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Pretty easy read until the description of the END OF ROAD. Describing a "large plain" with "cliffs" and a "canyon" seems contradictory. I had to read the paragraph a couple times to understand what the area looked like.
There was a too much exposition with the old man's speech.
The old man should have been more ominous in the beginning. He should have threatened them to stay away from Ape Canyon. As it is, he just kind of asks them not to go there and suggests they go somewhere else.
I would have liked it more if the old man was blind and the family stole something from him. Give us a reason to dislike the mom and dad.
I wish it would have been more difficult for them to find the nest. I hoped for something like Pet Sematary, a barrier that was not meant to be crossed.
If only I spoke Hopi, I would have seen this coming a lot sooner. Bird with big beak.
I thought 1 billion volts seemed a little excessive but I learned that it's actually correct. Thank you.
I think we're all in agreement that the title needs work. I understand that it's a real place but it sounds cartoonish.
The characters were developed well for the most part.
Decent story but it wasn't too original and the pacing could have been better.
Great opening scene. Not the best writing (too many beats, too wordy, dialogue sounds written), but the scene is set, good characterization, a good introduction to the story with a clear goal, and exposition is handled well. Whatever stage you're at in screenwriting, your instincts are solid and you know how to tell a story.
Great use of misdirection. The Thunderbird legend starts off strong but the monologue is too much, it could be done better. Excellent visuals and descriptions at the river, except for Caroline getting her foot stuck in the water. That was painfully vague when everything else was so detail rich and you missed an opportunity for some old fashioned foreshadowing. What if she got her foot stuck in something creepy, like a bear's arm bones? Or a human rib cage? Even if it's just a tree root, give us that detail because I was taken out of the story wondering what it could be.
Sure, it was awfully convenient for Robbie to find the egg as soon as he gets there, but it kept the pace going so I didn't care too much. You could probably rework that a bit to make it more believable without the page restriction. Awesome visuals and descriptions when the Thunderbird arrives, that set piece makes up for all the shortcomings. But without a great ending it wouldn't mean much. Thankfully the ending is great, a befitting extension of the Thunderbird legend that feels right.
I almost missed the connection about the eyes. You should highlight that detail about Kwatoko, put it on its own line or make a point of Robbie noticing, maybe even commenting. Make that detail stick in our minds so we get that reveal at the climax. Cataracts are awfully common though, you might want to use something more remarkable like you did with Robbie's scar.
Excellent job for a week's writing. There are entries with better writing but this one has the best story I've read so far and that's what really counts. Thanks for sharing!
I almost missed the connection about the eyes. You should highlight that detail about Kwatoko, put it on its own line or make a point of Robbie noticing, maybe even commenting. Make that detail stick in our minds so we get that reveal at the climax. Cataracts are awfully common though, you might want to use something more remarkable like you did with Robbie's scar.
Yep, totally agree. In fact, I did not get that connection until I read someone else's feedback.
This needs to be made much clearer for it to work that way you want it to.
It’s good that you set the characters up quickly and you immediately tell us why they are here. The set-up of the Thunderbird legend might be a bit heavy handed, but it makes sense to get us ready for what’s to come. The big action scene felt hurried, but worked well, and the ending twist is amusing stuff.
The first 2/3rds of this felt like the beginning of a longer story, because it’s largely set-up. It’s good set-up, but after that I’d be expecting a much longer sequence of them in the woods. For me this would be a story you could think about developing a feature version from.
I'm commenting on this one first because I chose it as my favorite title.
I loved the thought and preparation behind this one. You must have had a great brainstorming session when you came up with the idea.
It very much put me in a 'Creepshow' frame of mind, and I love getting lost in stories like that. I'm very much a realist in my writing and what I read, but I do love letting my imagination stretch from time to time if the story's right.
I may have to re-read this one again, (I read it yesterday), but the cataracts in the eyes of the old man and the hawk clearly stuck out in my mind.
I wouldn't say to go as far as to have any of your characters comment on the cataracts, (afterall, you have already been accused of on-the-nose dialogue as it is, and I do agree in some instances). If anything, I'd maybe make the boy focus, and maybe even intrigued, by the milk in his eye in the beginning. That way, when he sees it in the hawk, it'll connect us right back to that old man scene. Eventhough I made the connection right away, since others had a little trouble with it, I'd say that's the route to go.
Interesting piece - set-up almost seemed more feature like in the way it took its time, but like most have said it paid off well.
The family ignored Kwatoko's instruction, so that was their come-uppance. I can see people wanting the family to be more deserving of their fate, but in a way, it gives it more edge the way it is - I certainly expected Robbie to get away.
