This was pretty ambitious IMO. There's a lot of structure taken from a feature here, so pulling it off in a short's pretty cool.

I liked the slow build up too, and I think it worked in the setting, giving time to take in the views and surroundings.

Some good foreshadowing in there.

The end did feel a little bolted-on, but in part I think that was due to the way the protag-situation was introduced -- p.3 refers to the it - but what I was unsure of was Cindy's line "I'm his support worker ..." - maybe better would have been a bit of an argument or discussion with Phil, so you get that Baz Lurmanesq 'just pointing out the problems' element to it.

The voice-over worked fine for me; you had to get this wrapped up, and it was better than no wrapping, and given the constraints you were working within, I don't really think that we could expect anything else.

I think this would film well, and except for the bear bit, would be pretty inexpensive too. You gave this a scope that wouldn't often be found in a short.

A good piece of work - impressive.

Not much I can say about this one that hasn’t already been said  

Good writing/ Dialogue that flows – check

Great characterization and development – check

One of my favorite so far – check, check

With more time and space it’d be nice to see them get deeper into the compound. With a little more of peek behind the curtain you can nullify that Announcer pretty easily. Minor quibbles aside…

Solid work and great use of your one week time frame!

You know as I’m reading some of these I get into the characters and just want to enjoy a nice adventure with them but realise something horrendous is going to happen to fit the R-Rating and then I squirm a bit!

This was the case here, liked the characters, likes the setting and the build-up, I enjoyed the kid’s developing powers. I did cringe a bit at the animal’s suffering but maybe that is the point. I was pleased the ‘something horrendous’ thing didn’t end up with them all being killed as is the norm for horrors.

The last section felt a bit rushed but very understandable considering the script length restrictions and timeframes.

A solid entry, really liked it.

Special

Title - it's ok but maybe a bit vague. I think you have some other options available.

I agree with Simon, this feels like a condensed feature which throws up the inevitable tricky finish and squeezing everything in.

It was nice to see character development and a reason for the special skill, coupled with consequent changes in the two lead characters as the story unfolds, but I think you could drop the opening sucide consideration and just leave him as  a lost drunk. The extra element didn't seem to add, but maybe with more pages this could be useful to see him find his mojo once more.

The bear has potential, and the way it is introduced and then bursts back in the final scene, is connected, and shows a reflection of the boys connection with the animals and how in this case it wishes to protect the boy, but it needs more space to get the best out of this. We need to believe and understand it perhaps more than now. In a feature you drip this into the script several times, here you don't have the space.

A typical OWC script, some good ideas, but needs some work to make the best of it.

I like the clear conflict and distinction between the characters. The mystery around the waterfall and the action with the bear/Ranch are good stuff. It’s good that you’ve included an animal rights angle, which gives your script a message.

The opening is a bit cliché, guy wakes up in shitty apartment and contemplates suicide. The last few pages may be a rushed version of what happens.

This was very well done in almost every way, minus the end. I feel like you ran out of time or pages or both... but it's still one of my favorites so far.

IMO, this could and should be expanded into something bigger. The 12 page limit really hindered this... by the time things really started to pick up, it was almost over.

And believe me, when things started to pick up, things really started to pick up. Damn. Some might say you went a little too far here (you know what I'm talking about), but I thought it was good.

Spend more time at the secret base, give us more context. What the hell was even going on there, anyway?

And come up with a better way to beat the bad guys without resorting to deus ex machina. Give the characters an actual conclusion, too, so we know how they changed, if they even did at all.

Props for pulling this off in a week.

Will

Enjoyed this one a lot.  Writing’s easy on the eye and made for a quick read.  Story felt a little crammed towards the end, but that’s understandable given the limits and I actually thought the radio announcement at the end was used to good effect.  Though I didn’t get the bit about the electrical monitor -- think I might have missed something there.

Duke and Joel made for likeable characters and there was a certain charm in the way you drew these two together in such a short space.  I will echo others in saying Duke’s bit at the start with the pills may be too much -- to explore in a short at least.

