Jail Bait by Stubb - Short, Shark - Three bros find themselves stranded on a party raft in the middle of the ocean after a day of drinking. - pdf, format

Jail bait...Shark bait. The thread title and the script title are differient.

This was like watching the Hangover and Scary Movie blended for some reason.

It was alright. Buches of 'bro" ness lines for men in their mid twenties.

The story itself met the criteria but just seemed to be a story thet reminded me of other stories that have been done.

All in all, it was pretty decent.

Congrats on the OWC entry.

Shawn.....><

It does seem familiar.

My attention span may be waning, getting somewhat chewed up, but I had trouble picturing the scenes here. Had to keep going back rereading to find out how things should appear but got little joy. Some more specifics would have helped.

I think this could have been better if there'd been less bro talk and more tension.

The bigger boat didn't work. It's too famous for a straight lift.

They seem too stereotypical to be realistic, hence the problem.

Most of it's alright.

R

Well, this was quite the... bromance.

Gautama Buddha said; “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” <-- ya, that was a cut n' paste.

The point is, as deep as that cr*p runs, I truly cannot fathom someone plotting revenge so devious that it would involve their own death; that would kind of defeat the purpose of revenge in my opinion. That is, watching those who did you wrong suffer in some way or another. However, this is an OWC and pretty much anything goes.

Some of the comedy was actually hilarious, and that kept me going, and I honestly can't say if the dialog was congruent to these dudes and their situation, simply because I've never been there myself. All in all, this was a solid entry. Good work, bro!

Rule of thumb, always try and avoid starting your script with big blocks of text, it's an instant turn off for the reader and makes the read so much boggier than it should be.

And it doesn't help have all three guys have five letter names.

"Last thing I
remember, we were all sipping
margaritas on the beach and
reminiscing about the first time we
went to Spring Break back in oh
seven." Last thing I remember is a bunch of obvious exposition, avoid this too. Poor dialogue throughout, and it continues. Don't reveal what the characters already know about each other, why would they say all of that? He has a kid? Of course he has a kid!

And their reaction to the dead girl? They ignore it for 2 minutes and then they remember?

"You do the mouth." You do the what?

"Suddenly a great white shark pops out of the water and
chomps down on Aiden’s upper torso. His head and right arm
is in the beast’s mouth." A lot of problems with this. It's almost comical in the way you reveal it, there's no flow or any flare or style to it. But the biggest problem is that you're so blunt about it and it makes it just seems hilarious instead of it having your desired effect.

WTF? Wasn't it Aiden in the shark? How'd Tyler get in there? Why hasn't the raft capsized? How can he even talk?

"If it’s her, then why did you kill
her?" What??

"Brock
SCREAMS with glee." Okay.

Is this a pisser? Hopefully not since I didn't laugh or smile at any time. Writing needs work and the dialogue needs to be rewritten from scratch. Really, it killed the whole script and everything you were after. Didn't work for me, and if you mess up which character the shark was bitten by, it doesn't seem like you cared about the script to put in the extra effort to read it once more. And this is harsh, so why should I care if you don't?

Yeah a bit of a mix up there with Tyler and Aidan and who was eaten first lol. That scene was almost hilarious, imagining someone SCREECHING after being ripped in half!

But I thought this was nasty and well done. Very full on stuff but it all came together well.

Have no idea about the different 'bro' slang but, yeah, nice work

Give this a 7.5

This didn't do anything for me at all.

How has Brock survived life so far without being locked up in a lunatic asylum or killed is beyond me, the fact he has 'friends' even worse! No-one reacts realistically, no-one realises they have steak knives hidden in their pants. The raft is at times flimsy and then super strong. The revenge plan is so out there I think they’d even shy away from using it in Scream.

Sorry but this just seems like disturbed gratuitous fantasy.

But it meets all the criteria, so well done for that and for entering the OWC lol!

Mark

SPOILERS
I have a believability issue here - her plan to kill herself to attract a shark on them seems kind of intricate and hard to buy into. Don't know.
And didn't you kill off all the wrong ones? If you chose to kill Tyler early in the story - maybe you didn't need him.
I guess it's a strong story for someone who buys into her plan. Maybe if you led to it properly - after all we don't know her and don't see her. We learn about what happened from Brock and that's kind of weak in my op.

Shark bait...sorry jail bait. Not sure why I had the other name in my head (edit)

Fade in in the right - that's it I'm out...only kidding, I couldn't care less

Bit heavy on the opening - not sure what a party raft is
Tim tebro - ??

