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The Tides of Caeus by Lee Cordner (Leegion) - Short, Action/Adventure, Fantasy - Two brothers venture to a mystical island in a desperate attempt to gain a powerful amulet and thwart a Demon's plans to plunge the world into eternal shadow. 31 pages - pdf, format
I'm getting a Conan vibe from this from the start.
Lose the action line about your hero struggling to get his "sorry ass" onto the broken bridge.
I'm not digging Johan's extreme VO prose. Its ok at the beginning but this guy is starting to spout nonsense as the script goes on. He some kind of warrior poet?
"Johan ignores the warning and books a left." Same as sorry ass above. This isn't matching up with your story. Why is there what sounds like street slang in this kind of story?
Still more V.O. from Johan. This is just massive amounts of backstory jammed in here for no reason other than to have it. I'd rather he just keep quiet. For being the strong silent type in the action shown he sure is a chatterbox here.
Why is Urhmier killing his own men? Does he not know what the amulet does? The pirate decays a 1,000 years in a second. Breaking rope bridges, skulls everywhere. I take it back, this is half Conan, half Indiana Jones, half Pirates of the Caribbean. (I'm picturing Captain Hooky pirates for some reason here. Ruffles, big boots, shiny belt buckles, Arrrrgh pirates. Would be a cool aesthetic if so)
Now its half Pinocchio as Johan is inside a giant shark, lol. But you describe Johan slashing away at cells inside its stomach. CELLS? How big is that damn shark??????
At the end you wrote, "Johan EXPLODES out of Caeus's rear." I'm sure this is supposed to be serious but I couldn't help but chuckle a bit.
Obviously this is nowhere near low budget. This script tries to sound epic but fell flat for me. Not my cup of tea but some may like it.
This does read like Hercules or Conan. It's rare they do anything interesting with these movies. But I do love Ray Harryhausen and all that Jason and the Argonauts type stuff. Maybe this will follow the latter. We live in hope.
This bewildered me -
Quoted from TTOC
Johan drags his sorry ass onto the bridge.
A strange way to describe the hero. Or maybe you're having a laugh.
At the end I was thinking a couple of things.
Firstly, you can write. You have imagination and the ability to plot a story.
Secondly - I don't like Dungeons and Dragons. Got this feeling you do. I can watch LOTR and the Hobbit and the like, and enjoy it, but not half as much as others do.
Thirdly - this fitted the challenge, just. But it felt like that device John Cleese and Les Dawson used to use when they had a speech to make at a big occasion. They would start by talking, in some detail, about a historic event that happened on that day. Just as the audience was at the point wondering what all this could possiby have to do with today they would say 'but all that has nothing to do with today, as we're here to celebrate...
Fourthly - It felt a chore to read. The stakes were low for me. Hopefully others will feel diferent. Best of luck with it.
Repetitive voice over and writing, not a good start.
And then that aside on page 2 pops up out of nowhere. We're taking about demon kings and then you write that? Totally ruined the mood.
Another script with VO that's just lost on me. He's there to find an amulet? That should be obvious once he actually starts looking for it. What a waste of two pages.
And the voice over is still going? WTF?
Pirate's introduction is pisser territory sorry to say. Be subtle with it, don't just tell us he's a pirate and be so cliche about it. It gives off this comical vibe which is amplified when you say he has a pissed off look.
Uh, that was a strange fight scene but okay.
Cliche as can be with the traps. The whole thing lacks originality.
Too much voice over that's filled with jargon that I could care less about.
Easy on the characters, mate, dead people count as peeps too. A component of the challenge was only 4.
King pirate sure has very proper and formal English for a uhh, pirate.
"No. I will not." lol
"BOOM. Johan EXPLODES out of Caeus’ rear." WTF? Did he just come out of his arse?
