Unhooked by P - Short - A boy with a troubled family discovers something that could not only help them but the world.  Question is, will the government allow it? - pdf, format

Really really liked this one. Great characters. Good message. Great job whoever wrote this.

Hey, that's our boating toast! Awesome! I like this now. ...but I already did, because the writing is fantastic.

"Chubtard" bumped me.

We don't do nothin' to Bruins fans in Vancouver! Doin' somethin' ain't Canadian...

Thoughts:

I hate to say it, because this one I think has the tightest writing, the best-drawn characters, and the best sense of a complete world of any of the ones I've read so far...but I don't think this one works for me.

It hits all the right notes -- it touches on the culture around addiction in small towns and portrays it well, it suggests the potency of familial norms and the way alcoholism is so easily passed down...but then it solves all these things with no effort from anyone. The big moment, I guess, is when the kid yells at Jason and throws the flask away? But the canteen isn't a choice, it's an accident, and the kid doesn't pass any sort of test to get there -- in fact, his going there is motivated by Jason's drunken asshattery.

So here's the crux of what I don't like: when a script examines an important and pertinent issue like this, I don't think miracle cures should be involved, unless they're obtained through personal effort that suggests something about the real-life steps that need be taken. So the kid chastising Jason is a good start, but I think it has to be linked directly to the water. We need to see that the miracle corresponds with, and is brought about by, real, possible human action. Otherwise, in my opinion, it's empty feel-good mythology that's at best naive.

I'll offer an example -- Evil Dead (2013) is about drug addiction, right, and we see very clearly what's needed to help an addict: first, Mia needs the help, support, and love of friends and family, but in the final stages, she needs to be willing to sacrifice a part of herself (her hand) and able to defeat a part of herself (her demon). And so the story involves chainsaws and raining blood and a demon from the underworld and whatever, but it examines drug addiction, and the triumph over it involves the real steps that real people need to take (to a certain extent, of course. Drug addicts don't all need to lose their hands or anything).

Then you've got Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (hahah), which is about the dangers of nuclear weapons. But in that flick, an invincible alien just solves the problem by hurling them into the sun. This is irresponsible not only because it celebrates, and asks us to celebrate, an impossible miracle solution to a real problem, but also because it results in us having to watch a greased and tanned Mark Pillow pound a Christopher Reeve dummy into the moon.

I come down on this hard because the writing is fantastic. I did enjoy reading it very much. When it gets to the point where I'm complaining about how a story fits into our cultural mythology, something good is going on

This piece is the clear standout so far from the rest.  The writer is from Boston, or lived there most likely.  You captured the culture of sailors with ease, right down to nautical terms.  The characters really shined here and in a enviroment that meets the criteria and breathes.  The seeds of the theme is a bit on the nose from Matty, but it doesn't disappoint when it is revealed by the results of the characters transformation.  Fantastic work, this will most likely end up my favorite.

Johnny

McMASTER BAIT  

CHUMBUCKET.... somebody watches spongebob

This is fav so far, a great read.

Excellent characters and dialogue... read very easily

Well done

and good job finishing the OWC

Mark

I must've missed something here. The first couple of scenes with the salty characters, nicknames and slang, I thought it was a pisstake that had slipped through, lol!

I see from the other comments it was an allegory of some sorts about alcoholism. I'm not really into deep and meangfuls, epesh on an OwC script.

But some nice visual writing

From the logline:

Quoted from Don   Question is, will the government allow it?

I think there is a bigger question that begs to be asked and one that I feel derserves to be explored: If this gift is offered to humanity, will they choose to accept it? Thoughts?

Good characters.  Good dialogue.  Great message. And then?

I enjoyed the blue collar characters. Nasty bits of dialogue here and there, but for a reason. The message is the selling point here. The boy is instantly relatable, and I cared for him throughout. It was refreshing to see internal struggle. Addiction is an important enemy,  and a lot more unexpecting. Most of these shorts seem to have otherworldly antagonists.  

And then? It would be nice to have the ending revolve around what made the cure. Where does the water come from? What is the source. I assume they are off to cure the world. I guess that just ties it up too neatly.

A worthwile journey with expressive characters, but the ending doesn't carry the weight.

Page 7 - That outburst, errr, did I miss something? This is bordering on the edge of melodrama.

"Tormented, he puts his head in his hands and rocks back and forth." Made me cringe, borders on melodrama once again.

"I really don’t know. Me and Matty
went to Pine Island, I got drunk,
he yelled at me, made me feel like
shit, I drank some water he found
and woke up a different man." Not a fan of this line.

