Finning by Samuel Enderby - Short, Shark - A down-on-his-luck fisherman is hired by a wealthy entrepreneur to obtain the final, and most dangerous, addition to his unusual collection of shark fins. - pdf, format

This has potential but lost me with the over explanations of Finning.

And the payoff wasn't there. In fact, the bad guy won leaving nothing for me to hang my hat on.

The writing was fine as was the structure but I really thought it was going somewhere else. I thought the struggle for the sharks should have been bigger as well. For the beast of the sea, I would have wanted to see more of a fight.

Anyway, it was good, but with a rewrite and some toned down dialoge, this could be very good.

Shawn.....><

Sparsely written.

Very.

But in a good way.

Strange use of the word proletariat. I thought that was all of them. Still, it's dialogue, so you can do what you desire.

There's tension here. Something a lot of the other scripts around lack. And considering what he's doing midway, this is quite impressive.

Jeesh, this John guy is annoying. Which is also rather good.

Overall, this was well plotted and I wasn't sure how it was going to end. So I was pleasantly surprised. The writing's very good. Wouldn't mind reading other scripts by whoever did this. Enough said.

R

Right off the bat, the staccato sparse writing style makes it so I have no idea what happened in the opening scene.  Font looks to be off as well and you’re not double spacing your Slugs.

Now we have some nice asides and unfilmables and I’m getting really annoyed, really fast.

Not a fan of the Flashbacks, nor how you formatted them.

And now we have V.O.’s as well…

This is going downhill very quickly…

Lots of dialogue from our rich friend, John – WAY TOO MJUCH!

Oh boy…the end.  Really?  Sorry, doesn’t work for me at all, and I actually wish I had stopped very early on when I knew I should.

Congrats on entering.

Carl should be pissed.

Does John realize how long he'd spend in federal prison for murder? If he even plans on murdering Carl. I enjoyed his fin fetish, but didn't get into the Scooby-Doo dialogue at the end.

Some readers are into the chop. I've dabbled in it before, now, not so much. I understood the story so I guess its preference. If a writer feels more at home with it, then it's theirs to master.

The story was good, it had some stakes. Carl struggled with the morality of it, but the payoff wasn't there. I was hoping there would be something in that cooler that John wasn't expecting.

Nice effort,

Johnny

I am a fan of ‘OVER BLACK’ at the beginning, but if it’s over black, you will not be able to see stuff like projectiles soaring and rope unraveling. Just keep that in mind.

The use of V.O. throughout is well done. The dialogue, I thought, was also very well done. I didn’t find one typo in this thing so kudos on that!

I care about Carl and his wife. I understand the desperation. Great character work all around.

And that moment when Carl decides to go one more time...oh man, I was worried about that decision and rightfully so!

Even though the end was not what ‘we want’ in a normal situation, I really liked it. I enjoyed reading this. Great writing on display here, in my opinion. One of my favorites.

Choppy passages. Chop. Chop. Chop. Like the ride from Mykonos to Santorini on one of those crazy Hydrofoils.

I did like the name of the boat 'Carpe Diem'. Made for a stark contrast between what is and what could be the most important thing for Carl to consider at this time of his life, and the 'day' to be seized in question.

He's driving a piece of sh*t car? Nice. Seemingly insignificant items that are turned on their head later down the road. The fact that Carl and his sick wife are not living in a publicly funded health care system and, he's paying through the teeth for his wife to be Radiated; kept alive just long enough for the system to squeeze every last penny out of their sordid existence.

Then along comes a saviour? O' but he be a Wolf in Sheep's clothing, and the beast will always temp those who are at their weakest with dreams of their cup being overfilled, Ha!

LOL, sorry man, but you just laid it out so slick. Ya, I wish John had something coming to him, but alas, the beast never does, does he? Eventually every one of his minions will fall, however, the scapegoats must go first, vis-à-vis Carl. It has something to do with ascending up the feed chain. I'm left to believe that the Bull Shark was somewhere near the top.

I liked the story that was actually woven into the story, if you know what I mean. Killer script!

Waves gently lap into the engine? Because that's what it reads like. Where's the sound of it frying? Not a good start.

Strange opening, but you handle it pretty well.

Yeah, no, I don't like the flashbacks. Too manipulative, you had two extra pages and there's obviously a better way you can reveal this.

And again, reading further, the backstory feels so damn fake because you're trying to milk out a reason for him to actually go out there. Maybe if it felt a little more natural, I could connect to the protag's predicament. Flashbacks are useless if they're only there to reveal exposition. Again, manipulative more than anything.

