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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Light - OWC
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  Author    The Light - OWC  (currently 3426 views)
bert
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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The writing here is sparse and minimalist -- challenging to read, but not impossible.  I had no trouble following this story, but failed to grasp the significance of the light.  Be it aliens or the afterlife or some other explanation, the story lacks punch without some sort of reveal.  Or at least a clue.

The author might argue that it is left up to interpretation, but I do not buy it in this instance.  I do not think the author knows, either.

Nellie is kind of a throwaway character here.  I think the intimacy of this story might be improved if she were jettisoned -- or if you keep her, she should be more involved in Miles' nocturnal adventures.  It would only make sense that Nellie would choose to follow Miles one night, and that could add another layer to this story.

Not a bad effort, really, but it needs a bit more, or it is quickly forgotten amongst these entries.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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EWall433
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll admit up front that I kind of like the idea of using the Light as an absolute MacGuffin; of offering zero explanation of it and just examining the emotional toll it takes on the characters. On that level this was intriguing.

I don’t think the character of Nellie is needed at all. Her character could be cut without effect.

Page 3 “Abby sets a bottle of wine on the table – fingers and thumbs, she breaks it open, tips some in a glass, some on the table”  This reads awkward. To me, it sort of sounds like she shattered the bottle head.

I don’t understand why they can’t take Miles away, and I especially don’t understand why they can’t keep him from getting lost in the woods every single night.

And it just struck me that we’re seeing random flashbacks every now and then. But they don’t reveal anything we don’t already know (and they aren’t labeled), so what’s the point.

This story seems to have a stubborn refusal to reveal anything about itself. I was hoping a character piece would take shape, but even when they are yelling at each other and in the middle of big moments, the script refuses to provide information that would allow me to make sense of it.

I’d be real interested in a rewrite that examines the relationship between father, son and the light (and why they’re so drawn to it). I’d also like a better feel for Abby and Robert’s relationship so that the end can have the poignancy it aims for. I think something really nice could come out of this. It’ll just take some digging.

Congratulations on getting a script in!
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pwhitcroft
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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I like the mystery established early on and it’s good that we’re seeing the impact of it on the family. I also really liked the pay-off for it and the simple conclusion.

I got a bit puzzled by the cuts to the SUV, since I wasn’t clear where they were going or where they were coming from. Also, near the end it felt like they repeated themselves a bit, and thinking about it I guess I could say the same of some of the earlier scenes between the parents. I’d guess you could get a few pages out of this and it would work just the same.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't a fan of this one - the story lacked cohesion and was rather confusing for the first six pages. There seems to be flashbacks that have no relevance to the overall story, or at least didn't add much in terms of development.

Also, the writing and dialogue wasn't the best which just added to a muddled read I'm afraid to say.

The opening slugs weren't great - forest and cabin. I thought I was in for some cheap teen horror which may have been preferable really. The opening page only gave me a sense that was a lot of wood around: pinewoods, log cabin, oak furnished, logs in the fire, solid wood table.

What was with all the wine? Abby just comes across as clumsy, spilling it all over the place, while Nellie is underused and could be left out.

And after making it through to the end, it felt bland and unsatisfying.

I think this story needs to establish the family before they travel to the cabin or least on their to the cabin. You need the reader to care about them, right now it's impossible because we're not given enough to go on. Abby comes off as a drunk? Nellie - no idea? Robert - an uncaring father? and Miles - he likes the light? Show the family before Miles finds the light and how this event then changes them as a whole.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Forgive
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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reveal the writer came up quick! Thanks for the read everyone - I was planned on getting everyone else's read, but ... got usurped.

@Heretic - incisive comments there, they'll stay with me - the innocence bit, his father's afraid, so innocence was the only criteria.

@Reef & Bert - point about punch taken

@stevie - thanks - Abby had little choice, they weren't going to chain the boy up

@EWall433 - Well if anyone got it, you were up there. I like MacGuffin's too. They can take Miles away anytime they want, but it's about group compliance and that breaking down - the emotional toil, as you say. The stubbornness - is Miles, and part of the emotional toil is ignorance - if he refuses to say, then what are you left with?

I know this didn't work for every(any)one, but thanks for the reads
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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 26th, 2013, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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He’s fast balding, and harassed. --This description seemed awkward to me. Maybe reword?

You already have established that Miles is in the woods and the adults are in the cabin...but then there is this slug which seemed out of place. Or was it a flash or something?
EXT. FOREST ROAD - DAY
An SUV sweeps along the road - Miles’ head sticking out of
the passenger window - the wind billowing his hair.

Pg 4     MILES  To late to stop now.  -- Should be ‘Too’

Up until this point, Abbey has not been acting like a normal mother would if her child was out in the woods all alone. Especially with night setting in, she would be freaking out. They just talk about it at the table. Abbey’s not worried about him. Nellie isn’t worried much either.

Now at this point, I am a bit intrigued as to what the light is...something supernatural? It’s a mystery, which is good. So I read on...

Pg 4  Robert place his hand over the glass.  -- Should be ‘places’

Abby even tells Robert he isn’t acting like a father...yet she isn’t acting like a mother. And she goes on about the danger of him bringing them ‘there’ but we have no clue why it’s a danger or why they are there yet. Nor do we have a clue what the light is or what it means or represents.

Pg 6  a back-back  -- maybe a back pack?

Then Abby goes on about trust again and why he brought them there. This is what’s confusing to me. I know you have something coming and you probably do not want to ‘spill the beans’ yet but the reader needs more. At least, I, as a reader, need more clarity.

So I”m on page 9 and I’m still confused. There is a good thing about ‘mystery’ but when mystery becomes confusion it’s a problem for the reader. I love the mystery of the light, but as Robert follows Miles through the woods and tells him this light thing has been seen by him and his Grand Daddy...I want to know more.

Pg 10  In the b.g. -- what is a b.g.?

And at the end, I’m wondering why Miles went into the light. And once there, did he disappear? Go to another dimension? Is it alien? Supernatural? Is it death? I’m confused as to what the light was and why it was seen and experienced by Miles’ family.



Characters:
Protag I assume was Miles? But he doesn’t have any sort of goal. He doesn’t have anything pressing him or causing conflict. He isn’t up against anything really. I didn’t care enough for him to go on a journey with him.

Nellie, I assume was Miles’ sister, she was just sort of there. She made a comment at the table about was he gonna die out there, but she served no purpose really.

The parents...this was my biggest problem. Neither Abby nor Robert acted like normal parents would. There is a maternal instinct...and if a child is missing and he’s out in the woods, a mother would be very very concerned. The way Abby talks to her husband and about Miles does not give us this impression. Robert never tries to explain anything to his wife. She’s just left hanging. Also, at one point Robert tries to practically put the kid in the car, but he doesn’t get him in, then it’s as if Robert is pushing Miles to follow the light.

I honestly think this could be a really kewl story. I think it just needs some more time. I know the parameters were a bit hard. They were for me anyway. I’m not a very good reader as far as comprehension goes, so if I am reading a story that confuses me, I lose interest very fast. This could have been a ‘just me’ thing, because I really am not a very good reader.

It’s got potential. They all do. Now it’s time for our rewrites Sorry I didn’t give you more detailed notes during the owc. I was trying to read them all best I could. I am a newbie and feel like my notes rarely make any difference, so I try to keep my notes minimal.

As far as the parameters:
Setting Pacific Northwest - check
Rated R - didn’t meet
July 2013 - check
Child - check
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