There frats, after a party, alone with a dead girl in a bikini - now that's either cliched or a decent place to start. It will depend on where this goes.

Yeah - dead girl in a raft not sure jokes are wise

Brock - is a bit out tune with the tone, which gets worse with the shark

Noooooo - 'were gonna have to get a bigger boat' - third script

Dick punch your fart box - yuck

Screams with glee ??



Ok, I didn't like it, as written, but it has decent potential.

A revenge story. Three boys rape a girl, she tracks them down, lures them onto a raft and kills herself to attract sharks. Perhaps a little much to take but the revenge element is sound.

You could add depth to this. How they have struggled with the memory. How one tried to find her before to make good etc so we are left with the question do they deserve to die etc

Not a bad story. Could have done with more. I think this could work well with a rewrite. Written well aside from the bro-things in dialogue, like Bro J Simpson etc... got a little much.

Aside from that... not a bad entry.

I'm only one paragraph in and your descriptions are wonky. "The raft bobs up 'on' down", then you tell us the water is calm.  And how can air be pitch black? But it's obviously not pitch black anyway because then you tell us the moon illuminates the surface.

Second paragraph...how do you sleep 'inside' a raft? There is no inside. "on" a raft maybe?  And what is "traditional" Spring Break paraphernalia, anyway? Mardi Gras okay...there are lots purple and gold beads. St. Patrick's Day...green. But can't figure what the "tradition" is for Spring break. -- this is a wasted description since you go into detail as you describe each of your characters.

Okay. This was tough to get through. The dialog really got annoying and the three guys all sounded the same. But the story itself, I have to agree with Khamanna...major believability issues.  

This one wasn't for me but congrats on completing something for this OWC.

There were some funny lines throughout but things became a bit unbelievable for me when the shark attacked Tyler. How Aiden and Brock would continue to go on like nothing happened to their friend just moments after he died is beyond me. If Tyler was scared he was going to get in trouble from the law because of the dead girl it might have been interesting to see him want to throw the girl overboard. That would have made him the leading suspect in her death. While a shark swam around the raft you could have cranked up the tension in the raft with the three guys wondering who killed her. Just a thought. Not bad overall especially for one weeks of work, definitely has potential. You just need to clean up a couple of things.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

(Opening paragraphs are a little thick. No biggie. See we’ve got more bros. Give it a chance. Dialogue isn’t really helping me tell them apart, tho)

(Aiden checks her pulse even though her neck “resembles a Pez dispenser”, that’s a red flag.)

(So, Aiden’s got a knife. That’s a mystery at least, but boy is the dialogue killing it. It goes on for so long and almost all of it could be cut. These guys aren’t acting even remotely real.)

(A typo on who got eaten by the shark. One of the few essential pieces of information and...)

(And now Brock just randomly has all the answers, laying out a revenge plan that no one would ever want, nor be able to execute properly)

Pg. 9 “Excuse me miss, do you mind if I dick punch your fart box?”

(Pauses)(Scrolls through other comments)(Yeah, they’ve got this)

Congrats on entering the OWC

Did you change the title and forget to change it on the title page? Either way, I like both of them.

Sometimes your descriptions are confusing. It slows the read.
Ex:   a blacked out twenty something girl in a bikini

Tim Tebro Ha

Human Pez dispenser

Not sure I’m liking this. It’s like a lame The Hangover on a raft. Their reactions to the dead girl are way off in my opinion. Now if a guy woke up on a raft with no clue how he got there and the only other passenger was a dead girl...but maybe this is supposed to be funny, so I’ll keep reading.

I got a chuckle or three out of this story. There was too much back and forth dialogue for me. When I lose interest while reading, it makes me tend to skim through the read.

Grinding Nemo...still it was worth reading for the laughs along the way!

what needs to be worked on:


Comedy needs to be amped up quite a bit.

They find themselves drifting out to sea with a girl who's been slit in the throat...and one of them chuckles? I realize it's humor, but...

I could not buy into any of the premise, but at least there was an attempt at cleverness.

Fuck…really?  Another pisser?  And I thought no pissers were allowed.

Just hilarious writing early on here.  Every single line and passage, just classic.  I salute you, my brother.

Hmmm, Spring break 2012?  Wonder why we’re back 2 years…

Page 2 – “DRIP, DRIP, DRIP” – Oh man, nice.  The drippings so loud, you can hear it over the sounds of the ocean, the raft bobbing up and down, and these 3 cartoon characters chatting.  Classic!

