All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Dreamscale, do you not see how all of these things you're commenting on can be improved? You're criticizing in a way that makes this script (as well as a few others you have commented on) appear unsalvageable by using words like redonkulous, rotten, poor, and at one point, you even say you don't care. Why are you commenting then?
My praise was not glowing at all. That's a deluded comment. I acknowledge several errors I discovered in the script in my feedback, and I even point out a specific moment I personally felt was ridiculous. As it is now, the script isn't very good. Does that make it bad? No. I see what the writer is going for, and I'm not going to get hung up on a couple choice moments and errors in formatting to prevent me from seeing the bigger picture.
I feel the need to focus more on the stories with these OWC entries because, in the grand scheme of things, what's the point of correcting a grammatical/formatting error if it's the moment itself that doesn't work?
I feel that if I didn't read the whole script and put some positivity in my comment to the writer, he/she would not have had anything constructive to take away from some of these comments, particularly yours because you bailed. Why does it always take someone disagreeing with you for you to give a script an actual full read-through? Not that it matters -- I'm sure you've convinced yourself not to like it by then, so it hardly qualifies as a fair shake. That only leaves me wondering why you come back and give it another chance. What are you hoping to accomplish with your second comment? Are you trying to indoctrinate someone into your way of thinking?
OK. Show of hands. Who changed their mind?
You are welcome to think whatever you'd like about the script, but I don't need to be told I'm fooling myself when I say I'm entertained by something. You are not me, and you will not speak for me.
Now go read a sentence in a script, type something hateful, read another sentence, type something hateful, and so on and so forth while the rest of us actually read the script the whole way through before putting a pen to paper.
Chris, I said I don't care who wrote this script, not that I don't care in general.
I care more than you or anyone else here knows about trying to be honest, real, and help improve the quality of writing and story telling - that's why I comment so much - because I do care.
If you want to comment on the story vs. the technical execution, then do that and be honest about what you're saying...don't sugarcoat things that give false hope to writers.
Could I say what I want to say in "nicer" ways? Sure I could. Should I? Maybe, but we're all the way we are and after awhile, peeps start to understand that. If that means, I'm a mean old asshole, who's always negative and picky, then so be it.
You and anyone else can disagree with things I say all you like. That's fine and that's human nature. You can even disagree with technical styles I shoot down, but simple technical formatting, grammar, spelling, and punctuation cannot be argued - if it's wrong, it's wrong and the writer needs to know that.
As for story, although there's much more room for differences in opinion, some things just can't be argued - if they make no sense, it's a mistake. If it's redonkulous, it's redonkulous, and my apologies to the writer here, but numeruos story elements here are downright redonkulous.
What am I trying to accomplish by responding to your review and going back to finish the script? I guess I'm trying to see if I did indeed make a mistake by baling when I did.
Do I care what peeps think of my reviews? In a way, I do, because however they may be written, they're intended to point out mistakes to help the writer going forward, because most peeps, here at SS, don't see all the mistakes, or are afraid to comment on them, which does nothing to help the writer.
If this is truly the kind of story you enjoy and think is well conceived and put togther, I'm not sure what to say, but I know going forward your words won't hold much water with me.
OK, this part made my day; “OLD MAN Don’t forget desert.”
I know you meant ‘Dessert’, but that’s not why it’s funny, it just is…
I’m glad you ended off with that because the rest of the story was questionable. I get the notion you designed the lake around some type of Quarry (you’ve been to, go to) that has; as they typically do, filled in with water, especially the funky green stuff. That would probably explain the rock wall that created the obstacle to get around.
Anyways, then there’s this creepy geriatric from… somewhere, who’s there to feed his pet shark! Nice.
This seriously would not be too bad if the shark was in fact put in the lake by this ‘Incredibly twisted’ old fart, but as you stated, it came upstream from a river. I like the concept of some lonely old guy who’s family have all gone on to better… whatever, leaving this poor dude to wallow in his own vice of how to cope with going on. How you ask? By getting a pet Bull Shark!
I know Jeff's an arsehole... in fact the biggest arsehole on the site. I have no problems being number two. But there are times I can't finish a script and will say my reasons why. Quite a few have been through feeling offended at the writer not even bothering with the rogue shark element. Rogue in this case, of course, means a shark that is attacking humans.
Jeff didn't have the bottle to put in a serious entry himself.... so it doesn't matter if it gets slated. He has the ready-made excuse... hey, I didn't even try. Then he has the nerve to slaughter other scripts. I understand this can be grating to other writers... but think about where poor Jeff is coming from for a second.
He's a failed screenwriter and he can't even be bothered trying to be an amateur any more for fear of being ridiculed like he ridicules everyone else. He's got it tough. He's got a lot to live up to. Last time he had a script up it got slaughtered and he disappeared for a while. Recovered, came back his old pisser-writing self. Still slaughtering scripts without fear of reprisals. Where I come from it's called being all mouth, no balls.
