Samebito by John Robbins & Tim Westland - Short, Shark - Ten years after losing his brother to the jaws of a mythical shark named Samebito, a 12th century Japanese fisherman enlists the aide of a ship's Captain to hunt down and exact his vengeance. - pdf, format

Another unique take on the challenge. I liked the setting and the direction this chose to go down. It created some nice visuals. The story’s decent, but not without drawbacks…

I think there might be some overwriting here. It seems to read well at first, but then a couple lines go by and I realize I don’t have a picture in my head of what’s happening. At the bottom of page 3 for instance, the trap’s construction seems to be meticulously detailed, but when I get through to the end of the scene, I find I still don’t have a clear idea of what it looks like or how it’s supposed to function in a practical sense.  Here and there are instances of over description hindering my ability to picture your visuals, this was one of them.

Pg. 4 The word “moreover” is lost in a screenplay (and I’m not even sure its use here is correct)

The story takes way too long to get going. The first hint of action in your main story comes at page 9. After all was said and done, I wanted more on-the-boat scenes and less of the extensive set-up that came before it. The manner in which Nagayo goes about his revenge is absurdly insane, but it’s also my favorite part of the story. I just wish the read had been easier.

Congrats on completing the OWC

Two words; Utterly flawless.

I only wish I could write this good

I'll be interested to find out who wrote this.  I'd like to read more of your scripts.

Outstanding, IMO.

I dug this one a lot. Excellent visuals, powerful and evocative writing, a solid grasp of the era and the culture, and strong on character. Most important, it's a damn good story.

I also had a bit of trouble with some of the imagery, getting lost in descriptions without getting a clear picture of what I was reading. Not that it was over-written, I enjoyed the length of the descriptions and the time taken for imagery and tone, but a bit more attention paid to specifics and geography within the scenes would help.

I'm highly impressed, this is far more polished than usual for an OWC. Great job, I enjoyed reading it.

Your opening reads like it's going to be a feature. 2 1/2 pages of VO then you hit us with the movie title. It was visual and extremely well written but for a 12 pager, to add the title at over 2 minutes in, IMO is a little much. I'd lose the title card. Just leave it with Nagayo saying it as dialog.

Pg. 4 - "It illuminates cherry blossom petals that dance in the tranquil breeze -- autumn's confetti."  Novel worthy descriptions. I remember saying this to someone in one of the recent OWC's. I wonder if this is the same writer.  Hmmm.

Okay...so you've gone WAAAY over the four character limit. What a shame. This was shaping up to most likely be my vote for fave.

Anyway, excellent work for only a week. You are an amazing visual writer, which can be a hard talent to tame when writing a short screenplay.

Beautifully written, but hard to take in and visualize much.

Lots of unfilmables that should go.

Too much dialogue that almost reads like a history lesson – I applaud the knowledge and probable research on display, but IMO, it’s overkill and again, it makes this a very, very tough read that seems to go forever.

Well, for me, this didn’t work, but I can easily see where some will fall in love with the style on display.

Too many characters, an insane budget and an ending that came as a letdown.  Hard to criticize such a monumental effort, and I won’t.

Very impressive effort and congrats on entering.

At first the title sounds awful. Absolutely awful.

I opened it with the numbing dread of a man waiting for his phone bill whose just worked out what roaming charges are, after he's just returned from a holiday where he spent most of it phoning everybody he knew back home for long chats.

But it's quite good. As Dreamscale said, this does appear to be well researched.

Halfway through though and there's not much happening. In a longer piece that would be okay, but in a short it feels as though it's treading water.

Maybe to someone who knew more about Japanese traditions and culture this story may have had more impact. Unfortuately I know little, so most of this is going way over my head. It's like that time I tried to show my dog a magic trick, only this time I can empathise with the dog.

It'd be great if it had more action and the bar was set a little lower for the more ignorant among us. Like me.

R

The seppuku followed the shark fin coming out of the water is an awesome scene. Great imagery. Awesome script as well. The only hard part in reading it was that it was so densely Japanese. I also think this movie would make a spetacular Japanese woodcut.

This is an insane script for a week's worth of work. There is a lot going on in these 13 pages. Very very good.

