THWACK!

I know who wrote this.

Shawn.....><

Can't really see this being a newbie - but I do have my suspicions as to who it is, and if the writer knows nothing of garden microbes, then I'm wrong and apologise.

The ending's uncompromising, and sometimes with a story, you just have to go with that - we can't bleat each time a story doesn't fit into our world-view.

It is a morality tale, and neither man is innocent - each causes suffering in his own way. As such, it's meant to cause debate - designed to split the yea's from the nay's.

I wasn't a huge fan of all the CHOMP! stuff, but that aside I thought this was very well written - Carl's fight with the shark on the boat was pretty well done, there was some good tension there, and a great mood created - and mood's a tricky one to get off well, and that struggle was dark and focussed.

Issues for me: I guess Carl was kept deliberately quiet, but that meant that John's voice filled the dialogue, and to me that made it feel unbalanced - I thought maybe to have Carl's wife speak, but that might have added a dimension that the writer didn't want. The "When you told me how sick you wife was..." was clunky exposition - when a quick reference,  or question, would have added intrigue.

This is good - it's very well written, and the writer has written it for himself, and not to please the crowd.

Not to jump in the middle of something, I was actually going to mention something along these lines in my review, but decided against it.

Here’s the thing about sound design…

It’s not down to any single effect. They pull together to make a picture in your head. No, the audience wouldn’t know exactly what they were hearing, but they’d get an idea.

Imagine if it only read “HUMS. LAP.SPLASHING. BOOM! A WHISTLE. SOARS. UNRAVELS. THUMP! SHUFFLE. GRUNTS. TAUT. SPLASHING. SHLINK!” Now that’s meaningless. The folly artist, or whoever ends up in charge of capturing/creating those sounds needs to know what those sounds actually are.

Just because the reader can’t ‘see’, “Rope pulls TAUT” and most of an audience wouldn’t be able to ‘hear’ exactly what that is, does not mean it’s useless information in the script; or that a screenplay shouldn’t begin with a medley of sound effects.

Of course there are limitations to describing sounds with words, but I don't understand how one can construct a scene in their head without "hearing it" to some degree.

I know quite a lot about garden microbes... given that I sell them. If you're thinking this is me... it isn't. I'm pretty much against sound effects completely these days, even were I trying to disguise my style, I don't think I could go the sound effect route.

In regards to ewall433's comment. If I were writing that scene... rather than writing, 'SHLINK, a metal blade scrapes across wood.' I would simply write, 'a blade scrapes along wood.' There isn't a need for the actual sound effect. In fact, the sound effect gets in the way. Comes across as comical rather than setting the tone you want. Drop the sound effect, let the reader hear it themselves.

Back to the story... so far, I'm glad I came back to this. Written well. Still on page one. ah, page 2... why have you drawn attention to his cough? Is the cough a new scene or character? Is it an important sound effect, even? Y'know, next to all the other sounds that are going on? The cough has been drawn particular attention to for some reason... why? Why is COUGH in uppercase? Most irritating.

OK, page 4. This is good. I like where this is going. You've set a nice tone.

Yeah... now BEEP, BEEP... is fine, because I know what a beep is... but still you could just write, the sonar beeps.

Code A familiar HUM resonates as Carl quiets the engine.

It's almost like you go out of your way just to write in sound effects and this has actually messed with your sentence structure here. How can we know it is a familiar hum? Does Carl pull a face like he's just broken wind after finding a private, secluded place to do it? Ah! That familiar hum. lol. You need to find another way to describe this line, IMO.

Code Carl reaches into the bucket. Pulls out a chunk of meat. PLOP! The meat hits the water. Red tendrils of blood trail from it.

Why waste an entire line for an unnecessary sound effect? This is not helping the mood. It's very cartoonish.

Code The BEEPING softens. Perhaps we've grown accustomed to it.

Yet another aside that doesn't work. You write well, but these little tricks you are employing are transparent and seem forced. An attempt to add voice. Maybe it would work better if not distracted by the cartoon sound effects... not sure. Voice is a mood thing, I suppose... and mine is constantly shifting with this piece because of all the distractions you've put in.

OK, this got incredibly shit at page 9. I'm not buying it. OK, that was also the end. For the most part this is a story told well... but it doesn't ring true that a super rich guy would rip off a poor guy after already profiting from him.

To sum up... written well aside from the cartoon sound effects, but the twist at the end does not fit and seems rushed through lack of direction.

