Hey,

I like that you seem to know about what you write. I mean the fishing. It's entertaining even if I haven't got a clue how to fish.

Good vibe of self experience. Reminds me to Into the blue or 127 hours, or especially this Herzog "Bear Docu". Yes, it feels so idiotic to fish for shark with a canoe. What an idiot . The tension of the upcoming problem is nice.

Good last picture. The concept is well-chosen. A lot of action. So who won the civil case?

You should have trimmed this to 12, better 10. There's partly too much description of every action. It's appears partly repetitive, the monologue could be cut down too. Nevertheless, it's another good script concerning the theme: how we could careless lose our lives. Don't try this at home...

POV felt a bit confusing at first - like you were going in and out of it... might help if you had a couple of 'looking downs' etc.

Your (yells) needs to be a wryly.

"He gulps the beer, watching it..." Little things like this put the read off, as we can't see his eyes, so it'd just disappear etc.

There's a few too many CAPS on display here.

I got a bit confused on which rod he was working with on p5. as you go from 'side-rod' to 'side-reel' - I thought you meant the side reel on the shark-rod.

I think the beer should have been noted - he grabs one, that's okay, but later they start clanging against one another, so there's a bunch of them.

Aside from those gripes, the writing itself looks pretty good.

Okay - noted the rogue bit. Tick for that, but very expositional. And, I wondered, how does he know? I think a line like that would be better right after the shark raced for the boat, else it seems like he's guessing at just the right time.

"He looks to his BLEEDING foot - SLICED from the broken glass." I wonder if this could be worked in better? It's a past action, and might have been good to see - maybe have some glass stuck in it as he tried to pick it out - in a script as pared down as this, minor things like that work well because they become big challenges.

p8. You effectively intro a new character - you could have had Niles speak to camera early on with a quick 'Hi honey' bit, as this later dialogue would sit a little better.

Okay - now we get the glass shards out of the foot - all the tension's gone..? On him cutting the line -- maybe a hestitation fist, some fight with it, the line suddenly moves etc - just ways to use the dynamism a bit more.

The camera FALLS of the helmet. --off the helmet.

Good idea - though - and I liked the one-on-one nature of all this. It gave it a good stark feel, a good one-on-one fight. I also liked that Niles survived - I got to a stage at the end where I thought, and then he dies - which he didn't, so nice that this one's different.

The dialogue was a bust for me, but maybe Niles forced a little showmanship during the video too.

I will say one thing about this script I thought was brilliant. Knowing that this is pre-disclosed found footage, great job with Niles and cutting the line away. It puts the reader into a safe place for a moment, creating tension that moves the story forward.

What a great technique to ponder: whenever predictability begins to peak, take the reader away from it so predictability becomes anticipated, not expected. I learned something cool!

Good effort,

Johnny

what I liked:

Basically well written. Easy enough to get through.

I can see where the FF concept would be tempting here, however...

what needs to be worked on:

Quoted Text This. Is. Impossible

...and that's pretty much the problem.

FF is cool...but a HUGE challenge for reasons everyone knows. I imagine this is the writer's first attempt at it. And he found himself wondering, for example, how do we show the shark kill the guy?

This led to the writer having the hat floating in the water...just happens to be filming the action...even as it sinks. And that's the problem with found footage.

I'm also not too sure about trying to catch a shark, which ways hundreds of pounds, in a canoe. I'm no sea man(cue the jokes!)...but is that remotely possible?

Not a bad effort on the dialogue, but needs a ton of work.

Quoted Text All he knows is how to kill.

Stuff like that crosses into weird. Which happens whenever we crank out a script, so to be expected for OWC. But needs to be mentioned.

16. Reel Tension - A former soldier fights the battle of his life, when he reels in a massive shark.
Brief -

Characters to Animate/Voice - 2
Niles, Hammerhead underwater
Scenes to Build  - 10
360° Helmet cam POV ocean around boat + sky (9x), underwater
Accessory Visual - 22
Fishing pole 2x, pole to holster, beer, baits hook, casts, seagulls flying 3x, reel spinning, Niles reels in, caught fish, shark fin, shark tail, beer bottles, bleeding face + fingers + foot 3x, line cutting, oar paddling
Accessory Audio - 9
Ocean waves, rock music, beer opening, reel free spinning out, reel clicks to stop, waves against canoe, bottles smash, camera thrust underwater, oar/hull bangs

Genre & Marketability - Action Adventure
Script format - Good
Comments  -  MAN! Making that 360° scene from down/level/up is gonna be a PITA! I can do it, but MAN is it gonna be a hassle. I do NOT know how to make that line zip back and forth - as much as I want to do it. Hmm… I’ll have to think of a way to do that. I’m gonna ditch the underwater bleeding fish bit on pg4, will think of a simpler solution, like just having them on the side of the canoe.
     Alright, by page seven I’ve given up hope of being able to do this with the animation skill set and tools I have available. It’s just beyond my skill level. Sorry. Hope you understand.
Producer hat off, reader hat on: Well… That’s a nice big budget twelve minute short you got there. It’s a good story - for a novel. But… uh… how is anyone going to actually film all of this shark activity without spending thousands on water props or CGI?
Final word - Pass. Unproduceable for any sensible budget. It’s a great story, though! Great use of a single location and basically two characters, but… eh. Can’t do it.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 12.6          Screenplay Pages
= 126/189     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Thanks everybody for taking the time to review this short. I really do appreciate it, eh.

I'm glad a few of you seemed to like it and had fun. I was also suprised this scored so well on Ray's spreadsheet. Thanks for all that analysis. Along with a lot of good suggestions, this really helps inform the craft, for me.

I wrote 2 entries, so time was sparse. This one, I just wanted to sell the simple concept: shark attack. Low budget, so 1 on 1. Found footage format keeps it cheap too. I just wanted to give 10 minutes of excitement.

It was challenging to convey character without seeing the guy, without any other characters, and without a voiceover. I'm glad some liked the simple images I tried to tell backstory with. Like dogtags and wedding ring tapping.  Obviously I had to cheat with some dialogue to himself. To develop some emotion with wife and child. And convey stupidity of war, be it soldiers or battling mother nature.

I agree I went a bit overboard with on the nose dialogue. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Stylistically, I also over capped. It really stood out once I noticed it mentioned by so many. It was a different style I was testing from previous OWC. Sparse. Tense imagery. And too many sound fx. Hehehe. Whoops.

On the whole, I'm pleased with the entry and glad it was pretty well received.

Thanks again guys and gals. These challenges are always a lot of fun. Each element, from the parameters to writing reviews.

If anyone liked my reviews I'd gladly swap feedback on features and the like. I take my time, so if you're patient, I'll try my best to help out from structure, to entertainment,  to thematic developments. I really do enjoy each element of film.