You seem like a good enough writer so it's just strange that you'd start the script on such a strange word that nobody knows. Amanohashidate? A location? If anything, that should belong in the slug. And then isthmus? Okay, it's descriptive but what if a producer was reading this? This is literally the first line he or she comes across, I'd probably be rolling my eyes right about now. Don't invest that much into the reader so early.

And then the note? There are ways to avoid it, maybe by just saying that dialogue in italics is in Japanese. It throws you out of the read. Anyway, moving on...

You've already gave us two middle fingers regarding the four character rule.

I literally got like two things from that exposition filled voice over.

And it's still going? WTF?

Wait, what did the father do? Treason? For what?

The way you write it, it's almost as if the words Kanji characters are in the super itself.

Okay, I know I shouldn't be harping on about this but the four characters, major part of the challenge itself. I know plenty of writers, me included, who struggled to follow it. And it's not a stretch to say your script would be nothing alike if you were forced to reduce it to just four. Losing a lot of its quality whilst doing so. Which is exactly my problem, other scripts lost the same quality so I find it almost rage inducing that you couldn't read over the rules once more. Any more characters after Kenji and I'm out.

The writing, although a little too technical, was solid for the most part. The research was definitely there, it's just that most of the expositional garbage was lost in the voice over and I didn't really understand why they were after Samebito, he killed his brother? That's a solid enough reason, I wouldn't push it further.

Not sure about this one, I really do appreciate the effort but I had trouble getting into it, almost like I was looking at this from an outsider's perspective rather than being invested into the story. There are good moments here and there, but it's was just lost on me. Good effort.

Very good writing on display here.

Not much to say about this one except I didn’t find one mistake. This writer knows his way around a story. Wish I could say more.

Great job.

Samebito

Interesting start and place, quite like it
He got what for rescuing a tortoise - did I read that right?

Powerful scene - his son killed as soldiers arrive to get him. Twin attacks. Excellent. I will remember that for my own scripts.

Mind you I would say there is a lot of VO
SMASH TO BLACK - not required and doesn't really add.

By p9 I am well overloaded with backstory and history - if true great research but way too much for a short, especially as it's Japanese and I've never heard of any of it. You could lose some detail and the story would improve, less is more sometimes.

Very Japanese with honour being served - but why did he have to revenge in a wild animal performing it's normal function? Isn't that against karma, or whatever it's called. Yes it killed his brother but what's a shark meant to do.

Overall a big story, maybe too much for a short, but that said a decent, decent effort.

I'll repeat everyone on the writing points. Great writing!

But this was thick. Real thick. So much description and back-story that I sort of lost what the story was about.

It's almost like sensory overload where there is so much in front of you, that you can hardly see anything.

This should be a setup for a feature.

Shawn.....><

Impressive. Impressive. Impressive. <--- Yeah, it was that good. My only gripe was that it took too long for the action to get going but once it did I didn't want it to stop. Topnotch writing, very visual throughout. Dialogue sounded natural. Can't comment too much since I don't know a lick about Samurai's and there culture. Great job!

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Stylish. Historical epic.

Right away I'm in love with your style. All it took was the titlecard in Japanese. 1197, japan. And it's subtitled. Yes!  Nice imagery throughout.  Heavy beginnings with the son killed. Nice editing technique with the blade fin transition. Great. Intense. And the sound design would be interesting too.

I loved the images of small to large jaws, mounted on the wall. And the transition to the blank wall. Nice work here. For me the manipulation really worked. I assumed this tale was being told by an elderly nagayo. This image also instantly tells us we're in the past.  I love the detailed descriptions. Like a sash of hooks across his chest, like a soldier's ammo.

Cool gadget, pelican hook. Intense way to show its use and foreshadow. Now I'm really anticipating its use vs shark.

I love the period setting and all the locations but this kinda breaks the low budget aspect. But man did I love that you took time to describe the establishing shot with the cherry blossoms. We've seen nature's horror, nice to see its beauty too.

Great throughline... 10 warriors bring forth one colour... red. Afterall nagayo represents his father and mother on his quest for revenge.

Intense character meeting. Don't move! With the trap. Great stuff. I like that their motives are clear. Teach me and get revenge. I like this story, it would be nice to experience in feature form. There's a lot of history to explore here. I liked itl I wonder how you would expand on these elements with more pages. Good work there.