Well, let's be honest, you could tell the same story in around 3 pages if you really wanted to. Guy wants an amulet, guy gets an amulet. I'm not sure about that other stuff happening since it didn't make much sense but it seemed like filler more than anything. I think you had too much invested in the reader, no possible way anybody understood all that backstory. And really, because of that I felt nothing. The action was stale, the protag was bland as all hell, even king pirate was lacking any originality. Not a fan unfortunately.
Just stopped by to pay homage to someone who digs the literal interpretation of an allegory. You're probably going, huh? But then again, maybe you're not. For this story almost follows a ritual that was scribed in the Popul Vuh, the sacred book of the Quichi Indians.
I was thinking you were using the bases of the Chymical Marriage, or perhaps the Rite of Memphis, but when Johan hit the 'Cave of Bats' I figured I had to read it through to see how you interpreted the rest of the ritual, if that's indeed what you were up to. I will say I like the imagination at work here.
Johan's emergence from the beast was somewhat strange, however, and probably could have worked better from a different angle, literally. The concept of a mythological beast as a Shark is something I never considered either, so kudos to that.
Anyways, quite a few people ripping you a new one about the formatting, so I'm not even going to go there. Just wanted to say that I think you invested some thought into this, and it shows in my opinion.
Not sure why all the dead pirates are capped on into. They are dead and have no lines. One of them is ID's with age but his face is crushed, if I read that right.
Overall, I think this was an inbteresting idea. I'm with it to a point - and that point is simply that the VO is overkill. Once tone is established, it's fine. But after a page or so, it becomes clear that the scenes work far better without it. Hit me with visual punch, the VO's give them less impact.
Interesting. Not bad for one week of writing. Has a ton of potential but dragged just a bit for me in the middle. Not to say I didn't like it because I did. Had that Conan vibe like others mention but I was disapointed at how fast the shark scene lasted. Felt like the Kracken scene in the new Clash of the Titans. Here you have this giant beast ready for battle and before you know it it's over in a flash. The voice overs throughout didn't kill it for me but maybe having a second character with Johan would have worked better. All in all, I enjoyed it.
This one definitely had great vision. I enjoyed the descriptions of the cave. They slowed the read a bit, but I was immersed for the most part. The problems I had have been pretty well covered by those before me.
The “sorry a**” line really throws a stick of dynamite in all that immersion and the Voice Over did the same. I don’t remember any of that back story, nor do I think it was needed. This actually has a shot at being a ‘no-dialogue’ piece. Most of what’s really necessary would be self-explanatory as it played out in front of us (Man wants powerful amulet fights Other Man who wants powerful amulet), and the rest could be revealed through cave paintings as Johan tracked through the cave.
And I’m guessing by now you know that a full grown man exploding out of a fish’s a** is always funny
Not feeling this from page one... just not my type of story I think. The VO is actually grating... although I should point out that it is actually impossible to misspell an abbreviation. You haven't misspelled it, you've simply missed a full stop from the end. One could probably misspell an acronym... but never an abbreviation. Abbreviations are not words. Even if you got a letter wrong, one could never say it has been misspelled. It would be simply wrong.
Page 2 and I'm still not feeling this... I'm going to have a coffee break and come back to it.
He exhumes a sigh of relief? Exhumes is a poor choice I feel.
I'm at page 3 right now and this is tough going. Just not my type of story at all. So I'm not out because of your writing ability or anything like that... it's just this story is not something I can get into. Unlike rendevous, I couldn't watch the Hobbit or any of the Lord of the Rings. I'm more of a British drama type.
I did like Conan... the old ones... but nobody has had their head cut off yet, so I'm out. Sorry.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Ok, this has busted the ‘low budget’ thing by page 2 for sure.
The dialogue needs work, but with anything written in one week, it’s to be expected. I like VO in a story like this to build the world but it all needs reworking(and trimming way down) in my opinion.
This reads like a giant movie rather than a short to me. You have a vivid imagination and your writing is easy to read although I feel like even the action could be trimmed down.
Decent story. Too big maybe for this. Good on completing the one week challenge.
