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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Gazpacho Day - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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  Author    Gazpacho Day - OWC  (currently 3481 views)
pwhitcroft
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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The mystery of this was solid and I really liked the original aspect of the way she was possessed near the end.

However, I also felt that the read was quite heavy going in places and I’d have liked to see her unusual form of possession pay-off a bit more specifically rather than just being a clever device.


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stevemiles
Posted: July 18th, 2013, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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In a word, creepy.  While the story didn’t quite add up as a whole I did get a kick out of its parts.  The opening build-up with the landmine/countdown was suitably tense.  The phone scene with Daddy was oddly engaging; though I think it could have incorporated Gayla’s appearance and collapse without the scene change.

p.7 -- slightly puzzled by Daddy’s line: ‘Stay off those bluff trails...’ etc.  I got the impression he’s part of the military stationed here or something along those lines?

What was Daddy planning on doing once he found the ‘people’ that hurt her?  Seems like he’s just putting Gayla in more danger; not to mention the distress of taking her up there again -- though perhaps I’m missing the spirit of things...

Felt the ending lost a degree of impact given that we’d seen Gayla visit the cave and already have a basic understanding of what’s lurking inside.  It’s one thing to have Daddy step on the mine; but unless the threat to Gayla is somehow greater than before (if not more defined) it repeats the opening scene and Daddy wasn’t there to protect her then either.  

Writing wise it felt rushed in places -- which given the time constraints was no doubt a factor.  Some of the descriptions were hit and miss -- ‘...feminine enough to ask the question...’ made me chuckle, even if it didn’t have any bearing on the plot.

Wouldn’t mind seeing this one cleaned up and worked over.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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rc1107
Posted: July 18th, 2013, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Another one I selected to read first because of the title.  It piqued my attention.

The effort was there.  An interesting idea.  Suspense was there.  Even an intriguing story was there.  But ultimately, I ended up a little lost as to what exactly was going on, and don't really understand what ended up happening.  But I am looking forward to hearing from the author as to what his thoughts were and an explanation of the story.

Adak, Alaska.  Well, it IS in the Pacific, right.  And as for Northwest, it's got to be the most EXTREME EXTREME northwest U.S., right?

The writing was too novelistic, even by my standards, and I don't mind over-flowery descriptions.  But some of the prose went overboard even for my tastes.

Overall, an admirable try, but fails at the end.  I still want to know what happens, though.

- Mark


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DanBall
Posted: July 20th, 2013, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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At first, I thought this was a pisser because of the first 8 lines of description until I read the first couple of comments, which took it seriously. So I trudged on. I'm pretty glad I did.

Like the others, I agree that you overwrote this thing like CRAZY. Script descriptions aren't the same as prose. I've always imagined the language of script descriptions to sound as if this witty, hot-shot writer is pitching the thing to producers/execs. It's quick, snappy, and keeps a quick rhythm going, even when it's slow.

Some of your transition scenes weren't really necessary. Using a metaphor or two in an entire script isn't too bad, but every single line weighs a script down. Adjectives do just fine, most of the time. Fortunately, you kept things focused and there was still hope for getting through it and reaching the end.

I REALLY liked what happened, but the logic of the events is lacking if not non-existent. Typically, stepping on a land-mine means the end of a character. Since Gayla is alive in the next scene, obviously it was a dud or it did more than obliterate her. Also, the mine's proximity to the beings seems to infer that it belongs to them or they're using it for something. This is never explained. Is that how Gayla began to receive the radio signals? Why did these beings want her to do that? So her dad could hear the dying words of his mother? If that's the case, then why did they snatch her after she fulfilled her purpose? What was the purpose of the random numbers on the radio?

Gazpacho Day seemed like a forced way of making the title seem relevant.

I'm with the others...it was really cool when she started repeating the old German transmissions while they were on an old military base, but it seemed to lead up to something more significant than it did. Something that might've actually could've changed humanity.

Work out the logic and rewrite this thing. It'll be pretty good in a draft or two.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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alffy
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 6:58am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...not sure with this one?

I think there's a decent story somewhere but I can't find it.  

This was overwritten to the point where I became a bit lost.  There are some nice visuals and some good scenes, like the bedroom scene which suggests something awful happened to Gayla but then it's not really explained.

The German dialogue was a cool effect and very spooky but I wanted to know what she was actually saying...she could have been talking about sweeties and rainbows for all I know lol.

Overall, I kind of enjoyed this but was left ultimately disappointed.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Eoin
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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I found this a clunky and frustrating read from the get go. The action descriptions were passive and the sheer weight of them, didn't lend to showing us where we were or establishing a proper setting on page one, which was a pitty, as a good edit would have made this far more streamlined.

This looks like an effort from someone who is well read but is new to screenwriting.

Things like' unsecured barbed-wire fence' just made no sense as I was reading them.

RADIO FREQUENCY ? Odd choice of words - just say a voice over a PA system or loudspeaker - radio frequencies don't just start speaking out of thin air. you also need a VO when a character is present but speaks or any dialouge has to be mechanically reproduced.

How can you show a landmine in weeded snow?! You could use a SOUND and show or reaction, or something similar . . .