The action rushes by. Nice clean descriptions. Consider removing short slugs. It's a stylish preference. For me it works better with more set-ups, here it's just 2. Trap. Boat. I also liked the black makeup on eyelids. Badass. He's imagining what the shark thinks.at ine with the beast. Like traditional war paint. Cool imagery.

Such savage revenge. All that matters is the shark dies. And honour is restored. Powerful motivation.plus fishing industry thrives now without monster shark.

Good style, unique flavour. Samurai! Strong period setting with good emphasis on history. Intense moments. A compelling tale of restoring honour.

Ancient Japanese Moby Dick – A very interesting, rich and compelling addition to this OWC.

I have no idea  about this 12th Century world or its culture but you gave me enough information to visualise it and follow it smoothly enough. My favourite moment is when he closed his eye to reveal the painted black eyelids that match his adversary; it made me go cold and sent a shiver down my spine.

My only comment, not a criticism, is it may be a tad too rich for some. A Director would struggle to put their own stamp on something so well described, they have egos even bigger then authors apparently! If you submit scripts to studios (and you should with talent like this) consider that scripts are blueprints for collaboration; the producers and Directors will want to add their touch; if you do your job too well it may put them off.  

But this is staggeringly brilliant.

Well done for a top notch OWC.

Mixed feelings for me on this one. I like the ending... very fitting of a samurai. I also like this type of story. Got a little boring in parts with all the description... for me it was a little too much as I have read this type of thing before. Enjoyable in a novel, but a little much for a screenplay. However, it is necessary because people here that didn't know so much, now do... so it's hard for me to say this is overwritten as it appears from other responses that they enjoyed it. I enjoyed the tale. Good story and probably the winner for me.

A glowing hearth sits atop of a concave tower: sits atop a concave tower, as it's a preposition.

This is very nicely written, and full of vivid visual descriptions. Looks like you have good knowledge of the culture you're writing about.

Not a lot happens, mind.

I wasn't too sure why Korehisa would refuse to serve a government led by Samurai, if he was himself a Samurai.

A cherry blossom petal glides into the villa; Captain Kenji
senses it and girds his sword as it gravitates to his boots.
--should your semi-colon be a period?

--Okay, so on page 9 we get Korehisa's reasons.

Well, it's very well written, but why call it Samebito?

p.3 you STB, and then FADE IN:, but on p.11 you FTB, but there's no FADE IN: to follow?

Okay. Not too sure what to say really. In principle it seems to be a simple tale of two men wth a joint goal - one out for vengeance as the fish killed his brother and humiliated his father, and the other due to dwindling fish stock against rising taxes. They join forces, recognise each other and the beast of the deep is killed.

It's well written, well motivated, and well researched. It should do something for me, but doesn't for some reason.

Quoted from nawazm11 but I had trouble getting into it, almost like I was looking at this from an outsider's perspective rather than being invested into the story.

Just looking throught the other feedback ...interesting point - maybe that's why it didn't hook me in?

Well, I believe this is the last script I've to read at this OWC, and it would appear I've left the best for last. The story itself is enchanting, and the landscape, lucid dream work and imagery connects everything together like a well machined clockwork music box. I'm a huge mythology junkie, and this story makes me want to run to the book store, goose step up to the front counter and ask for, nay... demand they hand over whatever they possess on Japanese culture, d*mn it! LOL  Mind you, the internet could probably suffice to get me started.

OK then, the primary reason I really liked this is... well, I've seen an eerily similar script design many years ago, not the actual story itself, something completely different, but just as enticing; Memoirs of a Geisha.

The introduction works well for various reasons, but mainly because you're introducing your general audience into a world that is very different, almost alien to, what they see on a daily basis, including the naming convention of places and people. Unfortunately, because it is otherworldly, you have to engage the reader with an enchanting and well thought out dialog that moves the piece in cadence with the lucid images they're attempting to grasp consciously. I was able to instantly connect with the primary character in this piece, because I consciously heard Sayuri's V.O. (Memoirs of a Geisha) from within. Don't get me wrong, this was a well researched and beautifully woven story; however, I do feel somewhat disconnected from the piece simply because I'm at a loss for the complex 'far east' culture. I guess my only remedy for that at this time is to crack a book and get started.

