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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Word - OWC
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Don
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Word by E - Short - An unusual duo manage to get across the border...but they might not get away from this beautiful California beach.  - pdf, format


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe I'm too tired but I struggled to follow that. I was intrigued but confused and I'm not sure what I just read!


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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit confused with this story. I do not understand the sneaking across the border....nor do I get why Simone killed those at the beginning....then on page 10 ...we get this monster thing. This was not very easy to understand. I think maybe too many ideas went into this short...making it a confusing read.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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I too struggled here.  Alot of the problem is the writing itself, as it's very novelistic, and although it is visual at times, mostly, it seems purposely ambivalent.

I think you met most of the challenge, but you had a gun, which was a no no.  The pacific Northwest was definitely the setting, but it didn't seem to rally be front and center...for me, at least.  As for the miraculous discovery, I don't think so.

I like the child and his innocence.  I didn't have a clue who Simone was, but she was cool.  As for Myrnos and the creature, completely clueless.

Early on, you failed to intro characters properly, and the children in the back seat of the car just disappeared somehow.

You nailed the R rating very well, and I appreciated the graphic violence for sure.

I applaud you for such an ambitious take on the challenge, but this didn't work for me overall, as nothing really made any sense, and it was very difficult to follow.

Good job, though...I can tell you were definitely thinking and you have quite an imagination.
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Heretic
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

As I go:

Gun!

If they're heading down into the States, isn't Aaron Canadian? Or is he going home? (Wondering re: Aaron is "African-American")

Did Aaron understand that she was going to kill him? He seems super set on helping her right away.

There's so much exposition with Myrmos, I think it could stand to be shorter and more to the point.

Haha! Both of the Biblical ones seem to involve a lot of violence against children.

Tentacles roar?

Thoughts:

The climax here is unclear, I think, because the stakes aren't properly set up. How does the "word" thing work? Why does he have to say a certain word? Why are the monsters bound by some sort of set of rules? The end is obviously "huge" because it involves the entire earth but it's unclear why whatever happened here has an earth-something-ing effect.

The relationship between Simone and Aaron needs to be a little more clear, I think, especially since the climax hinges on him wanting to help someone who was going to kill him -- again, I'm not sure if he knows that she was going to kill him.

I'm not sure if the Mom at the start works. Jumping between two cars is a disorienting way to start the flick, especially since the mom and her carload just disappear afterwards. This definitely would benefit from a very clear setup, since it quickly gets unclear, I think both intentionally and unintentionally. So a cleaner start would have been nice, before things get weird.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Am I the only one that thinks Myrmos is a total badass!?!

It seems this duo has got themselves in one of the most random predicaments I have ever read.  Simone is an edgy character, but I'm a bit unsure to why she was fleeing the government.  The start of was a lot of shuffling in hindsight.  I wouldn't have minded the gun so much if the trigger wasn't pulled.

I didn't start turning pages until Myrmos showed up.  I don't know why I think it's cool, I could just see myself watching the whole ending, entertained as hell.  Not to mention the huge beam of random light at the end, what was going on there?

Johnny
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stevie
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah like a few people, I lost all grasp of this when we got to the sea cave.

Before that though, it was pretty well written. The border crossing , the forest scenes.

No lack of imagination with the creature ending but I think it somehow got away from the writer.

But no prob at all with the style and formatting, etc

Good effort



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nawazm11
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Page 3: Sorry to say but nothing on this page makes any sense. I can see the style you're aiming for but it's not working for me. Some clarity would do this script good.

Continuing on, isn't she inside the car? How can she put on a blouse? Are there suddenly now two Simones?

Aaron? Where did he come from?

Page 6: "EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE CALIFORNIA COAST - DAWN" Strangely specific but very broad at the same time. I'm interested to see who wrote this...

Page 8: Wait, he ran deeper inside the cave?

Finished.

You have a vision, but it's not executed nicely here. I tried hard to understand everything, rereading pages but it was still a mess unfortunately. I was confused throughout.