Personally, I don't think it's useful to critique a script - but giving feedback is useful, and I think it should contain elements of not just where you think the writer went wrong, but where they can go right.
That's my only gripe with some comments here - it's actually quite easy finding an error, but often if people are going to move forward, you need to say what they can do to put it right.
Is this your script? I haven't read it yet, but showing my hand here, I think all aspects are appropriate to note regarding feedback. We're here to learn and improve. I'll focus on the story though if that's your request.
Grammar is important!!
Let me tell you some things about myself, and I'll let you answer your own question.
I'm 24 years old. I have been with my partner for two years. We live together. We rescued a dog together. I have been teaching pre-kindergarten for the past four years. I have seen nearly 100 children transition from the preschool setting to their first day of kindergarten in a public school. I don't make much money, but I do what I can to support myself because I am completely independent of my parents. Not only do I rely on myself, but my partner, dog, and students all rely on me in some way.
Now, given all of this information, do you really think I would care enough to take the time to falsely critique my own script as a pat on the back to myself?
With that incredible assumption aside, I agree that grammar is important, and all aspects of screenwriting should be noted. I will never say it's not okay to look for those things.
Here is my issue. Dreamscale hates the story. He takes the time to tell the writer how to fix the grammatical/formatting issues, but then says he doesn't understand how anyone could possibly enjoy this and actually questions a person's judgment for doing so. WTF? Because you didn't like it, nobody else can like it? What kind of self-serving, egocentric logic is that?
Dreamscale should have said, "Look, I wasn't a fan of this at all, and I never will be. But here's how you can fix the formatting and grammatical issues for those that might enjoy this kind of thing." But saying anyone else shouldn't enjoy this because he didn't is bombastic and a disservice to the writer and all readers who could potentially get something from this. I should never have been specifically quoted and judged for saying I saw potential here.
I know Jeff's an arsehole... in fact the biggest arsehole on the site. I have no problems being number two. But there are times I can't finish a script and will say my reasons why. Quite a few have been through feeling offended at the writer not even bothering with the rogue shark element. Rogue in this case, of course, means a shark that is attacking humans.
Jeff didn't have the bottle to put in a serious entry himself.... so it doesn't matter if it gets slated. He has the ready-made excuse... hey, I didn't even try. Then he has the nerve to slaughter other scripts. I understand this can be grating to other writers... but think about where poor Jeff is coming from for a second.
He's a failed screenwriter and he can't even be bothered trying to be an amateur any more for fear of being ridiculed like he ridicules everyone else. He's got it tough. He's got a lot to live up to. Last time he had a script up it got slaughtered and he disappeared for a while. Recovered, came back his old pisser-writing self. Still slaughtering scripts without fear of reprisals. Where I come from it's called being all mouth, no balls.
Oh, Dustin, Dustin, Dustin. All mouth and no balls? Really? You're definitely one to know about that kind of arsehole.
What are you referring to when you say I worte a script that got slaughtered and disappeared for awhile, only to write pissers only? And, maybe the better question is, why would you een bring up such nonsense?
Am I really Arsehole #1? Really, really? I hope that's not the case, but if peeps think I am, based on the tone and honesty of my feedback, it's totally up to them. The reality is that whether or not they'll admit it, I've helped hundreds of writers here on SS and still do.
I'll tell you what, man, in all seriousness, and not remotely in a gay way, I'd love to show you up close and personal my all mouth and no balls. You get me, freakboy?
What are you referring to when you say I worte a script that got slaughtered and disappeared for awhile, only to write pissers only?
The tragedy (and not in genre) you wrote called, Samhain, Romanian Style. Then you cried about it afterwards and disappeared for a while. I imagined you were sulking... but I now realise you were simply skulking... just biding your time till everyone forgot how shit you are.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Am I really Arsehole #1? Really, really? I hope that's not the case, but if peeps think I am, based on the tone and honesty of my feedback, it's totally up to them. The reality is that whether or not they'll admit it, I've helped hundreds of writers here on SS and still do.
Well, there's just no way I could call myself Arsehole #1 with you around. You should be proud.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I'll tell you what, man, in all seriousness, and not remotely in a gay way, I'd love to show you up close and personal my all mouth and no balls. You get me, freakboy?
If you come near me with your no balls I will kick you in the............ dick.
Poor poor writer ... This Often happens in an OWC when others fight over a script...and you can't answer back.
OWC's are also the place when things get more personal.
Anyway back to the script...
Look, quite a lot of writing issues, which you now know in technicolor
Does the story work?
Three friends in a race - that's fine. Get to it quicker, or with more at stake, or the opposite more lighthearted
Something happens - now to the viewer, they may not be expecting a shark. We are because it's an OWC, but this could be a real surprise in a lake, so that could work.