"Perhaps we've grown accustomed to it." I like it since it immerses the reader into the scene but it ruins the moment. Consider scrapping it.

Hopefully John's story actually adds to the script since I could care less why he's interested in the fins.

The writing was fine but I can't make any sense of the story right now. Why would John give a shit about the sharks? Why ask Carl go after it if he's going to double cross him in the end? Carl didn't even want to kill the stupid bugger but the fucker forced him to do, just so he can rat him out? I'm struggling to see the logic here, it's like somebody telling you to do something and when you actually do it, they scold you for it. What a great way to ruin a script. Doesn't work with me.

EDIT: Just reread the ending whilst voting, I suppose now I kind of do see the logic but the satisfaction of a good reading is still missing. I mean, you make the protag come across as the bad guy, as well as Mr. Fucker so it's hard for us to latch onto anything.

Some have mentioned choppy passages. I’ve been trying to power through these without getting hung up on writing style, so I’m happy to say I didn’t even notice it.

Pg. 9 “some of these fins came from living, breathing creatures of God.” Are the other ones made of plastic? What kind of collection would that be?

Not too bad. It sort of leaves me with an empty feeling, but that might be intentional. It’s not like people such as John don’t exist, and it’s not as though they don’t spend their time screwing people like Carl over. There’s nothing dishonest in that end, and I wouldn’t suggest changing it just because it doesn’t “feel good”.

And yet I can’t shake the idea that something’s missing… I think a downer ending needs to have its theme more firmly woven into the story. I’m not sure what the theme is here. Carl made a deal with the devil, but it’s really his wife that’s going to suffer. And it’s hard to say he should regret his actions when not finning the sharks would’ve had the same results. At least he tried, right? He’d feel worse if hadn’t, or about the same. Hmmm….

I think maybe this should’ve been the first time Carl did this, rather than his last time. As we meet him, he’s already pretty compromised and this is just one more trip, so I don’t have as much a feel for his arc. Still… The message here seems to be, “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t and everything else is false promises.” That’s depressing, but not necessarily incorrect.

Oh, well. Got me thinking at least and it read well. So this is one of the stronger entries for me.

Congrats on completing the OWC

I actually enjoyed the story. For a weeks work it was pretty good. A couple of things, I would have loved to see more of a struggle between Carl and the shark. It almost felt too easy for him. Also, the way it ended left a bad taste in my mouth. It's fun to see the bad guy win once in awhile but I was really hoping Carl had something up his sleeve in return for John. Instead we have Carl going to prison and his wife is going to die I'm assuming because the medical bills are piling up and they can't afford to keep her alive? But I guess it all makes sense because John represents the big shark in the water that Carl couldn't kill. Right? Maybe I'm wrong. All in all, good job.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

I have absolutely no idea who the writer is of this. Seeing someone complain that the writing is in any way confusing...are you kidding? What could possibly be confusing about that opening? Maybe the reader was distracted.

The VO threw the reader off? Huh? The VO was perfectly effective. We heard John offering to pay for one more job while we saw Carl's wife in the hospital. Good choice, visual, certainly not confusing. Not even a little. I'm confused by the confusion. Maybe the reader just has one of those pet peeves against VO. What can you do. Some people get squeamish when they see certain things.

To repeat...I have no idea who wrote this. But as far as the writing, leaving aside the story for the moment, this is about as effective as I've ever seen for an OWC. It's clear, concise, and the dialogue sounds mostly realistic. There are a variety of writing styles people can choose from, that's fine. In terms of clarity and efficiency, this is in the top 1% of all the OWC scripts I've read in the last 3.5 years. Any writing can be improved, but if all the OWC shorts are written this well, and so far they have been this time, then things are looking up around here!

As for the story...pretty well done. It's a little talky for short, though. I'm someone who likes dialogue if it's interesting, but there was a lot of purely expository dialogue. The problem is that the audience doesn't know about "finning". I didn't either. That leaves the film obligated to tell us, and that's a distraction. But there are probably ways to streamline all that. Like why do we need to know how John first discovered finning? We don't.

I love that you quoted Ayn Rand(and Robin Williams Dead Poets thing), but that's also more unnecessary dialogue.

The turn at the end was logical, so it works pretty well. Carl had much more depth than the standard protag we see in shorts. He felt guilty about what he was doing, was obviously educated and philosophical based on the way he named his boat, and his wife's sickness left him vulnerable to manipulation. That's all great stuff for a short.

