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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  To Catch a Predator - OWC
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  Author    To Catch a Predator - OWC  (currently 4898 views)
Don
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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To Catch a Predator by Flask - Short, Shark - In the summer of 1979, citizens of Fair Haven, Massachusetts were worried about a rogue shark, but one unwelcome guest should have been more concerned about the boy determined to catch it. - pdf, format


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EWall433
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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You’ve done a good job with the family dynamics. Tony acts pleasant and reasonable, but there’s enough to feel menace here. Particularly in regards to Kathleen’s walking-on-egg-shells attitude. You’ve set it up well, now maintain it.

Pg. 4 Nice transition with the eyes. Maintaining…
(are you sure Kathleen says things like, “scored wicked large”?)

Damn it… got away. The story, that is. Bit clean through the line.  This was about to be one of my favorites so let’s see where it might have happened.

Like I said, it started off well. Perhaps I read too much darkness into the beginning. Tony is the titular predator here, and I liked how you were subtle about it in the beginning. The fact that Kathleen seemed to be nervous around him meant loads to me, but I was worried that he hadn’t done anything overt by the time we were on the boat.

Because it seemed like Jimmy was luring him out there to do him in, right? And Tony does threaten to shoot him with a speargun, and Jimmy knows ‘something’ about Tony that I assume is criminal in nature. So why does this end with Tony just agreeing to go away because… he doesn’t like boating? Uhuh.

Tony needs to be shark food. He needs to be more overtly violent in order for the audience to accept it, of course, but in my estimation that’s what needs to happen. Make sure it’s clear that Jimmy has no other way. Whatever the heck is going on in that house, no one will believe him and his mom’s not strong enough to stop it.

Or at least that’s where I thought we were heading when I was getting so excited about it. I imagine others who didn’t form those assumptions might think more highly.

But there's a ton of potential here. And I’ve nothing bad to say about the writing (I’m guessing others will find something, though  )

Good luck with it and congrats on completing the OWC
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mmmarnie
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Another entry where the writer was trying to hard and everything feels forced. Instead of allowing things to unfold naturally, you're trying too hard to make us to care about your characters.

Writing was okay but the characters came off as a bit cliche. Not enough tension on the boat or in the water, IMO.

And if the guy's voice over the radio count as a character, you came in at 5. Not sure though.

Nothing really wowed me here but congrats on completing something for this OWC.


boop
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rendevous
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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I quite liked this. It's a bit dense on the first page but it's well written, to my mind at least.

I felt like I watching Dexter at the start of page 4. When it was still interesting. Season four or before. After that it went to fuck. Back to the script...

A small point but I see a lot of it of late in other scripts - 'Tony’s dark eyes stare with uncertainty, at the meal Kathleen places on the small table.'

Did I miss a memo or something? Why's that comma in the centre? I know it's going badly in Syria and that plane is still missing, but this stuff does bother me. I might go out later. It's been a while.

Now I'm aware I know nowt about fishing, but at the start of page 9 I could imagine hearing a reel whizzing round as fishing line is pulled away by the shark. If you'd put that in it would have been good. Then played it with a little as it stops and starts again. I seem to recall they did that in a movie once. It was good. Well, alright.

And this was good. One of my favourites, if not the favourite.

This has a lot going for it. A proper story with real characters. And the shark business didn't feel forced as it has in many others. Impressive.

R






Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Good one. Characters were real and had depth. I enjoyed how *Mick* was intertwined with the progression of the story.

An eye for good dialogue, the "ahs" never left my mind, and came across authentic without forcing the issue.  None of it came across unnatural.

Not that I can accurately identify it, but I appreciate the tone, and I've certainly been here before. I guess I'll find out who later.  

Great work, getting closer to reading all the entries and this one is toward the top.

One more thing -- thought this was a potential pisstake due to the title.  

Johnny


Revision History (1 edits)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  April 8th, 2014, 4:44pm
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stevie
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Had its moments thought there is no,actual shark attack shown.

Agree with RV that the first page has a mass of info but after that it was fine.

Yep, one of the better ones so,I give it a 7.5



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nawazm11
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Writing overwritten in parts.

"They both
have thick Boston accents -- no “r’s”, lots of “ah’s”." Please don't do this. It's like the only reason you have it there because you think the accent sounds cool. What's with the useless aside after it? Does it even matter if they don't pronounce 'r'? You wouldn't do the same thing with a French or Australian accent, so why do it for this?

The classic cunt of a step father routine, always works, although it's a bit of a cliche.

Wait, this is the second script I've read where people are putting bounties on sharks. Is this common? Where's Green Peace and Peta? Does nobody give a shit you're killing animals for money? Is this an American thing? Something please help me out here, I can't believe shit like this goes on in real life... I get hunting, but putting money on it is a totally different scenario.

A simple story, but I think it works. Heart warming in one way, a little cliche but that's what you get. Not a bad effort at all, probably one of the better entries. Not a lot to say about this one. Good job.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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You don’t want to include what year or month it is in your Slugs, as no one would get that in a filmed version.  Use a Super if you want it known.

You’re immediately attempting to direct your shots and IMO, it’s not smart.

Writing ain’t great, but I can tell you’re really trying – maybe too hard.  Too much info crammed in, passages too long, some asides, just a tough slog early on.

Pretty good attempt at character development on Page 2 – well done – it works!

