Another perfect example of how different peeps try to help...and it goes all ways as someone else thinks it's helpful to challenge or attack the others feedback.

And...wait for it...

I see both sides all the time, even when I'm the one being questioned or doing the questioning.

The true beauty lies in the fact that so many peeps are passionate about this thang we call writing.  We all need to learn to take what we can out of each person's words, be they harsh, honest, sugarcoated, downright silly, uninformed, or just wrong.

Johnny's right on, BTW, though.  Dude learned his shit, and it shows.  As he said, all writers should have at least a clue on the basics, if not a mastery - it shows...it always shows.

Roger. I will.

Again, apologies to the writer if my feedback was too much.  

And Jeff... the key-word here is help. If people have got a passion for writing, and a lot of people wouldn't be here if they didn't, then the writing community should help each other out.

You can kick people up the hill or down the hill.

Quoted from Forgive And Jeff... the key-word here is help. If people have got a passion for writing, and a lot of people wouldn't be here if they didn't, then the writing community should help each other out. You can kick people up the hill or down the hill.

Simon, I'm far from the only one who gives "harsh" feedback.  Really?  Look at my bro, Mo.  Looks at lots of peeps at times.

My words are meant to help, whether it's tough love or downright honest shit.  If thge writer takes it to heart and looks to see what I may be saying, I guarantee you, his or her writing will be better the next time out.

And you know what?  It's just my opinion and advice...take it, leave it, make oyster stew out of it.

Starts out with three full pages of filler.  Just back and forth among the three characters that does nothing to build any suspense.  

Once the swimming begins, how exactly are they speaking to each other so clearly?

Not even sure what this next line of dialogue means, but I'm guessing it might be Aussie slang? --

JOHN
You seen the fin too right?

The two guys watch their friend Liz resurface, scream for help and then get pulled under again.  Would they really tread water while saying stuff like "We’re talking about one of the oldest species in the world"?  Thanks for the history lesson, bud, but I think we're about to die here.  So, they make the heroic decision to bail on lunchmeat Liz and swim for shore.  John's "Crazed monkey" tat needed to be intro'd earlier if you're going to make a point of showing it at this part of the story.

Okay, why would a guy safe on land purposely jump back into the water where a bull shark has just devoured his two friends?  I take it Michael was on the swim team, but not on the chess team.  

Not sure if the writer was going for humor with the old man, but it was pretty damn funny when he offers Oscar dessert.  And, I can't wait to hear the explanation for the last line.  "Show me the -"  -money?  -entrails?  -way outta this freaky lake?

This reads like it was written very quickly either right after the owc was announced, or in the minutes leading up to the deadline.  Hey, at least you entered.

Hey.

This one... well, this one felt rather generic to me.  There are quite a few typos in it, and easily avoidable orphans (maybe par for the course with an OWC).  On the up side, a few of the lines/quips were fun and brought a smile to my face.  For instance, "And you forget, the swim team sucked." And: "Elation is gone, fear is present."

One thing that really stuck out at me... On page 5, they see a shark fin... and proceed to banter about it?!?  That's the time they should be bolting out of there!

I actually enjoyed the twist, though I don't feel it was set up properly.  And the ending itself... just petered out too abruptly.

I think this COULD be reworked to something fun.  If you're in the mood to do so.

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

In regards to the grammar and mistakes in this, I'll look past many but when the same one is repeated (and that's the case here) unfortuately, it does detract some. I think a script can overcome that if there's something really good and compelling...this one doesn't quite get there.

It has some things going for it. I think the set-up was OK. I like the concept...the story had potential.

At first I was thinking - a shark in a lake? But that got answered.

I'm with the rest as to what seems to be continuity errors (boat with the guy is now on the lake and topography of the lake).

The twist at the end did work in that I didn't see that coming.

Beware the Old Man of the Sea.

I liked this simple premise. A race to the other side of the lake. The dramatic irony was good. We knew there's a shark. They don't. I love this device. Good job building it up. I liked the competition angle of this short. It's like nature. A race to be on top, as the dominant predator.

The guys are so caught up in race, they don't notice girl missing. Nice. Shark attack. Not a lot scripts had this element. Despite being a supposed requirement. I just wish one of the guys died first. I always root for the underdog. In sports, and like with Ripley in Alien.

Besides some of the bragging made me okay with their upcoming deaths. Good job making us a annoyed with some of their dialogue. Another reason to have girl spring ahead in race. One boy is so caught up chasing her, he doesnt notice buddy disappear. Just an idea.

I would consider trimming dialogue during their panic. Have them swim away and shout sparse dialogue back and forth.

Dang I kinda wished the old man would help. It's another madman somehow controlling and/or feeding shark. I've seen this a few times this OWC. And they always pop out of nowhere to explain why there's a shark. A n unfortunate trend that many are guilty of. Even if these antagonists are hinted at earlier, I still feel like I've been cheated. Story wise.

Our antagonists should have been easy this challenge... it was selected for us in the  requirements. It's hard to find that perfect excuse to pair man and shark as cooperative villains. Cudos for trying. Its just a matter of my personal taste is all.

That's why the concept intrigued me here... simple race across water chased by shark. With this format I just want 10 minutes of entertainment. I think you achieved that, but would have been more enjoyable as the simple race, for me.

Very abrupt end. With cut off dialogue. This would work if we really wanted to know what he said. Like, if it was the reveal of a mystery or a who-dunnit.

Short. Good visuals. Exciting moments. Simple premise goes batshit crazy. Uneven ending.

Lots of errors, but that's not the point.  Spelling, typos, issues with the writing are present but we're not to focus on that.  This is one week's worth of writing and the story is the idea.