Last consideration is that more effort was maybe put into making John interesting than Carl. Not a major criticism, sometimes that works fine. And it basically worked here.

But if this is a new member to the board, you are a welcome addition. Excellent effort, strong writing, talent on display. If it's an old hand, well you don't need me to say it, but nice work.

Well, I was liking this until John's loooooooong dialog at the end. That ruined it for me, sorry to say.

Your action lines were pretty good, although I'm not a big fan of too many sounds and the CAPS. For me it comes across as cartoonish.

The flashback...I have mixed feelings on it. My first feeling is, you didn't need it. My second feeling is, I liked how you worked it in. Try it again because with the right story, it could actually be pretty cool.

A good start with a weak ending but a good effort for this OWC.

Quoted from KevinLenihan I have absolutely no idea who the writer is of this. Seeing someone complain that the writing is in any way confusing...are you kidding? What could possibly be confusing about that opening? Maybe the reader was distracted.

Hmmm, are you referring to my review, Kev?

I just now reread the opening - it's all OVER BLACK.  It's nothing but sound effects and based on what is written, very few of these sound effects are such that anyone would know what they're listening to.

You disagree?

I won't quote you further, because it gets lame and wierd, but you say that IYO, this is in the top 1% of any OWC you've read in 3 1/2 years?  Really?  I literally cannot beleive this.

I haven't seen any other comments from you this OWC, which makes me wonder if you really don't know who wrote this.

You get me?     Damn, I like saying and writing that.  LOL...

Code SHLINK! A metal blade drags across wood. MAN (V.O.) I'm sorry. THWACK!

Why? Thwack is straight out of the 1960's Batman series. Shlink? I think that is too. I'll try and reread this another day... but please, whatever you do... get rid of those silly sound effects. All I end up doing is saying the word over and over again in different ways trying to decipher the actual sound the spelling is implying.

The odd Bang is OK.. everyone knows what a bang is. I have no idea what a shlink is. I have read thwack before... can't remember if it was the Beano or Batman... probably both. I'll come back to this and ignore the sound effects.

I have no clue who wrote it Jeff. Not even a guess. And I've read about 10 scripts so far, kept notes on the side. In the fine tradition of Ray. I just happened to open this script next. Saw your notes. Based on them...perhaps you know the writer?

THWACK!

I know who wrote this.

Shawn.....><

Can't really see this being a newbie - but I do have my suspicions as to who it is, and if the writer knows nothing of garden microbes, then I'm wrong and apologise.

The ending's uncompromising, and sometimes with a story, you just have to go with that - we can't bleat each time a story doesn't fit into our world-view.

It is a morality tale, and neither man is innocent - each causes suffering in his own way. As such, it's meant to cause debate - designed to split the yea's from the nay's.

I wasn't a huge fan of all the CHOMP! stuff, but that aside I thought this was very well written - Carl's fight with the shark on the boat was pretty well done, there was some good tension there, and a great mood created - and mood's a tricky one to get off well, and that struggle was dark and focussed.

Issues for me: I guess Carl was kept deliberately quiet, but that meant that John's voice filled the dialogue, and to me that made it feel unbalanced - I thought maybe to have Carl's wife speak, but that might have added a dimension that the writer didn't want. The "When you told me how sick you wife was..." was clunky exposition - when a quick reference,  or question, would have added intrigue.

This is good - it's very well written, and the writer has written it for himself, and not to please the crowd.

Not to jump in the middle of something, I was actually going to mention something along these lines in my review, but decided against it.

Here’s the thing about sound design…

It’s not down to any single effect. They pull together to make a picture in your head. No, the audience wouldn’t know exactly what they were hearing, but they’d get an idea.

Imagine if it only read “HUMS. LAP.SPLASHING. BOOM! A WHISTLE. SOARS. UNRAVELS. THUMP! SHUFFLE. GRUNTS. TAUT. SPLASHING. SHLINK!” Now that’s meaningless. The folly artist, or whoever ends up in charge of capturing/creating those sounds needs to know what those sounds actually are.

Just because the reader can’t ‘see’, “Rope pulls TAUT” and most of an audience wouldn’t be able to ‘hear’ exactly what that is, does not mean it’s useless information in the script; or that a screenplay shouldn’t begin with a medley of sound effects.

Of course there are limitations to describing sounds with words, but I don't understand how one can construct a scene in their head without "hearing it" to some degree.