“human pez dispenser” – Fuck, I almost threw up I laughed so hard.  Shawn…is this yours?  You pisser!

I love the Brock dude!  Great character!

Page 4 – LMFAO!!!!  Wonderful dialogue.  I actually have to stop for a few minutes.  My gut hurts.  Seriously, funny stuff.

Page 5 – “(shouting) Help!  Someone!  Anyone!” – pure classic.  Love it!!

Page 6 – “…and you’re a fucking pervert.” – Oh man…I may need another break.  Fucking hysterical.

Page 9 – revenge!  Ah yes…revenge!  Dude, seriously, you’re killing me here.  This is exactly the kind of pisser I like best…one that brings a hilarious story in, has all the inane dialogue, the redonkulous action…everything…dude..I may shed a tear I’m so moved right now.

“He knows Brock is right.” – Of course he is.  I knew I liked this Brock guy when he first uttered his first stupid line.  Epic!  Oh man…no…yes…Brock’s at it again!  Necrophilia?  YES!!!  This is the winner!!!!  No way possible anyone can top this.

Page 10 – “square in the dick” – classic…

Page 11 – Brock screams with glee – LOL…man…I fucking love this script.

Page 12 – Grinding Nemo” – Wow…this is genius on display.  So funny..and well thought out even!!  Shocking!

The End.  Bravo…Bravo…

Could be in the top 5 pissers ever written.  Marvelous.  Thank you for entering this gem.

I'm trying HARD to real all of every script that I'm coming across...

So far I'm at 7 pages of yap. I want, really want to look for the positive until... "Suddenly a great white shark pops out of the water"

"Brock kicks Aiden square in the dick."
--didn't Dustbin Buttcock say something similar?

Finished.

Okay. It's 2:30am in the UK and you kept me up reading this.

Going forward, please stop writing scripts. I mean really. You offer nothing.

I didn't get the Tim Tebro at first, but as they kept coming I chuckled out load. There were some laughs in this, but once I got a sniff of the premise, it kinda took the laughs back. Not sure if that's good or bad.

Good effort. It read quickly, but sometimes I got lost.

Johnny

I gotta a few laughs outta this.

It had it's moments and I'll give you props for originality.
You mixed up Tyler with Aiden at one point, when the shark popped up.

Looking to bone a corpse on raft in the ocean... haven't we all been there.

Not a bad effort, but not a great one either.

Mark

10. Jail Bait - Three bros find themselves stranded on a party raft in the middle of the ocean after a day of drinking.
Brief - Crazy story of three drunk fratties and their rape victim. And there’s a shark, too.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 3
Aiden, Brock, Tyler
Scenes to Build  - 1
Party raft on night ocean
Accessory Visual - >5
Punch, foot pull, dangle girl, dangle girl flipped over, puking
Accessory Audio - >5
Ocean waves, beer cans, soft punch, drip, puking

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Poor
Comments  -  Alright, you gotta use a little common sense when you write things:

     A party raft bobs up on down on the open water. The ocean is
calm. The night is still. And the salty air is pitch black.
A super moon hangs on the edge of the horizon and
illuminates the surface of the ocean.

Three overgrown frat guys sleep inside the raft alongside a
blacked out twenty something girl in a bikini.

If “the salty air is pitch black” how the hell are we supposed to see frat guys and a twenty something girl in a bikini? It’s all gonna look like a bunch of silhouettes. How are these characters illuminated? By that whopping moon? Writer, Dude: the “Jack” in Jack Daniel’s whiskey needs to be capitalized, not only because it’s a specific product but also because it’s a name, a proper noun.
     By page four I can tell I don’t wanna pursue producing this story, The characters are just too annoying. I do like that I’d have to build pretty much only a single scene, though. Anyways… I’ll don my reader hat and go from there: “God” is a proper noun: capitalize it. “Bigger boat” usage does not fit where it’s placed. By page nine the story is just bizarro-goofy. “Dick punch you in the fart box.” That’s effing Shakespeare, man.
Final word - Pass. [Expletive] wasting my time.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.3          Screenplay Pages
= 113/170     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Hi.
The first description blocks' shape isn't good. The picture's focus moves in a wrong order, plus, I don't understand the light situation- STILL- the whole hook: scenario and setting intrigues me and pulls me into your Story.

Okay I have doubts about the following lines:

"AIDEN
She’s gone. Probably been dead for
a few hours."

Her gash has to be the first point to discuss. She has been "killed". After the lines from above, they start immediately to try to remember what happened before, which I like, but again, the deadly wound has priority.


