Mixed feelings for me on this one. I like the ending... very fitting of a samurai. I also like this type of story. Got a little boring in parts with all the description... for me it was a little too much as I have read this type of thing before. Enjoyable in a novel, but a little much for a screenplay. However, it is necessary because people here that didn't know so much, now do... so it's hard for me to say this is overwritten as it appears from other responses that they enjoyed it. I enjoyed the tale. Good story and probably the winner for me.

A glowing hearth sits atop of a concave tower: sits atop a concave tower, as it's a preposition.

This is very nicely written, and full of vivid visual descriptions. Looks like you have good knowledge of the culture you're writing about.

Not a lot happens, mind.

I wasn't too sure why Korehisa would refuse to serve a government led by Samurai, if he was himself a Samurai.

A cherry blossom petal glides into the villa; Captain Kenji
senses it and girds his sword as it gravitates to his boots.
--should your semi-colon be a period?

--Okay, so on page 9 we get Korehisa's reasons.

Well, it's very well written, but why call it Samebito?

p.3 you STB, and then FADE IN:, but on p.11 you FTB, but there's no FADE IN: to follow?

Okay. Not too sure what to say really. In principle it seems to be a simple tale of two men wth a joint goal - one out for vengeance as the fish killed his brother and humiliated his father, and the other due to dwindling fish stock against rising taxes. They join forces, recognise each other and the beast of the deep is killed.

It's well written, well motivated, and well researched. It should do something for me, but doesn't for some reason.

Quoted from nawazm11 but I had trouble getting into it, almost like I was looking at this from an outsider's perspective rather than being invested into the story.

Just looking throught the other feedback ...interesting point - maybe that's why it didn't hook me in?

Well, I believe this is the last script I've to read at this OWC, and it would appear I've left the best for last. The story itself is enchanting, and the landscape, lucid dream work and imagery connects everything together like a well machined clockwork music box. I'm a huge mythology junkie, and this story makes me want to run to the book store, goose step up to the front counter and ask for, nay... demand they hand over whatever they possess on Japanese culture, d*mn it! LOL  Mind you, the internet could probably suffice to get me started.

OK then, the primary reason I really liked this is... well, I've seen an eerily similar script design many years ago, not the actual story itself, something completely different, but just as enticing; Memoirs of a Geisha.

The introduction works well for various reasons, but mainly because you're introducing your general audience into a world that is very different, almost alien to, what they see on a daily basis, including the naming convention of places and people. Unfortunately, because it is otherworldly, you have to engage the reader with an enchanting and well thought out dialog that moves the piece in cadence with the lucid images they're attempting to grasp consciously. I was able to instantly connect with the primary character in this piece, because I consciously heard Sayuri's V.O. (Memoirs of a Geisha) from within. Don't get me wrong, this was a well researched and beautifully woven story; however, I do feel somewhat disconnected from the piece simply because I'm at a loss for the complex 'far east' culture. I guess my only remedy for that at this time is to crack a book and get started.

Anyways, as stated, well crafted, well thought out, and I can easily see this script being voted in as a favorite for many readers! Congrats for getting this one in!

This was a well written peace boasting excellent visuals, great dialogue and sturdy action.

The story takes a little while to get going but once it does it really thrives.  Vengeance.  Redemption.  Honor.  Rite of Passage.  All of them present and all with meaning.

I have to admit this is one of the most mesmerising pieces I've read in a while.  It really captures Post-War Feudal Japan in a way.  The use of Samurai Warriors is excellent, scenery is gorgeous and descriptions bang on par with some of the best.

Some may admit, I too, that it is described a little too well.  You use a lot of words that, I personally, do not understand without taking a gander upon a dictionary.  The details are rich and vibrant, enough so to warrant it tough to film were a director to snap this up for a project, but that's not a bad thing, detail is grand and here it is plenty.

The ending was excellent.  The painted eyelids to match his nemesis were great.  You did a fantastic job at crafting well-rounded characters and a vast story full of rich detail and potential.

Short: 9.5/10 (for a standalone piece this is a phenomenal effort)
Shark: 9/10 (menacing, provoking, ever-present and epic)

Kudos for asserting your mind to completing an enthralling tale, writer.

Wow! This writer is one talented motherfocker!

However...

Sadly it helped me realize something: I am not very bright.

Especially when it comes to reading scripts.

Sometimes it really is a challenge for me to process the set up information. The names, the legends. And I admit, I had to stop and reread page 1 like 3 times. Finally I just decided to take notes until I had the names and exposition down.

One reason I was willing to do so was because I recognized I was in very capable hands right away.

The fact that I had to learn Japanese names and expressions added to the difficulty, but that's no fault of the writer, who did his homework and handled the task deftly. Again, I'm just a little slow, so the problem was on my end.

I am going to point out what are some problems IMO, but hopefully notes from the peanut gallery, of which I am a vocal member, don't scare you off. If this were the NCAA, I would tell you to declare yourself for the NBA draft, because even if you ain't ready, teams will recognize the talent.

So let's get to the review.

what I liked:

The writing, the attention to detail, the proper care and tone that is taken with the myth building, the respectful yet colorful portrayal of culture, the accurate historical research, did I say the writing?...the mostly authentic and believable dialogue, the settings, the imagery...and of course the writing.

what could be worked on:

Despite all the brilliance displayed and craftsmanship, the story building itself is weak. Flat. Take heart, you only had a week, that can be fixed.

It's flat because it's mostly myth building. That's the problem with fantasy or certain period pieces, and this is a bit of both. It's hard enough to create a simple and emotionally moving story...it's extremely hard when the writer has to do all this set up and world building.

For this story to move us, we have to care that the surviving brother gets the shark. And we have to care about the Nagayo himself. We absolutely do not care about either.

Because...we never see the bond between the brothers. Not even a glimpse. When the brother is taken by the shark, we don't even see Nagayo's reaction. We don't experience any sense of loss. All we get is a quick image of the boy going under...and a VO description from the adult Nagayo. And even then, there is no emotion in his voice.

So we only understand the brother's need to kill the shark on an intellectual level...we  see the trap being built. We don't feel it.

And we never get to know Nagayo at all. What kind of man is he? Why should we care about him? We don't have any sense of him at all...we just get a history lesson. That's simply not good story telling.

The closest thing this comes to delving into character is actually with Captain Kenji, who we see has an initial disdain of Nagayo as a traitor, and then becomes an admiring friend. But so much time is given to the world building, that the bond between these two is very understated. And Kenji really kinda just watches Nagayo die. There are no heroic moments or attempts. So there is not much to hang our hat on as far as that bond.

Also, I'm not sure why Nagayo needed Kenji. Is it because he doesn't have access to a boat? If so, why is he known as a great fisherman who Kenji seeks out? If he does have access to a boat, why does he accept the partnership of Kenji, who more or less insults him at first? Maybe I missed stuff there.

All in all, a great OWC because of the talent on display and the care given.

For example: It illuminates cherry blossom petals
that dance in the tranquil breeze -- autumn's confetti.

though this one: No abysmal
creature has ever escaped his hook
...was a little weird.

I would be very tempted to select this one with my pick. But there are way more than 4 characters, even if one doesn't count the villagers and children. I counted I think 7..no,wait, then there is the Showgun army...man, there are a lot of characters.

Oh, one more thing: was the opening legend about the tortoise and stuff really needed? I think the writer was trying to tie that into the shark, but I can't make it all add up in my feeble mind. I mean Urashima saved tortoises from wicked children...the shark eats people...I don't see the connection. I guess Nagayo is supposed to be the new Urashima, riding the shark to the underworld. That would fit better of Nagayo was more like the myth, saving sea life or something.

A word on VO: we amateurs are warned against using V.O. This story is both an example of how it can be written well...and why one should think twice about using it.

For VO to be effective, it needs to do one of two things. Either it needs to help bring us into the story, or it needs to help bond us to the character which is narrating. Let me hopefully explain.

In Goodfellas, the VO is effective at helping to bring us into the story. It helps us know why the main character is doing what he's doing, which establishes the stakes. Stakes are story.

Another thing VO can do is bring us into the mind of the main character if he is narrating. This works if that voice presents the character as someone we want to follow around for two hours.  

In this story, the VO, though technically well done, is used only to give us back story. So it doesn't help move the story. It sets up the story, but that's not the same. That doesn't mean it's necessarily bad. I mean a quick VO to get things going so we can get right to the meat of the story can be fine. But this VO takes 2.5 pages of an 11 page story. Brother(or sister), that is a risky thing to do with an audience.

A trick might be to get through this VO back story in a way that allows this voice to give us a greater sense of Nagayo. And that really only works well if he is a colorful character, which he is certainly not, and probably can't be because of his Samurai nature.

I suggest dispensing the legend stuff. Use that space to develop the bond between the two twins while the father is under attack. Then we will understand and feel his desire to get revenge on the shark.

Excellent work though!

That's a great review and feedback, Kevin!

Was this one yours, Jeff? Very impressed if so.

Not Jeff's style

18. Samebito - Ten years after losing his brother to the jaws of a mythical shark named Samebito, a 12th century Japanese fisherman enlists the aide of a ship's Captain to hunt down and exact his vengeance.
Brief -

Characters to Animate/Voice -
Scenes to Build  -
Accessory Visual -
Accessory Audio -

Genre & Marketability -
Script format -
Comments  -  Uhhh... I can’t use this. Sorry.
Final word - Pass. The thought of attempting to animate galloping horses, samurai donning kabuto helmets, and minka-style fishing cabins just makes my head go “THHHHPP!”

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.2          Screenplay Pages
= 112/168     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Rich, terrific writing.  As one of the other reviewers mentioned, it reads like a Japanese rendition of Moby Dick.  And the end visual is wonderful.

Really nothing bad to say about this one.  

I can't say it truly hooked me in.. partially because of the density of the descriptions (something I don't fault the script for - they were appropriate to the story, but did slow down the read a for me.) And... Japanese feudal stories just aren't my style. In other words, it's not you - it's me.

But do I respect the talent that the writer shows in this one?  Very definitely.

This is not a script I would have chosen to read but wanted to get to as many of these as possible this week. I still moved it toward the end of my reads because I thought I'd have a hard time picturing it and identifying with the characters. Just not a subject matter I could easily get.

Had it been a longer script, I'd say the pages flew by...so I guess you could say the words flew by. I was absorbed in this and stayed that way.

The descriptions were just enough. Not too wordy to lose me but done with enough skill to have me hearing and seeing it. At the same time I wanted a little more - more background on the characters and history but had you done that it would messed it up but you did so well with this script that it hit a curious nerve in me in something I wouldn't have otherwise cared about.

I'm assuming the dialogue works for the time period. It seemed to match the tone.

What's under rated here is the story. If that's not interesting, then your ability to create this world would not have mattered. You set a high bar for what you attempted and cleared it.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Was this one yours, Jeff? Very impressed if so.

No...not me, but I too was very impressed with much of the writing and storytelling here.

Excellent work gentlemen!

Wow, guys - beautiful writing in this... Congratulations!  )))

--Janet