I know quite a lot about garden microbes... given that I sell them. If you're thinking this is me... it isn't. I'm pretty much against sound effects completely these days, even were I trying to disguise my style, I don't think I could go the sound effect route.

In regards to ewall433's comment. If I were writing that scene... rather than writing, 'SHLINK, a metal blade scrapes across wood.' I would simply write, 'a blade scrapes along wood.' There isn't a need for the actual sound effect. In fact, the sound effect gets in the way. Comes across as comical rather than setting the tone you want. Drop the sound effect, let the reader hear it themselves.

Back to the story... so far, I'm glad I came back to this. Written well. Still on page one. ah, page 2... why have you drawn attention to his cough? Is the cough a new scene or character? Is it an important sound effect, even? Y'know, next to all the other sounds that are going on? The cough has been drawn particular attention to for some reason... why? Why is COUGH in uppercase? Most irritating.

OK, page 4. This is good. I like where this is going. You've set a nice tone.

Yeah... now BEEP, BEEP... is fine, because I know what a beep is... but still you could just write, the sonar beeps.

Code A familiar HUM resonates as Carl quiets the engine.

It's almost like you go out of your way just to write in sound effects and this has actually messed with your sentence structure here. How can we know it is a familiar hum? Does Carl pull a face like he's just broken wind after finding a private, secluded place to do it? Ah! That familiar hum. lol. You need to find another way to describe this line, IMO.

Code Carl reaches into the bucket. Pulls out a chunk of meat. PLOP! The meat hits the water. Red tendrils of blood trail from it.

Why waste an entire line for an unnecessary sound effect? This is not helping the mood. It's very cartoonish.

Code The BEEPING softens. Perhaps we've grown accustomed to it.

Yet another aside that doesn't work. You write well, but these little tricks you are employing are transparent and seem forced. An attempt to add voice. Maybe it would work better if not distracted by the cartoon sound effects... not sure. Voice is a mood thing, I suppose... and mine is constantly shifting with this piece because of all the distractions you've put in.

OK, this got incredibly shit at page 9. I'm not buying it. OK, that was also the end. For the most part this is a story told well... but it doesn't ring true that a super rich guy would rip off a poor guy after already profiting from him.

To sum up... written well aside from the cartoon sound effects, but the twist at the end does not fit and seems rushed through lack of direction.

OK I’m going to dive in here (heh heh, sorry I’ll get my coat)

I was initially put off by the page of sound effects. The last few ‘how to write’ screenplay books I’ve read say sound effects should be minimum, only included if they are deemed essential to the story. I’m all for a bit of artistic flair and the author to display their voice/style but this seemed excessive.

If you submit a script like this to a studio or to a festival and the guy reading it has a gripe against overuse of sound FX they are gonna ditch this script at page 1, that’s all I’m saying.

The flashback is not essential but you know what it’s fine. I watch a lot of TV (probably too much) and I can see it happen a lot where they take a standard scene and add in lots of flashbacks and editing to make it look a bit different, even though it’s not essential. So to me it’s fine, it ties you in a bit more emotionally with the character as well I think.

Was there a rogue shark in this? Seemed to me there’s just shark hunting. Or is John supposed to be the rogue shark metaphorically speaking?

Why is Carl, an experienced fisherman and shark hunter not wearing gloves when hunting the most dangerous shark to hunt? Seemed odd. The hunt itself was quite straightforward considering all the build-up as well.

John’s double cross had a lot of ‘the bad guy explaining to the good guy’ dialogue going on but I liked John’s story about the shark on the beach nonetheless.

I’m not a fan of non-endings. This didn’t end, there was no resolution – it was depressing just for depressing’s sake.

As well as this was written (and it was very well written) I didn’t buy the entire premise anyway. Shark specialists estimate around 100 million sharks are killed for their fins each year. There’s a huge market out there and yes it’s illegal but fins are easily obtainable; most are used for soup.

Therefore John didn’t have to hire an aging desperate fisherman, Carl didn’t have to sell fins to just one dodgy buyer who doesn’t pay a cent up front and this mysterious collector doesn’t have to spend a fortune to John or any one source for fins. There was no need for any of this to happen.

Formatting and structure of scripts are indeed important. However I can forgive sluglines that end in orphans (whatever that means, must google it sometime) and other small issues that can be fixed with practice and I do dislike it when people bail out over such trivial matters.

To me though the story and believability are more important. So in this respect it didn’t work for me but well done for entering the OWC and for putting together something so solidly written in such a short period of time.

