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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Terror in the Woods - OWC
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  Author    Terror in the Woods - OWC  (currently 2942 views)
Don
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Terror in the Woods by O - Short - Two boys discover something that will force them to fight for their lives. - pdf, format


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LC
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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This is just a bit too 'join the dots - junior boy's own' for me, sorry. No real twists or turns and then extra terrestrials/aliens (or demons?) in the clearing as your denouement. I just think you could have been a little more creative and sense this may be a last minute entry??

You do sludge and blood quite well - able to picture some of the action easily and you made an effort to create some images of the Pacific North West, so the horror is there and the adventure, but the plot is just a little predictable and no surprises.



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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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I almost quit reading this near the beginning, but it got better as I went along. Easy to read. Good writing. The story was 'ok' for me. I didn't like the alien thing at the end.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like the title at all.  I do like the initial description of the forest.  I do not like the description of the two 12 years olds and having one of them smoking a joint?  A little young for that?  I'd say so.

These two kids sure don't seem like 12 year olds - not even close.  The language and the see the one kid has had seems more like a 17 year old or even older.  I don't buy these 2 at all and their banter is getting very old and isn't going anywhere.

Page 4 - Normally, I'd be long gone by now, but I want to see what if anything is going to happen.  Both kids act nothing like 12 year olds.  In fact, I can barely stand them both, which is not a good thing.

OK, the end.  Sorry, but this one's definitely not for me.  You met the challenge, but as others said, this is as cookie cutter as it gets.  Your characters are complete assholes and not remotely believable.  Your writing at times is OK and others, pretty bad.  Lots of repetition going on.  Your 12 page script could easily be written without losing anything in 8 pages.

Thanks for entering.
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Heretic
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I do not like the description of the two 12 years olds and having one of them smoking a joint?  A little young for that?  I'd say so.


For what it's worth, where I grew up marijuana started around age 9 or 10 (though not for me, luckily). Dunno where this is set.

As I go:

"Such a cliche" bumps me. Little too adult.

These little fucks listen to Zeppelin? I dunno...maaaaaaaaybe...haha. All right, I'll buy it.

The kids get tiresome quick. This needed a hook earlier.

"We'll worry about that when you get..." Again, a bump. Way too rational and way too adult.

Thoughts:

Excessively familiar, probably. Douchebags encounter monsters, are killed. No twists and turns, gimmicks or hooks. This is a little too straightforward to work, especially when the two characters are so obnoxious. Must admit I started skimming eventually, looking for that unique spark.

Will disagree, though, that these guys don't seem like 12 year olds. Except for a couple lines, which I mention above, these guys talk and act exactly like rural 12 year-olds. Definitely third base, and lotsa pot, and endless homophobia, in the grade 7 I knew.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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This story really wasn't my flavor, maybe for others.  The writing was well done, I just couldn't get behind it.  I did like the comment about not sending the picture to himself because he wants to see it again.

Johnny
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nawazm11
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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Another monster script that focuses on the blood and gore instead of a story. Some really poor characters, some of the worst I've ever seen sorry to say. Not surprisingly, I wanted them to get killed. The ending had no effect since we know nothing about why the alien is there. The whole script is just cliche and undeniably bland of story.

I started skimming towards the end, but I should've skimmed earlier. Probably when the alien attacked really... I don't think I wouldn't lost anything. Apologies if I was harsh.

Grade: D
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Nomad
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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First paragraph is just a little too novelistic.

Why is one of them wearing a chef's hat?

A deer wouldn't turn its head from side to side.  It would lift it up, look in the direction of the sound and freeze.

I'm on page 5 and all I know is that there are two kids walking through the woods.

Dialogue isn't natural.  They're running from an unknown creature and they have time to say, "Come on Ronnie!  We gotta keep moving!"?  They're out of breath.  They should speak in short bursts.  
     SPENCER
Ronnie!  Get up!

     RONNIE
I can't.

     SPENCER
You have to.  Fuckin' run!

Pg. 8  "A piece of flesh ins missing" Ins?

Pg. 9  "The creature grabs a hold of Spencer with its claws and tares through his bare skin" Tares?

This was way too long for a simple alien fight.  The dialogue started out sounding realistic but then it took a turn for the worse.

The foul language was just thrown in to give it an "R" rating.

I wasn't too impressed with this one.  There wasn't anything original, it wasn't believable and it went on for much longer than it needed to.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
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mmmarnie
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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This starts off really slow with nothing but banter between the boys until page 6.  In a 12 pager you need some type of conflict or something to happen earlier or people will lose interest.

I have a 12 year old son and these two came across as older.  Maybe 14 to 16.  I didn't have an issue with them smoking weed at 12, since that's when I started, but the facial piercing was a bit much.  