Another great entry that's hard to review. Strong writing on display IMO, although the "sorry ass" line had me wondering. I got a Heavy Metal vibe here, not sure if that was what the writer was going for, but I was a big fan of the fantasy and Urhmeir serving up some amazing visual kills in the spirit of an Indiana Jones flick.
I don't think the VOs really killed this, it's so much easier for a reader to get annoyed with them on the page as opposed to taking the story's journey in stride. But in fairness, the content of the dialogue might throw some of because it's a world not fully understood. Dialogue was good too BTW.
I personally enjoy the hell out of this, no doubt a vision is present.
A lot of work and imagination went into this. Unfortunately the VO contained so much backstory it felt like one of the many, really bad attempts at a Dungeons and Dragons movie they’ve churned out over the years.
The descriptions are good and well thought out, I would suggest working more on the story and character development though. As it was I didn’t care for the protagonist or really understand why he was there. To free someone of a curse, why? What personal connection/motivation does he have? Is he just a good Samaritan that goes around curse cleansing?
I wasn’t convinced about the antagonist either, Pirates are usually motivated by greed – this one seemed just insane and yet lead a gang of greedy pirates. Speaking of which pirates seems to materialise in this script conveniently to be disposed of, but TBH a lot of movies and TV shows are guilty of that so I’ll let you off!
A 300 foot shark!! How big is this chamber they are in? And he slashes his way out of his arse; lmao!
Well done on entering the OWC.
Mark
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I hope the writer is not discouraged by the negative comments. That's just part of the territory, you need a thick skin.
One reason I really hope the writer is not discourage is because I think a lot of talent is on display here. While there are glitches in the writing, and you've seen that some writers take their greatest pleasure in pointing out those glitches as though they are an affront to civilization, there's plenty of good writing in here too.
And there's a lot of world building and mythology and colorful imagery.
The problem is that this stuff is best left for graphic novels or fantasy books. It doesn't work well in screenplays. This story is a perfect example why. I read 6 pages before I dropped, and it was pretty much all world building. There was some action, but even that felt totally expository.
We weren't learning a single thing about the main character. So there was nothing really to compel us to keep reading.
I definitely think there is a ton of talent behind it. I think for this kind of story, with all this myth and world building, you're better off in the fantasy fiction format.
For screenplays, and I encourage you to continue that pursuit, you have the talent, try to focus on a simpler story that does not require so much setting up. Maybe consider the main character's internal and external need. Get us rooting for him to succeed and then throw sh!t in the way.
Instead of Jonah, we get Johan. Insted of giant whale, we get a shark. I was joking in my notes here. But you went ahead and did this. Mixing archaeology and the supernatural. Another voice over, there's been a few of these. I find narration works best when we really want to know what the character thinks or their backstory. Like gangster lifestyle and Goodfellas. Also big budget stuffhere.
All that said, what an exciting adventure full of intense acion. Right away its a voiceover as he scrambles over ashipwreck . Awesome character intro for an adventure. Immediately I was feeling Indy everywhere. Down to the critters, boobytraps, sword fighter, and the ark, er, amulet. By the way, all those dead guys in traps, are there any more to worry about?
Cool mythos with Caeus (Chaos). A man turned into a monster upon pursuing greed and gold. Good allegory of what greed does to a man. Becomes savage. An animak. A wolf. On Wall street. Heheh. Jokes. I had to... I also loved the imagery of the arch built of animal skulls, human included. Creepy, gothic, beauty. Horrific and enchanting.
I wish you stayed groundsd in reality. I feel the same with Indy. It works best as exploring why man needs myths and sacred objects. Why are we so compelled by fantastic tales.
Consider mentioning baddies earlier. Set it up more clearly. When he sees men in traps maybe comment on these are the men that he's chasing, the one who wrecked his ship. They kind of camd out of nowhere, for me.
Nice swordfight. Nice compass imagery. Some cool superhero stuff, like his body glows and later erupts with energy. Swallowed by giant shark is crazy stuff. How deep is this water? He cuts his way out... the ass? Maybe the gills would work better?