The girl gets it - seems fine, she is likely to be behind. But would you really debate the fin and explain what it could be?
One gets to the shore, one doesn't - ok, ish
The man in the boat - quite like that reversal. The shame with OWC 's is that sometimes you can see the same idea, and this has happened with this script. Another has had the shark controller. BUT there was no foreshadowing, I think. Good scripts need to make you think it wasn't out of the blue, totally.
My opinion is that I think this would work better if;
Shark was known about
The characters hated each other
It was a revenge, hatred race - personal - a test, like Russian roulette
One is hit and the other now have to work together to survive
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The tragedy (and not in genre) you wrote called, Samhain, Romanian Style. Then you cried about it afterwards and disappeared for a while. I imagined you were sulking... but I now realise you were simply skulking... just biding your time till everyone forgot how shit you are.
Well, I was definitely not pleased with the reception that script received, it did still place in the top 9. How'd your epic fare?
I don't think it helped that you and another SSer decided to atttack my script, once you figured out it was mine. Was I sulking or skulking? No, bro. I was happy with it and that's what counts.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Well, there's just no way I could call myself Arsehole #1 with you around. You should be proud.
I'll take that as a compliment then, I guess.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
If you come near me with your no balls I will kick you in the............ dick.
That wouldn't surprise me one bit. Would you have your high heals on when you attempted that kick or your loafers?
Due to the outrage over poor writing and grammar, here's what I saw.
This didn't remind me of The Raft, more like Lake Placid. The dialogue was good, but not without a huge misstep that could've been good for a comedy. The dialogue between John and Michael doesn't fit the stakes as Liz gets the business from the shark. Other than the easily fixed grammar errors in it, the dialogue is good.
A few examples of awkwardness are easily fixed too. Combine dependent clauses with conjunctions/commas. That alone would make this read better.
Verbs like "eye down" aren't good verbs. First off, "eye" goes against "friends" -- comes across awkward because the flow of the sentence at glance reads "friends eye". Could be eye-down for clarity's sake, but I'd recommend replacing it completely. Secondly, is the obstacle worthy of an eye down if it isn't identifiable? Identify nouns. Instead of using another sentence, "two hundred yards of lake" (which should be joined with the main clause anyway), cut out "obstacle" and define it as such.
"Ripped" and "Athletic" although similar in meaning, are two entirely separate body types. Also, there's no need to include Michael's the youngest because it's stated in the age bracket, and there is no way of telling because they're all very close in age visually.
"Completely" vacant is an unneeded adjective. Vacant is enough.
"A calmness resonates over the lake." This is a good sentence: subject, strong verb, and complete predicate that is supported by subject/verb. This is the formula for all good sentences. Your next sentence -- no verb.
The story is good I thought, and writing isn't half bad but would you rather drive this story in a rusty pick-up or a Ferrari?
Hey Johnny - some great points there. Not forgetting the author's probably checking what's going on here...
Given the grammar that you see in the script, what do you think the author will make of:
"Combine dependent clauses with conjunctions/commas. That alone would make this read better. " vs "Ripped" and "Athletic" although similar in meaning, are two entirely separate body types."
$ on you've lost more people than the author on the former and no-one on the latter.
...so, are you pitching your knowledge, or actually helping the author here? Pitch to the level that the writer's going to get... not to your ego. No offense.
Whoa now, not being pretentious at all! These are basics, and whether the writer is new are not, should look into putting them in their toolbox.
When I first started writing two years ago, I didn't know what a verb was. Writers need to learn these things, and if my feedback doesn't make much sense to the writer, then they are more than welcome to chime in and ask for further clarification on what I'm talking about.
Apologies to the writer if I come across like "a know-it-all", but I don't. Not even close.
OMG three pages of dialogue back and forth about the water and nothing really? This is not starting good I’m sorry to say.
All the characters sound alike. I don’t really care for any of them. Maybe I will as I read onward.
They all sprint towards the lake? I thought they were standing beside the water. One of them had even dipped his foot in and said it was cold.
They are in the water and see a shark fin and their friend Liz getting jerked under yet they say things like this: MICHAEL I think - maybe we should get out of the water. **What would you do if you were in the water while this were happening?
Then more back and forth about I saw a fin..did you see a fin..there are sharks in lakes..WTF? They’d be swimming for their life, wouldn’t they??
A man in a fishing boat appears. I thought this was in a lake? Wouldn’t they have seen a boat before they swam across?
And then the old man sticks Michael with the knife...not much of a story here sorry to say. Congrats on finishing a script for the challenge.
You make some great points -- but they're not basics, and new writers won't get them. I still get confused with grammar, and it's complex, but it's totally worth knowing, so people like you are completely needed here -- my only point is, that given the writing on display, what's the author going to take from what you have to say? If you can explain it in terms that they're going to get, then you've hit the target.
Pages: 
Author
Blood in the Water - OWC
Logged
Locked Board