Grade: D-
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LC
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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I think there's a lot to like with this!

Having said that, I'm still a little leery of descriptions like:

'She's gorgeous in her tranquility',

and, re this one:

'Down the beach a ways, a dark cave yawns from the rock, an ugly wound in the cliff’s side'.

Imo, you've doubled up with that latter description and you should leave it at one or the other - something that maybe you didn't see in the edit perhaps? Also, the bit with the knife sounds ambiguous - as if she'd swallowed it

Some might say quite a bit of this is overwritten, but I don't mind that if the story comes across clearly - unfortunately it's way too convoluted for me and by the time we get to Myrmos and The Philosophers etc. you've lost me, sorry.

I feel like this is a story you've constructed in your head and you understand it perfectly you've just got to get it to the point where your audience understands it too.

Your beginning is solid, I really like it, but it just doesn't really resemble the second half which goes off on a big tangent.

So, summing up: Gore and Rrating - yep, plenty of gore and a boob flash.
PacficNorthwest Locale: - not sure it was front and centre - seemed intermittent.
Theme: Probably, but I'm not sure I understood it.
Outside location - yep, all good.

I enjoyed this, it's just not quite all there...yet.

Libby


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Hello naughty boy - or is the boy thing a decoy?


Flashes recognition - what's that mean and why?  Arh, boob shot

I may have to come back to this, I had a disrupted read and to be honest found it hard to follow. I couldn't really follow it to well.

What was the relationship with Patricia and why the border and then the fiery death - yeah need a re read.


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irish eyes
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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I was really enjoying this up until Myrmos showed up, then I lost it.

It flowed very easily up until that point, maybe you were trying too hard.

Your descriptions were excellent and the dialogue was also good.

Well done for finishing the owc

Mark


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Last Fountain
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Intriguing intro. Good main character. Drowns in reveal.

The border crossing stuff was intense. Compelling. I was perfectly lost, wondering why and what. I could have spent the whole time with the group... of humans. It reminded me of FROM DUSK TIL DAWN. A serious intro, crime filled, dark. Then turns to bmovie monster fun.

This got me through dusk but not til dawn. Merman does nothing for me. One of those monsters I never really latched onto, I guess. Some good violence. Some bad assery. Just not my full cup. If you go for merman why not go under water. Like kid makes car go off road, into water. Rescued by merman and shown its world below. An idea. I really loved the intro stuff. You definitely had me glued.

Thrilling. Intense. And then what the fuck?!


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stevemiles
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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Gonna have to echo previous comments and say I enjoyed everything up until the monster in the cave showed up.  There was a real degree of mystery and menace in those scenes leading up to the cave (woods especially) but the arrival of the ‘thing’ felt too disconnected from the set-up, and we never got an understanding of Simone’s motives and what exactly they were running from and why.  Simone was an interesting, quirky character, again it's a shame we never got to understand her more.

The transition from the speck on the cheek to the car on the highway was a nice touch, though it did take a second look to catch it.  Wish I could have taken more away from this -- interested to get more insight out of this one.

Steve.


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DanBall
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of scenes that were written clearly for the most part, but when strung together in this order make no sense whatsoever.

Was Aaron some sort of Christ-like figure? Why was his blood so important? Who else was he saving than Simone? And why did he like her? 8 seems a bit young for him to "like" her.


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EWall433
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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I was really drawn into what you’d set up in the beginning. Simone’s on the run from the government and Aaron’s “fake” parents. I wanted to know the back story of these two and was beyond disappointed to find none.

So the tentacle was cool and unexpected, and Myrmos was a neat creation, but this is where I lost the plot. Myrmos is a sea monster, made by Philosophers. He calls Aaron ‘father’ for some reason and he’s brought Aaron blood (how thoughtful ).

I don’t know what any of that means. I kinda like the idea that Aaron would doom humanity to save someone who was trying to kill him, but that idea gets lost in the jumble.

I will give you this… The visuals and action of that last scene are pretty compelling. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Congrats on getting a script in for the challenge though.
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