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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Headhunter - OWC
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  Author    Headhunter - OWC  (currently 3721 views)
Don
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Headhunter by F - Short - An archaeologist struggles to save her daughter from a terrifying stalker in the Pacific Northwest. - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Ah yes, my first OWC read!  Exciting...

First of all, good job on meeting all the parameters of the challenge!

I like how your characters were foreign, as it played well with your story background.  I also liked their names.

You had some good brutal visuals and you proved that nudity and language don't need to be in an R rated script.

Not having a title page worried me right off the bat, as did your opening 2 passages, which weren't worded very well - but, after that, the writing was pretty good.

I wished Aliya had more personality and had more to do in the script, although she was definitely central in the finale.  Having the main character being a child opens up lots of possibilites, and I think you missed out on many of them.

Wasn't crazy about the Antag, but then again, your finale was pretty good and you took this places I didn't anticipate.

I wasn't quite sure exactly where the group was, what they were doing exactly, and why this structure was in the Pacific Northwest, but again, it was unique, and I always appreciate that.

Finally, I wish your writing was more visual, as I really didn't get much Pacific Northwest flavor, and that was something I hoped would be front and center.

Definitely not a bad effort for a tough challenge and 1 weeks time.  Overall, I like what you came up with and how you incorporated the parameters into your story.

Good work!
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Heretic
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

As I go:

I'm gonna call this one out since the writing is pretty tight generally -- "Who could do such a thing?" is a line that will probably never work.

Not sold on why they can't leave now. Did I miss it? There doesn't seem to be anything safer about their camp.

"Pell-mell"! Nice. Haven't seen that one for a while hahah.

Thoughts:

I like the premise, but the parts of it that seemed most interesting didn't really get answered, for me, and the middle kinda degenerates into fairly typical monster stuff. I thought at least that Alejandro would get something a bit more unique.

What I really wanted to know was why the robots needed the little girl. That seems really interesting. I'm assuming she gave them something that allowed them to finally get off the planet on which they'd been trapped for centuries. Which seems awesome -- but I don't know what it was. This is especially pertinent because the other big question of the script is, why now? Why leave now? Why didn't they take a little girl from the tribes that worshipped them ages ago? Etc.

The writing was reasonably strong and you obviously piqued my interest but I feel unfulfilled.
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Forgive
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Wow! Jeff's being nice! I love this challenge  

I liked the second half of this more than I did the first --

------------SPOILER-----------------

--- the robot ape was a corker, and I liked the way it integrated itself with Aliya. Lots of nice stuff there.

... the no's for me was the lack of a clear protag ... I wasn't too sure who's story it was, but I think that can be worked out.

Some iffy writing here and there, but I thinks there's lots of potential here should the writer want to explore things further. My first read on the OWC -- great offering - well done.
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LC
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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My first of these OWC entries as well!

And, this one's quite solid imh.

Meets the criteria re genre, theme, the majority (all actually) being set outside etc.

The Rrating is met due to the violence and you did a nice job with the images of gore here.

The monster/ape has a nice 'transformer' feel too and I also like the foreign element to the characters - adds colour/tone.

If I had to say anything was lacking it was that you didn't meet the 'locale' being front and centre prerequisite. Disappointing on that front. This was just like 'somewhere in the PacificNorthwest' and these guys could have been anywhere really.

And, tiny bit of an anticlimax for me as well, I'm not sure the story's really going to stick with me, but decent writing overall and a quick read too.

Good job.



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nawazm11
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Very poor opening passage, you gotta send the right message to the reader. That just doesn't read well at all.

Luckily the writing fixes itself up the further you read. Good use of locale, you met the parameters nicely, at least nicer than my entry.

But I'm not sure if I like the shift on tone at page 6. The second half isn't to my liking, it's just so unexpected and almost undeserved that it makes you question everything before it. Why was everybody else slaughtered to death again? Because the Machine didn't want them discovering the secret? Why?

My biggest problem is just how 'childish' I suppose this all comes out. The ending feels as if it's geared towards the younger age group, almost like a cartoon but then you have heads being chopped off and faces being sliced clean, and I'm not sure if it all fits. The ending is cute, but average and nice people being brutally murdered is not. I'd suggest putting subtle clues about what direction you're taking the story in, the gore seems to be used only for the R rating.

My grade: C
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the robot ape was a cool touch.  Your description of it taking over Ayila was claustrophobic and sort of disturbing, great job.  The description of when Ayila encountered the green strobes was excellent.

It was hard for me to try and not picture this in Central or South America and coming out and saying the Pacific Northwest seemed a bit generic.  Kate's moment of anger at the close kind of made me question if there is more story to tell.  None of your characters really stole the show, except for the robot ape of course.  

Overall, this is a solid entry.  Good job!

Johnny
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stevie
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, a mixed bag here for me.

I really like the authentic touches, to give it that nice feel of the campsite, with the Spanish names and the phrases used.

Good buildup to whatever is killing them, with some cool decapitation and face slicing. The robot thing jarred a bit, and I agree with Mo that it is a bit cartoony amongst the gore.

The location should've been more specific, using a real place would be good. Overall it was good.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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Headhunter

Like the title and like the archeologist angle, lets see how this plays

What's a spitfire red head? Is that like a hot headed person.
No description of Alyia. P3 we find out its her daughter
Trying To work out why they thing a large fire will help ?

