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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Trickster in the Tide - OWC
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  Author    Trickster in the Tide - OWC  (currently 3229 views)
Don
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Trickster in the Tide by M - Short - A young girl holds the key to solving the disappearance of her friends, but can she unlock the secret in time?  Supernatural/thriller. 12 pages. - pdf, format


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Gary in Houston
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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This is the third script I've read in the challenge, and this one was the best of the three by far, but I feel it still didn't meet the challenge requirements.  While it was set in the Pacific Northwest, and I guess it earned it's R rating with some gore and a couple of "fucks", where is the miraculous discovery that can change mankind?  I must have missed it.  Was it a coyote in a cave?  That doesn't seem like something that would change mankind, at least in my opinion.

Overall, the story was good, the writing concise.  A couple of slip-ups, but nothing that derailed the story.   The mood was dark.  Tay seemed to fit perfectly in to her age--you didn't make her seem older than she really was.  I think you tipped your hand a little too quickly by introducing Knox right off the bat, as I figured he was the bad guy as soon as the girls went missing.

The dialogue seemed natural, except for Knox.  For some reason, he seemed a little over the top for my taste.

Oh, what was with the side story about mom?  It really didn't seem to play into the rest of the story.  I probably would have just made Earnest a single dad and dropped the mom angle, as it didn't seem to add anything.

Other than not having a "miraculous discovery", I thought this was a pretty good effort.

Grade: B+

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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I didn't really understand the story. I mean I liked Tay. I liked the mystery but it didn't really fit the challenge and I was confused over Knox and Oscar. Maybe I'll take another read tonight.
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NickSedario
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Formatting is excellent.  I really like your writng style.   As for the actual story I had to skim through it.  Hopefully get back to it later.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a solid script.  The writing is good overall, but I felt the progression was off at times.  Oscar needs some more development, but I still respect how it all unfolded in the end.

I'm going to agree and disagree with Hawkeye about Knox's dialogue.  I'm not a fan of some of the things he said, but I do like how he said it.  Does that make sense?  There was a grit and loss of control that I dug.

I'm into the full circle aspect of this, cool short.  I REALLY liked the scene where the Tay and the eyes stared at each other through the window.  Good stuff there.

Johnny
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irish eyes
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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The script itself was very well written although I don't know what parameters it fell under.

I suppose the odd F$%k makes it R rated and did the coyote play some part in altering mankind ???

Well done for entering

Mark


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Heretic
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Is Knox Native American?

Thoughts:

Not sure if I like the super-dark take on the great Trickster. He wasn't very tricky, was he? I only say this because I love good ol' Coyote...him who when he dances we better be ready for a mess But I suppose he fits with the general tone, here.

Okay well I thought this was absolutely great. Very tight, just mean enough, and Tay was excellent. Plus, you can't beat a good nasty ending like this one.

Those who don't see a miraculous discovery here must just be very well-used to magic, I suppose!

Will agree that there wasn't much question that Knox was gonna end up the bad guy, but I'm not sure I have a suggestion for this. Maybe there's more direct evidence with Oscar?
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Last Fountain
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Good characters make this stand out. Different scenery helps as well. Gruesome and some savage content.

I really liked Oscar. Colourful somehow, maybe the fact he is so matter of fact about being alive after attempt(s) on his life. He made me laugh. And I was rooting for him to make it out alive. I really liked the girl too. Innocent and realistic. I really enjoyed the quiet scenes of her on the beach. Tracing in the sand with a stick, and all the driftwood. I think these scenic elements helped this short stand out. All this without action or dialogue.  Then again I'm one of those that loved TREE OF LIFE.

I am confused on the totem concept though.  I'm thinking she was one with the bird, was someone else one with the coyote? Was it her? I don't know,  but I'm gonna say that's a good thing. Maybe the intent.

  It would have been nice to see the beast more. Maybe exaggerated appearence. I was waiting to see a totem with animals on it. Then the coyote would crack the wood, coming alive, erupting forth. Might as well go for it at that point. Make the beast more savage than the men. I didn't know where Knox stood. Was he lying and a pyschotic killer. He seemed to be hiding something from the girl.

Some grisly moments for sure. Good characters.  Some nice scenic moments. But uneven as a whole. Maybe it's the ending.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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nawazm11
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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I'm 90% your 'space' under and over sentences is too high, you've probably added another 2 pages because of this. Might be a fault in the software. If it's final draft, check if you've set your line spacing to 'loose'.

Confusing, hard to take in. I had to reread several scenes before I understood what's happening. This was fine I suppose, somewhat original and the twist was fine. I didn't understand anything about Oscar, who he was, what he was doing in the script and why he was there. Consider making his story a little easier on the reader, in fact, make the whole script a little more accessible. This wasn't too bad, I enjoyed it.

Grade: C+
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LC
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Very nice imagery, and for the most part the writing is easy on the eyes.  