Anyways, as stated, well crafted, well thought out, and I can easily see this script being voted in as a favorite for many readers! Congrats for getting this one in!

This was a well written peace boasting excellent visuals, great dialogue and sturdy action.

The story takes a little while to get going but once it does it really thrives.  Vengeance.  Redemption.  Honor.  Rite of Passage.  All of them present and all with meaning.

I have to admit this is one of the most mesmerising pieces I've read in a while.  It really captures Post-War Feudal Japan in a way.  The use of Samurai Warriors is excellent, scenery is gorgeous and descriptions bang on par with some of the best.

Some may admit, I too, that it is described a little too well.  You use a lot of words that, I personally, do not understand without taking a gander upon a dictionary.  The details are rich and vibrant, enough so to warrant it tough to film were a director to snap this up for a project, but that's not a bad thing, detail is grand and here it is plenty.

The ending was excellent.  The painted eyelids to match his nemesis were great.  You did a fantastic job at crafting well-rounded characters and a vast story full of rich detail and potential.

Short: 9.5/10 (for a standalone piece this is a phenomenal effort)
Shark: 9/10 (menacing, provoking, ever-present and epic)

Kudos for asserting your mind to completing an enthralling tale, writer.

Wow! This writer is one talented motherfocker!

However...

Sadly it helped me realize something: I am not very bright.

Especially when it comes to reading scripts.

Sometimes it really is a challenge for me to process the set up information. The names, the legends. And I admit, I had to stop and reread page 1 like 3 times. Finally I just decided to take notes until I had the names and exposition down.

One reason I was willing to do so was because I recognized I was in very capable hands right away.

The fact that I had to learn Japanese names and expressions added to the difficulty, but that's no fault of the writer, who did his homework and handled the task deftly. Again, I'm just a little slow, so the problem was on my end.

I am going to point out what are some problems IMO, but hopefully notes from the peanut gallery, of which I am a vocal member, don't scare you off. If this were the NCAA, I would tell you to declare yourself for the NBA draft, because even if you ain't ready, teams will recognize the talent.

So let's get to the review.

what I liked:

The writing, the attention to detail, the proper care and tone that is taken with the myth building, the respectful yet colorful portrayal of culture, the accurate historical research, did I say the writing?...the mostly authentic and believable dialogue, the settings, the imagery...and of course the writing.

what could be worked on:

Despite all the brilliance displayed and craftsmanship, the story building itself is weak. Flat. Take heart, you only had a week, that can be fixed.

It's flat because it's mostly myth building. That's the problem with fantasy or certain period pieces, and this is a bit of both. It's hard enough to create a simple and emotionally moving story...it's extremely hard when the writer has to do all this set up and world building.

For this story to move us, we have to care that the surviving brother gets the shark. And we have to care about the Nagayo himself. We absolutely do not care about either.

Because...we never see the bond between the brothers. Not even a glimpse. When the brother is taken by the shark, we don't even see Nagayo's reaction. We don't experience any sense of loss. All we get is a quick image of the boy going under...and a VO description from the adult Nagayo. And even then, there is no emotion in his voice.

So we only understand the brother's need to kill the shark on an intellectual level...we  see the trap being built. We don't feel it.

And we never get to know Nagayo at all. What kind of man is he? Why should we care about him? We don't have any sense of him at all...we just get a history lesson. That's simply not good story telling.

The closest thing this comes to delving into character is actually with Captain Kenji, who we see has an initial disdain of Nagayo as a traitor, and then becomes an admiring friend. But so much time is given to the world building, that the bond between these two is very understated. And Kenji really kinda just watches Nagayo die. There are no heroic moments or attempts. So there is not much to hang our hat on as far as that bond.

Also, I'm not sure why Nagayo needed Kenji. Is it because he doesn't have access to a boat? If so, why is he known as a great fisherman who Kenji seeks out? If he does have access to a boat, why does he accept the partnership of Kenji, who more or less insults him at first? Maybe I missed stuff there.

All in all, a great OWC because of the talent on display and the care given.

For example: It illuminates cherry blossom petals
that dance in the tranquil breeze -- autumn's confetti.

though this one: No abysmal
creature has ever escaped his hook
...was a little weird.