Caroline's foot? - well that's the start of the dramatic tension, and giving it a reason might just bloat things - I think it works as it is.
I got the connection with Kwatoko's eyes okay - I think visually that would come across fine, so I'd not worry about that too much.
The contrast between the set-up and the pay off works well, and pretty much all of what the old man says, Robbie's eye etc is revisited, so it's well referenced, and well laid out.
Got nothing against the ending either - it clears up what exactly happened to the family, so stuff is tied up.
Gripes-wise ... a bit difficult to say as there's a number of different ways this could have been done, but it's been given a good spin here ... but Kwatoko's dialogue on page five felt a bit chunky, maybe, so a visual on what he was pointing out might work?
A great cheesy title and the old “deathly road trip” trope – looks like I’m in for some fun.
There isn’t much to write home about here. It started light-hearted but its obvious where it was going and as soon as Kwatoko mentioned the eagle (Thunderbird) I’m guessing everybody knew the direction this one is heading…
Don’t get me wrong though, the ending is a nice little twist even if it did fly over my head – how did the boy end up as a baby eagle? There are a couple of nice kills and the writing and dialogue was pretty strong so well done. I enjoyed this but found it rather predictable and lacking any real tension to be honest.
Thanks pale yellow! And thanks to everyone who took the time to read and review this. It’s very appreciated and I’m happy to see this went over well with quite a few of you .
So the first thing that popped into my head with this challenge was a Bigfoot story, but it seemed too straight forward so I did some research on Pacific Northwest myths and legends. Eventually I settled on the Thunderbird legend, but decided to keep the Bigfoot angle as misdirection. One reviewer noted that Kwatoko’s monologue seemed ‘copy and paste’. This isn’t surprising considering I was trying to fit all the relevant info from my research into as small a space as possible. I’ll have to give that part another pass.
I wanted to use real locations and chose Mount St. Helens after seeing that some of the legends had the bird living inside the mountain. It was only after investigating it with Google Maps that I noticed Ape Canyon and read of its place in Bigfoot lore. At the time it seemed so serendipitous to find a place that tied those two different elements together, that I chose it without looking back. I agree that the title is hokey. I chose it largely because I thought it aided in misdirection. As of right now I’m on the fence about it.
So to clarify some things: In my mind Kwatoko and the Giant Eagle are the same being (although as I wrote I was unsure of how obvious I wanted that to be). MarkRenshaw actually nailed a lot of this in his posts. Kwatoko’s initial advice is meant to keep the Turners away from his nest. Some thought he should’ve come on stronger, but I wanted to keep it so that he didn’t need to. James just sort of says ok and Robbie doesn’t hear or overrule the plan until after they leave. In my mind this was how Kwatoko/Eagle could be genuinely caught off guard by the Turner’s appearance, despite being aware of their interest in the area.
As far as the history of these birds, I figured they used to be fairly common and spread out, now they are nearly extinct. Besides Kwatoko and his egg there are probably only a small handful of others. So in my mind Kwatoko is acting in self-defense, not just of the egg, but of his entire species. No matter how powerful they are, they’re still vulnerable (especially when in human form and especially to disease). As for exactly what Robbie is at the end: I’d say a normal baby eagle. In my mind the egg would contain a future Thunderbird, whereas Robbie’s transformation is a sort of Thunderbird magic trick.
There’s also been the question of whether the Turners deserved (or should deserve) the fate they got. The earliest image that came to me for this story was of James’ death (and a giant Native American legend tearing through a US merchandising bastardization of itself). Once I had that, I figured I should make the Turners’ culpability in their situation mirror the average American’s (vis a vis the manifest destiny/near genocide on the Native Americans). To that effect I decided to make them likeable, but oblivious. Aside from being slightly insensitive, they don’t do anything wrong, but there is a general unawareness of the reality of their situation. In my mind Kwatoko had a lot more to lose than the Turners as it’s not just his ‘child’ being threatened. Once the Turners blunder onto his home, it’s his species that is at stake as well. So, for me, the question, “did the Turners deserve their fate?” should be closely followed by another question. Did the Turners deserve to be spared their fate? For me the answer to both questions is ‘No’.
Some things on the page undercut that.
First, I would’ve like to put Kwatoko’s nest in a more hidden out of the way place. I’m afraid its placement next to the road led some to believe that Kwatoko’s intention was always to kill these people (and that he’s killed many other people). My bad. Also a small trek through the forest would’ve allowed for some more “ominous gags” and possibly made the violent ending less jarring. Finally I’ll have to take another look at exactly how everything is set up and rework it for clarity.
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The Beast of Ape Canyon - OWC - Writer's Choice
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