OK I’m going to dive in here (heh heh, sorry I’ll get my coat)

I was initially put off by the page of sound effects. The last few ‘how to write’ screenplay books I’ve read say sound effects should be minimum, only included if they are deemed essential to the story. I’m all for a bit of artistic flair and the author to display their voice/style but this seemed excessive.

If you submit a script like this to a studio or to a festival and the guy reading it has a gripe against overuse of sound FX they are gonna ditch this script at page 1, that’s all I’m saying.

The flashback is not essential but you know what it’s fine. I watch a lot of TV (probably too much) and I can see it happen a lot where they take a standard scene and add in lots of flashbacks and editing to make it look a bit different, even though it’s not essential. So to me it’s fine, it ties you in a bit more emotionally with the character as well I think.

Was there a rogue shark in this? Seemed to me there’s just shark hunting. Or is John supposed to be the rogue shark metaphorically speaking?

Why is Carl, an experienced fisherman and shark hunter not wearing gloves when hunting the most dangerous shark to hunt? Seemed odd. The hunt itself was quite straightforward considering all the build-up as well.

John’s double cross had a lot of ‘the bad guy explaining to the good guy’ dialogue going on but I liked John’s story about the shark on the beach nonetheless.

I’m not a fan of non-endings. This didn’t end, there was no resolution – it was depressing just for depressing’s sake.

As well as this was written (and it was very well written) I didn’t buy the entire premise anyway. Shark specialists estimate around 100 million sharks are killed for their fins each year. There’s a huge market out there and yes it’s illegal but fins are easily obtainable; most are used for soup.

Therefore John didn’t have to hire an aging desperate fisherman, Carl didn’t have to sell fins to just one dodgy buyer who doesn’t pay a cent up front and this mysterious collector doesn’t have to spend a fortune to John or any one source for fins. There was no need for any of this to happen.

Formatting and structure of scripts are indeed important. However I can forgive sluglines that end in orphans (whatever that means, must google it sometime) and other small issues that can be fixed with practice and I do dislike it when people bail out over such trivial matters.

To me though the story and believability are more important. So in this respect it didn’t work for me but well done for entering the OWC and for putting together something so solidly written in such a short period of time.

Mark

Ok, I’ll agree that a lot of the sounds here are too much. For instance, SOARS isn’t a sound. And it’s usually not a great idea to get too creative with the sound effects or, god help you, create a new onomatopoeia. I just wanted to provide a little push back on the ‘don’t do it at all’ idea. There are plenty of times in movies where sounds intrude on the characters and I think using easy to digest sound effects in a careful, measured way is a decent tool for building atmosphere.

I understand that there are ‘rules’ about this, and if you don’t have much confidence in how you’re executing a particular technique, then it’s best to remove it from your script before sending it to someone who could make or break you (and if you have false confidence, then good luck no matter what your technique is). But part of being an amateur is doing things badly until we’ve done them right.

If an amateur artist has trouble drawing human hands, they don’t just turn every subject into a Simpson’s character. They draw a lot of goofy looking hands, keep it hidden from anyone except those they really trust, and cross their hard-to-render fingers that they’ll get better at it one day. If there’s any place for an amateur writer to go to see what is and isn’t working, this is it. So, I don’t think writers here benefit from blanket ‘don’t do that’ analysis. This a good place to figure out why a certain rule is being observed.

Not that that hasn’t happened here. I detected an imbalance early on and decided to step on the other side of the scale because…

…where else are you gonna find a writer sticking their neck out for sound effects  

A lot of really excellent notes on this script today. Helpful to both the writer and the rest of us checking in.

This one in particular I found to be insightful about the general approach to writing OWCs.

Quoted Text If there’s any place for an amateur writer to go to see what is and isn’t working, this is it. So, I don’t think writers here benefit from blanket ‘don’t do that’ analysis. This a good place to figure out why a certain rule is being observed...

OWC's are a good place for an experienced amateur to experiment a little with...well, anything, from technique to style to story concepts. This thread ironically has become the OWC at its best, I think.

SNIKT! The beginning seems to be all over black so I understand you will need sound effects to illustrate what's going on. However a Boom, Thump, and Shlink don't tell me much. Instead I would describe what is making the sound. For example the boom is a charge from the harpoon gun being fired. Write that I would think.