Mark

Ok, I’ll agree that a lot of the sounds here are too much. For instance, SOARS isn’t a sound. And it’s usually not a great idea to get too creative with the sound effects or, god help you, create a new onomatopoeia. I just wanted to provide a little push back on the ‘don’t do it at all’ idea. There are plenty of times in movies where sounds intrude on the characters and I think using easy to digest sound effects in a careful, measured way is a decent tool for building atmosphere.

I understand that there are ‘rules’ about this, and if you don’t have much confidence in how you’re executing a particular technique, then it’s best to remove it from your script before sending it to someone who could make or break you (and if you have false confidence, then good luck no matter what your technique is). But part of being an amateur is doing things badly until we’ve done them right.

If an amateur artist has trouble drawing human hands, they don’t just turn every subject into a Simpson’s character. They draw a lot of goofy looking hands, keep it hidden from anyone except those they really trust, and cross their hard-to-render fingers that they’ll get better at it one day. If there’s any place for an amateur writer to go to see what is and isn’t working, this is it. So, I don’t think writers here benefit from blanket ‘don’t do that’ analysis. This a good place to figure out why a certain rule is being observed.

Not that that hasn’t happened here. I detected an imbalance early on and decided to step on the other side of the scale because…

…where else are you gonna find a writer sticking their neck out for sound effects  

A lot of really excellent notes on this script today. Helpful to both the writer and the rest of us checking in.

This one in particular I found to be insightful about the general approach to writing OWCs.

Quoted Text If there’s any place for an amateur writer to go to see what is and isn’t working, this is it. So, I don’t think writers here benefit from blanket ‘don’t do that’ analysis. This a good place to figure out why a certain rule is being observed...

OWC's are a good place for an experienced amateur to experiment a little with...well, anything, from technique to style to story concepts. This thread ironically has become the OWC at its best, I think.

SNIKT! The beginning seems to be all over black so I understand you will need sound effects to illustrate what's going on. However a Boom, Thump, and Shlink don't tell me much. Instead I would describe what is making the sound. For example the boom is a charge from the harpoon gun being fired. Write that I would think.

The setup is done very well on the docks. The flashback is crucial so keep it. This is cinema, it's a visual format. So by all means show his wife sick and pain. We wouldn't care about Carl and his blight nearly as much if we didn't see her situation.

The boat's name is excellent because it adds to the story. Good choice. This is exactly what you need to be doing, especially in a short.

The fishing scene is too easy though. I was expecting some kind of battle. As is, the hardest part was just finding the shark. I was thinking this would be more like Deadliest Catch. If you ever watch that show something bad ALWAYS happens while those guys fish. The weather is awful, somebody almost falls overboard, or is impaled by a hook. You need that here.  

The only thing missing from the very end is John twirling his mustache. There has to be another way of showing this beside him talking on and on. Another flashback of John in Australia so we're not looking at a boring office? The twist at the end is fine. But, just an idea. I don’t think Carl is going to be killed but Carl know knows how much these things are worth. What's stopping him from going back out and getting more fins? After all, Carpe Diem right? I'd like to see Carl back on the ocean finning for himself. Take it even further, have John go to meet his buyer only to find Carl already there, undercutting him by selling his own fins with a smile.

This was written fairly well. Very sparse but it works. It started off strong for me but  got weaker towards the middle and finally at the end it fell flat. Nothing a rewrite couldn't fix to make this one really shine. Good job.

Quoted from EWall433 and I think using easy to digest sound effects in a careful, measured way is a decent tool for building atmosphere.

I completely agree. I use sound effects... but they have to be sensible ones and used very sparingly. They can give the wrong idea about a sound and can also be very distracting. I think I'd much rather go the route of describing what type of sound it is in a sentence rather than trying to sum it up in one word that will never sound right.

I feel that this writer has utilised these tools, both the sound effects and the asides in the wrong way here... especially when their writing is plenty good enough without them. Unfortunately the story isn't quite there for the writer this time.... but it's not an easy challenge.

Finning

i'm not knocking this but i have now read a handful which start OVER BLACK - so i just share some pro feedback that this is beginning to be on their list of pet hates. Didn't know myself until i read it but I'm beginning to see why

actually thats a lot over black - are you sure we could all work that out?

Bull shark fin - despite what he says i find this to be underwhelming

ok, finished and he was doubled crossed. poor wife. thats it

the dialogue got too long and if the double cross is to work it should be foreshadowed and reasoned, it wasn't.

needs few tweaks

"JOHN (V.O.)
You must ask yourself -- how much
does your wife mean to you?"