Concerning the characters.  I believe, when mentioning John's "crazed monkey tattoo" you could probably mention that much sooner.  His leg washing up on the beach would immediately set the tone and afford you to lose some of the unrequired detail.

The dialogue, as stated before, has some debilitating issues that hurt the flow.  Misuse of "there" and "your", "desert" for "dessert", but here we find me going OTT on something that really doesn't matter for this OWC.

STORY WISE:

This one has a certain spark.  Old git has a pet shark, three young adults are at the lake where the shark is, it has spark and drive, but lacks flavor.

I believe you could have made full use of the 12 page limit for this one, just to shed some light on the situation, bring them to life.

The characters in general did not strike me as people with personality.  I mean, Michael and John had a bet, but Liz?  She did not really add anything and I feel as if her character was wasted just to have 4 characters rather than 3.

The characters could have boasted more personality, but that's again, not the point.

For a 7-day challenge you did pretty well crafting the tale, but I do feel as if you could have added more.  

I, personally, like the idea of a shark as a pet, with a crazed and maniacal old coot keeping it there.  It has potential, but falls in some areas.

You did well, writer.  It's not bad, but it does lack flavor.  An OWC is a tricky beast to pull off, but at least you participated and that's all that matters.

Short: 5.5/10 (has some good moments, the story has potential, not fully realised here)
Shark: 7/10 (it WAS menacing, it did ATTACK, and it was ROGUE, good marks here)

4. Blood in the Water - A friendly wager between three friends, a race across the lake. What they quickly discover is - this swim will be a race for their lives.
Brief - Three random “kids” get nabbed by an old man’s pet freshwater lake shark.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4/3
John, Liz, Michael, Old Man
Scenes to Build  - 3
Lake w beaches, swim across the lake, rock wall shore
Accessory Visual - 17
Toe dip in water  + rings, running trio, dive into lake, Liz thrash in water, dark fin, John pulled into lake, air bubbles, blood in water, leg in water, old man in boat, fishing knife, blood, shark under water, chum bucket, chum, chum scoop
Accessory Audio - 7
Woodland nature audio, sand crunch, splash dive, water thrash, air bubbles pop, knife stab, bloor & air gurgle

Genre & Marketability - Thriller horror
Script format - Good
Comments  -  A lake shark is kinda preposterous and the appearance of the old man in a boat is rather random, but those aside the story is okay. Honestly, just to economize I’d consolidate Liz’s role into either John or Michael’s, eliminating one of them two sausage danglers. Estrogen goes a long way in marketing and could have been better utilized here. Good use of just three scenes, although the rock wall shore seems rather contrived, might nix that as well.
Final word - Meh… Prolly pass on this

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 7.3          Screenplay Pages
= 73/110     Total Build Hours Time Cost

"He grabs the mangled leg and chucks it as
far as he can away from the fishing boat."

This is the best script hands down.


-------

Quoted from RayW Estrogen goes a long way in marketing and could have been better utilized here.

Where are you getting this information, I'm curious to know? I recently read an article stating that women are underrepresented in movies even though they make up 52% of the viewing audience.

-J.S.

EDIT: Fixed incomprehensible language. Thanks R.

Quoted from JS   I recently read an article stating that women are underrepresented in movies even though they make up just a little over the viewing audience.

You've lost something there. They probably do wear make up. I've even been known to myself on the odd special occasion.

R

Quoted from J.S. Where are you getting this information, I'm curious to know?

Experience and observation.

Men pay money for sex and to watch sexual material.
Largely, women do not.

Put a bunch of sausage in a film and hardly anyone wants to watch it.
Put some eggs in there and all of a sudden you got a blossoming love story potential or the mere suggestion of some little spark of hope paying audiences want to see.
BAM! Your audience just doubled.
Plain math and economics.

How many films have a token girl in there just for the satisfying love story aspect?
Darn near all of them.

Girls go a long way in your film.
Use them.

Man cannot live by guns and explosions alone.
Boobs - bullets - bombs.
Learn it - live it - love it.

Quoted from J.S. This is the best script hands down.

Hopefully not a serious comment, but coming from JS...not sure...  

Quoted from RayW Experience and observation. Men pay money for sex and to watch sexual material. Largely, women do not. Put a bunch of sausage in a film and hardly anyone wants to watch it. Put some eggs in there and all of a sudden you got a blossoming love story potential or the mere suggestion of some little spark of hope paying audiences want to see. BAM! Your audience just doubled. Plain math and economics. How many films have a token girl in there just for the satisfying love story aspect? Darn near all of them. Girls go a long way in your film. Use them. Man cannot live by guns and explosions alone. Boobs - bullets - bombs. Learn it - live it - love it.

I agree with all that. At first you said, "Honestly, just to economize I’d consolidate Liz’s role into either John or Michael’s, eliminating one of them two sausage danglers." Which, okay, on one hand the "just to economize" part might make sense. But I don't really agree. I think her character is actually pretty great: the kind of character she is and how she dies. Now had you said that in horror films, female leads are often better, I would agree with you. But I'm still a bit confused on estrogen going a long way in marketing. Many great films are sausage dangler dominate. The female characters are usually utilized for the reasons you mentioned, and only used at a minimum. Sometimes as cheap entertainment i.e. they're just bare breasts that make an entrance into a scene and make an exit. Even in love stories, they're usually used at a minimum. I was just a bit confused how your comment had any relevancy to this particular script, that's all.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hopefully not a serious comment, but coming from JS...not sure...

It's the only script I read that cut to the chase on the first page and kept my interest all the way throughout, minus Nick's script, of course. It's far from perfect, but without question the most entertaining one I read.

-J.S.