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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Jail Bait - OWC
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albinopenguin
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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No apologies needed! This wasn't meant to be serious by any means (obviously haha).

I'm actually experimenting with the idea of reversing everyone's sex. 3 party chics raping a bro, etc, etc.


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RayW
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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"Dick punch you in the fart box."

I swear that line's going to (unfortunately) stick with me for a while.

Looking forward to the rewrite.



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albinopenguin
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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As long as I made an impression, I'm happy haha


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RayW
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, so... now that I've had time to catch up on a few more pressing matters...

Tell me WHY you chose to go this route, writing and submitting a pisser?

I'm not at all being judgmental, I just have a casual interest in the decision making process of how someone goes from "I could do such-and-such" to "Hail, yeah! I think I will... pound, pound, pound... SEND-ola! Ahahahahahaha!"

Thank you, sincerely.




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albinopenguin
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Well, time constraints are a big part of the equation. But I usually start with an outlandish idea and make it more digestible. Most of my ideas could be interpreted as pissers initially. But that's just me writing without boundaries. From there, I figure out what works and what doesn't.

Heck, my feature length was a mash up of Home Alone, Hostel, and the Hangover. It's just kinda my thing. I'd rather write something fun and brash.

Furthermore, I didn't want the audience to like these characters. They're digusting pigs. But I want to make them a little more unique. Add some depth. Definitely something I'll be adding to the rewrite.


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RayW
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Fair enough.
Yeah, they're disgusting pigs and Nemo's an idiot, which of course the world is indeed full of.

Thanks for the reply, AP.



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albinopenguin
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for asking Ray.

If I might, I have a question for you (and everyone). Does the premise work? I mean, if you're depressed, suicidal, and vengeful, why not?

I think I need to add some more depth to Nemo. Make her more intelligent and explore her reasoning. Maybe I should offer an explanation as to why she chose to kill her attackers via shark attack rather than a shotgun to the face.


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RayW
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Before I go back and reread this - in a different light, of course - first tell me in what direction would you like to shift the genre focus to?
Absurdist comedy?
OTT, balls out comedy?
A dark tragedy?
What? Where?

Then I/we could cogitate on different approaches to that destination.



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albinopenguin
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Good call. I'd say black comedy/drama.


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RayW
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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albinopenguin
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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haha more like all of those


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RayW
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Well lettuce see if wee can narrow that wide open range down by a few degrees.

Of these I've seen.

  • Dark Shadows - (Stupid) queer (old sense, not new) vampire amid a dysfunctional family.
  • Bernie - a Fargo-lite flik.
  • Killer Joe - IDK WTH they get any comedy out of this sh!t horrible dysfunction-as-entertainment film.
  • 50/50 - A wonderful film, lotta gallows humor.
  • Super - Another great indie flik, mental health heroes. You should bookend this with 'Defendor.'
  • Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - More comedy horror than dark comedy, but a great show.
  • Four Lions - Turned it off fifteen minutes into it because it was too stupid trying to be funny.
  • Kick-Ass - Dark comedy?! Really? Nah.
  • Burn After Reading - Kinduva stupid flik is all I remember.
  • You Kill Me - Ah, man! This one and 50/50 are great! Alcoholic mobster hitman tries to dry out to be better at his job.


Oh, and you should give 'The Guard' a fair day in court. Great show.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Guard_(2011_film)

How about you?
Seen some/most/all of those?
You just kinda lump 'em all together?

I dunno.

I just glazed over the script "as is", identified three 1980's surfer pothead fratties and a dead drunk girl.

Do you really wanna keep the shark thing?
Do you really wanna keep the 1980's surfer pothead lingo?
They seem like three f#cking idiots in a contrived situation instead of three amusing dummies in a f#cked up situation.

This "most" seems a lot like it could be like the tension mechanics of the "Vincent Vega and Marsellus Wallace's Wife" scene in Lance's living room in 'Pulp Fiction.'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulp_Fiction_(film)#.22Vincent_Vega_and_Marsellus_Wallace.27s_Wife.22
Not so bright guys in a situation where they could get into a lotta trouble, kinda don't really know exactly how to get themselves out of it.

Sound about right?

And you wanna do that with inebriated/hungover 1980 surfer fratties?




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RayW  -  April 15th, 2014, 9:19pm
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Posted: April 22nd, 2014, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from albinopenguin
No apologies needed! This wasn't meant to be serious by any means (obviously haha).

I'm actually experimenting with the idea of reversing everyone's sex. 3 party chics raping a bro, etc, etc.


I have to say I love this idea.

Always try to turn something cliche on its ear.

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albinopenguin
Posted: April 22nd, 2014, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks man. I'm thinking of actually rewriting this three times. Turning the concept into a trilogy like set of shorts.

First short- revising what I already have.

Second short- reversing everyone's sexes.

Third short- the guys were injected with LSD and now they're tripping balls. And their guilt ridden past causes them to go on a terrible trip. Kinda like the baby from Trainspotting, but it's the sole focus.

Also, RayW, I've seen all of those films and love most of them. The only one I havent seen is You Kill Me. I'll be sure to check it out. Thanks for the recommendations!


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