For me you jumped the shark with hovering amulet, this whale stuff really beats that, like jumping a whole row of sharks. The beach ending might be unnecessary if you consider destroying the shark and amulet with same superpowered energy blast. Or maybe end with amulet in museum. No one else lost lives searching for treasure. And shark left alone. I think this might match your intentions still. Just my thoughts.
I loved it so much before it got fantasy. I would have loved the whole archeologist fights pirates for artefact. And lone survivor of shark attack. I think you write action and adventure really well. The mythos was so strong too. I'd focus on fantasy ideas for fantasy scripts. Consider a separation between your two loves.
Regarding the voice over... who is story being told to? Limited space to reveal, it'd be nice to see he owns museum or a teacher. Or like a few other OWC, an old man reflecting. The voice over is the easiest way to get out a story. Because of this we've seen it a lot. By now, we need a really good excuse to accept and enjoy a narration. Although your narration had some good flavour. I wonder if the content is always justified for the images or story here.
Tons of action. Intense. Lots of fun. Nice mythos dwarfed by the supernatural.
Bold metaphysical ending tarnishes a brilliant and super fun set-up.
Okay - let's rename this the VOC (that's VO Challenge) instead of the OWC.
Kev just put up some great feedback on why VO's should be used infrequently.
Openings matter: here we've got becalmed waters, followed by ocean sprays - they don't sit well together here.
Right after, we've got Johan, handsome with a scar? Handsome, but a scar?
"Johan ambles across the bridge with caution." Please. Amble: NOUN, A walk at a slow, relaxed pace, especially for pleasure. Something you do on a Sunday with your dog.
He exhumes a sigh of relief. Exhumes? ex�hume verb 1. to dig (something buried, especially a dead body) out of the earth; isinter. 2. to revive or restore after neglect or a period of forgetting; bring to light: to exhume a literary reputation; to exhume old letters.
"Johan avoids a herd of scorpions." A group of cows is a herd; a group of scorpions is a cyclone. Try not getting them confused.
Simon, from what I read, this is definitely not a pisser. This is someone who put a lot of work into it and has a lot of talent. It's someone probably more used to the world of fiction or graphic novels. If he/she sticks it out, they will convert to solid screenwriting very quickly.
As far as V.O., I am actually an increasing fan of it! In fact, I specifically want my next feature to be heavy in V.O.
What I am saying is people have to give some thought before using. If its only purpose is for exposition on the world, make it brief.
There are 3 ways I can think of that make V.O. useful. The first two are when it is not used for exposition...either to bring us right into the story, or to bond us quickly to the main character.
The 3rd way is tricky. V.O. can be used to establish expository information in a way that actually REDUCES exposition. Let me make a stupid example.
Let's say our story is about a girl who's about to get married. The worry is that she will be a runaway bride because she has done this before. To set things up, we need to establish that she has run away before. That's exposition.
There are different ways to do this. It can be done through other characters dialogue. We can do flashbacks. Or we can start the story where she runs away the first time.
Or we can have a voice over that explains it at the beginning.
I'm not saying one way is better than another. But if we use VO, we can get to the present wedding much quicker. That allows us to focus on the current drama and events surrounding it.
For example, the story might begin with the nervous bride walking down the aisle. And we hear her thoughts: "I'm not gonna do it this time. This one's the one. I know I've run away twice before, but the first time I was a kid,the second time I was pregnant. This time I'm really going through with my marriage to Jeff...I think."
And so withing a minute of the film, we're drawn right into the story. Will she run?
That's not the best example, but hopefully makes a point.
In It's a Wonderful Life, there is the corniest VO of all time. Angels in the form of twinkling stars talk to each other about the situation with our main character on Earth. In their dialogue we learn that the boy Jimmy Stewart really, really wants to grow up and get the hell out of this little town and see the world. They also try to show it visually with the boy reading a travel magazine, but it's really the VO that establishes it. And then this technique is used periodically through the first half of the film. It's weird. It works. Watch It's a Wonderful Life and count the beats. Count the high and low roller coaster turns. They come flying past you one after another in the first half of the film. All this is possible because of the silly exposition of the twinkling star angels.