"No man, you don’t understand. This
does not look good. I’m already on
probation. I’ll go to jail."

They are on the open sea with a killed young woman on board? I mean, it's a typical movie plot that he thinks about his probation, yes, but I don't like this kind of plot, because he's not guilty or doesn't know if he is, so his probation is his last problem by now. I think the audience don't like it when they do it that way in film. It's too irational kind of thinking.


The dialogue of the whole memory/hangover part is strong. It builds further pictures in my head what they had done while they tell it. So there are multiple effects going on.


Oh. That surprises me. P 7 you decided to drive your script against the wall.

From this line another script starts:

"BROCK
Woooo-eeee! Tyler caught the big
one!"


Okay it's getting heavy. No problem. But then all the comedy.


The thing is that you were on a good way in my eyes, a very good way. But you lose the balance. For some reason, I saw myself in a serious situation and suddenly there was a kick which made it all ridiculous.

I would like to see what would happen if you draw the characters to the end, believable, stable, and complete. Same with the whole plot, the mood.

It could have been my favorite, easily; unfortunately it felt like your interest wasn't there to go all the way and you choose the easy way and typed it to the end, somehow. Pity.

Shark bait….Jail bait?... I’m confused.

I thought it was well written. Good dialogue., at the beginning. Got the whole “bro” thing. Sort of like that name game in TED…..  “It’ has to have a ski at the end of it,  otherwise where’s the challenge? If there’s no ski at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots saying nonsense”..haha..Your bit reminded me of that.

Is this Hangover 4? Lost in a raft, no memory of how they got there. Half dead chick beside them…Could be?

Human Pez dispenser. Great visual.

Some funny lines here. Didn't like the” whooeee Tyler caught the big one”. Seemed too relaxed…didn’t felt like it fit to be considered realistic. Even if Brock was drinking, and it’s suppose to be funny… C’mon now, you just saw a shark take a bit at ya friend. And he’s all in like…Party mode?

There goes that bigger boat line.

Ok this story just tipped over into the deep end. You had something here. Don’t know why you chose to go down that  “pisser” road. Whatever you’s call it.  If your shooting for comedy, have the scenes play as such. Adding words like fart box and the other shit brock was saying.  Didn’t land funny for me.

So you had me…then you lost me.

I do like the last image of Aiden and  Nemo in the raft. He’s staring at her tatoo while the raft is slowly sinking.. Good visual

Overall, It had potential. You could have easily turned this into something serious. Or maybe just less pisserish. I'm staring to not like that word.

Don’t agree with your choice of tone for it,  but still a solid effort.

Best of luck

Springbreak Saw meets Jaws.

First off, intriguing mystery and a chance to develop it. Three friends wake up next to dead girl adrift at sea. Wow. That's actually a pretty strong fuckin premise. It just needs new characters and a bit more work on the revenge element.

Pretty lengthy descriptions to start things off. Consider breaking this up. They're kinda old for frat guys. But I soon figured out, that's on purpose. These guys are sleezy. Okay, I can believe that. But I can't believe how they react to dead body with slashed throat. I think this could be a good opportunity for panic to set in. Or some questions? Some suspicion. Maybe just one is a dickbag.

I called the rufies revenge twist. But a little severe to suicide herself for revenge. It seems a heavy price to pay. Wouldn't it be more intriguing if she watched from the shore? Or a recording hidden camera? Or came up in her own boat, throwing in chum? Maybe one of the guys are dead instead? Or a girl they hit on earlier that night. Nemo killed her to set-up revenge.  This would be crazy, but more believable than suicide, for me.

So a few suggestions, at least.

The dick punch dialogue is just one example of going too far, for no reason. Crude, vile, darkly disturbing behaviour. A master of tonal balance can pull this off and balance with social commentary, like Scorsese and Wolf of Wall Street. That was some debase shit right there. Piled on top of other debauchery here for 30 seconds of film...  like necrophilia and underage rape, it's too much and I'm  no prude... Okay I'm Canadian,  but I love shit like Requiem for a Dream... Again the balance and importance.  But I digress.  Hehehe.

So it's like Saw...

Knife lands in ocean. Consider amping up action. Like shark swims by knife as it falls. It circles boat as they argue. Keep us scared and focused the horror of the shark too. And brock lets aiden check Tyler's pocket for a knife. So they can both be armed in this argument. And brock can gt stabbed? Weird.

Ass tattoo was interesting. I like that it let's us kmow aiden was no part of physical rape. He let it happen, though. And lives with guilt. Embellish this so we can root for aiden.