LOL in a positive way. Awesome! Sick!
I would love to see him when he speaks that line. I believe YOU HAVE TO SHOW HIM, "PLEASE???"


Sorry, for my pedantry but: Can't Carl just sell his entire boat, with the shark sonar, and all that, for paying the hospital? It sounds as if his equipment's expensive. You described Carl as the owner, hey, I hope I didn't lost the connection of this ownership relation anywhere.


"Carl pulls at the rope. He SCREAMS. Looks at his hands. The
friction has split his palms down the middle."

Very good. The whole hunting experience entertains me most so far. I'm standing beside this man at the railing. Now the end, I hope you did it...

Okay , the ending... I said something about the "prices" above. So, the numbers you call out for those fins aren't what I expect them to be.

I guess Carl has to kill him.

It's a social and political ending in a script which lived from its Tension. Yes, there is an arch, a connection of the social part concerning the Point that the wife's life depends on Money; but the Peta extortion-stuff is the wrong game to end it. Too overconscientious.

Act 1 is good, 2nd is good, 3 is a bad choice in my eyes; not a catastrophe but it's clearly below the level of the other acts.

I think you can find a better one for this script. Just a matter of time.
It's a pity. The ending is so important...!!!!!!!
The possibility you are able to repair that was shown by you with act 1 and 2.  

*A few spoilers*

Okay.  Two thirds of the way through this one, I was thinking it was going to be my favorite of the OWC.  The writing's exceptional.  Smooth, well written - and the beats and emotional hook was there.  Some of it was too staccato in places (which is de rigeur for the industry now a days) - but still.... very nice.

Theeeeennnn, you threw in a Rand quote.  That was a negative, especially since you inverted the meaning of the quote (ie: that sacrifice is completely wrong.  Not that sacrifice of some is necessary.)  And then, you have it said by a character that Rand would have been disgusted by...  IE: someone who lies, and welshes on a contract.  Makes me think ya don't know Rand. Which is true of alot of people who bring her up in various ways.

But... that would just be a ding.  If everything else had concluded satisfactorily, I still would've considered the story stellar.  But - dude!  You let the bad guy win!  Which caused the story to fall on its head.  The antagonist needed to get his comeuppance, and he didn't.  I hope you do rework this ending, because the rest of the story's very much worth it.

This review may be a touch harsh...but it's because this one had soooo much potential.  I'm actually a little disappointed.    

6. Finning - A down-on-his-luck fisherman is hired by a wealthy entrepreneur to obtain the final, and most dangerous, addition to his unusual collection of shark fins.
Brief - Blue collar guy gets stiffed by a white collar guy over finning a shark.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 2.5
Carl, John, security guard
Scenes to Build  - 5
Marina dock, Carpe Diem external, sick wife in hospital bed, boat alone on a open ocean, office
Accessory Visual - >12
Cooler, handshake, checkbook, pen holding, sonar screen + flashing target, tranquilizer gun + box + tranq dart, yellow bucket, bait on a line
Accessory Audio - >18
Boat motor idling, wave laps on hull, variable splashing 3x, Boom!, whistle!, projectile soars, thump, rushing feet, man grunt, sisal rope tightens, metal blade across wood, Thwack!, cooler drop, boat motor running, gun to wall rack,

Genre & Marketability - Action Drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  Efffff meeeee. I’m just on the opening sequence over black, compiling the assorted sounds to acquire, process, and layer - not even done with the sequence - and I’m getting tired of it. I but that’ll take me… four work hours total to get all that audio in the opening sequence - over dark. Sigh… Boat alone is going to require the equivalent build of a scene. Turn off your program’s “Mores & Continueds” feature. Effffff meeee. A [expletive] flashback on page two. On page three I’m ditching my producer’s hat. You’re killing me with all these scenes.
No matter if a scene is for two full screen hours or a half-second it costs money to get cast, crew, and equipment to and from each location + set up & breakdown. So, each scene and setting needs to be worthwhile. All these bit scenes are killing the budget.
That said, I’ve put on my reader’s hat, and finished your submission: Hup… No, wait. It looks like we can ditch that hospital sequence and probably figure out a brief exposition solution for why dumb Carl’ll agree to that “one last trip” cliché. Yeah, you can delete that whole hospital scene, maybe get by with a single scene build of a sickly woman.
I’m consolidating the page 4 INT/EXT of the boat into just an external shot. Ditching the hip flask bit.
Alright, by page five I’m out, again. Sorry.
There’s just too many details I gotta do and I’m only halfway through the story. Putting my reader hat back on.
Final word - Pass. Too much work for a “meh…” story.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.8          Screenplay Pages
= 98/147     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Quoted from MarkRenshaw As well as this was written (and it was very well written) I didn't buy the entire premise anyway. Shark specialists estimate around 100 million sharks are killed for their fins each year. There's a huge market out there and yes it's illegal but fins are easily obtainable; most are used for soup. Therefore John didn't have to hire an aging desperate fisherman, Carl didn't have to sell fins to just one dodgy buyer who doesn't pay a cent up front and this mysterious collector doesn't have to spend a fortune to John or any one source for fins. There was no need for any of this to happen.