If they didn't use the VO, they would have to waste precious story time establishing it.
This is where the rule Show Don't Tell...can be DEAD WRONG.
We don't want to show things that are not central to the drama at hand. That type of "showing" is just as expository in nature as dialogue. If VO(or character dialogue) can help us avoid expository show scenes, then they are worth it.
A few words...then we get right to the meat of the story. Which is usually good.
I can't write for shit, but I've studied this things the last few years like a jobless guy should!
I'm not going to doubt you here, Kev, but your three ways: this scripts uses none of them - it builds backstory. The problem with VO is that is is disembodied from the character, and when used in the beginning, it is disembodied from a character you have no relation with.
Take 'Samebito' for instance - it starts with a whole bunch of visuals - the VO explains the visuals, and develops the story. I've no problem with its use in that way.
In this story, you have the guy climbing rocks and falling a bit through planks - with a VO explaining the backstory - the two do not relate in any way - I can understand that he wants to concertina things somewhat, but in your example of the bride, the VO relates directly, enhances our understanding, and relates to what she is doing.
All of your points are valid, and I do respect them.
I didn't read all of this and it may have more potential than I gave credit for - so I'll give it another read tomorrow & I'll feedback then.
27. The Tides of Caeus - A warrior attempts to stop a corrupt pirate from gaining a mystical amulet... and put to rest a fabled monster. Brief - A man goes on a fantasy adventure in a cave battling men and monsters.
Characters to Animate/Voice - 6 Johan, Pirate 3x, Urhmeir, Caeus Scenes to Build - 8 Cave w/ rope bridge, catacombs, grand ascent, halls of vigilant, pools of eternity, chambers of eternity, shores of Kartoka Accessory Visual - twice average Climb rock slope, fall, torch drop + into water, scorpions, pouring water, spike ball, crushed pirate, stone, water plop, fin rises, Accessory Audio - none Lightning, thunder, cave trickled water, ocean wave + spray, rope + plank creaks
Genre & Marketability - Adventure fantasy Script format - Good Comments - I haven’t even finished page one and I can see the details piling up. I wonder if I can do this if I cut out all the audio and make all this more like a dream fantasy rather than a literal scene. Alright, I’m out before even finishing page two. There’s just no economical way for me to animate all of this. It’s just too much for me. I mean, I could do this, but it’d look silly, like a shadow puppet show. Producer hat off, reader hat on: “Stalactites RATTLE above”? WTH kind of stalactites rattle? Dialog gets a little weak the last few pages. However… you know… fundamentally this isn’t half bad. Strip out all the audio, make it a shadow puppet-like side-scrolling video game, just move the characters along, voice of Johan throughout, and this could be doable. Final word - Consider. This would be a special project AFTER some serious rewriting of the dialog AND agreement on a production vision far from it’s origins.
10/15 Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute x 11.8 Screenplay Pages = 118/177 Total Build Hours Time Cost
Okay - gave this another read as I said I would. The Pirate falls onto a stalagmite, not a stalactite.
Anyways - I'm a little bit confused -- I mean having read it, it's not too bad, but I'm not getting some of the logic: "It is said that men who do not hold kindness in their hearts are men not worthy to claim the prize.", and this is one of the reasons that Johan goes to get the trinket. But also it says: "He set the rules. That the only man who could find the amulet was the one man that could destroy it." Which not only a little bit contradicts the previous bit, but is a bit... dim, isn't it?
I'm also a bit lost on: "Any who could prove themselves worthy would come here to this fabled place." - so is there a previous test, and some of the pirates must have passed it, but them the pirates are clearly : "... not the brainiest bunch this world boasts."
So it's got a bit of an 'epic' feel to it, and congrats on that, but it's not for me, sorry.