I just think the story is a little disjointed and confusing. Then again, so is Lynch and this one's got enough atmosphere to pull it along.

Good job.


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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As I go (taken from Chris - Heretic's reviews) - I like the writing early on, but I don't like your Slug use.  It's easy on the eyes and that's always a plus.

Page 1 doesn't give us much, but again, it's easy to read, although a bit redundant in some details.

Page 2 - Again, the writing is good and nicely visual, but I don't like the Slug use, as you're attempting a hybrid of sorts, when at times a full Slug is needed and at others, a Mini would be fine.

"A B/S TV" - very awkward and cause for me to have to pause and figure out exactly what this is.

Sorry, but back to the Slugs - think about it - if time passes, you should be using a time element of "MOMENTS LATER" or "LATER".  Don't try to use Mini's unless you really should.  The few extra words will never negatively affect your script, but a few less words sometimes will.

Page 3 - Who is Tommy"  Either you haven't intro'd him properly, or maybe this is Knox?  Either way, something to clean up.

Page 4 - "Tay, bashful. Eliza smiles, doesn’t mind." - awkward.  Not sure exactly what this is supposed to mean.

I really like Tay's dialogue about "dog food", but I don't think the wrylie, "re: howling" works as intended.  I understand what you're going for, but I think you need an actual howl right there, then her line of dialogue.

Page 5 - "OSCAR, native American, his face as gnarled and ancient as the driftwood around it. He lies amongst the tidewrack,  eyes closed, mouth open. Looks dead." - Although I definitely like how you describe characters and things, this is a good example of a simple mistake alot of writers make.  You can and should combine the first 2 sentences, as the first isn't a complete sentence as written.  Even the short 3rd sentence can be combines with a dash.

The following 1 liner seems out of place here.

Page 6 - "your" - "you're"

"EXT. STREET" - I don't think this Slug makes much sense.

Page 7 - "EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD" - This Slug doesn't make much sense either.

Page 10 (and much of all pages) - Again, I like your writing, but you purposely omit words here and there and it only makes it look sloppy and adds confusion.  Omitting words does not help the read - ever!

Page 11 and 12 - Very confused what's going on here with Knox and Oscar.  Your writing is not clear here at all.

Well...I'm not sure at all what happened here, what the story was, what it was supposed to mean, where the miraculous discovery was or even the R rating.

It's an interesting attempt, but overall, it's a fail for me, based on the above.

Good effort, however.





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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Read this earlier but didn't have the time to post and now I'm going by memory. Sorry not the best way to give feedback.

I liked the tone of this. I could really feel some isolated village, a megalomaniac cop, a village conspiracy and vulnerable children, all mixed with Indian culture and mystery.

What I couldn't quite fathom was all the story, and what was happening and to who. The body, oh actually alive man, on the beach, then saying that's where the cop left him etc, but nothing then happened, seemed a tad off.

From memory the questioning giver the girl over her missing friends came from nowhere. It's the kind of thing OWC suffer from as you try and join the dots...very quickly.

But for the feeling and variation, its one of my favourites, but like mine and everybody else's needs a few tweaks.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DV44
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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The visuals were nice. Writing was very good. The characters for the most part were excellent. The story, well, at times a bit confusing. Had to reread a few parts but we have to understand this was done in a week. I thought the dialogue was good and I loved Tay as the protag. Add in a dead body and a few f bombs and there's your R rating. The coast was a nice touch for the story as so many choose to use the woods as the main location. The "discovery." Was it magic as Heretic suggested above? That's where I'm a little confused.

Overall, I liked it. Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk
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pwhitcroft
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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This had a nice sense of location and some cool investigative stuff in it. I liked the hints of mystical stuff and I thought the pay-off of who did it worked well.

Having said that, I also found it a bit of an awkward read. I think it was because you let the story flow without giving us much material to orient us with what was going on. The result was that it wasn’t easy to follow and at times I was losing track of which elements I needed to focus on.


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mmmarnie
Posted: July 18th, 2013, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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I thought the writing itself was very good and easy to read.  

The story started off slow, took a while for me to get into it.  I did like the characters though, unique and intriguing.  

Okay, have to admit I was pretty confused in a few areas.  I think the pace needs work and you need some clarification.  

I only have a few left to read and yours had the best feel for location.  


boop
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EWall433
Posted: July 19th, 2013, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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I definitely had a good feel for all the different locations you used. Of all the entries this one felt most like the Pacific Northwest to me. I’m not sure what the discovery was though.

The story was pretty good, but it seemed like it may have suffered from the page restrictions. Oscar is introduced a little too abruptly. It wasn’t clear to me why Oscar was on Knox’s s*** list. I was also unsure about the relationship between Oscar, the coyote and the totem.

This has a lot of interesting threads, but I think they could’ve all used a little more elaboration.  This is another one that I’d look forward to reading a less restricted rewrite.