Page 4 – Yep, you’re actually doing a great job on establishing who these peeps are.  The writing isn’t the best, but it’s working and I’m actually impressed.

Page 6 -  You’re rocking the characters here…seriously, well done!

When you write your Slugs, start at the “biggest” thing and work down from there – “JIMMY’s BOAT – DECK”

Page 7 – I don’t like the sudden change in tone here, with Jimmy acting like a prick and disrespecting Tony.  I also don’t like Tony calling him a “little shit”.  You had a great character piece going here and now it’s shifted.

Page 8/9 – yeah, you’re losing the tone that was totally working earlier.  Now Tony comes off like a little scared shit and I don’t buy it.

I totally don’t buy Tony pulling a speargun on a little kid.  You’re losing what was a great story at this point!

Page 10 – Not terrible, but I’m still unable to buy into what’s happening here, in terms of the action.

OK, all things considered, this is a great effort!  You somehow told what could have been heavily clichéd territory, but you gave it life, you gave it heart, and you brought a tear to me eye.  Very touching, very emotional, and well done!

As far as I’m concerned, easily the best so far out of 25.

Congrats on entering, and I’ll even add this – Thanks for entering...I enjoyed it!
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Gum
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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This is a well crafted story, actually really good!

I'll be honest, as much of a douche bag that Tony is, I'm still glad to hear he made it out alive, it definitely gives Jimmy and his 'Ma' a better chance to heal their sorrows and move on with their lives.

As well, I liked the concept of putting Mick in the frame with Jimmy's inner dialog, haven't seen that in awhile so it was kind of refreshing.

Anyways, sorry for the short review, but there's not much else I can say that hasn't been mentioned in some of the other posts. Awesome entry!
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DV44
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Easily one of my favs. Characters were well defined and believeable. Dialogue flowed nicely. Adding Mick in the story felt right. Had that Dexter feel with his dad showing up and giving advice. My only gripe was how fast Tony accepted leaving Kathleen and Jimmy. I get that he was scared and almost died from the shark attack but that part felt a little forced to me. Would have been kind of cool to see Tony swimming in the water trying to get back on the boat but Jimmy aims the speargun at him threatening to kill him unless he leaves town. Just a thought. Anyways great job. Very good for one week of work.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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c m hall
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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The story held my attention throughout and I liked the ending but I was distracted by the descriptions -- to my mind it shows a lack of confidence in the story.  I don't like to open a whole can of worms (as it were) but I feel uncomfortable when descriptions push judgments onto the reader.  Makes me feel like I've been given a cartoon version of the story.  
Anyway, this is a worthy effort, so far it's my favorite.
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TimWestland
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 1:31am Report to Moderator
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Very very good story.

Like others, I thought the first page unnecessarily dense. You can tighten up a number of description throughout without losing any of the quality, but Page 1 really needs it.

Tony is more than a tad on the nose, character-wise, but you have limited room for characterization in a 12 pager and your writing for him is pretty good.

I'm glad you didn't make this a classic "kid's gonna outsmart the guido and kill him while making it look like an accident" chestnut. That would've been bad.

Really nice writing, really nice story. Top drawer stuff in this competition, for sure.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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To catch a predator

This is a very good script.

Already I like the three way tension, and hidden feelings, good drama
Nice parallel already with the 'predator'
P6 - scene in the bedroom with Tony - excellent, lots of subtext, dramam, tension

EXT. DECK - JIMMY’S BOAT - BUZZARD’S BAY - MORNING - that's a bit much

Why are so many folk sick on boats ??
No need for continuous on p7 - I think
Great work with Tony overboard and avoiding the obvious - shows the kids humanity

The boy asking for help element probably needs a little more fleshing out. With a larger page count you could give a glimpse of the fathers back story.

Having read the comments above I would agree with the descriptions and be careful with the scene with Tony and the speargun.

Excellent work. My fav.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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If there are no 'R's' only 'Ah's'... then how am I meant to read, grade, or graduate? I think saying a Boston accent is enough and let others decide how they want to hear that. Directing what people hear isn't a good idea.

A well told tale for the most part... I can see some areas where you've tried so desperately hard not to start an action block with a character's name that you've utilised the odd past tense word. I do that too, since I learned that it doesn't look good to start an action block with a character's name all the time I suppose it comes down to which is the lesser of the two evils.

I would have enjoyed this story more if Tony became shark food. I don't think one trip out on the bay would be enough to get rid of him.. but then, coming up with a clever way for him to die would have been difficult.

Still, this is well written and not a bad story. Nice work.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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A nice character driven piece here with a lot of heart.

I liked Jimmy and I could visualise Mick appearing and giving out advice just like Dexter’s Dad, it really worked.

The pace was natural, the descriptions a bit OTT at times but not too distracting.

Tony is a douche but there’s not enough earlier on to suggest he’s the type to pull a spear gun on a kid or be scared off so easily. Jimmy couldn’t let him be eaten on purpose and he had to try and save him otherwise it would have felt unnatural, I agree with that approach. However I feel it would have worked better if Jimmy had failed and Tony became shark food. This would tie into the Jaws theme better as well.

Kathleen doesn’t seem fussed her boyfriend has left; if she’s let him move in with her family she must have cared for him. It seemed odd.

Excellent entry though – Well done on submitting a great addition to this OWC.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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