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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Alaskan Sound - OWC
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  Author    Alaskan Sound - OWC  (currently 3630 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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As cheesy as this was in parts and filled with stereotypical annoying behaviour from the shark fodder, I liked it and it matched the Jaws theme perfectly.

I’d never heard of Salmon Sharks and thought you’d made it up so I researched it. Did you know there’s and an as-yet unexplained variability in the sex ratio between the eastern north Pacific and western north Pacific Salmon Shark? That must be true coz Wikipedia tells me so. I’m surprised you didn’t include this angle in your script!

Seriously though, a bit too many caps as has been stated by most here – less is more as they say. The action scenes I skimmed as I did find them confusing but according to one book I read recently (Save the Cat I think it was in) it says when people read scripts they tend to skip action as they want to get to the conclusion.  So try to get the action across as simply as possible.

I liked the little artistic flair at the end with the “The sounds of NATURE. The Alaskan SOUND”. Sure it’s unfilmable but I think a bit of stuff like that makes a script stand out, helps you imagine the scene; as long as it’s not used too much.

Overall another good OWC entry. Well done.

Mark


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DV44
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Nice touch having the story set in Alaska. It's the little things that seperate scripts in the OWC. A shark swimming in the frozen water helps that cause. I take it the hunter has seen the shark kill humans before? The bear getting mamed by the shark was the men's Alaska's nature sound so the humans getting their flesh ripped apart by the shark is the Alaska nature sound for the hunter. Funny stuff. A little hit and miss with the dialogue but all in all a solid effort. One I will remember.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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Forgive
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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I'd never heard of salmon sharks either. A bit lite over all, but a decent entry. All the guys died. Oh well.
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RayW
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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2. Alaskan Sound - Weekend warriors on vacation in Prince William Sound are seduced by the power of the Alaskan Wilderness, as they seek a rare trophy: the head of a vicious Salmon Shark.
Brief - Two tourist hunters and a native guide kinda hunt a bear biting salmon shark.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 5
Reeves, Bogues, ‘Nouk, Bear, Shark
Scenes to Build  - 5
Frozen ice sheet, rapids w/ salmon, forest run to rapids, ice shelf collapse, ice along the river sequence
Accessory Visual - 13
Salmon 2x, binoculars, shark, blood spray, boots, spear, fishnet, fish, gutting of fish, ‘Nouk rifle, Bogues undress, Bogues ripped apart
Accessory Audio - 18
Rapids, fish slap, fish slide, shark splash, bear howl, snow crunches, unsheathing, water splashing, fish entrail splats, ice breaking, bot-ice stomp, ice crack, ice break, shark tail whipping, shark stab, rifle shot, ice burst from bullet

Genre & Marketability - Action, Thriller
Script format - Good
Comments  -  The described complexity of the bear and shark sequences kicks them up to character status. You did a very nice job of crafting a drawn-out conflict, albeit with a pretty preposterous premise. Good use of mostly three scenes.
Final word - If the math comes out good I’d consider it (but it’s pretty ridiculous. Bear biting salmon sharks. Pfft.)

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 12.5          Screenplay Pages
= 125/188     Total Build Hours Time Cost



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Forgive
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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What's build hours??
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RayW
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
What's build hours??

Read "Dear Screenwriters":
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ScayL8RMF9O8TEPRaEoA_ytRGjG_KrLQSoLtwnv2Rls/edit

Things take time to make, including animations.
For every screen minute I'll probably spend ten to fifteen hours collecting, processing and animating both images and audio.

"Build hours" is my rough estimate of how many hours it would take me to turn words on a page into something to watch - if I can even do it in some cases.

There is a time cost to filmmaking.



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Forgive
Posted: April 11th, 2014, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Thanks Ray - I'll check that document out.
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wonkavite
Posted: April 12th, 2014, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Okay, both good and bad here.

In general, the writing itself was solid. Well constructed. This isn't a newbie.  I think.

In fact, the banter - especially at the beginning - is very well done.  There are lines that I absolutely smiled at.  For instance "the only sharks we have are in a suit and tie" "sharks are dangerous. So are we." "White people." "The lone wolf is the strong wolf." All really good.

The negatives: BOY the caps were unnecessary and distracting!  On another of the scripts, Finning, people were dinging the writer for the caps.  I had no problem with those.  These?  Just... ruined the reading experience and misapplied.  Also, the action sequence, which was the bullk of the story, dragged on too long.  Granted, you're dealing with a page minimum, here - and that's probably why.  But it lagged.

As for the ending?  I liked it.  Nice twist and recall of the earlier line.  That did work for me.  
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Last Fountain
Posted: April 20th, 2014, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thank for all the feedback, guys and gals.

This concept was based on delivering action. Simple. And underneath commenting on stupidity of hunting for pleasurel no other animal does this. Except for maybe a rogue shark in a movie right. The setting was a big selling point here too. The first image that came to me when I read the parameters was the bear on ice. And the blood vandalizing the pure white.

The stock characters are stupid. Maybe too stupid here. I wanted to comment on how native cultures seem to not over hunt or deplete their resources.  Hence the white people joke.  Nature has it that animals attack and defend. Simple.

Thanks for commenting on some of the dumb action elements.  It's a fine line on what the reader or viewer will forgive.

Thanks for pointing out the confusing action descriptions. This is something I'm working on. I think I reduced the amount of overwriting I was guilt of with earlier entries. I tried to keep it crisp and impactful. But yeah, I definitely overdid the caps and sound effects. Good to know.

Really with both shorts I wrote this time, I just wanted to deliver 10 minutes of excitement. Just enjoy a shark attack. Simple.

I'm glad some of you liked it. I'm always trying to take a familiar story or genre and twist it just enough. Like alaskan salmon shark and the found footage of my other entry.

It was worth the rushed job. I'm pleased with the reception. Thanks folks.

If anyone would like to swap reviews, I'm down. I have a few features I'm rewriting and could use feedback on. And I'll try and analyze your stuff as best I can.


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Leegion
Posted: April 21st, 2014, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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This was quite enthralling, very good stuff from the start.  I liked the characters, two weekend hunters on a trip to snatch themselves a salmon shark in the Alaskan Sound.

The visuals were good and the scenes amplified as the journey went along.  Dialogue was great in some parts, though it did at times, fall below its peek.  Not much, but I did notice it at certain times.

You pretty much nailed the rogue shark, the kills were excellent, lots of blood, tons of gore and this bad-boy even went as far to attack a damn bear!  Gees, remind me never to piss off a salmon shark, lol.

Good stuff here, LF, shame I never read this when the challenge was open though, guess I missed a couple a good ones.

Short: 8/10 (nice story about friends on a weekend hunting trip)
Shark: 9.5/10 (unrelenting, unstoppable and terrifying)

Revision History (1 edits)
Leegion  -  April 23rd, 2014, 10:17am
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