Mark - I hadn't thought about it when I reviewed this one, but you're quite right.  The premise - when examined - really doesn't work.  And another reviewer rightly pointed out that John just should've sold his boat (although perhaps it wouldn't have been enough $$.)  Still, due to the writing and the natural empathy the story successfully builds for John, I'm actually willing to ignore all those things.

But the ending really does smash it to bits. IMO...
But the first two acts.  Loved 'em.  And I didn't mind the sound effects.

Quoted from wonkavite Theeeeennnn, you threw in a Rand quote.  That was a negative, especially since you inverted the meaning of the quote (ie: that sacrifice is completely wrong.  Not that sacrifice of some is necessary.)

Self sacrifice is wrong?

Sorry, I can't remember the Rand quote... and I'll agree that she is often misunderstood... but it doesn't ring true that she would say the sacrifice of others is necessary, more that self sacrifice is something one should never have to do.

I'm probably wrong, and I can't be bothered to check... so maybe you can enlighten me.

OK, I decided to pull up the full quote... here is what Rand is saying exactly:

It only stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there's service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master.


What she is actually saying there is that one should avoid sacrifice.... not embark upon it.

"What she is actually saying there is that one should avoid sacrifice.... not embark upon it."

Exactly.  And that those who call self-sacrifice a virtue are often, at the end of the day, the ones who are ultimately picking up the spoils.

The bad guy in Finning (Mr. Evil Rich Guy), implies that he considers sacrifice a good thing - the way of the natural world - and that as alpha male, he'll be the beneficiary.  Yet, the way he quotes Rand is as if he approves of her.  Yet - that's just the type of person that Rand would have railed against until she turned blue in the face.  But, I'm used to people misrepresenting Rand's philosophy (the number of religious folk that quote her approvingly is rather bewildering.)

All that said - while I consider it a ding off the script, it's a shame that it ended on the note that it did.  Because (Rand or no Rand), the first two acts were superb.

Emotional story well-crafted with varied style and technique. Impressive.

Wow. Super interesting opening. A bold decision to on black so long and tell your story through sounds. Very intriguing.  Good job. Nice work with boat name. Carpe diem. Like carp. And seize, as in the catch. Good character descriptions.  By comparing the boat with carl you kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Concise. Economic writing style. Combined with the soundscape earlier, I'm really liking this set-up.  The good descriptions continue.  I can tell you've written a few descriptive passages before. Combining style with story is a hard balance. Details here tell their own story. Especially strong writing style for character introductios. Not throughout,  which you avoided.

Cue backstory. Good way to show rich prick john is manipulating carl, as I doubt he actually cares for the sick wife. Nice pairing of image with dialogue during flashback. Carl's voice over wife's cautious face, and  he forces a reassuring smile. I like the use VO of present day over flashback. It suggests this what Carl's thinking. His motivation. He's weighing his options, and we feel it more than if you didn't pair thes images to VO. Good technique.

Good use of VO. You could have easily shown speech then show flashback,  but by pairing the 2 timeliness you once again kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Nice economy here. For me, it also definitely raises the emotional stakes. It's exposition that feels more emotionally based vs plot. So that ending carries more weight and denser gravity.

I love how the image of his wife throughline continues with photo in boat. He sees her everywhere. She's always on his mind. Great way to show these internal elements.

When you get to action on page 5 it's so intense. Nice sparse, concise descriptions. The whole page flows beautifully lntense stuff. This shift in style really dictates the pace. Quick and action packed. I winced with the rope. Simple relatable pain

You've shown a steady sure hand with the craft in several different ways. I sense you're seasoned. Good job. Especially in 7 days.