If you decide on a re-write I’d consider getting rid of Cindy (even if just for the wilderness scenes) perhaps by making the kid a relative of Dukes or something along those lines.  Having just the two of them out there may clear a little more space to flesh out the ending.

Nice work. Simple and effective.

Steve.

I was a bit confused by the Recovery Centres, are there two different centres or are they connected, or is one of the slugs wrong?  Also the Blue Waterfall slug is INT but it seems like an EXT, but then you mini slug inside to Phil's office?  It's all rather confusing.

More mini slug switching from an EXT location to an INT and then back to an EXT one which doesn't sit well.  Also you move from a location, the car park, and don't include a new slug.

I'm not sure why Duke is so uncomfortable?  You say he's not use to the company, so why does he work at the recovery centre?

I wouldn't say an hours walking is almost there lol.

'He reaches the river alert', not sure what is meant be this?  Also Duke just stands there, isn't he their to protect them?

When Joel blurts out that he now knows what the noise in his head is, I thought, good twist.

I like Duke but he's not very professional, especially for an ex soldier.  He's now drinking beer while on the job.

Why would Duke have wire cutters?

When Duke is looking through the binoculars, how does he look round the corner to see the security guards?  I'm thinking the guards come into view from round a corner but this doesn't read like that to me.

I know this is meant to be an R rated story but the head stamp just seems 'out of the blue' violent.  This got me thinking about Duke too.  He starts off showing love for his dog but then Phil says he likes hunting and then he shows he cares about the animal cruelty.  I know hunting is different but it's a bit contradicting for his character.

Why does Duke panic when he can't see Joel, he told him to head for the cabin didn't he?

If the guards got the cabin before Joel and Duke why do they assume Cindy is part of the trespassers group?  She could have nothing to do with them?

One last thing, if Duke and the others know about the Isis Ranch then I assume it's no secret.  Why then do the guards walk about in full view and don't hide their actions?  If they are trying to pass themselves off as a religious group, surely the guards would be a give away that they aren't?

I seem to have bashed this one more than most which is strange as I actually enjoyed this one the most so far.  There are way too many slug issues and a few holes which I covered above but story wise I think this is one of the best.  Without the time and page constraints I think this could be improved into something very good.

A very fast read. I like the misplaced Duke. The incident with the dog is a nice setup, but maybe that coupled with the 'no guns, no hunting' is a little too heavy handed.

Small technical quibble, not a fan of the minislugs on page 4 and 5 need to establish the interior of the Pickup and separate woodland carpark.

This really was looking like it could be, as the title suggested, special, but the line of dialouge for the big reveal:

JOEL
Got it! The voices, they're not
voices. It's pain...animal pain. I
hear pain.

wasn't a good fit and a little bit of an anti climax.

I liked the overall idea here. I think what lets it down is the way Joel uses the bear and the announcement that the cult were going to use animals to spread a virus - maybe if it was just an announce about a chemical virus, we can infer that the animals were test subjects.

Overall, a very good OWC effort.

Hey Folks,

Thanks for the reads and comments. I was truly delighted to here that it hit the mark for some. You just never know with OWC's.

A few comments;

1] I fully accept this is a big story to squeeze into 12 pages - alas it was the idea i had and thats what i had to work with. A few tweaks could have been made but it was always going be tight and a tad rushed at the end.

2] mini slugs - yeah, guilty as charged. Too focused on other things. Hopefully readers wern't lost, just puzzled at their use.

3] Joel - i hoped this would be considered a little more radical that it was, although i admit it is not 40 foot eagles or sabre tooth cats.  I accept the Dolittle and animal whisper angles have been played before, but the connection with pain and his family experience were twists i liked, especially tying into the Religious cult. Same but different and all that.

4] Ending - i needed a bit more clarity on the bear but the aim was to show Joel had connected with it, that was feeling a motherly attachment and hence rides to the rescue after his expression of deep pain. Needed a few more pages to make that fully understandable, me thinks.


I was also pleased readers observed and liked the character changes expressed within the script. Normally this is over a longer period of time but to a degree i feel the episode works. The use of the head phones to reflect character change seemed effective.

Glad we had one of those before the summer.

All the best.