Which also makes me think why we he stay friends with them? Why would he want to be involved in a rape again? This stuff is great for conflict though. If they mended their bridges. Moved past horror of the past. This could lead to argument material. Aiden thinks they changed. They haven't. He's fucked again, this time he won't let them get away with it.

I would consider what is most important about this short and rewrite it. The premise is that good. I would think that's what appealed to you initially. Remember the cause of your short? Was it to push the boundaries? To shock us? To gross us out? Can you do this and still have some humanity or commentary on humanity?

Aiden could die knowing he stood up to them. Maybe he says something so we know what he's thinking.

Your strongest element is the mystery. That great premise. Milk this before the revenge reveal. Brock needs to get it worse than anyone, maybe he goes to rape the girl, or would that be, fuck the corpse... either way he whips it out and it gets bitten off. The rest of hm soon follows. Xfiles moment would be, dead girl wakens and bites offl or jumps out of water, waiting for the right moment.

Intriguing mystery. Strong premise. Extreme perversity. Unbelievable revenge plot.

Definitely a script where I was rooting for the shark.

In that sense, I was pleased with the ending. The only thing better would have been for the shark to chew on them just a little longer.

When the shark was spotted, we also needed the line: "you gonna turn into Sheriff Bro-dy now?"

Bro-dy... hahaha

awesome... he managed to think of every other use, I'm surprised he missed this... good call...

I didn't care for this too much.

I don't understand the girl's revenge. Why does Nemo kill herself? Why not have Nemo just leave the guys on the raft and watch her retaliation from a safe distance? How is she supposed to enjoy the revenge if she doesn't actually see it come to fruition?

The action passages, as well as some of the dialogue, are excessively wordy. A full page or two could easily be knocked off of this thing by trimming the fat.

I like the idea of three guys stuck on a raft with a shark in the water, but wasn't really a fan of how this one played out. I was hoping at least one of the guys would be likable, but that wasn't the case.

Congrats on completing the challenge!

Chris

*Spoilers*

This one's gonna be an easy review.

The one pro point.  Great premise. It could've been very atmospheric and twisty.

As executed, however?  

1) The guys are *far* too flippant when they wake up on a raft with a dead girl.  Cracking jokes almost immediately.  

2) Think you got Aiden and the other non-Brock character confused during the first attack.  And the way that it's phrased "suddenly, a shark pops out of the water" was so comedic it made me giggle.  Then Brock screams with GLEE when the shark chomps on him?  Seriously?

But - most importantly - this was gross, sociopathic and honestly disgusting.  I have nooooo problem at all with gross and vile when it's organic to the script.  But having a guy attempt to anally rape a corpse while stranded on a raft?  I don't know what to say to that.  Actually, I DO know what to say to that... but I'm going refrain.  'Cause it's kind of a given, and doesn't need to be said.

Seriously, guy.  Even as a joke this is reprehensible.... even if the characters *do* get their comeuppance.

Really?  Janet, are you saying you think this is a serious attempt?

Maybe I'm completely off base, but I doubt it.  This is pisser Heaven and shockingly very well contstructed...IMO.

It always cracks me up whrn peeps don't see such telltale signs of a big old giant aquirt of urine in to the pond.

Please, please, please, please...be a pisser...otherwise, I take back everything I said in my review.

Hey everyone, just wanted to say thanks for all the reads. Was this a pisser? Yes and no. More like a first draft that I wrote in two days due to time restraints. Really came down to the wire on this one (still kicking myself for the title mishap). Regardless, I wanted this to be over the top, funny, and of course, morally reprehensible. And I think I succeeded to some degree.

Already working on the rewrite. I've done a lot more with a lot less so I'm excited to see where it goes. Thanks again for your help everyone.

Quoted from albinopenguin Was this a pisser? Yes and no. More like a first draft that I wrote in two days due to time restraints.

Well...my apologies, then, bro.  Actually, my apologies to a number of peeps who I questioned about this.

As a pisser, I absolutely love this!  As a serious script, I'm afraid my feelings aren't quite as positive.  I still love that dude Brock, though!  

No apologies needed! This wasn't meant to be serious by any means (obviously haha).

I'm actually experimenting with the idea of reversing everyone's sex. 3 party chics raping a bro, etc, etc.

"Dick punch you in the fart box."

I swear that line's going to (unfortunately) stick with me for a while.

Looking forward to the rewrite.

As long as I made an impression, I'm happy haha

Alright, so... now that I've had time to catch up on a few more pressing matters...