I'm not saying this is great, but I think this script is better than most people here are giving it credit for.
Yeah, I had a couple of issues with some descriptions like everybody else. But here's the thing with me - the logline showed this story would be a different take on the challenge but it's not something that would have normally interested me. However, I thought it was paced well early on and it hooked me in. I thought that was an accomplishment. My bar may not be set as high as everyone else's on this thing, but I ended up liking this more than most of the others I've read.
Hey, Simon, I was just trying to point out I am not against using V.O...not at all.
I didn't like the way it was used here, and I tried to explain why.
I do believe a VO can be used JUST to set up a story. Let me give two quick examples that came to mind.
First, the Book Thief. The narrator used is actually a really weird one...Satan. No idea why because it's not remotely a religious film. Satan is not a character within the film,so it doesn't give us a voice we will share the journey with. And the narration does not move the story...it sets it up. In other words, exposition. And it comes in once or twice during the film to add a little more exposition where needed.
Another example is not quite a voice over, but what amounts to the same...the recent Robin Hood film. They use cartoon images at the beginning to explain the world of the story and set it up.
So let me amend my list. Voiceover should be used:
1) if it helps directly move the story by explaining the motives of the characters 2) brings us into the mind of the character in a which makes us want to journey along with him; 3) sets up the story by using direct exposition which saves the need to "show" exposition in a way which would eat up screen time and delay our ability to get to the meat of the drama.
Does that work?
Ideally, if the writer has to use 3 he can mix in healthy doses of 1 and 2, especially 2. But sometimes that's just not possible.
For example, if the story is about a Marine fighting in Iraq, and the narration tells it from the future, we can't have the Marine himself tell it, or we will know he survives the war...thereby reducing the tension. That would apply to any of the guys fighting along his side, maybe, as well.
If the VO is mere myth and world building, as it is here, that is not advisable. You might get away with it for an epic feature.
Just realized I forgot to comment on this one. I read it, just forgot to add my review.
If I only had one word to describe this, it would be: EPIC.
But...I'm not sure that's a good thing for a 12 pager. It was extremely visual but IMO, the problem with VO's like this, where someone is giving us history and backstory, it's hard to connect to the characters. So while we're being told the story we're watching some cool action and visuals...but we're not connecting. That's not important to everyone but for me, I need to connect.
This was well written IMO, just missed the mark for me as far as caring about any of the characters.
Great effort for a week's worth of work though. Congrats.
I largely agree with Kevin a couple posts above. Good criteria to weigh against when considering the use of a narrator.
But sometimes it's best to break the rules. The narrator should live, it makes logical sense for us to assume this. Especially in dramas without supernatural elements. However...
All I have to say is MENACE II SOCIETY.
Oh and spoiler alert. Hehehe.
Why haven't more Scorsese fans seen this?
Sometimes breaking the rules can be a most powerful thing.
From this OWC this submission is the second-closest to being off-the-shelf ready to go into production for a contest worthy entry. It's technical demands to execute would take a fair bit of consideration, though. They'd involve production principles I understand but have yet to actually execute to anywhere near the extent this story demands.
I don't feel that "as is" this is a block-buster, stand out, OTT, mind blowing story; but it is fundamentally sound, clever, and robust in principle. There's a lot of good potential from this scenario.
As stated in my producer's notes above I can't do this economically as you would see some Michael Bay/Christopher Nolan type film. The described audio alone would take forever to accommodate an even more fantastically rich assorted visual elements demanding story - "as is".
However, if we largely cut the audio and instead re-deploy that effort into the visual aspects... then the math starts working in our favor.
If it's agreeable with you I envision a purely voiced-over story (think '300' intro) being told with the protag Johan slicing and dicing his way through a rather lengthy side-scrolling gauntlet of challenging environments overcoming foes of both men and beast. And don't get hung up on that "side-scrolling" identifier. I can go forward, backward, up, down, diagonal, and zoom in to and out from the screen/audience. Should be good. Prolly won't FIU.