I would be very tempted to select this one with my pick. But there are way more than 4 characters, even if one doesn't count the villagers and children. I counted I think 7..no,wait, then there is the Showgun army...man, there are a lot of characters.

Oh, one more thing: was the opening legend about the tortoise and stuff really needed? I think the writer was trying to tie that into the shark, but I can't make it all add up in my feeble mind. I mean Urashima saved tortoises from wicked children...the shark eats people...I don't see the connection. I guess Nagayo is supposed to be the new Urashima, riding the shark to the underworld. That would fit better of Nagayo was more like the myth, saving sea life or something.

A word on VO: we amateurs are warned against using V.O. This story is both an example of how it can be written well...and why one should think twice about using it.

For VO to be effective, it needs to do one of two things. Either it needs to help bring us into the story, or it needs to help bond us to the character which is narrating. Let me hopefully explain.

In Goodfellas, the VO is effective at helping to bring us into the story. It helps us know why the main character is doing what he's doing, which establishes the stakes. Stakes are story.

Another thing VO can do is bring us into the mind of the main character if he is narrating. This works if that voice presents the character as someone we want to follow around for two hours.  

In this story, the VO, though technically well done, is used only to give us back story. So it doesn't help move the story. It sets up the story, but that's not the same. That doesn't mean it's necessarily bad. I mean a quick VO to get things going so we can get right to the meat of the story can be fine. But this VO takes 2.5 pages of an 11 page story. Brother(or sister), that is a risky thing to do with an audience.

A trick might be to get through this VO back story in a way that allows this voice to give us a greater sense of Nagayo. And that really only works well if he is a colorful character, which he is certainly not, and probably can't be because of his Samurai nature.

I suggest dispensing the legend stuff. Use that space to develop the bond between the two twins while the father is under attack. Then we will understand and feel his desire to get revenge on the shark.

Excellent work though!

That's a great review and feedback, Kevin!

Was this one yours, Jeff? Very impressed if so.

Not Jeff's style

18. Samebito - Ten years after losing his brother to the jaws of a mythical shark named Samebito, a 12th century Japanese fisherman enlists the aide of a ship's Captain to hunt down and exact his vengeance.
Brief -

Characters to Animate/Voice -
Scenes to Build  -
Accessory Visual -
Accessory Audio -

Genre & Marketability -
Script format -
Comments  -  Uhhh... I can’t use this. Sorry.
Final word - Pass. The thought of attempting to animate galloping horses, samurai donning kabuto helmets, and minka-style fishing cabins just makes my head go “THHHHPP!”

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.2          Screenplay Pages
= 112/168     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Rich, terrific writing.  As one of the other reviewers mentioned, it reads like a Japanese rendition of Moby Dick.  And the end visual is wonderful.

Really nothing bad to say about this one.  

I can't say it truly hooked me in.. partially because of the density of the descriptions (something I don't fault the script for - they were appropriate to the story, but did slow down the read a for me.) And... Japanese feudal stories just aren't my style. In other words, it's not you - it's me.

But do I respect the talent that the writer shows in this one?  Very definitely.

This is not a script I would have chosen to read but wanted to get to as many of these as possible this week. I still moved it toward the end of my reads because I thought I'd have a hard time picturing it and identifying with the characters. Just not a subject matter I could easily get.

Had it been a longer script, I'd say the pages flew by...so I guess you could say the words flew by. I was absorbed in this and stayed that way.

The descriptions were just enough. Not too wordy to lose me but done with enough skill to have me hearing and seeing it. At the same time I wanted a little more - more background on the characters and history but had you done that it would messed it up but you did so well with this script that it hit a curious nerve in me in something I wouldn't have otherwise cared about.

I'm assuming the dialogue works for the time period. It seemed to match the tone.

What's under rated here is the story. If that's not interesting, then your ability to create this world would not have mattered. You set a high bar for what you attempted and cleared it.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Was this one yours, Jeff? Very impressed if so.

No...not me, but I too was very impressed with much of the writing and storytelling here.

Excellent work gentlemen!

Wow, guys - beautiful writing in this... Congratulations!  )))

--Janet

Thanks to everyone for investing your time to read and comment, and several thanks to Tim, who is an amazing writer to tell a story with!

