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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Finning - OWC
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  Author    Finning - OWC  (currently 6191 views)
wonkavite
Posted: April 12th, 2014, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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"What she is actually saying there is that one should avoid sacrifice.... not embark upon it."

Exactly.  And that those who call self-sacrifice a virtue are often, at the end of the day, the ones who are ultimately picking up the spoils.

The bad guy in Finning (Mr. Evil Rich Guy), implies that he considers sacrifice a good thing - the way of the natural world - and that as alpha male, he'll be the beneficiary.  Yet, the way he quotes Rand is as if he approves of her.  Yet - that's just the type of person that Rand would have railed against until she turned blue in the face.  But, I'm used to people misrepresenting Rand's philosophy (the number of religious folk that quote her approvingly is rather bewildering.)

All that said - while I consider it a ding off the script, it's a shame that it ended on the note that it did.  Because (Rand or no Rand), the first two acts were superb.
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Last Fountain
Posted: April 13th, 2014, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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Emotional story well-crafted with varied style and technique. Impressive.

Wow. Super interesting opening. A bold decision to on black so long and tell your story through sounds. Very intriguing.  Good job. Nice work with boat name. Carpe diem. Like carp. And seize, as in the catch. Good character descriptions.  By comparing the boat with carl you kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Concise. Economic writing style. Combined with the soundscape earlier, I'm really liking this set-up.  The good descriptions continue.  I can tell you've written a few descriptive passages before. Combining style with story is a hard balance. Details here tell their own story. Especially strong writing style for character introductios. Not throughout,  which you avoided.

Cue backstory. Good way to show rich prick john is manipulating carl, as I doubt he actually cares for the sick wife. Nice pairing of image with dialogue during flashback. Carl's voice over wife's cautious face, and  he forces a reassuring smile. I like the use VO of present day over flashback. It suggests this what Carl's thinking. His motivation. He's weighing his options, and we feel it more than if you didn't pair thes images to VO. Good technique.

Good use of VO. You could have easily shown speech then show flashback,  but by pairing the 2 timeliness you once again kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Nice economy here. For me, it also definitely raises the emotional stakes. It's exposition that feels more emotionally based vs plot. So that ending carries more weight and denser gravity.

I love how the image of his wife throughline continues with photo in boat. He sees her everywhere. She's always on his mind. Great way to show these internal elements.

When you get to action on page 5 it's so intense. Nice sparse, concise descriptions. The whole page flows beautifully lntense stuff. This shift in style really dictates the pace. Quick and action packed. I winced with the rope. Simple relatable pain

You've shown a steady sure hand with the craft in several different ways. I sense you're seasoned. Good job. Especially in 7 days.

The shark attack could have been further embellished. As is there's a substantial struggle but there could be more danger
Maybe he has to move hand from bite. I loved the moment they lock eyes. Man and beast. Haunting. Raised machete. I'd stretch this out another moment. To suggest hesitation. Then we're not sure either. We are sure what he's thinking though. No doubt. His wife. Good restraint to not flash an image of her. You laid the foundation.  It worked for me. Make sure it lands for everyone. Then he apologizes and brings knife down.

Another nice throughline, by the way, he's so apologetic. And these were our first words from carl. Perhaps it was this moment, and not a previous shark. It gives even more reason to open on black and focus so much on the soundscape. It all makese sense to me. Like puzzle pieces shifting into the larger picture. It's so subtle, but I imagine this is your intention. Then again I'm a nerd. Hehehe.  Another tool in the box. Another smart technique on display. Good job. I love your style.

Nice scene transition to fins. I'd alter the description so fins are mentioned first, then shelf. More clarity, more impact, right. I like how carl exchanges no pleasentries. Just drops the cooler with the fin. Take it.

I love this speech. Love. Nice restraint to not flashback to shark on beach and John's backstory. John tells story, and just like carl, we are forced to listen to it. This prick. And we get anxious, like carl. Gimme the cash. I'm out. This great technique reminds me of Inglorious Basterds. But I'm thinkin of the pastry and creme scene, not thd opening. She has to listen this guy, anxious, waiting, hoping for the best. And he just takes his time talking and enjoying his delicate pastry. Delaying our expectations is hard work. You handled it well.

It's almost like John is toying with us too at this point. Clever stuff, writer.

And in this speech you sell the majestic wonder of being in the presence of a shark. Then john cuts off the fin. Stark contrast.

Nooo! You made me so mad. Don't worry I'm still with you. It's like reading Game of Thrones. You wanna throw the book sometimes. I just wanted carl to succeed so badly. You put him in danger, with the guard restraining him. And this prick threatening him. No. Now his wife is in danger, if he can't get money. Seriously strong writing. A cascade of events. You almost HAD to do it. The story needed this conflict. Bold. Brave. You made me love him, just to fear for his safety.  Its like the Spielberg manipulation at play in ET. It's not fair, I yelled at the screen as a kid. It got me. You got me. I love it. And from and OWC, no less. It's powerful stuff to tap into. Overpowering emotional response to a movie.

The ending. Well, first, I guess it's open ended. John might not let carl live. His dialogue of give my best to the misses, could suggest in the afterlife... cuz yer dead. Hehehe.  But I took this at face value. He's Catch 22ed. He can't go to cops. No money.

So now... I can't wait to see the rest of this movie.

The characters and emotional weight are feature worthy. You created an equally compelling villain with delicious speeches. I hated him, hard. And Carl was the perfect hero. Very relatable motives within limited pages. On feature length this could be something really special. Strongly consider pursuing this expansion. Then send it to me. I wanna know what carl does next. How does he bust john? Or does he get vigilante justice? How does he save wife?

I did all my reviews with a 5 star rating, in my notes. No 5s were given. And only a few received 4s. This is a 4 1/2. Take that for what it's worth, a 5 is perfect for me. This could us a little more intense shark action.  But that's about all I can point out really.

Strong writing skills. Diverse technique. Great characters. Good speech. Great simple relatable emotion.  

For me, this was most impressive on several levels. Of the 4 OWCs I've participated in.

Just. Awesome.


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Last Fountain
Posted: April 13th, 2014, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. I just read other reviews here today. Seems like my love for this is in the minority. Good polar reactions like most great movies.

When the writers are revealed I hope you clear up the end / beginning.  

I connected the 2. Maybe incorrectly.  

I assumed we didn't see images of beginning, because this was carl catching the bull shark for rich prick john later.

I thought this sounds on black technique was a great way to tell the story in a non-chronological matter, without us knowing til the end. Brave to not use titles that say 2 days earlier or whatever.

Know what I mean.

So ya... clear this up later.


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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 25th, 2014, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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I'm agreeing with the OVER BLACK start, it really doesn't look right and what happened to the traditional use of FADE IN?

Also this annoyed me a little:

"CARL
You don't understand. Bull sharks
are different. They're territorial. Aggressive. Most shark attacks you hear about on the news are because of bull sharks, Mr. Walton."

OK, for starters Bull sharks are not territorial, they can literally be found anywhere.

To be honest I was out by this stage, not just because of that comment, just the story didn't keep me reading.

Good luck with this.

Lee
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