Congrats on completing a challenge!
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ReneC
Posted: July 19th, 2013, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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The pace is super-slow and that works beautifully with the theme and tone here. It builds slowly towards the climax, where it suddenly quickens into a rush. The effect is powerful, great job.

Great writing, rich in detail but efficient as hell. A little awkward around some sentences but that's to be expected for a week's work. The dialogue characterizes the speakers and has a definite flavour which adds to the setting. Again, great job.

I'm a little fuzzy on the story. It's a bit too subtle. The sick mother is a distraction, we don't know why Knox is dead-set on killing Oscar, and it's unclear who Oscar is, at least to me. I enjoyed this tremendously but am left frustrated that I can't see how the pieces fit together.

I also love the scene where Tay and the coyote stare at each other through the window. Powerful moment, with a side of awesome sauce.

Excellent job, one of my favourites.


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Nomad
Posted: July 19th, 2013, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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I must be taking crazy pills because I'm not sure what happened in this one.  I don't see how some people like this but at the same time are confused by it.  

Blue Steel.  Le Tigra.  Ferrari.  Magnum.  They're all the same.

The wrylies aren't needed and they only add to the confusion.

This is too slow.  I'm half way through it and all that's happened is some missing girls, a sick mom (which is never explained), and Dances With Coyotes wandering around.

I feel like this is an episode of Lost.  That's not a good thing.  There are too many questions and not enough answers.

"A canine HOWL goes up from the surrounds."  I know what that means but couldn't that have been written, "A coyote HOWLS in the distance."?  

Maybe it's a cultural thing that's making this an awkward read for me.  At one point you refer to a flashlight as a torch which usually indicates an, East of the Pond writer.

I would have liked more of an explanation on the carvings.  Was Oscar the carving?  Was the carving coming to life?  I'm not sure.  Someone will have to explain this to me.

The only saving grace was the location.  I liked the beach, woods, cave, driftwood descriptions.  I felt cold and wet after reading this.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
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DanBall
Posted: July 20th, 2013, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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The atmossphere here is great. This feels like a real Native American horror short. Minimalistic, simple. However, I did find it hard to follow. The mother really doesn't affect the story at all and Oscar, who might be the titular Trickster/coyote(?), seems only to be there to bring about an end to the sheriff, which I'm not sure he actually did.

Otherwise, the writing was really clear and comprehensible, I just think you minimized too much in your minimalistic approach.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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stevemiles
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and make notes on this.  I realise this needs a lot more clarity in order to work.  I ended up writing myself into a corner with too little time and too few pages to adequately join all the dots.  I appreciate you guys for taking the time to stick with it.  Definitely a learning curve my end -- albeit a fun one.

I really just wanted to write a good vs. evil story incorporating Native American myth.  The idea is that Tay’s an ‘animal whisperer’ -- kind of a conduit between the human and animal-spirit world.  This was meant to be the ‘discovery’ as she learns that the animals (coyote and crow) are trying to ‘tell’ her something -- that something is that Knox is a bad man.

Knox’s plan was to kidnap and murder the girls, then blame it on the stranger, Oscar, whom he thought he’d drowned that same night.  The coyote howling when Knox ‘kills’ him again in the trailer were meant to allude to the howling Tay heard the night before when Knox is presumably killing Oscar on the beach.  Though this angle needs work and is where a lot of this fails.

Oscar is the spirit of the Trickster.  His role or ‘trick’ was to use himself as bait to draw Knox out and subsequently draw Tay into her understanding of who and what she is -- leading Knox to his eventual death.

Tay realises it’s Knox when he tells her that Oscar killed the girls -- as she’s just seen them alive in the trailer.

...At least that was the general idea.  

To clear up a couple of other things mentioned:

The totems and carvings weren’t meant to be magic but there to lend a sense of local flavour and symbolism -- mostly with the coyote figure Tay takes from her mum and the gradual face emerging from Earnest’s carving and the eyes he paints on at the end.

As to the mom, I needed a confidant character for Tay to talk to about the animals. She had to play a limited part in her everyday life so as Tay could be a little more wayward.  I figured I’d make her bed-bound -- which ultimately led to another angle that couldn’t be fully explored.

I will say I enjoyed this challenge a lot.  First time I’ve tried to put something together in such a short time and I got a kick out of the parameters (even if I lost sight of them in the end) big thanks to Jeff and Don for putting this together.  It’s been interesting to see all the different takes on the challenge.

My favourites -- in no order:

Bee Boy
Special
Gazpacho Day -- just for being so darn creepy.
Unhooked

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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dogglebe
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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I liked the imagery in the story and how you showed everyday life of Native Americans.  Everything flowed naturally, even when things weren't so natural.

I understand there were page restrictions for the OWC, but this did run on a little to long for me.  You could trim a few pages off the script without hurting the story.

Nice work.


Phil
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