Tell me WHY you chose to go this route, writing and submitting a pisser?

I'm not at all being judgmental, I just have a casual interest in the decision making process of how someone goes from "I could do such-and-such" to "Hail, yeah! I think I will... pound, pound, pound... SEND-ola! Ahahahahahaha!"

Thank you, sincerely.

Well, time constraints are a big part of the equation. But I usually start with an outlandish idea and make it more digestible. Most of my ideas could be interpreted as pissers initially. But that's just me writing without boundaries. From there, I figure out what works and what doesn't.

Heck, my feature length was a mash up of Home Alone, Hostel, and the Hangover. It's just kinda my thing. I'd rather write something fun and brash.

Furthermore, I didn't want the audience to like these characters. They're digusting pigs. But I want to make them a little more unique. Add some depth. Definitely something I'll be adding to the rewrite.

Fair enough.
Yeah, they're disgusting pigs and Nemo's an idiot, which of course the world is indeed full of.

Thanks for the reply, AP.

Thanks for asking Ray.

If I might, I have a question for you (and everyone). Does the premise work? I mean, if you're depressed, suicidal, and vengeful, why not?

I think I need to add some more depth to Nemo. Make her more intelligent and explore her reasoning. Maybe I should offer an explanation as to why she chose to kill her attackers via shark attack rather than a shotgun to the face.

Before I go back and reread this - in a different light, of course - first tell me in what direction would you like to shift the genre focus to?
Absurdist comedy?
OTT, balls out comedy?
A dark tragedy?
What? Where?

Then I/we could cogitate on different approaches to that destination.

Good call. I'd say black comedy/drama.

Any of these you'd like to emulate?
http://www.the-numbers.com/market/genre/Black-Comedy
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/genres/chart/?id=blackcomedy.htm

haha more like all of those

Well lettuce see if wee can narrow that wide open range down by a few degrees.

Of these I've seen.

• Dark Shadows - (Stupid) queer (old sense, not new) vampire amid a dysfunctional family.
  
• Bernie - a Fargo-lite flik.
  
• Killer Joe - IDK WTH they get any comedy out of this sh!t horrible dysfunction-as-entertainment film.
  
• 50/50 - A wonderful film, lotta gallows humor.
  
• Super - Another great indie flik, mental health heroes. You should bookend this with 'Defendor.'
  
• Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - More comedy horror than dark comedy, but a great show.
  
• Four Lions - Turned it off fifteen minutes into it because it was too stupid trying to be funny.
  
• Kick-Ass - Dark comedy?! Really? Nah.
  
• Burn After Reading - Kinduva stupid flik is all I remember.
  
• You Kill Me - Ah, man! This one and 50/50 are great! Alcoholic mobster hitman tries to dry out to be better at his job.
  

Oh, and you should give 'The Guard' a fair day in court. Great show.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Guard_(2011_film)

How about you?
Seen some/most/all of those?
You just kinda lump 'em all together?

I dunno.

I just glazed over the script "as is", identified three 1980's surfer pothead fratties and a dead drunk girl.

Do you really wanna keep the shark thing?
Do you really wanna keep the 1980's surfer pothead lingo?
They seem like three f#cking idiots in a contrived situation instead of three amusing dummies in a f#cked up situation.

This "most" seems a lot like it could be like the tension mechanics of the "Vincent Vega and Marsellus Wallace's Wife" scene in Lance's living room in 'Pulp Fiction.'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulp_Fiction_(film)#.22Vincent_Vega_and_Marsellus_Wallace.27s_Wife.22
Not so bright guys in a situation where they could get into a lotta trouble, kinda don't really know exactly how to get themselves out of it.

Sound about right?

And you wanna do that with inebriated/hungover 1980 surfer fratties?

Quoted from albinopenguin No apologies needed! This wasn't meant to be serious by any means (obviously haha). I'm actually experimenting with the idea of reversing everyone's sex. 3 party chics raping a bro, etc, etc.

I have to say I love this idea.

Always try to turn something cliche on its ear.

Thanks man. I'm thinking of actually rewriting this three times. Turning the concept into a trilogy like set of shorts.

First short- revising what I already have.

Second short- reversing everyone's sexes.

Third short- the guys were injected with LSD and now they're tripping balls. And their guilt ridden past causes them to go on a terrible trip. Kinda like the baby from Trainspotting, but it's the sole focus.

Also, RayW, I've seen all of those films and love most of them. The only one I havent seen is You Kill Me. I'll be sure to check it out. Thanks for the recommendations!