Some good tension during the mauling and chase scenes but then that's all there was...mauling and running away.  Maybe have the boys try and defeat the thing.  We want to see them do more than run away and hit it with a stick, ya know?  So if Spencer is the main character, make him work hard.  If Ronnie can't go on any longer he has to protect him.  He sets up a trap and the thing falls in or whatever.  Then when they think it's safe, Spencer struggles to carry his buddy only to find out that they're totally screwed (I do like that ending).  If we like Spencer, we're rooting for him to get out and we feel bad when they don't.  I didn't like either of these guys and was sort of glad they were gonna be killed.





boop
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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Picked this one because it had the fewest reads at this time.

A little too descriptive right off the bat for my taste. "A deer walks over to some shrubs and begins to snack"? Ditto the descriptions for the two boys.

After page 2, I think I know who wrote this.  

I'm on page 4 and there's not much going on yet except for some chatter between the two boys. IMHO, you need to zip the story along a little quicker in the beginning. This would be okay for a feature, but in a short, it's too long before anything happens.

Page 7.  Your action descriptions could be rewritten to reflect the situation better. They are running in a panic, but I as the reader to not feel the panic at all since you wrote "they continue to run". Look up running in a thesaurus for a better action verb. That goes for the rest of the story too. Use the best words possible to get us to feel the situation better.

Two pages of "we gotta go, now" type stuff…

Finished. Okay, can't say I was a huge fan. The reason being, the boys were unpleasant. I couldn't care less what happened to them. We didn't get to know them at all. I don't mean that they have to clean up their language or the stuff they were talking about, but only showing that side of them and nothing else, gave me no reason to like them. IMO, you have to show us something that make us care for them otherwise, we're rooting for the aliens.

Your action paragraphs needs tightening up with better word use and less descriptions that add nothing to the story.

Get to the story faster. You have 4 pages or so in the beginning where nothing but squabbling goes on. You can easily use that space to get us to know the characters better.

The story itself was only so so, IMHO. Seemed pretty cliche' and I know you can come up with better, because I'm 98% sure who you are.

Good for a one weeker though.

Cheers!  


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DV44
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the story for what it was. Two kids find an alien that leads to a spacecraft at the end but I would have loved to see more. I feel the banter between Ronnie and Spencer could have been condensed to one or two pages max. Get to the meat of the story a bit faster. Maybe expand on the spacecraft a little more than just saying a bunch of aliens start to filter out. Maybe after Ronnie and Spencer kill the original alien another one pops up. Also, the kids come off a bit unlikeable. Need to change either Spencer or Ronnie character to a more well respected teenager to root for.

Good job! Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk
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stevemiles
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Dialogue felt strained for 12 year olds and more so their actions as the story progressed.  Have to say, with the exception of the location (felt like it could have been anywhere) this one seemed to meet the criteria the most albeit in a rather no-thrills way.

Not much to say, pretty straight-forward stuff that kept me fairly engaged.  Could have done with a little something extra to stand out but overall it lived up to its title.  

Steve.  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Terror in the woods - scary title


Arh, young boys humor - ginger and spank tank!
P3/4 - yeah agreed, a tad cliched
It's another strange creature in the woods, out for the blue
Arh, the tripped runner as they sprint away... And black goo. Not the first script with this I recall
P10 by the time spencer got to his feet I thought he was already a goner

Actually I liked the ending - bit abrupt, don't recall any foreshadowing and they did waffle a bit in getting there but I was pleased to see a reason and then being left with a sense of impending doom

On reflection water don't the bot banter at the grinning give it some reason they are there and some idea of what may come.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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EWall433
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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The story is very sparse in this entry. I don’t disagree with keeping it simple for the short page length, but this was a little too simple.

The first five pages didn’t do anything for me. It’s just two characters BSing. They don’t have a goal, they aren’t on their way to anything and their unpleasant as well.

I liked your description of the Creature. Maybe it’s just the way it appeared in my head, but it was definitely creepy.

I also liked the fight sequence. It may seem long for others, but I got caught up in the knock-down, drag-out nature of it all.

The dialogue in the final scene is felt too on the nose. The twist with the spaceship is a reasonable one, but the whole thing just seems too simple. I’d like to see this play out with characters who actually have something to gain or lose (or learn).

Congrats on completing a OWC!
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alffy
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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There are few things in this that I just didn't buy into.  

These boys just don't seem to be 12...maybe 16 but not 12.  I also think you over did the crude banter at the start, which then gave you too little time to incorporate a story.  This is basically a mini slasher with a final scene to suggest more mayhem.