The setup is done very well on the docks. The flashback is crucial so keep it. This is cinema, it's a visual format. So by all means show his wife sick and pain. We wouldn't care about Carl and his blight nearly as much if we didn't see her situation.

The boat's name is excellent because it adds to the story. Good choice. This is exactly what you need to be doing, especially in a short.

The fishing scene is too easy though. I was expecting some kind of battle. As is, the hardest part was just finding the shark. I was thinking this would be more like Deadliest Catch. If you ever watch that show something bad ALWAYS happens while those guys fish. The weather is awful, somebody almost falls overboard, or is impaled by a hook. You need that here.  

The only thing missing from the very end is John twirling his mustache. There has to be another way of showing this beside him talking on and on. Another flashback of John in Australia so we're not looking at a boring office? The twist at the end is fine. But, just an idea. I don’t think Carl is going to be killed but Carl know knows how much these things are worth. What's stopping him from going back out and getting more fins? After all, Carpe Diem right? I'd like to see Carl back on the ocean finning for himself. Take it even further, have John go to meet his buyer only to find Carl already there, undercutting him by selling his own fins with a smile.

This was written fairly well. Very sparse but it works. It started off strong for me but  got weaker towards the middle and finally at the end it fell flat. Nothing a rewrite couldn't fix to make this one really shine. Good job.

Quoted from EWall433 and I think using easy to digest sound effects in a careful, measured way is a decent tool for building atmosphere.

I completely agree. I use sound effects... but they have to be sensible ones and used very sparingly. They can give the wrong idea about a sound and can also be very distracting. I think I'd much rather go the route of describing what type of sound it is in a sentence rather than trying to sum it up in one word that will never sound right.

I feel that this writer has utilised these tools, both the sound effects and the asides in the wrong way here... especially when their writing is plenty good enough without them. Unfortunately the story isn't quite there for the writer this time.... but it's not an easy challenge.

Finning

i'm not knocking this but i have now read a handful which start OVER BLACK - so i just share some pro feedback that this is beginning to be on their list of pet hates. Didn't know myself until i read it but I'm beginning to see why

actually thats a lot over black - are you sure we could all work that out?

Bull shark fin - despite what he says i find this to be underwhelming

ok, finished and he was doubled crossed. poor wife. thats it

the dialogue got too long and if the double cross is to work it should be foreshadowed and reasoned, it wasn't.

needs few tweaks

"JOHN (V.O.)
You must ask yourself -- how much
does your wife mean to you?"

LOL in a positive way. Awesome! Sick!
I would love to see him when he speaks that line. I believe YOU HAVE TO SHOW HIM, "PLEASE???"


Sorry, for my pedantry but: Can't Carl just sell his entire boat, with the shark sonar, and all that, for paying the hospital? It sounds as if his equipment's expensive. You described Carl as the owner, hey, I hope I didn't lost the connection of this ownership relation anywhere.


"Carl pulls at the rope. He SCREAMS. Looks at his hands. The
friction has split his palms down the middle."

Very good. The whole hunting experience entertains me most so far. I'm standing beside this man at the railing. Now the end, I hope you did it...

Okay , the ending... I said something about the "prices" above. So, the numbers you call out for those fins aren't what I expect them to be.

I guess Carl has to kill him.

It's a social and political ending in a script which lived from its Tension. Yes, there is an arch, a connection of the social part concerning the Point that the wife's life depends on Money; but the Peta extortion-stuff is the wrong game to end it. Too overconscientious.

Act 1 is good, 2nd is good, 3 is a bad choice in my eyes; not a catastrophe but it's clearly below the level of the other acts.

I think you can find a better one for this script. Just a matter of time.
It's a pity. The ending is so important...!!!!!!!
The possibility you are able to repair that was shown by you with act 1 and 2.  

*A few spoilers*

Okay.  Two thirds of the way through this one, I was thinking it was going to be my favorite of the OWC.  The writing's exceptional.  Smooth, well written - and the beats and emotional hook was there.  Some of it was too staccato in places (which is de rigeur for the industry now a days) - but still.... very nice.

Theeeeennnn, you threw in a Rand quote.  That was a negative, especially since you inverted the meaning of the quote (ie: that sacrifice is completely wrong.  Not that sacrifice of some is necessary.)  And then, you have it said by a character that Rand would have been disgusted by...  IE: someone who lies, and welshes on a contract.  Makes me think ya don't know Rand. Which is true of alot of people who bring her up in various ways.

