'70's setting...adolenscent kid...an awkward family situation - that's drawing from some classic Spielberg but was subtle if it was intended at all and most definitely worked.

I disagree with the notion that Tony should have been eaten. It was more satisfying for me knowing the kid won and won the right way. He would have had a grieving mom (for likely a second time) and this way she can see Tony for who he really is (even though we're left to only make that assumption...but assuming that still works in the script).

The dialogue flowed really well and felt natural to me (Boston accent or not...didn't matter to me as a I read it).

I'm only a third of the way through the entries but this moved to the top of my list and, to be honest, it's hard to imagine this one being topped.

Wow, this is really well written. From the beginning, I know your characters. I’m so tired of reading things like: short hair, muscular. Finally some really great descriptions and actions from the characters that open them up so that we know them inside and out. You did an excellent job with this. There is tension between the family. We can all relate to this I think. I love Jimmy...despise Tony...and want Kathleen to open up her damn eyes!

Oh I love this. The story picks up as it moves along. Jimmy did the right thing and got rid of that bad Tony! Great ending. Great job writer! I think this is my favorite.

what I liked:

Excellent writing.

And strong story building. The main character is well enough fleshed out. Tony is a bit of a caricature, but that's not a big deal, and we see that all the time in film...because it's useful.

The most effective part of the story telling was the way the writer created anticipation about what would happen on the boat.

The person who wrote this is a true story teller, someone who knows how to build character and use plot to build anticipation. In that regard, it's the best I've read this OWC, and I've read about half.

what could be worked on:

But I don't think the story quite works yet.

I'm not so sure about the ending. I mean on the one hand it's good that we didn't get the predictable eating of Tony by the shark. But I have no idea at all why Tony decided to go back to Brooklyn.

And that would be important under any circumstance, but it is particularly important considering that was the POINT of the story...that the ghost of Mick(whether real or imagined doesn't matter) is guiding his son how to be rid of the predator(Tony). But as far as I can tell, no action of Jimmy really could have been expected to achieve this.

I mean there is no reason Tony ever has to get on that boat again, since that's what he's afraid of. I don't get it. Why is Tony leaving? He was going to sell the boat. It's not like they are fishermen. Why wouldn't Tony just avoid the ocean and the boat?

That's the heart of it: the lessons the father is teaching the son are clearly designed so that they will help Jimmy turn the tables on his oppressive new step father. And it begins masterfully. We get the sense of a boy cleverly plotting Tony's downfall. That's cool.

It just doesn't work out that way. It feels like the writer just couldn't figure out how to do it. The lessons don't lead to anything connected to defeating Tony or causing him to return to Brooklyn. And it HAS to. That's the spine of the story.

Yes, Jimmy had information he threatened to use against Tony. But this was kind of just thrown in there. We don't know what it's about, and it seemed to have no affect at all on Tony.

An expectation was also created where the prize money for catching Jaws would be used to solve Jimmy's problems. But he doesn't catch the shark. Another dead end.

And there is the battle with the shark. In stories like this, think of The Old Man and the Sea, or Moby Dick, there is an epic battle of man verse beast. But that doesn't happen here. It's a very brief battle, and we are robbed of seeing what happens. Jimmy takes the safe way out and calls for help. That kind of thing is never a good idea in story. We want to see the hero win on his own. Yes, I get that the writer wants Jimmy to learn a useful lesson...and I get that the writer is trying to avoid cliche.

Which I think is the source of the problem. Trying to avoid cliche. I could almost feel the writer's thought process on that boat. Each time he came to  where he had to make  a story choice, he was determined to avoid something too familiar or expected. But sometimes those tried and true paths are the only way to provide audience satisfaction.

Also, why is Tony a predator? Isn't he just a jerk? I mean there is a television show about catching predators. So there is an expectation that Tony is a similar predator. But he's really just a jerk and he is never in anyway caught.

So for me, what we have here is a story that shows fine craftsmanship in building, but which comes off the rails. The story lines are not tied up in a satisfying way...the expectations created are not fulfilled...the set ups are not paid off. It's a three act story where the third act is still missing.

The writing's decent, better than average. The character development is great, good job there. I like that there's a real sense of relationships here, and with just a few characters you give a range of character types, emotions, motives. A bit more development for Kathleen is needed only because the other two characters are so well established it makes her seem less polished.

But then you betray all that character development.

Jimmy turns adult way too fast, like a light switch coming on he goes from subordinate to dominant, even cocky about it. And Tony switches from alpha male to whiny bitch as soon as he's over water. Where's the physical danger Tony represents? Tony believes Jimmy's nothing, easily beaten if it comes to it, so why does he escalate right to the spear gun just because the kid's running his mouth?

From the title and the early implications, this is about Jimmy getting rid of Tony. Tony's the predator, his mother the prey, but that's barely justified. The stakes aren't high enough, but they could be if Jimmy wants to kill Tony right from the start, especially since he's being driven by the ghost of his father. That should be the goal, and maybe when it comes down to it he can't go through with it, that last lesson his father never did learn but he gets. As it stands now, all the tension is in what Jimmy's going to do, so Tony's accidental fall into the water robs away that tension, which is strange since someone about to be eaten by a shark should be loaded with tension.

Tony's decision to just leave isn't justified either. The only reason to go is if Jimmy represents a real threat or forces it out of Tony before he'll save him from the shark, in which case get the hell out of Dodge because the kid's nuts.

