting my time.
10/15 Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute x 11.3 Screenplay Pages = 113/170 Total Build Hours Time Cost
Hi. The first description blocks' shape isn't good. The picture's focus moves in a wrong order, plus, I don't understand the light situation- STILL- the whole hook: scenario and setting intrigues me and pulls me into your Story.
Okay I have doubts about the following lines:
"AIDEN She’s gone. Probably been dead for a few hours."
Her gash has to be the first point to discuss. She has been "killed". After the lines from above, they start immediately to try to remember what happened before, which I like, but again, the deadly wound has priority.
"No man, you don’t understand. This does not look good. I’m already on probation. I’ll go to jail."
They are on the open sea with a killed young woman on board? I mean, it's a typical movie plot that he thinks about his probation, yes, but I don't like this kind of plot, because he's not guilty or doesn't know if he is, so his probation is his last problem by now. I think the audience don't like it when they do it that way in film. It's too irational kind of thinking.
The dialogue of the whole memory/hangover part is strong. It builds further pictures in my head what they had done while they tell it. So there are multiple effects going on.
Oh. That surprises me. P 7 you decided to drive your script against the wall.
From this line another script starts:
"BROCK Woooo-eeee! Tyler caught the big one!"
Okay it's getting heavy. No problem. But then all the comedy.
The thing is that you were on a good way in my eyes, a very good way. But you lose the balance. For some reason, I saw myself in a serious situation and suddenly there was a kick which made it all ridiculous.
I would like to see what would happen if you draw the characters to the end, believable, stable, and complete. Same with the whole plot, the mood.
It could have been my favorite, easily; unfortunately it felt like your interest wasn't there to go all the way and you choose the easy way and typed it to the end, somehow. Pity.
I thought it was well written. Good dialogue., at the beginning. Got the whole “bro” thing. Sort of like that name game in TED….. “It’ has to have a ski at the end of it, otherwise where’s the challenge? If there’s no ski at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots saying nonsense”..haha..Your bit reminded me of that.
Is this Hangover 4? Lost in a raft, no memory of how they got there. Half dead chick beside them…Could be?
Human Pez dispenser. Great visual.
Some funny lines here. Didn't like the” whooeee Tyler caught the big one”. Seemed too relaxed…didn’t felt like it fit to be considered realistic. Even if Brock was drinking, and it’s suppose to be funny… C’mon now, you just saw a shark take a bit at ya friend. And he’s all in like…Party mode?
There goes that bigger boat line.
Ok this story just tipped over into the deep end. You had something here. Don’t know why you chose to go down that “pisser” road. Whatever you’s call it. If your shooting for comedy, have the scenes play as such. Adding words like fart box and the other shit brock was saying. Didn’t land funny for me.
So you had me…then you lost me.
I do like the last image of Aiden and Nemo in the raft. He’s staring at her tatoo while the raft is slowly sinking.. Good visual
Overall, It had potential. You could have easily turned this into something serious. Or maybe just less pisserish. I'm staring to not like that word.
Don’t agree with your choice of tone for it, but still a solid effort.
First off, intriguing mystery and a chance to develop it. Three friends wake up next to dead girl adrift at sea. Wow. That's actually a pretty strong fuckin premise. It just needs new characters and a bit more work on the revenge element.
Pretty lengthy descriptions to start things off. Consider breaking this up. They're kinda old for frat guys. But I soon figured out, that's on purpose. These guys are sleezy. Okay, I can believe that. But I can't believe how they react to dead body with slashed throat. I think this could be a good opportunity for panic to set in. Or some questions? Some suspicion. Maybe just one is a dickbag.
I called the rufies revenge twist. But a little severe to suicide herself for revenge. It seems a heavy price to pay. Wouldn't it be more intriguing if she watched from the shore? Or a recording hidden camera? Or came up in her own boat, throwing in chum? Maybe one of the guys are dead instead? Or a girl they hit on earlier that night. Nemo killed her to set-up revenge. This would be crazy, but more believable than suicide, for me.