The research for this was mostly listening to the Samurai Archives Japanese History Podcast on my way to work and back, focused on the Kamakura period. Our goal was to approach this with as much respect and accuracy toward Japanese culture, folklore, and tradition. The biggest challenge was in that goal--to strike a balance for those unfamiliar, to develop characters in limited pages, and to turn a young, solitary fisherman into a hardboiled legend.

Reflecting on the feedback, I'm thrilled with some of the decisions we made, and others that need a few touch-ups.

I believe your analysis is correct, Kevin. Though for us, it wasn't intended to come across like a history lesson, rather a seed for thematic revelation to compliment the end. Kenji passes his legend down in the same manner the Samurai do with their children. But that info is disclosed through VO and may have been lost there. Kenji states there's no difference in a man's honor--ya either got it or ya don't--no matter who you are or what your title is. Ten warriors bring forth on color tied into that. But all that being said, in the end there must be stakes appropriate to cause and effect to develop a protagonist. You pretty much hit it right on the button! I'm sure we can support this critical element within structure quite easily. Thanks for your feedback.

Grammar chop! (my favorite part)

Tim cleverly noticed I spelled "cavalry" wrong after submitting. Doh!

Quoted Text Pg. 4 The word “moreover” is lost in a screenplay (and I’m not even sure its use here is correct)

-- Great eye for grammar and you're right! Although correct in execution, the context of its use is incorrect. My intention was to pump up the visual, but the use of "moreover" should be applied to support a negative clause. And let's face it, this isn't an essay; moreover, there's no need for it in the first place. Consider that fixed. Thank you Eric!

Quoted Text Pg. 4 - "It illuminates cherry blossom petals that dance in the tranquil breeze -- autumn's confetti."  Novel worthy descriptions. I remember saying this to someone in one of the recent OWC's. I wonder if this is the same writer.  Hmmm.

-- I've learned from this OWC that cringing occurs when the word "novel" is applied to his craft. But I'm starting to see the craft differently and, from its fine line, these kind of pitches within a visual can be effective. But maybe not for everyone's taste.

-- Also, when you sniffed out my fragrance I was impressed!

Quoted Text A glowing hearth sits atop of a concave tower: sits atop a concave tower, as it's a preposition.

-- Great catch Simon! There can only be one. Looks much better now, thanks.

Also...

A cherry blossom petal glides into the villa; Captain Kenji senses it and girds his sword as it gravitates to his boots.

-- If I went with a period there, it might've been a speed bump rather than cohesion. I wanted to connect the two clauses together for the best effect. But definitely worth pointing out. I might change it.

Great theme and really far-out entries from the writers! Thanks for a few weeks worthwhile.

Johnny

What a team. Seriously awesome writing guys. A very cool story that IMO should be expanded.

JohnnyO...I'm going to say it again...WRITE...A...NOVEL.

Quoted from mmmarnie JohnnyO...I'm going to say it again...WRITE...A...NOVEL.

Only if you adapt it.  

I'm bookmarking this thread. DEAL!!

Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to read and comment.

John is a great collaborator and we had a blast writing this. He and I have similar styles and thought processes - so it was easy and quick.

Johnny, Tim,

Congrats for creating such a complex, and entertaining take on this OWC theme! Awesome work!

One of my 4 considerations. Just the right mix of world-building and story. The tone was held throughout. Not sure it would hold up so well to being filmed aside from some type of Japanese animation-type deal... but as a standalone script it's great.

Very impressive, guys!

Hey guys and gals,

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the script and provided comments.

I honestly believe that every negative comment is in reality a positive one - simply because each one teaches me something.

I like the positive ones, too, of course.

And for those of you who came back and posted congrats - very kind of you... Thank you.

I look forward to taking part more and more in the challenges and reviews.

And thanks to Johnny - the script was his idea. When he asked me to collaborate on it, I resisted at first due to my current "real job workload" and that fact that I'm working on two other feature projects. But he was (thankfully) politely persistent (sneaky) and within two email exchanges I was onboard and we were writing this thing together.

If you ever have the opportunity to work with John, take it. You'll never find a person who is easier to work with - who also has butt loads of talent. He's pretty amazing.