It'd be a mini epic, but a fun one. The technique I use is rudimentary which lends itself to "genre's which don't take themselves much tooooo seriously", so... No, I don't envision a Disney-esque "Beast vs. Gaston" sort of epic drama short film.
But it's better than your screenplay sitting around doing nothing.
You wanna record the voice over?
If you're pretty sure you've got nothing better to do with this story I'd like to get in touch with you to discuss what my animation technical limitations are and how you could consider tailoring a variant of this story to accommodate those limitations for production into an animated short for festival submission, ideally for the 2015 circuit.
If you feel it's appropriate to hold onto this for a while, shop it around to more credentialed entities, then by all means gopherit!
Just know that this open offer is here, now and for down the road.
Lee, sorry I didn't finish. If you repost this after cleaning up the unclear parts, I'd be happy to read. I could tell a good writer was involved. The screen writing technique was what led to some confusion for me.
As I said in the "what's next" thread, this one was a hacked up thrown into a blender catastrophe with very unclear writing and an overabundance of world building voice overs that led to nothing.
I've already got the 30-pager primed and prepped for upload.
It's the first of 2 shorts that prequel Age of Shadows. Call it the set-up to a bigger mechanism. There is NO V.O work.
To everyone confused with the writing (herd of scorpions - kinda like a herd of walkers from TWD, lots of them, but cyclone works better). Exhumed means unearth? Oops. I thought it meant something else.
The true version is on its way and I apologize for anything made unclear by this OWC entry. As you will see, the 30-pager is a superior beast.
@RayW
A side-scrolling beat 'em up, eh? Sounds like fun. If you're still interested after the 30-page version is up, which suits your "gauntlet of obstacles/monsters" sentence much more than this one does, then I will hand it to you on a silver platter.
Thanks to all that read my script, even if you didn't finish it. If I haven't read yours, sleep well with the knowledge that I shall make time this weekend.
This was much better and quite different than your initial entry. But there is also some clunky passages and confusion here and there. Nice twist with the shark/morphing/painting but I guess that will payoff better later.
A great deal of creativity overall, with some nice action throughout, but it feels like the characters are passing through gates of obstacles, rather than having the stakes rise progressively. The morphing idea was great, yet it got weird when you referred to Aro as Werewolf. Maybe Werewolf Aro? I'm not sure if it's even wrong, or how to make a solid recommendation it just feels out of place. Did I mention this is trippy?
Dialogue was really good, even when it tapered off in the middle (OTN), but then again that might be part of it too. Either way, it contrasted with your general passages and that is a nice effect to have.
This was much better and quite different than your initial entry. But there is also some clunky passages and confusion here and there. Nice twist with the shark/morphing/painting but I guess that will payoff better later.
A great deal of creativity overall, with some nice action throughout, but it feels like the characters are passing through gates of obstacles, rather than having the stakes rise progressively. The morphing idea was great, yet it got weird when you referred to Aro as Werewolf. Maybe Werewolf Aro? I'm not sure if it's even wrong, or how to make a solid recommendation it just feels out of place. Did I mention this is trippy?
Dialogue was really good, even when it tapered off in the middle (OTN), but then again that might be part of it too. Either way, it contrasted with your general passages and that is a nice effect to have.
More chop comin' soon! Good work.
Johnny,
Bang on target with the "later pay off". His journey is not yet over. There is a lot coming for him in "Trials of Prometheus".
Werewolf Aro, hm, I could add "Aro" after Werewolf. Werewolf's just what I landed on. He's not really Aro, but the monster inside, same as the other character's other monster inside of him. Two different characters in truth, but I get what you mean here.
The OTN dialogue with Ornstein I gather? Yep. It was intentional. I wanted him to drive a wedge between Aro and Johan by manipulating Aro's mind with OTN revelations. I usually steer clear of it.
Definitely different too. Makes more sense in this form IMO.
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The Tides of Caeus - OWC
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