Ok, finished.

The sci fi thing is not really my thing but i respect the different angle and what you can extract. The strange force in the woods, what's out there? What's lurking?

The loss of daughter and the waiting was touching.

I suppose the weak links for me was the start and the subsequent debate, kind of lost me a tad, although I appreciate the desire to add background.

The girl becoming part of them is commonly used, it was fine but it requires a leap of faith that they choose her for no known reason. Did I miss one? They like bouncy balls maybe

i feel this could make a tense, Forrest drama/sci fi but wonder whether you could reduce the effects and leave it more with tension, suspense (cheaper to film) with just the green lights within the cave.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DV44
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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I think a better description of where the story was taking place would have been good. Saying it's in the North Pacific rainforest was pretty vague.

For the story its self. I like it a lot. The visuals were tight. The dialogue flowed nicely. I dug the iron suit closing around Aliya. Felt like she was becoming a young Iron man. lol.

Good stuff overall! Congrats on finishing the OWC!

- Dirk
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Last Fountain
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Decent gorefest. Intense. Unique characters.

This short was so fun. I love straight to point monster movies that deliver on the carnage. The kill scenes were appropriatly gory. Most of all I was impressed with the pacing. The most intense short I've read so far. For the genre, I'd say you totally delivered. Fast, gory, mayhem.

The characters were colourful, mostly due to the cultural references. I also found the whole archaeology thing refreshing.  I would say the whole Mayans in Canada thing is pretty unbelievable. It felt more like some sort of INDIANA JONES jungle setting than the Pacific NorthWest..

The downside? Robots. I was so into the script so far I don't know if I needed such a fantastic discovery. A living creature is crazy enough for me. While I can appreciate the body meld joining, I think it's too much. Maybe a robot companion, lil girl piggybacking on top, or holding hands is more to my liking. You know, like controlling it from the outside instead. Just my 2 cents on that. Maybe I'm so hard on the reveal because I enjoyed the set-up so much.

Good chase elements. Great visuals. Proper gore. Good use of culture.


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stevemiles
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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A fast read -- story did it’s job, though the dialogue felt a little forced in places.  Setting felt less Pacific Northwest, and more jungles of South America, though kudos on evoking that through the writing.  

The sliced off face staring up from the floor in surprise was a nice touch.  Gruesome yet kind of comical.

I liked the idea of the ape-robot and thought it was decently worked in, shame it couldn't have done more.  Though its intentions were never disclosed so I’m not sure what the threat or benefit to mankind was.  Why was the ape-robot killing them?  What did it want with Aliyah and after all this time why now?  

The reaction to Hernandez being murdered felt a bit off.  I’d think they’d be a whole lot more freaked out rather than setting about making spears.  The talk of angry natives and zealots as possible culprits seemed an odd conclusion given the location and again I was thinking more remote jungle than north America.

A decent shot at the challenge, but one of those set-ups that needs more room to breathe and ultimately leaves more questions than answers.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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DanBall
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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My biggest problem with this was the lack of familiarity with the Pacific Northwest. You basically labeled it the PNW, but made it into a jungle, complete with temples and Hispanics. Granted, there's a large population of migrant workers around Yakima and Eastern WA and Oregon, but that's farmland, not forest. There certainly aren't any temples. The Indigenous people of that area didn't do temples. Like I said in another thread, the best Indigenous dwellings you'll find in 2013 are casinos. There's a few replica longhouses, but most things were made from wood, earth, and grass--nothing that lasts as long as stone.

Other than that, this seemed to be two stories lumped together. The first 3/4 was PREDATOR and the last quarter was a cross between ET and *BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. What was in those segments was pretty interesting, though. It's just too bad it wasn't more coherent. Also, you might've had too many characters. Hernandez didn't really need a name. It might've been easier to just call him "Guide #2" or something. All the names got confusing, because they'd pop out of nowhere and I'd have to backtrack a little to find the intro. Not to mention they don't do much of anything except get in the killer's way.

Grade: C+


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

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EWall433
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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You start off well. Between showing what the expedition is all about and Aliya’s discovery you’ve got me intrigued. I’m also in the atmosphere, and feeling a sense of urgency as they’re leaving to take Aliya to the hospital.

I love your first kill. Unique with a nice touch.

I got an unintentional laugh out of Alejandro suggesting the culprit might be “a native”. Of Washington state? Canada? I think it’s creepier for them to have no idea at all. Also, I’d rethink their rationale for staying now that people are dying. I think most people would just leave that much quicker.

The killings may be a little standard, but I’m enjoying them. They’re taking me through this at a good pace. But then came…

MonkeyBot

I know that’s not what you called it, but that’s what kept coming up in my head. It kind of killed the read at first, but I went back and set your description aside and…

I actually enjoyed the ending. It’s an unexpected twist into sci-fi territory. I wish I knew more about what exactly is possessing Aliya, or why Kate is seething with anger at the end, but I do like that this ended in a place I never expected it to. If that robot’s description were more menacing and less apish, I’d be sold.

Overall, very good read and entertaining through-out. Congrats!
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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Decent story here. I wasn't really into the scifi robot thing, but you did hit some emotions and kudos for those: when the mother sees her child being enveloped in the robot and then when the mother chooses not to throw the spear. Not sure I liked the ending but it was entertaining and easy to read.

Good job with the owc.
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