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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Samebito - OWC
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  Author    Samebito - OWC  (currently 7290 views)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone for investing your time to read and comment, and several thanks to Tim, who is an amazing writer to tell a story with!

The research for this was mostly listening to the Samurai Archives Japanese History Podcast on my way to work and back, focused on the Kamakura period. Our goal was to approach this with as much respect and accuracy toward Japanese culture, folklore, and tradition. The biggest challenge was in that goal--to strike a balance for those unfamiliar, to develop characters in limited pages, and to turn a young, solitary fisherman into a hardboiled legend.

Reflecting on the feedback, I'm thrilled with some of the decisions we made, and others that need a few touch-ups.

I believe your analysis is correct, Kevin. Though for us, it wasn't intended to come across like a history lesson, rather a seed for thematic revelation to compliment the end. Kenji passes his legend down in the same manner the Samurai do with their children. But that info is disclosed through VO and may have been lost there. Kenji states there's no difference in a man's honor--ya either got it or ya don't--no matter who you are or what your title is. Ten warriors bring forth on color tied into that. But all that being said, in the end there must be stakes appropriate to cause and effect to develop a protagonist. You pretty much hit it right on the button! I'm sure we can support this critical element within structure quite easily. Thanks for your feedback.

Grammar chop! (my favorite part)

Tim cleverly noticed I spelled "cavalry" wrong after submitting. Doh!


Quoted Text
Pg. 4 The word “moreover” is lost in a screenplay (and I’m not even sure its use here is correct)


-- Great eye for grammar and you're right! Although correct in execution, the context of its use is incorrect. My intention was to pump up the visual, but the use of "moreover" should be applied to support a negative clause. And let's face it, this isn't an essay; moreover, there's no need for it in the first place. Consider that fixed. Thank you Eric!


Quoted Text
Pg. 4 - "It illuminates cherry blossom petals that dance in the tranquil breeze -- autumn's confetti."  Novel worthy descriptions. I remember saying this to someone in one of the recent OWC's. I wonder if this is the same writer.  Hmmm.


-- I've learned from this OWC that cringing occurs when the word "novel" is applied to his craft. But I'm starting to see the craft differently and, from its fine line, these kind of pitches within a visual can be effective. But maybe not for everyone's taste.

-- Also, when you sniffed out my fragrance I was impressed!


Quoted Text
A glowing hearth sits atop of a concave tower: sits atop a concave tower, as it's a preposition.


-- Great catch Simon! There can only be one. Looks much better now, thanks.

Also...

A cherry blossom petal glides into the villa; Captain Kenji senses it and girds his sword as it gravitates to his boots.

-- If I went with a period there, it might've been a speed bump rather than cohesion. I wanted to connect the two clauses together for the best effect. But definitely worth pointing out. I might change it.

Great theme and really far-out entries from the writers! Thanks for a few weeks worthwhile.

Johnny

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  April 15th, 2014, 11:19am
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mmmarnie
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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What a team. Seriously awesome writing guys. A very cool story that IMO should be expanded.

JohnnyO...I'm going to say it again...WRITE...A...NOVEL.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mmmarnie
JohnnyO...I'm going to say it again...WRITE...A...NOVEL.

Only if you adapt it.  

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mmmarnie
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm bookmarking this thread. DEAL!!


boop
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TimWestland
Posted: April 15th, 2014, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to read and comment.

John is a great collaborator and we had a blast writing this. He and I have similar styles and thought processes - so it was easy and quick.
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Gum
Posted: April 16th, 2014, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Johnny, Tim,

Congrats for creating such a complex, and entertaining take on this OWC theme! Awesome work!
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 16th, 2014, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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One of my 4 considerations. Just the right mix of world-building and story. The tone was held throughout. Not sure it would hold up so well to being filmed aside from some type of Japanese animation-type deal... but as a standalone script it's great.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 17th, 2014, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Very impressive, guys!
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TimWestland
Posted: April 17th, 2014, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys and gals,

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the script and provided comments.

I honestly believe that every negative comment is in reality a positive one - simply because each one teaches me something.

I like the positive ones, too, of course.

And for those of you who came back and posted congrats - very kind of you... Thank you.

I look forward to taking part more and more in the challenges and reviews.
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TimWestland
Posted: April 17th, 2014, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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And thanks to Johnny - the script was his idea. When he asked me to collaborate on it, I resisted at first due to my current "real job workload" and that fact that I'm working on two other feature projects. But he was (thankfully) politely persistent (sneaky) and within two email exchanges I was onboard and we were writing this thing together.

If you ever have the opportunity to work with John, take it. You'll never find a person who is easier to work with - who also has butt loads of talent. He's pretty amazing.
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