So a few suggestions, at least.
The dick punch dialogue is just one example of going too far, for no reason. Crude, vile, darkly disturbing behaviour. A master of tonal balance can pull this off and balance with social commentary, like Scorsese and Wolf of Wall Street. That was some debase shit right there. Piled on top of other debauchery here for 30 seconds of film... like necrophilia and underage rape, it's too much and I'm no prude... Okay I'm Canadian, but I love shit like Requiem for a Dream... Again the balance and importance. But I digress. Hehehe.
So it's like Saw...
Knife lands in ocean. Consider amping up action. Like shark swims by knife as it falls. It circles boat as they argue. Keep us scared and focused the horror of the shark too. And brock lets aiden check Tyler's pocket for a knife. So they can both be armed in this argument. And brock can gt stabbed? Weird.
Ass tattoo was interesting. I like that it let's us kmow aiden was no part of physical rape. He let it happen, though. And lives with guilt. Embellish this so we can root for aiden.
Which also makes me think why we he stay friends with them? Why would he want to be involved in a rape again? This stuff is great for conflict though. If they mended their bridges. Moved past horror of the past. This could lead to argument material. Aiden thinks they changed. They haven't. He's fucked again, this time he won't let them get away with it.
I would consider what is most important about this short and rewrite it. The premise is that good. I would think that's what appealed to you initially. Remember the cause of your short? Was it to push the boundaries? To shock us? To gross us out? Can you do this and still have some humanity or commentary on humanity?
Aiden could die knowing he stood up to them. Maybe he says something so we know what he's thinking.
Your strongest element is the mystery. That great premise. Milk this before the revenge reveal. Brock needs to get it worse than anyone, maybe he goes to rape the girl, or would that be, fuck the corpse... either way he whips it out and it gets bitten off. The rest of hm soon follows. Xfiles moment would be, dead girl wakens and bites offl or jumps out of water, waiting for the right moment.
I don't understand the girl's revenge. Why does Nemo kill herself? Why not have Nemo just leave the guys on the raft and watch her retaliation from a safe distance? How is she supposed to enjoy the revenge if she doesn't actually see it come to fruition?
The action passages, as well as some of the dialogue, are excessively wordy. A full page or two could easily be knocked off of this thing by trimming the fat.
I like the idea of three guys stuck on a raft with a shark in the water, but wasn't really a fan of how this one played out. I was hoping at least one of the guys would be likable, but that wasn't the case.
The one pro point. Great premise. It could've been very atmospheric and twisty.
As executed, however?
1) The guys are *far* too flippant when they wake up on a raft with a dead girl. Cracking jokes almost immediately.
2) Think you got Aiden and the other non-Brock character confused during the first attack. And the way that it's phrased "suddenly, a shark pops out of the water" was so comedic it made me giggle. Then Brock screams with GLEE when the shark chomps on him? Seriously?
But - most importantly - this was gross, sociopathic and honestly disgusting. I have nooooo problem at all with gross and vile when it's organic to the script. But having a guy attempt to anally rape a corpse while stranded on a raft? I don't know what to say to that. Actually, I DO know what to say to that... but I'm going refrain. 'Cause it's kind of a given, and doesn't need to be said.
Seriously, guy. Even as a joke this is reprehensible.... even if the characters *do* get their comeuppance.
Hey everyone, just wanted to say thanks for all the reads. Was this a pisser? Yes and no. More like a first draft that I wrote in two days due to time restraints. Really came down to the wire on this one (still kicking myself for the title mishap). Regardless, I wanted this to be over the top, funny, and of course, morally reprehensible. And I think I succeeded to some degree.
Already working on the rewrite. I've done a lot more with a lot less so I'm excited to see where it goes. Thanks again for your help everyone.
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Jail Bait - OWC
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