The shark attack could have been further embellished. As is there's a substantial struggle but there could be more danger
Maybe he has to move hand from bite. I loved the moment they lock eyes. Man and beast. Haunting. Raised machete. I'd stretch this out another moment. To suggest hesitation. Then we're not sure either. We are sure what he's thinking though. No doubt. His wife. Good restraint to not flash an image of her. You laid the foundation.  It worked for me. Make sure it lands for everyone. Then he apologizes and brings knife down.

Another nice throughline, by the way, he's so apologetic. And these were our first words from carl. Perhaps it was this moment, and not a previous shark. It gives even more reason to open on black and focus so much on the soundscape. It all makese sense to me. Like puzzle pieces shifting into the larger picture. It's so subtle, but I imagine this is your intention. Then again I'm a nerd. Hehehe.  Another tool in the box. Another smart technique on display. Good job. I love your style.

Nice scene transition to fins. I'd alter the description so fins are mentioned first, then shelf. More clarity, more impact, right. I like how carl exchanges no pleasentries. Just drops the cooler with the fin. Take it.

I love this speech. Love. Nice restraint to not flashback to shark on beach and John's backstory. John tells story, and just like carl, we are forced to listen to it. This prick. And we get anxious, like carl. Gimme the cash. I'm out. This great technique reminds me of Inglorious Basterds. But I'm thinkin of the pastry and creme scene, not thd opening. She has to listen this guy, anxious, waiting, hoping for the best. And he just takes his time talking and enjoying his delicate pastry. Delaying our expectations is hard work. You handled it well.

It's almost like John is toying with us too at this point. Clever stuff, writer.

And in this speech you sell the majestic wonder of being in the presence of a shark. Then john cuts off the fin. Stark contrast.

Nooo! You made me so mad. Don't worry I'm still with you. It's like reading Game of Thrones. You wanna throw the book sometimes. I just wanted carl to succeed so badly. You put him in danger, with the guard restraining him. And this prick threatening him. No. Now his wife is in danger, if he can't get money. Seriously strong writing. A cascade of events. You almost HAD to do it. The story needed this conflict. Bold. Brave. You made me love him, just to fear for his safety.  Its like the Spielberg manipulation at play in ET. It's not fair, I yelled at the screen as a kid. It got me. You got me. I love it. And from and OWC, no less. It's powerful stuff to tap into. Overpowering emotional response to a movie.

The ending. Well, first, I guess it's open ended. John might not let carl live. His dialogue of give my best to the misses, could suggest in the afterlife... cuz yer dead. Hehehe.  But I took this at face value. He's Catch 22ed. He can't go to cops. No money.

So now... I can't wait to see the rest of this movie.

The characters and emotional weight are feature worthy. You created an equally compelling villain with delicious speeches. I hated him, hard. And Carl was the perfect hero. Very relatable motives within limited pages. On feature length this could be something really special. Strongly consider pursuing this expansion. Then send it to me. I wanna know what carl does next. How does he bust john? Or does he get vigilante justice? How does he save wife?

I did all my reviews with a 5 star rating, in my notes. No 5s were given. And only a few received 4s. This is a 4 1/2. Take that for what it's worth, a 5 is perfect for me. This could us a little more intense shark action.  But that's about all I can point out really.

Strong writing skills. Diverse technique. Great characters. Good speech. Great simple relatable emotion.  

For me, this was most impressive on several levels. Of the 4 OWCs I've participated in.

Just. Awesome.

Wow. I just read other reviews here today. Seems like my love for this is in the minority. Good polar reactions like most great movies.

When the writers are revealed I hope you clear up the end / beginning.  

I connected the 2. Maybe incorrectly.  

I assumed we didn't see images of beginning, because this was carl catching the bull shark for rich prick john later.

I thought this sounds on black technique was a great way to tell the story in a non-chronological matter, without us knowing til the end. Brave to not use titles that say 2 days earlier or whatever.

Know what I mean.

So ya... clear this up later.

I'm agreeing with the OVER BLACK start, it really doesn't look right and what happened to the traditional use of FADE IN?

Also this annoyed me a little:

"CARL
You don't understand. Bull sharks
are different. They're territorial. Aggressive. Most shark attacks you hear about on the news are because of bull sharks, Mr. Walton."

OK, for starters Bull sharks are not territorial, they can literally be found anywhere.

To be honest I was out by this stage, not just because of that comment, just the story didn't keep me reading.

Good luck with this.

Lee