There's a good story at the heart of this, but it falls short right now. Jimmy's motives are unclear and seem divided.

A bit more focus, clearer motives, and consistent characters and this could be quite good. Thanks for the read.

Hi.

First, a small point:

"Maybe I should just tell Billy Luko
where you’re living these days."

If this is coming passive into the script, as I see it here, then you could do that different. Introduce it earlier. Billy Luko is a name and for sure a person. A name shouldn't be just called like that, suddenly, and then used as a form of pressure (by Jimmy) and finally represent a remarkable part of the story.


I like the boy. And I think he's authentic. He's a bit far for his age but that also makes him special. A typical movie character. The later action is good too.

The thing I disliked is that the plot is interwoven with a character, Mickey, from whom we know he's dead, but we don't know why. I don't think I read over the one line which implied what happens to him, but I'll see what others said.

Why I don't like exact this point: I don't know. It's like Mickey is there to justify Jimmy's strength, his knowledge. So, he's part of a construction. Yeah, Mickey was a fisherman, of course; nevertheless I want to know when, why, what brought the death to this wise shark hunter.

And because of that there's the taste of construction- that the character is just needed to make it a good story- with those rules and wise words-

Organic, it would be organic if there's also a complete tale, an arc of Mickey. It's too constructed.
The social aspects of this script were enjoyable. Nevertheless I felt like I heard and read this construction very often.  Half-orphan misses mom or dad and fights against the new one.  

Characters good –
Heard it too often

28. To Catch a Predator - In the summer of 1979, citizens of Fair Haven, Massachusetts were worried about a rogue shark, but one unwelcome guest should have been more concerned about the boy determined to catch it.
Brief - Teen is guided by his father’s ghost to get rid of his mom’s jerk boyfriend.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Jimmy, Kathleen, Tony, Mick
Scenes to Build  - 7
Coastal country road, house INT, bedroom, kitchen, bay harbor, boat cabin + deck
Accessory Visual - average
Accessory Audio - average

Genre & Marketability - Action drama
Script format - Good-ish
Comments  -  OMG. That opening sequence was a monolithic slab of detail.
Consolidate to:
     EXT. COASTAL COUNTRY - DAY
     JIMMY, 14, a nice tubby boy with a backpack, trudges
down a dirt road.

     Turns into the driveway with a boat for sale in the
yard, $2,000.
     Alright, I’m reading ahead and there’s still a lot of detail, some decent dialog, and some heavy emotional drama. Out by the end of page three.
     Producer’s hat is off, reader’s hat on: Slow @ss beginning (I understand set ups can be a slog), but once on the boat this becomes a very nice story! I can’t do anything with this drama-fest, can’t animate it, so… Good luck and best wishes with it.
     That’s some nice literature.
Final word - Pass. Too much drama, not enough shark for a market.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.3          Screenplay Pages
= 113/170     Total Build Hours Time Cost

By the title, I thought this would be Jail Bait 2.  Thankfully... it's not.

Strong main character and good emotional drama.

First, is this a prequel? It's my fault, I can't remember all the details of Jaws. But nice touch, if shark lives here to later kill in amity for Jaws.

A refreshing approach...The family drama. Realistic characters, slow build of foundation leads to strong emotional drama. The vibe here reminded me of early Spielberg (ET and divorce). Nice supernatural touch, as dad visits and gives guidance. Or conversely, nice way to show Jimmy's thoughts and memories.

Nice transitional imagery with the predator poster and the eyes, to Tony's eyes. Suggestive. I kinda wish you went this route. Alas, that woukd be a different story and may not necessarily reflect the characters.  I think mick should show up with 3rd rule too. Maybe just watching son quote him, smiling the whole time.

Tony and the speargun was a little too severe for me. If he's not that bad of a guy, would he really do this, to his girlfriend's son? If so, maybe he does deserve to die by shark, like I thouht was suggested earlier to me. I have to say, I like it when, despite this, jimmy still saves tony. His dad taught him well. Good dialogue... going. Back. To Brooklyn...

Confusing ending. Did jimmy reel in the shark after all, with a spiritual boost (motivation) from dad? I also assume he now works for charter line that takes tourists out to the ocean or something.  Is this charter company from Jaws? Maybe showing people the beauty of the shark, if not caught. Is this the shark that attacks in original jaws? If an homage or prequel I'd consider makingthese elelements more obvious.

Good moral about parental lessons and dealing with loss.

Refreshing family drama. Light on shark attack stuff. Good main character. Good surreal elements with dad. Intriguing conflict. Uneven ending.

Oooo. I'd say this is neck and neck as my fav.  Top 2, at the very least.

Not really much to comment on.  Just solid writing - and engaging characters.  (Sorry this is vague... but still: well done!)

I thought it's been going another direction. Thought Tony would turn out good  - Jimmy would get in trouble and Tony would save Jimmy.

Otherwise the villain is bad for no reason for me.

It's very well written, all the characters have voices and I appreciated all the advice from Mike - the effort here is apparent. It's a very good script but the second half doesn't work for me for some reason. Jimmy is pretty selfish and I feel for Kathleen. Poor woman's bound to stay alone thanks for him.

Impressive writing and a solid story. The payoff was fine for me and I had no problem with the rather lengthy setup. Nice job author.

Great job Marn! I did vote for this one too.

Superb storytelling, way to go Marnie! It was an easy favorite for me.

I figured this was yours. Well done.

Well done.  Easy decision for me and you got my vote.

Congratulations Marnie - terrific job!!!!!