A very deliberate style of writing with a collage of images. This can work for impact, but treated to a whole short of this, it's jarring.

Eve only 'spots' her broken ankle when she makes it to the trees . . . must be the adrenaline.

I'm not sure I get this groundhog day approach - instead of reinforcing your story, it makes it less clear - you need ages for Adam and Eve as it's confusing what ages they are at different stages and how the child and adult versions are there simultaneously, or if they are etc.

For me, it was a bit cookie cutter , to fit the requirements.

Eoin

All right, first one...

This was soundly written as far as I can see, and I liked the violence. There are some neat visuals here, and overall it had a nice tone.

Some things I noticed...

Why is everyone described as "white"? I don't really see a purpose in this, and everyone is described that way.

Your slug says "TREE OF LIFE", but on film we wouldn't know which tree it is (especially since they were just at the other tree). On screen this could get confusing, so I recommend finding another way to tell us which tree it is.

My biggest issue is that Adam and Eve don't interact enough for us to actually care about them. The whole first half just cuts back and forth between them. They only say three or so lines before they run into Lucifer -- so once things finally do start happening, we don't really care.

Still, it's a good entry. Good job finishing it in a week.

Will

The short and fast writing style on this one threw me as well. Yes it keeps the action going, but I have a harder time visualizing it and finding the character’s place in it.

At the repeated slug I thought you were going ‘Groundhog Day’ with this, but you start immediately with Adam and Eve switching roles. I don’t know why we’ve gone back in time at all. And later we go a full day backwards, why?

Also it seems like this story was transposed to the Rocky Mountains from another setting (I don’t think there are anacondas in the Northwest Pacific).

Between Eve being decapitated on page 7 and shooting light at Lucifer at the top of page 8, I assume they were ‘reborn’ again. But why were they reborn in the moment instead being taken back in time again?

On page 9, “EVE: There is no world without Adam. Humanity will never be born.” Are you sure this 2013?

I do like some of the ideas floating around on the last pages. The choice between living alone in a perfect paradise or having companionship in an imperfect world is one worth exploring. But I don’t think this did the trick.

Congrats anyway for getting out a script for the challenge. It's never easy  

A second Adam & Eve story. The idea I had involved finding the location of the Garden of Eden; that’s spooky! But on with the show!

Did he really cough up a lung? Impressive!

I struggled to read this. Lots of. Short sentences. Pieced together. Made it hard. To read.  Sorry for the sarcasm, just trying to make a point!

So yes, maybe if I read this first I would have tried harder but I gave up after a few pages. Thanks for trying, you did better than me as I didn’t even get my idea on paper!

Not sure about Adam’s intro.  The ‘...not-yet a high school student...’ seems redundant to me -- kind of detracts from the ‘beaten and bloodied’ as I’m wondering why it’s important given the context...

Some awkward writing.  ‘Coughs up a lung’.  I get what you mean, but take care when using expressions such as these as they can trip up an unfamiliar reader.

The staccato style of writing was a big distraction -- if not a turn-off.  I used to favour that approach (still do in places) but what I realised is that how it read to me (the rhythm/pace of action I was imagining) wasn’t how it necessarily read to others.  To me this was all start-stop, start-stop... (hope that makes sense).  It can work well here and there -- but for an entire script it can be quite tiring.  In the end it’s a matter of preference -- this is just my take on it.

Wasn’t feeling the PNW location.  Just cause you say it is in the supers doesn’t really make it stand out as such through the writing.  

Sorry, but this wasn’t for me.  The writing was too stilted and lacked clarity.  The story I just couldn’t invest myself in.  To be fair I’m not a fan of takes on Adam and Eve, they always seem to miss for me.

Steve.

Groundhog Day meets Adam & Eve. Quite different indeed but I kinda dug it. Staccato writing doesn't bother me that much but I agree that sometimes it can slow down the read because it doesn't flow naturally. Visually it wasn't too bad. The dialogue was pretty good for the most part. Not sure the story hit on all of the parameters but regardless it was pretty good.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

There’s a lot of fun stuff in this. It move along well and takes some interesting twists.

However, for me it felt a bit meandering in the sense that story elements kept arising without much set up. As an example, when they are fighting to survive near the beginning we don’t have a sense of what their objective is. The result is that the cool action began to feel aimless after a while.

My notes as I read:

“not-yet a high school student” - I’m not sure what I’m meant to get from this.

“Spots her broken ankle.” - It doesn’t hurt?

“She panics. Runs.” - On her broken ankle?

“An ANACONDA wraps around a branch. Hisses. Eve turns
slowly. It strikes. Wraps around her. Opens its jaw.” - Your snappy style is fine and works for action. However, for me this paragraph feels like quite a few shots and some amount of time, so maybe it could be spread out a bit.

“Grabs his leg. Rips it off.” - Fun, but it feels a bit abrupt in a way that makes me wonder if it’s as serious a thing as it seems like it should be.

The repetition thing is cool. I’ll admit that the action is getting a bit dull since I’m not sure why it matters.

“a distant MAYAN TEMPLE” - Are there a lot of these in the Pacific Northwest? Now that I think about it, I wonder if alligators and anacondas are found there. Even swamps might be a bit surprising in the Rockies.

“A ball of light strikes the gator in the head.” - Is that a projectile weapon?

The first 6-8 pages are so repetitive and I’m sorry to say that I hated the clipped writing on display which gave this one a disjointed feel not to mention the constant changing of scenes. I was ready to give up on this one on page 3 when I saw the copy and paste job.

The second half does get better and there is actually a story here and a big decision for Eve but I was skipping pages by that point. It’s an ambitious one but didn’t do it for me.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve