Camp Hell

Title font - I chuckled at that as I could picture Jeff getting wond up
Jared - is it probably just me bu to seem to read a handful of scripts using this name - seems popular
Jared in the car - bit surprised he checks out the hissing noise with a body at the wheel, but it could work
P5 you telling me he hasn't called the cops? Really?
How did the animal get out?

Ok, the animal, unknown, is unleashed and goes on to kill everyone...the end.

I'm not a horror fan but I feel it needed a twist, a resolution.  Ether people get what they deserve or a solution is found.

A few weak spots in this but the idea of a beast attacking a camp fits the bill.

The monsters in this are cool stuff and you’ve done a nice job of the tension around their attacks.

For me the story felt a bit one dimensional and didn’t really resolve, but I guess that’s not uncommon for this genre.

I had sympathy for Jared when you had him being picked on. I found it a bit difficult to stay on his side as he released an obviously dangerous animal on those other lads.

Some good writing here, especially the first few pages. Great setup, and though there's repetition with Jared being bullied it escalates each time. I'm rooting for him which is the point, so good job.

The problem for me is there's no point in rooting for him. He doesn't save the day, he doesn't face any real consequences, and we're left guessing if he lives to regret what he's done or, more likely, if he's doomed to suffer the same fate as everyone else. We're nicely set up for a payoff that never materializes.

Jared runs off before anything terrible even happens. It seems like he knew Dylan was going to get killed. Better if he starts to run but still sees Dylan's death and is horrified that his prank went so terribly wrong. That keeps the sympathy going at least, and then when he tells Mark about what happened we know he actually saw it. Right now he runs off and then all the killing happens but Jared's way ahead of the action, so how does he know?

The description of the animal is too vague and familiar. All I know is it's small enough to fit in a cage, probably no bigger than a cat but I'm not even sure of that. Considering how dangerous this thing is, nothing about the van or the cage is believable. Unless these creatures have a ridiculously easy weakness to exploit, the world's about to be transformed into these things and it's being couriered in a cage in the back of an unmarked van? I don't think so.

Decent writing, some great characterization, great job on capturing the right 80s campy horror vibe, but weak on plot and premise.

Good on getting an entry in.

I'm 50/50 on this one. I did have a bit of an issue the visual logic here -- Jared keeps on running past people, almost comedically, and then they get killed, half like the creatures are following him, but then they miss him in the boat.

Lack of resolution has been noted, but the way it's set up (the end), is simply a repetition of what has happened before, creatures kill people 1,2,3, & 4. Even evoking another cliché of having killed the creatures may have given it some level of denouement.

On the good side, I did like some of the action sequences, even thought some of them might get described better. Jared's 'mates' where pretty nasty - wanting to see the dead guy. I think it might have been worth keeping focus on a smaller group and working round that.

Writing was often sparse, which I think is a good think, but occasionally descriptions could have been better. Good effort overall.