But... that would just be a ding.  If everything else had concluded satisfactorily, I still would've considered the story stellar.  But - dude!  You let the bad guy win!  Which caused the story to fall on its head.  The antagonist needed to get his comeuppance, and he didn't.  I hope you do rework this ending, because the rest of the story's very much worth it.

This review may be a touch harsh...but it's because this one had soooo much potential.  I'm actually a little disappointed.    

6. Finning - A down-on-his-luck fisherman is hired by a wealthy entrepreneur to obtain the final, and most dangerous, addition to his unusual collection of shark fins.
Brief - Blue collar guy gets stiffed by a white collar guy over finning a shark.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 2.5
Carl, John, security guard
Scenes to Build  - 5
Marina dock, Carpe Diem external, sick wife in hospital bed, boat alone on a open ocean, office
Accessory Visual - >12
Cooler, handshake, checkbook, pen holding, sonar screen + flashing target, tranquilizer gun + box + tranq dart, yellow bucket, bait on a line
Accessory Audio - >18
Boat motor idling, wave laps on hull, variable splashing 3x, Boom!, whistle!, projectile soars, thump, rushing feet, man grunt, sisal rope tightens, metal blade across wood, Thwack!, cooler drop, boat motor running, gun to wall rack,

Genre & Marketability - Action Drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  Efffff meeeee. I’m just on the opening sequence over black, compiling the assorted sounds to acquire, process, and layer - not even done with the sequence - and I’m getting tired of it. I but that’ll take me… four work hours total to get all that audio in the opening sequence - over dark. Sigh… Boat alone is going to require the equivalent build of a scene. Turn off your program’s “Mores & Continueds” feature. Effffff meeee. A [expletive] flashback on page two. On page three I’m ditching my producer’s hat. You’re killing me with all these scenes.
No matter if a scene is for two full screen hours or a half-second it costs money to get cast, crew, and equipment to and from each location + set up & breakdown. So, each scene and setting needs to be worthwhile. All these bit scenes are killing the budget.
That said, I’ve put on my reader’s hat, and finished your submission: Hup… No, wait. It looks like we can ditch that hospital sequence and probably figure out a brief exposition solution for why dumb Carl’ll agree to that “one last trip” cliché. Yeah, you can delete that whole hospital scene, maybe get by with a single scene build of a sickly woman.
I’m consolidating the page 4 INT/EXT of the boat into just an external shot. Ditching the hip flask bit.
Alright, by page five I’m out, again. Sorry.
There’s just too many details I gotta do and I’m only halfway through the story. Putting my reader hat back on.
Final word - Pass. Too much work for a “meh…” story.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.8          Screenplay Pages
= 98/147     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Quoted from MarkRenshaw As well as this was written (and it was very well written) I didn't buy the entire premise anyway. Shark specialists estimate around 100 million sharks are killed for their fins each year. There's a huge market out there and yes it's illegal but fins are easily obtainable; most are used for soup. Therefore John didn't have to hire an aging desperate fisherman, Carl didn't have to sell fins to just one dodgy buyer who doesn't pay a cent up front and this mysterious collector doesn't have to spend a fortune to John or any one source for fins. There was no need for any of this to happen.

Mark - I hadn't thought about it when I reviewed this one, but you're quite right.  The premise - when examined - really doesn't work.  And another reviewer rightly pointed out that John just should've sold his boat (although perhaps it wouldn't have been enough $$.)  Still, due to the writing and the natural empathy the story successfully builds for John, I'm actually willing to ignore all those things.

But the ending really does smash it to bits. IMO...
But the first two acts.  Loved 'em.  And I didn't mind the sound effects.

Quoted from wonkavite Theeeeennnn, you threw in a Rand quote.  That was a negative, especially since you inverted the meaning of the quote (ie: that sacrifice is completely wrong.  Not that sacrifice of some is necessary.)

Self sacrifice is wrong?

Sorry, I can't remember the Rand quote... and I'll agree that she is often misunderstood... but it doesn't ring true that she would say the sacrifice of others is necessary, more that self sacrifice is something one should never have to do.

I'm probably wrong, and I can't be bothered to check... so maybe you can enlighten me.

OK, I decided to pull up the full quote... here is what Rand is saying exactly:

It only stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there's service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master.


What she is actually saying there is that one should avoid sacrifice.... not embark upon it.