By page 3 I'm afraid to say I was lost

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irish eyes
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I was reading a novel in the first few pages... although nicely wrote, it just felt like you were trying too hard with your actions/descriptions.

The dialogue was pretty good and story was nicely set up...

You just need to tone it down with the rewrite and you'll have a nice short.

Congrats on entering

Mark


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Abe from LA
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Like others have said, this is way too wordy and I think the wordiness doesn't help the story.
Better to cut to the chase.

The story doesn't quite click.  It has that TZ/Outer Limits/One Step Beyond feel, but the irony or twist fell flat.
What I liked:  the kid reciting or repeating words from the past.  Would work better to integrate these vague messages between moments of Gayla's clarity.
Build the story on the messages becoming more frequent and urgent.
The daughter is a receptor and it’s leading the dad toward…?

I liked the German accent, but incorporate some English into the dialogue.
Just enough so we can pick up what is being said. Keep the tension going.
The land mine has to work better at the end.  The end destruction has to better tie in with the radio messages.  I was thinking that Gayla was repeating a message by German officers(?) about some mysterious discovery or creation. Something that might have turned the tide of WWII, had it reached its destination.
The alien thing added a little bit of intrigue, but for me raises more questions. As another writer pointed out, why did the Black Creatures snatch the girl at the end.  Just so dad can release his foot from the mine and blow this story to He**?  I don’t think so.

Maybe Gayla is a ghost.  Maybe her spirit came back to warn the dad of something.  The father is repeating the actions of his daughter at the entrance of the cave, right down to the land mine.  So… ?
Or maybe she led him to his doom.   Dad sure isn't a good father, letting his little girl roam around. A cautionary tale maybe??  Fix the confusion and it might fire.

I followed as close as I could in the brief read and did enjoy this girl being possessed. But somewhere along the read I fell off the bluff trails, and couldn’t get back up.  
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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To all, thanks for reading and taking the time to chop!

I wanted to say a few words   about the writing.  My intention was genuine and I didn't want anyone to feel like I'm tricking you into thinking I'm more of a writer.  As Jeff pointed out, it's not good and I completely agree.  The problem I am currently in is I don't know how to properly command a sentence; furthermore, I mix visual subjects, interrupting the flow of the plot.  My apologies for that.

@ Heritic - you pretty much nailed the story on the kitchen sink! Lol! Kudos, I'm surprised you picked up on it through the hot mess.

The theme of this was inspired motive.  Could a mother's last words inspire a man to be something he isn't?  Could a boy be inspired to go to war, even though he may or may not know what's at stake?  Could the crucifixion of Jesus Christ inspire aliens to visit for forgiveness? (Russian).  Could a captain be inspired to go to war from a bowl if spicy goodness?  Could a father be inspired to sacrifice his life through a message from the grave?

The German message was a speech by Hitler, in case anyone was wondering.

I kind of thrown a lot of ideas into this and it should have had a better presentation, but I'll work hard to give it another shot.  Thanks everyone for the awesome feedback!

Johnny


Revision History (1 edits)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  October 22nd, 2013, 10:44pm
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DanBall
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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So there was a real abandoned army base in Adak?


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanBall
So there was a real abandoned army base in Adak?


Yes, the entire island was once a operational US military base that included: barracks, chow hall, a restricted military zone with expended ordinance on the ground, abandoned homes with portions ripped out, and even an empty McDonald's.  Sucks too because I could have really gone for a Quarter Pounder when I got there.  The US gov decided to shut it down and get the hell out.  

It was hands down one of the most inspirational, yet creepy locations I have been to.


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marnieml
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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I mentioned in my review that you write beautifully.  Writing that is lost on screenplays and ends up bogging them down.  I hope you write stories also.  If you don't you should.  That's where it will shine.

I live by an old, shut down Army base where there's a satellite.  I drove passed it the other day and thought of your story.  





  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Johnny, just wanted to throw out that you are a good writer and I know you're going to be a much better writer very soon.  You have the perfect attitude, the will to get better, and the ability to see and accept your weaknesses.

This is a very ambitious effort and that has alot to do with it being hard to understand.

Never give in and never, ever give up.  You'll get there, bro!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from marnieml
I mentioned in my review that you write beautifully.  Writing that is lost on screenplays and ends up bogging them down.  I hope you write stories also.  If you don't you should.  That's where it will shine.

I live by an old, shut down Army base where there's a satellite.  I drove passed it the other day and thought of your story.  


Far out!  I'm thrilled that you thought of my work when you seen it, kinda reflects the theme in ways.  Thank you for the kind words about the writing.  I've pondered writing in other forums, but ever since I was a kid, I'd imagine everything I see like a movie.  Weird, eh?


Quoted from Dreamscale


Hey Johnny, just wanted to throw out that you are a good writer and I know you're going to be a much better writer very soon.  You have the perfect attitude, the will to get better, and the ability to see and accept your weaknesses.

This is a very ambitious effort and that has alot to do with it being hard to understand.

Never give in and never, ever give up.  You'll get there, bro!


Hey man, you really went out of your way to show me (and not tell me) what was up.  I think I owe you a six pack now, lol!  The way I see this, it feels more like an algebra equation than writing, but over time I think I can break it into a slick flow.

Johnny
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