I enjoyed the fight with the creature but the final scene but the first half was not the best in my opinion.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Gary in Houston
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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It's difficult to like this one because there's no one you have a rooting interest for (except for maybe the alien--I was hoping he would kill off the kids pretty quickly).  These kids were a couple of little shits and you could care less what happened to them.  Too much dialogue at the beginning that had nothing to do with the story and was basically page filler until you got to the discovery of the alien.

As others mentioned, these kids as written seem WAY older than 12, especially when they're already sexually active and smokin' doobies and talk like drunken sailors.  They also seem to have the ability to fight off angry aliens with a stick and a rock.  These are some kick-ass kids.

Not enough development around the discovery or the aftermath of the discovery.  You could have cut out the first couple of pages of dialogue and focused more on that, IMO.  It's a quick read but not one that excited me.  Thanks for entering, though.

Grade: C

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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dogglebe
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm curious how you tie a tournequit on a shoulder...

I think this story went on way too long for what it was.  You had five pages of character development, six pages of the two kids being attacked, and one page with the payoff.  And it wasn't that great of a payoff.  While it may have met the requirements for the OWC, it wasn't that interesting a piece.

I think what's missing, here, is some sort of growth between Ronnie and Spencer.  I understand that this script takes place in an hour's timespan, you need to include something different once your creature appears.


Phil
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pwhitcroft
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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This works well in its genre. It delivers on the monster attack thing pretty well and I liked the ending twist.

I’m not sure I was a big fan of the banter between these two and I guess I would have liked it if there was a bit more to the story than there currently is.


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RegularJohn
Posted: July 20th, 2013, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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A bit too much description on your characters to start.  After reading both descriptions, all I'm seeing are two sloppy kids.  For a short, that's all you need IMO.

Four pages in and all we have are two burnouts screwing around in the woods.  I can see you working to achieve the R-rating but your effort shouldn't be front and center.  Things need to be happening instead of them having a conversation.

The dialogue on page 7 didn't feel natural for me.  The way I see it, they're running for their lives so there's very little time or breath to be talking.  "My shoulder hurts bad.  I'm gettin' kinda dizzy too."  Can't buy it.

Not much of a story here.  I don't know why they were that deep in the forest to begin with; maybe a leisurely stroll...in the misty, dark forest?  This felt imbalanced with little action, lots of talk to start and the battle with the monster towards the end.  It just felt fluffed up with needless dialogue and the monster mash was a bit too much.  Great descriptions but a little long for my taste.  This felt like the opener to a feature actually.

That's what I got.   Wish you the best.

Johnny


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DanBall
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Very straight-forward here. Smooth, clear writing. Overall, it felt very safe. Few risks taken. Some jerk kids wandering through woods are attacked by an alien, kill the alien in a counter-attack, and later discover hundreds are invading the area.

I sort of care about the kids, but not really. They have good, realistic personalities (albeit a year or two beyond their years), but they're not really developed. We aren't given any reason to care for them and nothing's really gained/lost throughout. What's fascinating to me is that, while this is technically-perfect and has a logical flow, it's got no soul. No pizzazz or chutzpah. On the one hand, it's disappointing, but on the other...it's something to marvel at. I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm just making observations. It's educational and it shows how important character development is and how much is lost without it. I'm tempted to believe that was intentional.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
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Guest
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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The most entertaining aspect of this short are the exchanges between Ronnie and Spencer.

Reminds me of how foolish I was when I was 12-years-old, joking with my friends about "pussies" and calling each other "fags."

But another part of me still laughs at immature shit like that.
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Leegion
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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A little too descriptive at times.  Your "deer" paragraph could be shortened to "a deer nuzzles in the shrubbery".

My review:

I may have to agree with a few users.  The profanity seemed tacked on.  I've never really heard a 12-year-old use the "C" word... other than Chloe Moretz in Kick-Ass.

Nor have I really heard a 12-year-old performing an act of oral sex on a girl...

Can 12-year-olds "masterbate"?  I'm not sure their short and curlies function that way just yet.

-----

For an Alien invasion, it's not half bad.  However, some of the swearing, sexual slurs and drugs could be cut back a bit.  I mean, they're 12, things don't work the way teenager's things work, so the sex stuff does not matter.

It did seem like it took 7 pages to get to the story of the short.  For the first 7 it was full of lucid sexual slurs, jumpscare fakeouts and some off-putting dialogue shared between two kids, but the end did make up for it.

The Alien battle could be shortened quite a bit.  Leave that to the director, just detail small snippets of the action and try to condense the writing a little, as it felt too descriptive, on approach with a novel (which I have experience with).

Still, if you cut back on the swearing, the R rating could still be there.  These creatures are pretty terrifying for a reader with a vivid, visual imagination, and what I saw was a cross between a XENOMORPH and GOLLUM.  

The writing however, held this back a bit.

Good effort though.

Lee
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