My mind isn't really working right now, so apologies if I missed something but I wasn't a fan. I don't think the characters were developed, aside from the melodramatic breakdowns, nothing happened. Focus was on the water which kind of felt convenient regarding the opening of the story. I hated the fact that the kid just stumbles upon it, and then suddenly, we all live happily ever after.

I don't buy that the government would bother with some strange rumour in some rural(?) town, but again, maybe I missed something. The very last scene was lost on me, a boulder and the sounds of dripping? He took the magic water onto the boat? This didn't work for me, and I kind of find the comments surprising, but then again, it may just be me.

Grade: D+/C-

I think the thing with this entry is the writing is superior.  

The story however, doesn't do much for me. It's okay, but imagining this on film I  doubt I'd be rivetted.

You met all the criteria, I think, and it was effortless to read and colourful images/locale/characters etc. so well done!

Libby

OK, listen, I feel bad about a number of scripts I didn't finish, so from here on out, I'm going to read each and every remaining script and I'll throw out as much help as I can, whether the writer seems to know his/her stuff or not.  May seem nitpicky at times, but it's all meant to help.

Opening with the Slug "ROAD" or the like is a big pet peeve of mine, as it's so cliche and so nonvisual.  Here, this sure doesn't seem like the setting is "ROAD".  Also, using an exact place, city, town, state, etc in a Slug is fine (sometimes), but without a SUPER or someone mentioning the exact locale in dialogue, it is an unfilmable.

Opening passage at 3 lines is overwritten, IMO, and isn't a great start.

I think the issues here are an overabundance of characters, overwriting at times, some poor comma abuse/missuse, poor (or not great Slugs), and an underdeveloped ending.

But, the positives easily outweigh the negatives here, IMO.  Your characters are well done, and you prove you're capable of something that few seem to be - you can (and have) write an engrossing and "simple" script using real, believable characters.

You've met the parameters here quite well and nothing seems shoehorned in like most.  Your writing comes off like you know what you're writing about, and that's so appreciated.

The ending for me was a slight letdown, as I can't really picture how anyone could pick up the mysterious water source, and I didn't appreciate bringing in the government.

If I were you, I'd cut down on the various settings, and also cut out a few unnecessary characters. With that newfound space, I'd up the actual discovery and make it a bit more "grandiose".

Excellent effort here.  Your story, although simple, is exactly what most scripts miss out on - the human equation, be it sad, depressing, or just plain old real.  I think this could be quite excellent with a little more time and a quick polish to some easily fixable mistakes.

Unhooked – This makes me think it will be about killing Captain Hook, let’s see if I’m right!

Nope – I was completely wrong – DOH!

I liked this salty tale and I liked the characters. Some of the dialogue made me lol for real.

I also like that it didn’t go for the horror element to fulfil the R Rating. It does the opposite, it gives a lot of hope.

I think this is the only one I’ve read which complies fully with the ‘Something that has the potential to  change mankind’ requirement although as I’ve said in other threads this is very much open to interpretation.

A solid entry and an enjoyable tale!

Great job on this whoever wrote it. A good character driven story which I like but it fails to be anywhere near horror or action. More of a hope story as MarkRenshaw pointed out in the review above me. Regardless it was very good, one of my favorites so far.

Nicely written. Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

Unhooked

Silly thing - for first slug is reversed to how I would do it, ie the order - wonder which is more effective
Crowded parking lots - where did that come from?
Chumbucket - great name
Wasn't sure what the last scene was telling me - they took the boulders?

Ok, the boy discovers the well of life, so to speak and the village and those around him heal, drop their habits and consequently trade drops off in the bars and shop.

Not sure what the government agents angle was doing - one to embellish

Simple idea, quite well executed. I think I would delay the rescue of the mother until the end for greater impact. The crescendo seemed to be a little early.

Tidy work.

The writing’s sound and though the story does require a few leaps of faith I switched off reality for this one and appreciated the overall feel-good vibe.  

The shift to Pine Island seemed a little abrupt.  Perhaps a little more as to why they go there.  Take their minds off things, get perspective, bonding etc. -- make it a little more organic.  I got a good sense of Jason’s troubled character and the responsibility he feels for Matty.

The government intervention seemed rushed in and given everything else that needs to play out I wonder if it’s worth dropping.  Given the log-line it was kind of a misdirection as the story at the heart of this (to me anyway) was about healing -- both individual and the larger community.  

Pity Lily couldn’t have played a stronger role -- again the government intervention took away from the more emotive angle and she disappeared into the background.

Taken for what it is the story does the job in the short amount of time. Nicely done.